-o-
The repairs to Vigil were almost complete when Velanna brought shattering news. She returned, dirt-stained and travel weary, from her pilgrimage to the Arlathvhen. Naomi met her in the courtyard.
"Where's Alistair?" Velanna asked, which was strange. Naomi was sure they didn't get along.
"Off with Stroud and...," Naomi realized she didn't know their names, "two new recruits. Some men he found in West Hills. They're gathering darkspawn blood, they'll be back soon."
Velanna scowled. "Stroud sure recruits a lot of people."
He did. In the past two years Stroud had recruited seventeen Wardens, sturdy warriors with names like Ethan and Vlad. Four of them were Orlesian and spoke not a word of King's. Naomi had recruited a mage once, a young Libertarian looking for a way out. He spat blood when he died. She left the recruiting to Stroud after that.
"It's his job." Naomi crossed her arms. "What happened at the Arlathvhen? Did you find any news about Seranni?"
"No," Velanna said, and she blew out a breath. "No one has seen her. Moreover, I have learned that I am, in no uncertain terms, no longer welcome among the Dalish." Velanna chewed her lip and looked away. "They do not look kindly on murderers."
"Oh, Velanna." Naomi reached out to comfort her, and Velanna let her touch her arm. "I'm sorry."
After a moment the elf pulled away. "This is not what I needed to tell you," she said. "I learned something else. There has been some talk among the Dalish who have settled in the lands at Ostagar. Apparently a strange woman with black hair has been seen at Asha'bellanar's hut." Naomi's eyes widened, and Velanna continued. "It sounded like it might be your witch, the one who taught you shapeshifting. I thought you would want to know."
Naomi opened her mouth, but she could not find words to express her shock. She had long past given up hope that she would ever see her sometime sister again, but it seemed Morrigan was back in Ferelden, spat back from wherever far flung locale had swallowed her. Naomi did not know what to say. She did not even know if she wanted to see her. She closed her mouth.
"They also said she was with child," Velanna added.
Naomi looked at Velanna. Telling the elf her secrets was like sharing them with the Maker, as she talked to no one else. She took a deep breath and said, "Yes, I know. It's Alistair's."
"What? The churl! I'll—"
"No, you don't understand." Naomi felt her eyes watering, and she squeezed them shut. "I gave him to her."
Velanna stared at her, and she sputtered, and then she blew out a breath. "Oh, Naomi," she said. She placed a hand awkwardly on Naomi's arm, and Naomi leaned against her shoulder. Velanna patted her back and sighed. "You foolish girl."
Naomi sniffed a laugh and pulled away. Alistair should hear this, she thought. The idea of telling him tied her stomach in knots, and she waited anxiously, but when Alistair returned with Stroud and the others, there was a Joining to attend. The ceremony went as they did. When it was done, Ferelden had one more Warden and one more body to be buried. Garevel made the arrangements, and Naomi said a prayer for each of them, her fist clenched over her gut. The new Warden's name was Rainer; the other was Jace.
It was not the right time, Naomi thought. Day passed solemnly into night. Naomi curled up against the hollow of Alistair's shoulder, staring into the dark silence. In the morning the Keep was light again. The day marched on, and Naomi knew her news would not wait. She found Alistair in the kitchen, leaning over a table with his finger in some sort of fluffy white confection.
"What's that?" she asked.
He startled, blushing as he licked his finger, then he pushed the treat towards her— a cake, she thought— and said, "Um... happy name day?"
Naomi frowned. "It's not my name day."
Alistair grinned back at her. "Are you sure? It might be." She watched him curiously as he picked up a knife and cut a wedge out of the cake. "I was thinking about how you missed out on all those family things, growing up in the Tower. I mean, I spent most of my name days with the goats in the stable, but you've never even had one." The piece was transferred to a plate and the plate was pushed into her hands. "I thought you might like to."
Naomi looked down at the cake; she felt almost uncomfortably warm. "Mostly I just saw the cake and I wanted it," he admitted. Alistair ran his hand through his hair. "I was going to invite other people, you know, later, but you caught me before I got the chance."
Naomi looked up at him, standing behind the table, with his hair slightly disheveled and a touch of sugar still on his fingers. She smiled despite herself. "I like it better this way," she said. He was waiting for her to take the first bite, so she did: the cake was soft and creamy, sweet but also sour. "What kind of cake is this?" she asked.
"It's cheescake! Isn't it brilliant?" Alistair looked like he was going to explode with joy. "It's cheese, but it's also cake."
Naomi laughed, and Alistair smiled brightly. She took another bite, and he served himself a somewhat larger piece. "It's perfect," she said, and she meant it, but the news about Morrigan was still niggling at her thoughts. Naomi pushed her plate away. "Alistair, I need to talk to you about... something."
Alistair set down his fork and straightened. "That sounds serious."
Naomi swallowed. Their life had just begun to straighten out. She knew that he loved her, she knew that, but some part of her wondered if she could ever compete with Morrigan. She wondered if Alistair would still think to bring her cake if he could be eating cake with the mother of his child. She opened her mouth of speak and ended up hugging him instead.
"What's all this?" he asked. Naomi pulled him closer.
"Do you want children?" she blurted. He shifted in her arms, and she added quickly, "W-with me, I mean."
She felt him go tense, and when he did not answer immediately she regretted the question. After an uncomfortable silence he squeezed her shoulder. "It's not really worth thinking about, is it?"
Naomi sighed. "No, I suppose not," she said. She patted his arm. "Can I ask you a favor?" He nodded. "Bann Ceorlic has been complaining about darkspawn in the south bannorn for months. Can you take Oghren and check it out?"
"Just the two of us?" His brow creased. "You aren't coming?"
"It's probably nothing," she said. "I'm needed here, and I know you can handle it." Naomi smiled at him, and Alistair brightened in the warmth of her trust. He smiled back without suspicion. She slipped away a few hours after he did.
-o-
"Why did you come here?"
Naomi looked up at Morrigan and wondered if the witch had truly imagined that she could not come. Perhaps for her the bonds between people were that easily severed, but it was not this way for Naomi. The shimmering Eluvian yawned behind them, a place beyond this world and beyond the Fade hidden in its aubergine depths.
Naomi swallowed. "We were friends once, Morrigan," she tried.
"So you chase me all this way to... offer help?" Morrigan cocked her head to the side, considering this strange notion of aiding the people close to you. Then she shifted her weight, shrugging as she crossed her arms. "I will never understand you," she said, "and you will never understand me."
"I won't understand unless you help me to," Naomi cringed at the pang of desperation in her voice. She bit her lip. "Why did you betray me?"
Morrigan frowned. "I did not betray you," she said. "I left, just as I said I would."
Naomi shook her head. Every moment of kinship had been a betrayal, turned sour by how it ended. She could feel the bear growling in the pit of her stomach. "You lied to me all along."
Morrigan shrugged. "'Tis true I deceived you," she said. "I needed you, yes, but I also did not want to see you die." Morrigan let slip that bare note of concern before she crossed her arms and her eyes narrowed. "And here you stand, alive. So do not speak to me of betrayal."
The last word came out knife sharp, though from anger or pain Naomi could not guess. She looked away. Naomi had never held a grudge before. She wanted to forgive Morrigan, so much, but she did not know how to forgive someone who did not ask for forgiveness.
"Tell me where the child is," she said.
"He is safe, and beyond your reach." Naomi squeezed her eyes shut; so it was a boy. She could see a picture of him in her mind, a curious toddler with hazel eyes and red-blond hair that never lay flat. Or maybe he had black hair and golden eyes. She wondered how readily he smiled. She wondered what his laugh might sound like.
"Change is coming to the world," Morrigan was saying. "Many fear change, and will fight it with every fibre of their being. But sometimes change is what they need most. Change is what sets them free."
Naomi looked back. "Let me come with you," she said.
Morrigan drew back, caught off guard by the unexpected offer. Naomi had surprised herself as well. The bear was leaping in her chest. She could not say what made her say it, but she knew suddenly that she did not want Morrigan to walk through the Eluvian alone.
"I wish that were possible," Morrigan said, when she had caught herself. "But you do not know what you ask. I cannot allow you to make that sacrifice." Naomi searched her eyes, and there was a hint of the Morrigan she thought she knew. That woman stood there silently, alone and vulnerable, and Naomi wanted to bound up the stairs and pounce into the Eluvian with her but she knew she would not make it in time. Morrigan hooded her eyes.
"Good-bye, my friend," she said, and then that woman was gone.
Naomi stared into the Eluvian. In Morrigan's wake it roiled, the ripples spreading out from the space where the witch had been, each wave smaller than the last until it finally leveled and went dark. Naomi felt her hopes unravel; whatever she had come for, she had not found it. She would never even see the child.
She winced when Ariane touched her shoulder. "I can take Finn back to the tower," the Dalish woman offered, her almond eyes creasing in concern. Naomi looked at the young mage and felt a fresh surge of guilt.
"I'm so sorry," she blurted. "You wanted to study the mirror, and now it's..." The words caught in her throat, and she shook her head. "Gone."
Finn jabbered something about the value of the journey, and the importance of any relic no matter how abused, and Naomi nodded and left him to Ariane. She knelt and retrieved Morrigan's book, its weight making her clumsy. She shoved it into her pack. In a daze she stumbled out of the Dragonbone Wastes, her staff dragging rifts through the dirt as she made her way back to Vigil's Keep alone.
Cody pushed his nose into her hand and licked her fingers. Not alone, he reminded her, and Naomi stroked the velvet hairs of his head. When she was sure she would not be seen, Naomi touched both hands to the ground and assumed her bear shape.
Before long the Vigil appeared and the bear reared up; after a moment Naomi was human again, and she straightened her back and smoothed her chestnut hair with her hands.
"Well look who it is." Alistair crossed his arms over his chest.
Cody ran ahead, yipping happily, but Naomi stopped where she stood. She felt her mouth go dry, and she tried to swallow. "You're back early," she managed.
Alistair reached down to ruffle Cody's ears. "There weren't nearly as many darkspawn in the South as you were led to believe," he explained, "but I suppose that's what you get for trusting Bann Ceorlic. Oghren and I got back two days ago."
Then he scowled at her, and she felt a ball of heat turning in the pit her stomach. "Nobody could tell me where you were," he said. "Velanna said you'd run off but she couldn't tell me where, I was worried. You don't usually travel alone."
Naomi looked down at her feet and nudged a pebble with her toe. "It was just checking out a rumor," she demurred. "I didn't want to bother anyone."
Alistair sighed. "I'm being unreasonable, aren't I?" She lifted her head and he took a step towards her. "Of course you can take care of yourself. It's just... well, I paced this courtyard for a whole day, literally, and then on the second day I felt really pathetic, and then that made me angry, and I just... I'm really a hypocrite for being angry after two days, when I left you waiting for half a year." He bit his lip and then he took her hands in his, pulling her towards him. "Can we be kissing now?"
Naomi looked up at him, and exhaled, and then she smiled and nodded and his lips were on hers.
Alistair made a noise low in his throat and she felt his hands on her hips, grasping needfully. He tasted like lamb stew. She pulled away to gasp for air and his mouth moved to the corner of her jaw, drawing breath against his chin. He wrinkled his nose. "You smell like a bear."
She felt her skin flash hot. "I wasn't expecting to see you," she said. "We don't have to—"
"Naomi, please." He knelt and then lifted her into his arms, and she hesitated before she wrapped her arms around his neck and let him carry her back into the Keep. She collapsed beneath the familiar burden of his weight and let him take her over.
Sated, he kissed her cheek roughly; she turned to him and tried to find the right words. "I love you so much," she began.
"I love you too," he said. He pulled her against his side, and she rested her head on his shoulder, feeling the distance spreading out between them.
-o-
"You know who I miss?" Oghren said. He rocked back on his heels. "Sigrun. Girl was a bit of alright."
"She did make these Deep Roads seem brighter," Nathaniel agreed. He pulled an arrow free of a slaughtered genlock and wiped its blood off the shaft.
In these dark tunnels the corruption was oppressive, and they could all hear the darkspawn singing in the back of their minds. Naomi shivered. They both looked at her and she nodded, smiling a little.
"Sigrun was the Legionnaire?" Alistair asked.
"Sigrun was the deserter." Stroud's voice was hard and unforgiving. Two of Stroud's men grunted their assent, and the conversation stopped short.
Stroud was the reason they were in the Deep Roads. The Orlesian was the moustachioed embodiment of Warden clandestiny, and when asked why they were in the Deep Roads he was typically evasive. A dark power is rising, de sous nous il dévore, or some such, but his intelligence was usually sound, and so Naomi had agreed to follow him down.
Velanna stood apart from the group, her eyes scanning the dark. She had been more aloof than usual, Naomi thought, since her trip to the Arlathvhen. She moved towards the elf. "What are you looking for?" she asked.
"I thought I saw my sister," Velanna said.
Naomi nodded. "I used to think I'd seen Morrigan in the market," she said. "A girl with dark hair, or a black skirt. Of course now that I've—"
"No, it was her," Velanna said. She reached for her staff and bolted suddenly, dashing off down the corridor. Naomi stared at the space where she had been, then she shouted at the others and took off after her.
She turned a corner and Velanna wasn't there. Naomi held her breath. There was no way to follow the hum of the taint; there were too many other beacons down here, both Warden and darkspawn. Naomi slid sideways into the bear and found Velanna's scent.
Stroud shouted for her to slow down, but the bear did not know patience, and she didn't want to lose the trail. She could feel the corruption of darkspawn pressing close, and then suddenly they were surrounded. The ground shook with Keeper magic: Velanna stood with her back to the wall, her staff raised, dust whorling around her slim form. Oghren took his place in front of her, and Naomi felt dizzy with relief. She threw herself into the fight.
A hurlock charged at her and she bit off its head. Hot black ichor ran down her jaw, its taste both sickly and familiar, and she felt the stab of a thrill she'd forgotten. There were no politics in these fights, and no guilt in tearing the monsters apart. She saw an ogre and she fairly howled her pleasure. She barreled after it and sunk her teeth into the soft muscles of his neck; she shuddered when he howled. Naomi knocked him to the ground and tore at his flesh with her claws. He was strong but she was stronger, and when at last she stood over his dead body she forgot herself for a moment, panting and grinning foolishly.
"Morrigan!" Alistair shouted. Naomi turned around, unable to express her confusion in her bear shape. "Look out!"
She didn't realize he was talking to her until it was too late. The hurlock's axe collided with her skull and sent her reeling. Alistair intercepted the attacker before the skull could cleave bone, but Naomi could only barely register this. She stumbled away, and strong hands gripped her arms. She was dimly aware that she was human again.
Naomi felt herself falling. Her head was on a lap, and she looked up, saw Stroud. She smiled dreamily; she had lost a lot of blood. He seemed to smile back, although it was hard to tell, under that moustache. She heard herself giggle. He rubbed a poultice into her hair, and she worried how it would make her look, and then he set about stitching her back together and she felt the poultice itch and burn. She thought she was crying.
Someone was holding her hand. Alistair's face appeared in her vision, and she tried to form coherent words, failed somewhat.
"You called me Morrigan," she mumbled.
"No I didn't," he said. She lost consciousness.
When she awoke it was the middle of the night, or she thought it was; it was hard to tell in the Deep Roads. Alistair lay beside, watching over her, but he had fallen asleep and she gently lifted his arm off of her, rolled away, sat up. Everything was quiet. She stood and wrapped her blanket around herself.
At the edge of her vision, she saw a flash of golden hair, and she turned to see Velanna making her way around the edge of the camp. The elf had a pack slung over her shoulder, and she walked quickly, even for her. Naomi watched her for a moment before she waved.
"Velanna," she said, just loud enough to catch her attention. None of the others stirred.
Velanna stepped back, cocking her head like a startled bird, and Naomi crossed the campsite to her. "Commander," Velanna said, when she reached her. "I didn't know you were awake. How is your head?"
Naomi gave a little moan and touched her head gingerly. "Really stupid, but I'll survive," she said. Velanna didn't seem to know what to say, and Naomi sat down on a crag. "I wanted to thank you," she said. "The other day... Alistair said he asked you where I was. And that you didn't tell him."
Velanna's mouth twisted into a sneer. "I wasn't covering for you," she huffed. "I just don't like talking to him." She shrugged, letting her pack fall to the ground. "Did you find your witch?"
Naomi took a deep breath and exhaled. "Yes, I did find her, but then I lost her again. Forever this time, I think." She looked away. "She had her child. It's a boy."
Velanna did not seem to know how to respond. "Well, it had to be one or the other," she said eventually.
Naomi laughed. "Not necessarily. It could have been a dragon with six heads, or a single note of music, for all I know." Naomi leaned back, resting her head against the tainted walls. She looked up at the stone ceiling. "But it's just a boy."
"You let her go?" Velanna asked.
"I tried to stop her but she got away." Velanna frowned, and Naomi shook her head quickly. "It doesn't matter. I don't ever want to see her again." But her throat caught as she said it.
Velanna chewed her lip, considering this, and Naomi pushed herself to her feet. Reaching behind her head, she unclasped the necklace that hung from her neck. She wasn't even sure which particular piece of jewelry it was, but she took Velanna's hand suddenly and pushed it into her palm.
"Here," she said. "I want you to have this."
Velanna looked down at her hand. "Why?"
"You're running off, aren't you?" Naomi nodded at her pack, and Velanna's eyes widened, but she did not deny it. Naomi pushed her fingers over her palm, closing the elf's hand around the necklace. "I want you to have this, so that you'll always remember that you have a place with the Wardens, if you need it."
"Oh." Velanna stared at Naomi, and her jaw worked, and then she shoved the necklace into a pocket. "Abelas, Commander," she said. "I would stay, but... well... I have to find my sister."
Naomi smiled. "I understand." A cold draught blew down the tunnel, and Naomi shivered and wrapped her arms around herself. "Everyone leaves," she said. "First Morrigan, and then Anders, and now you. Sometimes I wonder..."
Velanna rolled her eyes. "Alistair isn't going to leave you, Naomi."
"I know that." Naomi forced a laugh. "I just mean I'm the only mage left, now. I'll miss you."
Velanna lifted her chin, meeting her eyes, and Naomi smiled faintly. After a moment Velanna crossed her arms across her chest and bowed her head. "Dareth shiral, lethallan," she said, and then she turned and walked away. Naomi watched as her silhouette was swallowed by the dark.
-o-