Keeping a Secret
Chapter 2: Questions and concerns

For Po, it was like a bolt of lightning had just leaped out of the crisp autumn sky and zapped him squarely in the forehead. His head swirled, his knees felt weak and shaky, and adrenaline made his veins buzz as if they had suddenly filled with electricity.

His mother…

This was impossible. His mother was dead; he had known that for over three years. He had seen it, projected into his mind's eye like some horrifying shadow puppet show when the soothsayer had brought him into the abandoned panda village: his mother had attempted to save him from Shen and his wolf army. They had chased her into the forest, and she had run, clutching his little baby self tightly against her. Finally, she had known that she couldn't escape, and had put him in a radish basket about to be shipped out to the Valley of Peace. His last glimpse of her had been when she ran over the hill, attracting the attention of the torch-carrying wolves, while a bristling fan tail was all that was visible of the peacock warlord rushing towards her…

And now Shen was claiming that he hadn't killed her?

Po couldn't speak, and Shen didn't look like he was much better off. His crest was flattened as low as it could possibly go, and his chest was rapidly pulsating as he took near-hyperventilating breaths. But his eyes weren't closed. He was waiting to see Po's reaction…

Po blinked, coming to himself; he realized that his eyes were dewy and that nearly a minute had passed since anyone had spoken. He looked at Shen and opened his mouth, but no sound came out.

Finally, Shen turned away, his hands moving restlessly behind his back. "Do with that what you will, I suppose," he murmured.

"I…" Po sucked in a deep, shaky breath. "She…she's alive?"

"I don't know," answered Shen grimly, not turning around. "All I know is that I didn't kill her."

Po's heart felt all weird and fluttery. His shock wasn't dissolving at all, but a new sense of joy was moving into combat it. His mother…his mother was…she might be alive! He might not be an orphan after all! Of course, that was only if Shen was telling the truth…

"Why?" he asked, which was about all he could get out between the emotions threatening to burst from his heart. Fortunately, Shen understood well enough.

"Because she…she did something for me, and…" Shen was struggling to not bring up the issue that still haunted him to this day – the real reason why his hatred towards Lady Biming had been eradicated. "Lady Biming – your mother, I mean – was my…my parents' friend. She was a healer. When I was younger, she was always the one they called to take care of me when I was ill. But then she did this favor for me and I…just…I couldn't, all right!" he blurted, his fists squeezing shut, his eyes stinging as if he'd received a handful of grit in the face.

Po wiped his eyes. Maybe it was just because of his own desperate wish that this was true, but he was now certain that Shen wasn't lying. His mother – gods in heaven, his mother might be alive –

"I hope I haven't u-upset you…" Shen stammered, unable to look his former enemy in the eyes again; he kept himself turned towards the peach tree.

"No…" Po shook his head, feeling the unavoidable, stupidly large grin spread over his face. "You've said exactly what I wanted to hear."

And with that, he took off running towards the Jade Palace.

As for Shen, he stayed by the tree, shutting his eyes as he leaned against the trunk. Up until now, he had avoided thinking about Lady Biming and the fact that he had spared her. He had forced himself to believe the lie that she had been slaughtered, committing himself to the same mindset that everyone else had. She was just another aspect of his horrible guilt and indebtedness that he preferred not to dwell on.

She had had no reason to care for him…but she'd cared regardless. She had known him since long before Po (or was it Bao Yu, or did it really matter?) was born, when the heir to the throne of Gongmen City had been a newborn, sickly albino peachick with a very low chance of survival. But she had believed that he could exceed his initial life expectancy, if only he was given a little help, and had proven her commitment by diligently showing up week after month after year to fill him up with medicines. Sure enough, Shen had survived, and how had he repaid her? By killing her entire village and leaving her to cope with the pain. Wonderful.

But of course – he couldn't kid himself here – the reason he'd left her alive had nothing to do with the fact that she'd basically saved his life, although he certainly owed her for that. Even at age nineteen, he'd been glowering at her for making him swallow such foul-tasting powders and elixirs. No, the thing that had really made him feel like he needed to repay her had been the breakdown that he'd had a dream about…and the time, shortly after, when she'd saved his Nana.

He closed his eyes and allowed the memories to wash over him…

The visit to the panda village had been the final straw. Shen was fed up with his parents treating him like a trophy. He had started experimenting with fireworks in order to prove his intelligence and make them proud, and plotted military conquests because he wanted them to see that he was useful; instead they took it as a sign of great darkness, the full realization of his status as a bad color, bad omen. And yet when they weren't saying both behind his back and to his face how he wasn't right, they were simply ignoring him. He had become their trophy: they would take him down and show him to their friends when it suited them, and then leave him up on a high shelf to gather dust the rest of the time. Well, no more. He'd had it with trying to live up to being a great lord; it was clear that he'd never amount to anything. It was time to run away for real.

Ironically enough, it was raining the night he left, just like that one time when he and Xun had tried to run away when they were seven. This time, though, Shen was prepared. He'd expertly packed all of his supplies and personal possessions, and he wasn't in danger of collapsing just from a little rainwater anymore. After living in the Tower of the Sacred Flame for almost twenty years, it was easy enough for him to sneak out past the guards – on the rare instances that he was actually noticed by one, the wolves were happy enough to let him pass, as he made a point of being on good terms with them all. He walked through the dark, wet city with a lump in his throat, but he wouldn't cry; he hadn't cried since he was a chick, and he certainly wasn't going to now. This was something that he had to do…it was the only useful thing that he could contribute to Gongmen.

And the soothsayer had come looking for him, of course. There was no way that she would have just let her baby walk out on her. She had gone hurrying through the rain, desperately calling him, feeling the cold weather bite into her aging bones (although this was before she'd had that walking stick), and this time, it had been her that had gotten sick. She had crumpled in the middle of the street, and Shen, who had been listening to her shouts for him with barely repressed tears, had noticed her sudden silence. Fearing the worst, he'd gone back to find her…and the worst was exactly what he'd seen.

She was so sick that he'd literally had to carry her back to the palace, and she didn't get any better once she was warm and dry inside. Shen was no doctor, but he could tell by the sound of her breathing that she had pneumonia, perhaps because he himself had suffered through the illness so many times before. His parents had sent for Lady Biming, and then he'd had an awful fight with his father about the reason why he'd run away…and then…

Shen had just been getting to leave again – his travel pack was slung over his shoulder and he was almost through the door – when Lady Biming approached him. "My Prince, your Nana may have little time left…" she whispered in a strained voice.

"You don't have to tell me!" Shen could barely prevent himself from breaking. "She will die and it will be my fault! It will be my fault for running away, for causing trouble, for being BORN! I already know!"

"Darling, I was just going to ask you if you wanted to say goodbye…" She was just as upset as he was. Of course, the soothsayer was her old friend. "If my medicines don't work, she may be gone by morning…"

"Then I'll be gone by morning as well…" The young prince's face had contorted awfully as he tried to keep in the tears. "It's not as if anyone will want to see me again. Tell her I said goodbye. And tell her I'm sorry for being s-such a monster that I c-c-can't f-f-feel l-lov…"

Biming strode forward and wrapped her arms around him, and she didn't allow him to pull away.

"You are no different from anyone else," she said firmly. "You feel love, you feel pain – pain especially – and you are not a bad omen. I don't know what on earth your parents were thinking, treating you with such neglect…you did not deserve it."

"Yes I did…" Shen mumbled hoarsely. It was taking all of his willpower for him not to bury into her like a child. Being pressed this close to her, he could smell that she carried the aroma of potent herbal tea and growing things – nothing like the way his Nana smelled, but not unpleasant either.

"No, you did not," she contradicted gently, smoothing his feathers. "If I had known what was happening…if I could have stopped it…and don't hold back your tears, darling…"

"Tears accomplish nothing! Crying gives you nothing but puffy eyes and a wet face!" Shen nearly screamed.

"Tears cleanse; mourning cleanses!" she cried. "Please do not deny yourself tears, and release your pain…"

"Crying doesn't make things magically better!" He was shivering violently in her arms now, and it was clear that anger was the only thing keeping him from breaking down completely. "It just…it just reminds you that things won't ever be okay!"

"They will be if you give them a chance!" Lady Biming insisted, breathing heavily.

"They will NOT!" Shen tore himself away from her, every feather on his body bristling. "Nana will die, my parents won't love me, and I will continue to bring pain to everyone simply because I exist! Well, I'm done with all of this! I already know that no one has ever wanted me, and I don't know why they continue to pretend! I'll leave since that will make them happy! You're all free to pretend that I was never here!"

At that moment, the soothsayer whimpered in her near-comatose state, a hoof reaching in the air for her child.

Tears were rolling down Biming's face. "Your Nana needs you, Shen!"

"She doesn't need me! I've done nothing but hurt her!"

"Please…" The panda was begging him now, pleading for him to do this not for his own sake, but for the soothsayer's. "If you leave, she WILL die. You are why she is holding on…"

"W-why…" He swallowed hard. "Would she hold on…for me…"

"Because…" Biming took a deep breath and finally spoke out loud the words that everyone at the Tower of the Sacred Flame had always known, but never wanted to admit: "Because you're her son."

"Um, Shen? Are you okay?"

Shen jerked. He realized that he had momentarily dozed off while leaning against the peach tree, and turned around to find Xun studying him with some concern. Xun – otherwise known as the wolf boss formerly at the head of Shen's army – had been best friends with the peacock since the two of them were five, and they had been reunited at the Jade Palace only recently. Xun didn't normally worry about Shen much, but he'd seen some of the events of yesterday and knew that his friend was probably pretty shaken up.

"I'm alright," Shen sighed. "Just thinking too hard, that's all."

Xun's ears perked up in curiosity. "What's going on?"

Shen scrutinized his face. The wolf certainly didn't look like someone who had just learned of a shocking truth about a dead person who might not really be dead after all – which meant that Po hadn't spread the word about what Shen had told him. One thing to be grateful about, anyway. "It's nothing. Don't worry about it."

"Well, if you're sure…" Xun looked uncertain. "I mean, I know you were upset about what happened yesterday…which reminds me, Kurisu is looking for you."

Shen brightened a bit. Perhaps it would cheer him up to know that his itty bitty kitty was all right again.

Down at the Jade Palace, everything seemed to be progressing normally. Po was nowhere to be seen, but training was going on as usual and no one seemed remarkably shocked about everything. Shen struggled to act is if everything was just the usual with him, as well. As usual, no one paid him any mind…except for the kitten that suddenly leaped on his back, hugging his neck hard enough choke him.

"Oh – !" Shen staggered under the sudden onset of weight, craning his head in order to see his unexpected passenger. "Was that really necessary, itty bitty kitty?"

"Yes," giggled Kurisu, happily nuzzling against his feathers. She appeared to be in a perfectly good mood today; Shen relaxed. That was one less thing to worry about.

She pouted a little as he detached her from him, but quickly began to bounce on her feet eagerly. "Come train with me!" she demanded enthusiastically.

"The healer said you aren't supposed to be training yet," he warned. "You still have that nasty stab wound…" His eyes moved uncomfortably to the spot on her stomach where the bandage would be, but it was blocked by her shirt.

"Oh, come on! Just a little! We can do some sparring!"

Shen smiled weakly. "Maybe later, all right? I don't think I'm up to it at the moment…"

Kurisu squinted at him suspiciously. "What's the matter with you?"

"Nothing…"

She huffed. "You and Po are both acting weird today. Are you guys keeping a secret or something?"

You have no idea, he thought wryly. "If we were, we wouldn't be able to tell you because then it wouldn't be a secret anymore…"

Kurisu stuck out her tongue and marched off to find someone else who would train with her.

The rest of the day passed without incident. Shen didn't even see Po again until dinner, where the panda seemed jumpy and excited and oddly quiet for him. The two of them didn't acknowledge each other, but that came as a surprise to no one. Everyone knew that after all this time, they still didn't mix…

Shen didn't realize that what he had admitted had spawned unexpected consequences until much later that night.

He was in his room, beginning his nightly meditations and really starting to feel calm for the first time that day, when Kurisu threw the door open. She was limping, her injury hindering her physical movements, but there was a look of utmost determination on her face as she approached him. He opened his eyes, a bit irritated, and looked at her coolly. "What is it?"

"Po's gone!"

A/N - Uh, guys? Reviews? Reviews would be nice.