Even when damaged, half on fire, and up-to-your-eyeballs in security procedures, the Citadel is still beautiful. A kaleidoscope of blues and purples, moving pictures, plant-life (you miss that on the Normandy) and soothing, well-balanced lights.
Last time you were in this ward, you were blasting holes through Cerberus infiltrators. You straighten out your casual uniform and fiddle with the belt clip. You'd rather hide in your armour—cosy, covered-up, and protected—but you know it can't shield you from Kaidan. Whatever he has to say, you'll just have to take it. Be an adult. No, you'd rather not be an adult. At least the Alliance pays your bills.
He's visible from the top steps, sitting by himself at a table for three. His hands are clasped and most of his weight is leant forward. Kaidan rubs his hair, rearranging it in places, and then massages his face. At least he's nervous, too. You stand there as long as you dare, grinning. A date with Kaidan Alenko. God, what are you? Sixteen?
You rap the banister, then head down the steps and stride on over. You're so stiff you feel like the epitome of great posture.
"Hey Kaidan," you say. That came out smoother than expected. We're off to a good start. Butterflies tumble in your stomach when he twists around and beams at you. Out of everyone in the food court, approaching Kaidan is like greeting a celebrity. Wait, aren't you the celebrity? This makes a pleasant change. Everything about him captivates you and you haven't even sat down yet. Slow down there, Commander!
He remains focused on the data board in his hand and says, "Surprised this place can still get supplies for a menu like this." Kaidan always was good at launching into chit-chat.
Grinning, you slide into the chair beside him. "Maybe it's best if we don't ask how...or where."
Setting aside the menu, Kaidan leans on the tabletop and meets your gaze with steady, whiskey brown eyes. Giddiness rushes inside, right down from your boots to the curve of your neck. You can't help but shy away, he doesn't look nearly as nervous up close, so you take the menu and focus on that instead.
"I'm glad we're taking the time to do this," he says, smiling. Ah! That smile. "I could use a sanity check."
You and me both. Probably better you don't admit that out loud. "Things have been pretty crazy," you sigh instead.
And then, just like that, he shatters the pretence that you're here for small talk.
"You know, my life flashed before my eyes on Mars—and..." Kaidan glances aside and his smile saddens. A harsh tug fills your chest as you see flashes of Kaidan being hammered to death against a burning shuttle. You frown. Something like that can't ever happen again, the grief alone might destroy you. He meets your eye once more. "There weren't enough moments like this, with people I care about."
At this, you can't help but tense. Your heart soars, your stomach swoops, but hold on. Where is this going? Don't open your mouth and say something stupid, Shepard. Keep a neutral expression, c'mon, you can do it.
"How are you feeling these days?" you ask. What you really mean is: can we fix this? Do you want me? Please say you're lovesick. With me, of course.
He nods and flicks his wrist. "Feeling up to whatever the Reapers throw at me."
Huh, well, he sounds better than you right now. Christ.
A smile softens Kaidan's eyes as he adds, "And grateful that I convinced you to sit down for half a second and relax." Cheeky bastard. It's hard to deny though, you don't exactly stop to admire the view very much. Whatever you do see of the Citadel is usually in passing during a quick march, when you don't have the energy to jog to and fro any more.
"Yeah," you say, and finally look him straight in the eye. "I think it's a good time for us to have a heart-to-heart." You mimic his posture and lean forward, clasping your hands together just to make sure you're sturdy for whatever he throws at you. Keep it light. "What are you drinkin'?" you tease.
He chuckles. "If you're trying to butter me up, it might take a nice steak sandwich too."
"So..."
"Shot of whiskey and a good old Canadian lager," he laughs. "Think they have it?"
You pretend to look at the menu and raise an eyebrow. "More likely to have Batarian Shard Wine." Your mouth dries up just thinking about the cool, greenish beverage. No thanks. But shooting whiskey wouldn't go amiss, the staccato rhythm against your chest is starting to make you dizzy.
"At my parents place in Vancouver, we drank more than a few beers on their balcony, looking over English Bay." He gazes off over the balcony of the food quad with a gentleness in his eyes, almost like he's looking over English Bay right now and he can hear the hush of the waves, feel the sea breeze across his cheeks. You admire that fleeting, gentle look and try to memorise it for later.
"Yeah," he says, "beautiful view..."
Yes, it is.
He turns back to you, full of vigour. "You what, though? I feel good about our chances."
You what? What news station is he listening to, it might pay to tune in yourself. Still, hearing him say that reawakens a flame of hope, the one you pretend still burns bright inside. "Yeah?"
"Yeah. Lets me sleep better at night."
"You not sleeping, Kaidan?" Why the hell didn't he tell you that last night? You felt so stupid after admitting the same thing that you kicked yourself for hours after getting into bed.
"Maybe a little restless... At least, nothing to really freak out over. You have it worse, so, you know..."
Eech, yeah, great. You stare at him, unsettled that he's now more interested in the colour of the table, and you find that, actually, you don't want to speak. You've done enough talking and negotiating and appealing to last a life time. It's his turn. So you wait a moment longer, nerves twisting tighter in your stomach.
At last, he speaks. "The war isn't the only thing keeping me up at night..." You hold your breath. "I wonder about us."
GOOD. CRAP. DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG... SHIT, WHAT NOW? WHAT ELSE, ALENKO?
"Us?" you repeat, not batting an eyelid.
"It's just—you plan a career, you focus, then suddenly the world's ending and it's too late to...say what you should have said sooner. It's too late to find time with someone."
Is he turning you down before you've even tried? What does he mean by that? You hold your breath again, trying desperately not to panic. "What should you have said?" you manage to ask.
When he looks up at you the universe shrinks into this everlasting moment and all your breath escapes in one long, shallow take.
"I love you, Shepard. I always have. I wanna understand what this is between us...and make it real." He huffs and your heart almost splits in two as he tries to hide how vulnerable he feels. His voice deepens with the effort. "That's what I want. What do you want?"
How can you possibly put into words what you've been wanting? Everything. Everything to do with him and every kiss that's gone unshared since your death. The intensity of this radiates in the tone of your voice as you try to pour these pains into each word. "I can't bury what I feel for you anymore. And I don't want to. I miss having someone to turn to when things get grim. Someone to live for. That's always been you, Kaidan."
Kaidan takes your hand in his and you grin at each other like idiots, which you are, really, given all this song and dance just to admit, 'hey I still like you, is that okay?' Adults. Sheesh.
"And that," he places your hand against his scuppered cheek, "makes me so happy."
Makes him so happy? It's an effort not to jump out your seat and shout about it to the whole presidium. Your smile stretches to the point of pain. It's a nice feeling.
"And there are benefits to that happiness..." he whispers, kissing your palm.
Oh man, what politician did you make happy to hear all this in one sitting? Heat blossoms down your thighs and rushes through your chest. It's an effort not to dive across the space between you right then and there. You pull his hand towards you instead and clutch it to your chest, where the hot, entwining, magnetic need for him is strongest.
Kaidan laughs again. "But more on that later."
"Later?" you exclaim. "We need to get back to the Normandy, ASAP." Just as you push back your chair, ready to run off with his hand clenched in yours, the waiter pushes between you both to place your orders down. You let go of his hand and the feeling of need grows stronger.
"Ah, too late!" says Kaidan, amused by your struggling desires. "Our drinks are here, and...I'm gonna take my time."
Right. Right. Slow down, Commander. You take up your drink and the greatest sensation of peace melts into your shoulders. Kaidan's here, he's with you, and he loves you. Aside from getting him alone in your cabin sometime, what else do you need? He's right, there is a chance and there is a purpose. It's smiling at you right now.
"What you call it?" you ask. "A sanity check?"
"Mm, sanity check."
You could do with a little sanity.