Count On Me.
A/N: I don't exactly know what happened to Murdock before he was admitted to the VA because I haven't had a chance to watch every episode yet, although I'm working on that, so this is only based on the general idea and some elements may be created by me. Also, I've made this a two-shot on request, and I'm really glad I did, I enjoyed writing this even if the subject is the opposite of cheery. Please review, I'd like to know what you think.
Warning: Talk about self harm.
I pace my room for what seems like hours, mulling over the best course of action in my mind. I have to do something, it's not like I can just leave this. I know all too well what it's like.
I could speak to Hannibal, but this is very personal, I have a feeling Face would rather I didn't. I feel awkward going back there, but I know I have to now, confront this head on.
I leave my room for the second time tonight, it's late, he might be asleep, but this is one of the only times I'll be able to talk to him alone.
I knock, then again; louder. I hear a sleepy groan.
"I'm asleep."
"It's important Face."
A few moments later the door swings open, Face is in his dressing gown and pyjamas, he looks irritated. But it's not like before, it's almost affectionate, "I'm assuming it's not that urgent as I don't hear sirens or gunshots?"
"It's a different kind of urgent," I say, pushing past him into the room, he closes the door with a slightly curious look.
I begin to pace, unsure of what to say, Face watches me with something that looks like amusement, eyelids drooping, "Can I get back into bed while you think? Or..?"
"No," I snap, taking him by surprise, "You need to listen to this, like I said it's important."
He nods, "Ok, go ahead then."
I decide to go for the ambiguous approach, and hope he confesses, "I know."
He frowns, a smile tugging at his lips, "You know what?" He's mocking me. Well, I didn't expect this to be easy, he is a conman.
"I know what you've been doing." I expand.
"That sounds kind of creepy Murdock," He chuckles.
I'm getting a little irritated now, I'm sure deep down he's panicking, but he's too good at what he does to show it. I'm just going to have to keep pushing.
"I know what you've been doing to your arms."
Suddenly the blood rushes from his face and he pales dramatically, but he regains his composure quickly, even if he isn't quite as confident as he seemed before, "Murdock," He's almost whispering now, voice hoarse, "I don't know what you're talking about."
I slowly open and close my eyes, wishing this wasn't happening. I step forward, reaching for Face's sleeve, he jumps back, "What're you doing?"
"You know what I'm doing," I say, my voice calm despite my fear and anger.
"No I don't," He's shaking now, backing away from me, against the wall.
I step towards him, trying not to appear threatening, despite the fact that I'm closing in on him.
"Come on Face, just lift up your sleeve, show me that I didn't see what I thought I did."
He shakes his head, letting out a slow moan, and I'm horribly reminded of people at the VA. People I saw stumble and fall down the same slippery slope.
"Facey?"
He sighs, and I think I've got him, I think he's going to confess. Instead, after tricking me into putting my guard down he darts round me, diving into the bathroom and locking the door.
"Well that definitely proves that you don't know what I'm talking about," I call into him sarcastically, sliding down the wall so I'm sitting next to the wooden door.
He doesn't reply, he knows I'm right.
"Face, talk to me."
Again no reply.
So I say something I have no intention of doing, it's mean, but I know it'll get a response out of him, "I'm going to talk to Hannibal."
"No you won't," He replies too quickly, but his voice seems uncertain.
I don't speak again, waiting for him to initiate the next move.
"I didn't really mean too, it just happened. I was feeling terrible about everything that happened, with Bancroft, you..." I sense it's a lot easier for him to talk like this, through a door.
"I understand Face."
"Well you shouldn't, it's stupid, and it's pointless," He snaps back, "If I'm going to do this I might as well have just killed myself; this is much more cowardly."
I jump at his words, they send a shock through me that makes me shout back, "Don't you dare say that!" My voice drops, "Don't...don't ever...ever do that."
He doesn't reply, tears start to roll relentlessly down my cheeks, what he's said it unthinkable; how come I didn't notice? I feel like a terrible friend, unfortunately this feeling isn't so unfamiliar as of late.
"Face?"
"I'm so stupid. I was going to stop, after tonight, after we talked. I promise you I was."
I shake my head, despite the fact he can't see me, "It's not that easy."
"How would you know?" He snarled back at me, "Just because you spent years stuck in that VA, doesn't mean you know anything about this."
I smile sadly, the team knows so little about my medical history, about how much better I am when I'm with them, focussed on a job. Of course it's been many years since I've done anything close to this.
When I don't reply Face obviously puts two and two together, "You...you didn't?" He sounds disbelieving.
"Yeah," I hate having to reply out loud, but he can't see me.
Suddenly the bolt is pulled back, and Face appears, eyes red. He looks down at me and quickly sits by my side.
He stares at me for a moment, I look forward, refusing to look back at him, "Why'd you do it?" He asks in a whisper.
"After my crash," I didn't have to elaborate, Face knew I was talking about the crash that had me admitted to the VA, "I was depressed. It seemed like a good idea at the time..." I decide not to mention other, single times over the years. My mental instability is a given, Face is supposed to by the sensible one. "When did you do it last?"
My question was so casual I could've been asking about his day, or the weather, but as I look over to him I see seriousness etched deep into his face.
He doesn't make eye contact with me, "This evening."
The frankness sends another jolt through me, "Before or after we spoke?" I hold my breath waiting for the answer.
"Before."
I let out the air suddenly, relieved that he hadn't felt the need to still do it after we spoke.
There's another awkward silence, and I can't keep from asking, "Can I...I mean can I see?"
He looks alarmed, but nods slowly, so trusting of me he stretches both arms out.
I pull back the sleeve closest to me to reveal a spider web of red lines, some have almost healed, some still leave small dents in the skin, the most recent have become scabs. I reach for the other sleeve and move it to reveal the same picture.
"You cleaned them?" I ask, voice calm when inside my head voices are shouting at me to panic.
He nods, pushing the sleeves back down and hugging his arms around his chest.
Then he asks me a question that reminds me of the old Face, my best friend from three weeks before, before he got lost because of this idiotic mess. "Do you think there will be lasting scars? Because I was thinking, after you left earlier, when I really realised what I'd been doing, that scars like this aren't exactly attractive. In fact I think they'd scare a woman away."
I almost laugh with relief, he's still in there, "No I don't think they will," I tell him truthfully, "As long as you don't do it anymore."
"No chance of that," Face says, his voice almost warm.
But I can't take the risk, he's a conman, and I find it difficult to distinguish the truth from the lies, "Ok Face, don't take this the wrong way, I believe you; but..."
"There's a but?" He looks confused.
"Yes," I reply firmly, "But I'll need to check your arms every day," I ponder for a moment, "And the rest of you actually."
His eyes widen, "You're not serious?"
"I am Facey, I've seen many people with this problem in the VA, it's difficult to kick the habit. Trust me."
At my last words he gives me a strange look, but doesn't comment, "So you're going to look me over every day to check up on me."
"Yes."
"Come on Murdock!"
"Face," I run a hand through my hair, sighing wearily, "I have to; I have to make sure you're ok."
"But I'm fine!" He insists.
"Face you're a conman, saying that means nothing."
"You don't trust me?"
"Of course I do," I'm getting slightly frustrated now, "I just don't trust this, it's a difficult rut to get out of."
"I can do it."
"But you don't have to do it alone."
Finally he grumbles, and I smile, "Fine, but I'm not happy about it."
"Well just remember if you try to argue again I can always go to Hannibal," I tell him happily.
He shakes his head in disbelief, "You wouldn't."
"Ah, but can you be sure?" I grin, and grudgingly he grins back, throwing an arm round my shoulder.
"What would I do without you Murdock," He says quietly, surprising me with rare sentimentality.
"Oh, most probably lead a very boring life with a picket fence and 2.5 kids."
He chuckles softly.
We stay like that, sitting against the wall in silence, for a long time. Eventually Face's head droops down onto my shoulder and I hear his breathing deepen. Soon I do the same, falling into the most peaceful sleep I've had in weeks.