I didn't see it coming. I don't think any of us did. One moment he was happy and cheerful like always, the next he was sad and depressed. I'm not sure as to why. Was it something someone said or did? Something personal that had happened? It couldn't be that, he would've told me. An awful thought struck me. Was it's something I did? Something that had happened recently, or even a long time ago?
I had wanted to dive in after him. Try my hardest to save him. But something held me back. Something that I knew I had to protect. But that was him. That was my son. I couldn't just let him die. But I had a son up here too. I was torn. I just wanted to save them both. But I couldn't. I had to chose. Sinking down onto my knees, I sobbed for my son. He may have not really had been my son, but he might as well have been.
He walked up behind me, and wrapped his arms around my sobbing figure. Whispering soothing words into my ear, it wasn't hard to tell he was crying too. I shortly turned to embrace him, fearing that I might blink and he would be gone. That was how it had happened with him. I was ashamed that I couldn't save him. I was ashamed that I wasn't there when he needed me. I was ashamed because I let this happen.
I wanted to die myself. I wanted to plunge off that cliff too. But I couldn't leave like that. I had to protect who I had left. And if all I had left was just one person, I would do anything for them. We headed back towards the small trail. We found his horse and we had her following us. She fought though. Even though she knew who we were, she fought as heard as she possibly could. She knew something wasn't right. She didn't like leaving Gilan behind anymore than I did.
After quite some time, he headed back to Seacliff, as I went back towards Redmont. I didn't want him to go. I had already lost one son. I'd rather not have to loose another.
By the time I was back at my cabin, the stress of this all was starting to get to me. The whole time I wondered what had made him so upset that he would kill himself. It had to be something I had done. I just couldn't figure out what. Sooner than I expected, I was back home. I unsaddled the horses, and unloaded the saddle bags. I was tired, so tired. I was surprised I could still stand. It hadn't been a long ride, but the added stress made even the littlest things seem exhausting. I pulled out a sheet of paper from his saddlebag. It was folder in fourths and had two words on the outside. To Halt.
Tucking that into one of the inner folds of my cloaks, I went inside the cabin, and put some coffee on. As it boiled, I read the note he had left. Unfortantly, it was exactly what I thought it would be and what I dreaded. It was a suicide note. I wanted to yell, scream, kick, and sob, but once more something held me back. Something that told me to hold it in. That everything would turn out okay.
Tears pricked my eyes, and I had to stop my self from crying. I needed to be able to read this. Then we could cry. Unfolding it, I started to read.
Dear Halt,
I'm sorry to do this to you, but you probably won't even care. You're probably glad I'm gone. Glad that you don't have to deal with another person. You have Will and he's all you need. I'm just another Ranger. I'll never live up to your standards. I'll never be able to be you or Will. I'll never do the things you did. I'm just not talented like that.
I want you to know that I will miss you. I don't ever want to come back though. I don't have a rightful place in Araluen. I'm might as well just be another nobody. I'm sorry, but it's true. I'm sorry that I wasted your time. I'm sorry I couldn't be the apprentice you wanted. I'm sorry that you had to deal with me. I'm sorry that you didn't love me.
I liked Will. He was like a brother. But I knew the whole time, from the moment I saw him that I wouldn't be needed anymore. That last mission though confirmed it. He's more important than me. He's always been. I understand though. I'm just a battlemaster's son. What rank do I have on someone like him.
I don't hate you Halt. I still think of you as a mentor to me. Maybe even more than that. I loved you like a son loves his father, because you once were one to me. I will never hate you. I will never hate Will. I just wish you hadn't pushed me aside like I was nothing more than a speck of dirt. I don't hold a grudge against you, just against your actions. In fact, I still love you. I just have two things to say. I love you Halt. But did you ever love me?
Your former apprentice,
Gilan
After I finished reading it, I collapsed. This was my fault. Gilan was gone because of an idiot mistake that I made. I had never meant to push him away. I never meant to make him feel unloved. But he did and it was my fault. I squeezed my eyes shut as tight as possible and whispered the best apology I could muster.
"I'm so sorry Gilan."