As we walk trough the destroyed city, I can't help but wonder what it'd be like to be a human.

Not in an post-apocalyptic world, though.

No, in my dreams I run trough forests, I stand in small rivers and feel the cold water between my toes. I enjoy lunch with friends, I kiss people with passion.

I miss being alive, even though I have no memories of my past.

Pain, joy, fear, love. It's all a blur. Maybe my life wasn´t that great? How should I know. Anything would be better than being a Walker, let me tell you.

Everyone thinks, we´re monsters. But... We just want to be able to feel again.

You know, that´s why we always go for the brains of the people we kill. If we eat them, we can see fractions of their past lives, little pieces, mostly just few pictures.

These memories light up my rotten brain, makes my eyes see things, makes me feel emotions, I´ll never feel myself again. Usually it´s people celebrating, fighting.

And making love.

That's why I prefer the brains of male humans.

M knows my - I'm not sure what to call it. My interests? My orientation? I don't even know, what I liked in my past live. M does sometimes make fun of me, but he's okay with it. I was actually really afraid of telling him about it, but it turned out I didn't had to. He and I are not only best friends, but also hunting partners. So he kinda noticed, that I always choose males over females, when I kill. He knows, that I never would make a move to him though. We´re just friends. Besides, he´s way too old for me. Okay, we don´t remember how old we are, but he looks like he´s in his late 30s, while I look more like I´m in my early 20s.

When I look at the other Walkers, I do wonder sometimes, why most of them look more... dead than others, like M and me. Some of them run around with their organs hanging out of their bodies. Some of them don´t even have limbs. That´s usually when they start to become Boneys. I´ve seen some of them peeling their skin off. Revealing their old, dried bones with pieces of brown flesh still clinging onto what´s left. It´s really disgusting. Okay, I do eat brains and everything else from my victims too, so who am I to judge?

Don't get me wrong, I don't like hurting people. But this is the world now.

And if I have to kill in order to eat and survive, I also can make the best out of it. So I mostly pick young men, like me, even though their vivid memories are often about girls. But at least I can see the world, like it was and like it is now, from their perspective.

These are my thoughts, as me and my friends suddenly all come to stop in the middle of the street. I close my eyes and I can smell them - at least half a dozen humans, probably searching for medicals in a long abandoned hospital. I look at M, he nods, a crooked grin on his face, that makes him look even more threatening.

My body is driven forward by need, desperate hunger, that I suddenly can feel everywhere. It´s not only in my stomach. It´s everywhere. I have to eat. Now.

As I push the door open to the little labor, I hear screams and try to grab the boy in front of me with dirty blonde hair, his face strained with fear and panic - but he uses the bottom of his rifle to knock me out and I go to the ground. Then he jumps on one of the counters, screaming something. I hear my friends going after the other humans - some of us get shot in the head, and drop to the ground. There are always victims. As long as it´s not M, I don´t really care.

A bit disoriented, but not seriously hurt - sometimes it´s quite helpful, that I don´t feel pain at all - I prop up on one elbow and that´s when I see him.

Blue eyes, staring at what seems like nothing, kneeling on the floor. He´s not tall, way smaller than me. But despite his height he looks strong, he´s a fighter. He fires at the Walkers with despair, his face shows nothing of his emotions, only his mouth - his lips are his best features next to his eyes and his brown hair - shows his anger, his fear of losing his friends, maybe his family? But there are only five humans in the room, all young people, two girls and three boys. We outnumber them easily. The boy knows it as much as we all know it - he´s as dead as the rest of his group.

But something about him...
For years, I´ve felt nothing but loneliness and hunger and anger.

In this very moment, I feel something different. I am curious.

All of this happens in just a few seconds. I slowly get up, still staring at him. He shoots a female Walker in the head, then takes shelter behind a counter to reload his rifle.

I just want to know-

Bam.

I flinch as I feel a bullet entering my right shoulder.

The boy that knocked me out earlier. I stare at him, all of the sudden unbelievable angry at him. I felt something different, and he destroyed the moment.

I have to kill him for doing that.

He still points his gun at me, but he doesn´t shoot. That was his mistake. "Smile, mother-"

I grap his legs, slam him on the table and drag him to the ground. He screams, but I don´t care. As I grab his curly hair and slam his head on the hard ground, I forget about everything. I forget who I am, I forget that I will regret this later, as I always do.

I become the monster humans think I am. Soon his cries and screams go quiet, and he´s dead.

As I hear the crack of his skull, I grin. Greedily I shovel his brains out of his head and into my mouth.

I close my eyes as I chew and I become someone else.

I get lost in the memories, and it really feels like I´m Ron Anderson.

He didn´t have an easy life. Being abused by his crazy father, he got raised being afraid of everything. He always tried to protect his younger brother Sam, who luckily didn´t get hurt by his father at all. And the apocalypse made everything worse. It´s one thing being afraid of your own father - but being afraid of being eaten by Walkers, everyday for the rest of your life? There were times when Ron thought, it would be easier just to kill himself. But he couldn´t do that to his brother or mother.

When they came into the safe zone in Alexandria, he - I - remember:

My name is Ron Anderson and me and my family just managed to get into this safe zone called Alexandria. After weeks, I finally managed to sleep more than a few hours apiece. For years I didn´t feel so safe. And even though, I still feel my fathers burning gaze on me, as if he wants to warn me, that I will never be safe again - I feel safe. He still hits me, in the dark, at night, when nobody´s around. But I have the feeling, something will change. Finally, something will change.

I take another bite, I don´t want to return to being myself again... I wanna be...

I´m Ron Anderson and I´ve fallen in love for the first time. She has brown, long hair and big green eyes - like a deer, always staring at me with a stiff emotion. But I know she´s different. I´ve followed her, watched her. Her names Enid, and I think she likes me too.

Another bite. There are still screams and fighting noises in the background, but I don´t care. I want to know if...

I´m Ron Anderson and my dad just got executed by Rick. He and his group are not as long in Alexandria. Everything happened so fast...

He killed another man. He deserved his death.

But still, I can´t help but crying, all by myself. Enid doesn´t understand me. Nobody does... I don´t want to do this anymore...

"Ron?" As I look up, with puffy eyes and red cheeks - I hate it, how I look after crying - I see Carl. Rick´s son. He´s nice, but right now, I really don´t want any company. Plus, he seems really interested in Enid... And I have no idea how I am supposed to outplay Carl in any way, I mean, look at him...

"Leave me alone..", I mumble, as I look away from him and on the dirty ground. I love my new home, but sometimes it feels more like a cage than the safe heaven it is. I like hiding in abandoned houses, sometimes I even stay there overnight. It helps me stop thinking about stuff.

"What´s wrong?", he asks, not willing to leave, of course not. I say nothing, and minutes pass. When I think he finally gives up and goes away, he´s suddenly sitting next to me on the ground, closer than I expected.

I flinch a bit, still not used to people being so close to me, when they don´t want to hit me. Maybe Enid thinks I am weird because of this... I know I am weird. Nobody will ever love me, when I keep being like this.
But as much as I want to, it seems like I can´t change who I am.

I´ve never talked to anyone about what my father did.

So I couldn´t be more surprised when my mouth suddenly opens and I tell Carl everything.
We talk for the rest of the night.

I swallow, I know, it´s gonna be over any moment. But I press my eyelids together, I want to get lost again. The memories are nothing like I ever experienced any: So vivid, so real, so...

It was Enid´s idea to play this stupid game. Spin-The-Bottle, but with kissing. I protested several times - there weren´t enough kids in Alexandria anyway, only Enid, Lydia, Carl and me. Sam was too young to play this game, fortunately. I wouldn´t want to kiss my own brother.

But despite my protests, we´re sitting in a circle in one of the abandoned houses.

Lydia is first. She smiles when the bottle points at Enid, then kisses her shortly on the mouth. Enid turns red, Carl chuckles softly and I glance at him.

Since that day I told him about my father, we became... friends. Good friends. But there is something I can´t explain, something more and I´m afraid and I...

Enid spins the bottle and it points at Carl.
I freeze. My face goes white and I stare at the bottle, I stare at the ground, but I´m too afraid to look in Carl´s direction. I don´t want to see this, I don´t want to hear her laugh, don´t want to hear Lydia whispering at me what´s wrong. I don´t answer.

"All right." Carl says, I can hear that he is grinning. He leans in closer to Enid, I can see it from the corner of my eye and I want to scream.
My eyes burn, my stomach hurts. It feels like I´m dying and I don´t understand why.

I don´t want Enid to kiss Carl. But isn´t it supposed to be the other way? Why am I not angry at Carl?
It doesn´t make sense.

Finally it´s over.

Suddenly, everyone's quiet and I look up, see the bottle pointing at my direction.
I stare at Carl. His eyes are so blue, how can they be so ...

He smiles. Before I can say anything, his lips are on mine and it feels so right.

Carl... It´s him. The boy with the brown hair and blue eyes.
I feel something. I know I shouldn´t be able to feel it but I do.

I can´t name it but... I´m afraid that...

Without thinking, I shovel the remains of Ron´s brain in my hoodie pocket and get up.

"Ron?! Where are you?"

When I see he - Carl - is still alive - apparently with no ammunition left, but alive, a new emotion comes to me, as unexpected as the curiosity and the ... concern?

I´m relieved.

Lydia is lying on the floor, being eaten by three Walkers. Sam - I feel a strange sting in my chest - is also dead, his eyes still open as his body is being disjointed.
I can´t see Enid anywhere.

But my friends are still hungry, one Walker is trying to bite Carl´s arm, but he simply uses his gun to knock him out. With a second swing, he crushes the Walkers skull.

I slowly walk towards him, Ron´s blood trickles from my lips, when I whisper: "C-Caa... arl..."

He stares at me. His gun, useless from the distance, drops to the ground. I can´t follow his movements that fast, but all of the sudden he throws a knife towards me.

I try not to look too hurt when it hits my neck, even though I feel no pain. I pull it out of my flesh and drop it.

He doesn´t want to show his fear, but his lips are trembling. I dont´t want to frighten him, but I walk towards him until he backs up against the counter.

"C-Carl...", I stutter again, it feels so good to say his name. But I have to be careful - I hear a hiss and look behind me. M and the others finished their meals, but they can smell Carl -

He can´t be killed. I have to protect him, I don´t know where this feeling is coming from, but it´s there.

It´s the first time I can resist the urge to kill and eat the living.

Tears shimmer in his eyes as I smear my dark cloggy blood on his face. He flinches, his eyebrow twitch in confusion - he doesn´t understand what I´m doing.

I don´t understand what makes me do this, but I do it because I have to hide his scent from the other Walkers.

It works. M and the others sniff cautiously, but they forget easily, and they´re not curious about anything.

I get up, carefully pulling Carl up. He stares at me, but he doesn´t fight me. "S-safe... C-come...", I tell him, pulling him with me to follow the others.

From the corner of my eye I see a snow globe sitting on a shelf. Without thinking, I grap it and put it in my pocket.

We go home, back to the airport.

A bunch of Walkers and a living person.
Carl.