I had never been so terrified. Not even on the day I was bitten. I suppose I did promise you this story didn't I? I, Remus Lupin, am a man of his word. So here goes:
"I was five." I paused. looked up at them. James had removed his glasses and was staring down at them in his hands, as he always did when he was unhappy. Sirius was pulling at a strand of his own hair. And Peter's eyes were darting about, though it seemed he could find nothing more interesting in the dorm than a 13-year-old Lycanthrope spilling his guts onto the freshly cleaned floor. I decided to get it all out before I had the chance to rethink it. I stared down at my shoes."His name was Fenrir Greyback. My father - My father had upset him. I was never told how. I don't want to know, really." I choked out a horrible excuse for a laugh.
"I don't think I was supposed to survive. He meant to devour me...Tear me to pieces."
I swallowed with great difficulty.
"But my father came home with the full might of the ministry on his side. Greyback fled. But the damage was done." I looked around at my friends. James had still not donned his glasses but he was lookinhg at me now. At the time, I mistook it for pity. Sirius stared at his hands and looked very deep in thought. Peter's eyes looked to be peering just over my shoulder.
"Is it...Is it horrible of me to wish he'd just killed me?" From the startled looks on my companion's faces I tried to remedy the situation quickly "I mean - then I couldn't pass it on. I don't want to hurt anyone." My voice broke. Before my head could even hit my hands I could feel James and Sirius on either side of me. Rubbing my back, touching my shoulder. I couldn't stop then, I had already opened up too far to go back.
"I have nightmares. Sometimes I wake up a-and...I think I must've bitten one of you. The dreams seem so real."
"Rem..." Sirius mumbled continuing to rub my back while I choked on air. He stood up, determined, defiant, completely Sirius.
Genius though I may be, I am naught but a man, and no man can resist a Sirius/Serious joke.
"I know what we'll do." He smiled at James who was watching him in curiosity. "We're going to find a way to fix it. Y'know, make it easier for you."
I smiled at Sirius' naivety. Clearly he had never learned much about the nature of my condition. "Sirius, there is no cure." He smiled ear to ear in my direction and gave my back one last pat.
"We'll find a way." he grinned. "TO THE LIBRARY!"
I smiled again. Getting up to accompany them, Sirius's hand met my chest and pushed me back down. "Nope. No Remus Lupins allowed. You're banned from the library until your amazing friends come up with a way to help you."
"But - But..."
And so I was banned from one of my favorite places. Not that it made a difference. It seemed they had acquired all the books necessary for whatever scheme they were plotting within that fateful day, for I began returning to the library, finding no sign of them. Although James and Sirius had begun leaving for quidditch practice on days when I would spend their absence surrounded by the entire rest of the team. Peter seemed to disappear at these times too.
"Sirius, please tell me, what are you up to?" I put a hand on his over the table seperating us.
"Ugh. Why did we even take divination?" He whined for the 15th time that day, completely avoiding the question.
"Stop dodging my questions!" I yelled "You know very well you took it because you chose your classes at random!" The class- not to mention the professor- all had their eyes fixed on me. The professor appeared mildly affronted but shrugged us off and continued in her eerie babbling.
"Blimey, Rem, we're going to have to revoke your 'Child genius' status if you keep asking stupid questions." He flashed a smile "It has to be a surprise, obviously."
Rather uncharacteristically, I groaned and lay my head down on the desk. "I can scarcely imagine the atrocities you could be getting up to."
I tried to get answers out of James too. Though Peter would probably be the easiest to crack, I wanted to get my answer straight from the mouth of one of the evil geniuses.
"James, where do the lot of you disapear to?" I asked off-handedly, staring down at the book in my hands as if I was actually reading it, as if the question was of no real importance to me.
"Can't tell you that." He said confidently never pausing in the careful twig-trimming of his beloved broom.
"I'm just worried that you might be-"
"Don't be thick, Remus." James set his broom on the couch next to him gently. When he looked up his hazel eyes were uncharacteristically soft. They looked like deer eyes. "The full moon is in two days."
My breathing hitched and turned uneven. It was still strange and uncomfortable for them to know. I nodded none the less.
"Are you scared?"
"Terrified." My voice broke, and I was certain that James would attribute it to puberty. I hoped he wouldn't know that I could barely speak from the terror. He shook his head.
"We'll be there in the morning." He said with certainty. "You said the passage is under the whomping willow?"
I nodded again.
Two days later, when the wolf tore itself out of my flesh with a blood-curdling howl, it was with a strange awareness that I wasn't completely alone anymore. That only served to make the wolf fiercer, hungrier. And with the lack of victims in the shack, I took to tearing myself apart.
I blacked out most of the night, and woke up the following morning with almost no memory of what my monster had gotten up to. My eyes fluttered open, only to be met immediately by warm grey ones, hovering above, surrounded by long disshevelled black hair, and the smell of sleep. Sirius.
"Remus, are you alright?" My throat felt raw and I couldn't bring myself to talk. I nodded, letting my eyes flutter shut again. I took inventory of my surroundings. It felt like someone had wrapped their cloak around me. I could sense the presence of three other people in the room.
An old gash on my chest had been reopened.
"We have to get him up to the castle." I heard James say. "I stopped the bleeding, but that gash doesn't look good."
I had to talk. This was going to hurt. "Madame Pomfrey will be down for me shortly." I barely mumbled.
"Shh." I felt Sirius pushing the hair out of my eyes. "We told her we knew, and that you're our best mate anyway. We begged her to let us come get you."
I couldn't respond. I was too bust trying to get the stinging out of my eyes.
James conjured up a stretcher and Sirius guided it towards the castle, with Peter trailing uselessly behind us. I was somewhere between consciousness and total blackout while Madame Pomfrey tended my self-inflicted wounds. It took a long time to notice that Sirius was holding my hand. I don't think he let go once the whole time. His jaw was set, and his eyes watched the healer with an expression that said -with far too many obscenities- that if she didn't take care of me preperly she would pay dearly.
"Does it hurt anywhere?" He finally asked, once Madame Pomfrey had bustled away to her office.
"Everywhere." I smiled faintly. His brow crinkled further than it already had.
"Why would you smile about it?"
"Because I'm used to it. Twelve full moons a year since I was five. Do the math." I chuckled with some difficulty. I wasn't expecting him to really do the math. But there he was counting on his fingers.
"96? You've transformed 96 times?"
"Approximately." I mumbled. "Sirius cheer up." I closed my eyes again, but I could feel him staring at me like I was absolutely bonkers. I figured it would probably be best to keep talking before he exploded.
"Sirius you looking at me like an injured animal and showing me pity isn't curing lycanthropy and it isn't healing my wounds. It's doing nothing but make us both miserable, so either say something amusing and witty, or show yourself out." I wasn't expecting to say all that. It just sort of happened. It was true though. I was injured just as I had been for approximately 96 other full moons, and I would get over it, just like always. His pity was not helping.
"Er...James is a wanker?"
"Hm, you're not as funny under pressure." I laughed anyway. Weakly, mind you.
Journal pages:
12 March, 1973.
It's my birthday today. And I'm lucky enough to spend the night olf my birth staring up a completely moonless sky. That's right. NEW MOON! Sirius got me chocolate. A lot of chocolate. I think he may have just thrown a bag of gold on the counter and shoved as much candy as possible in his pockets. He's going to make me fat. James bought me a deluxe autographed special edition of Quidditch through the ages. It looks as though Peter walked into a muggle bookstore and grabbed the first thing he saw. Ironically enough, it might just be my favorite. It's a book of poetry. And I love it! I keep getting the poems stuck in my head and it's like background noise inside my brain. Oh! I almost forgot. We -James, Sirius, Peter, and I- came up with a name for ourselves. We'lll be called 'The marauders' according to James until "We are all so old our limbs start falling off." Which I think may just be impossible, as leprosy isn't a common illness anymore. By the by, I think I may be...y'know...gay. Or bisexual or something. I'm not sure. But blokes look nice. See? It must be true if I can't even write a proper sentence with them on the mind. Kingsley Shacklebolt is rather...well...rather nice looking. Oh Merlin I already sound like a girl! I need saving from my own faggotry!
14 March, 1973.
Not going to tell them. Wouldn't understand. Already a monster. Why make it worse?
Didn't see that coming, did you? Well yes, I, Remus John Lupin, am indeed a gay man. And for two long years after that realization, I kept it a secret. Shall we move on to my 5th year? You see, I hate to overuse a phrase, but things were always changing, and this is yet another one of those stories that, well...changed everything.
XXX
TBC
How is it so far? Any suggestions? The format of this story is really strange so I'm sort of learning as I'm going here. I'm not sure if I got Remus's birthday right. I was too lazy to look it up, and from what I could remember it was March 12th. Reviews por favor. I don't want to lose my inspiration. SO HELP ME.