James and Lily's death left Remus heartbroken and alone. Desperate, Remus writes a letter to Sirius to give himself closure. [Wolfstar; Sirius x Remus]

Disclaimer: The wonderful world of Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling and Warner Bros. I only dare lay claim on my imagination.

This one is for in-dreams-maybe; thank you for the lovely birthday dedication. :)

Dear Remus,

I don't know what to say to you. I know how this looks - all the evidence, the circumstances. But please, believe me when I say it wasn't me.

Perhaps you don't trust me anymore, perhaps you are wary - you should be.

I don't know if this will help, I don't know if this letter will even get to you, but I'm going to tell you what happened, Moony, whether you believe me or not.

James changed their secret keeper to Peter, Remus. I wasn't their secret keeper. I'm sorry. I know I should've told you before - why I haven't are grounds of suspicion for you. James was confused, Moony, he was led to think that there was a betrayer among us. Inadvertently, he thought it was you, because of your furry little problem. I did try to speak up for you, Moony, but James was adamant, he insisted that we change the secret keeper without your knowledge. Don't blame James, Moony, you can't fault him for being so cautious.

I know this sounds suspicious, Remus, me pushing the blame onto Peter - but it's the truth.

I don't know if you'll trust me, but take heart when I say I love you, Remus. I still fucking love you.

I care, Moony, and I remember. I remember the times we had together. My favourite were those mornings in the hospital wing, where I would sit quietly watching over you. You always looked so peaceful, Remus, worlds apart from the monster you'd just managed to escape. I remember the sparkle in your eyes when you first awake, changing colours from the murky yellow of the night before to a light, soft yellow with a tinge of grey. Your mouth twists into a smile, no matter how much pain you were in. "Sirius." You would say, and I would just smile.

I remember, Remus, when we first found out about what we had, that we had to snoop around to keep our secret. I remember that when James had almost caught on to what was happening, you denied by throwing a string of insults about me, rambling on and on in your own adorable way about how I was a "blithering, untidy idiot that has no self-control", before stalking away in an unusually rapid pace.

I remember, Remus, the stolen times we had together. I remember you coming over to my bed, and me going over to yours some nights - we never did anything indecent. We knew we didn't need to do anything to prove ourselves to each other, at least not yet, not until we were older. We would just sit there, Remus. We would just sit there and talk about our days, and sometimes we didn't talk at all. Our hands would always be clasped tight, comforted in the knowledge that we had each other. Words didn't have an effect on us at all - we didn't need words. What we had was more than that, more than everything and anything that was tangible or intangible, nothing could express what we had better than the calm and peacefulness we enjoyed together.

Most importantly, Remus, I remember you. Your yellow eyes the warm colour of sunlight - "wolf eyes", you'd said, but I'd never seen wolf eyes as beautiful as yours. The small peak of your nose, your strong, angular jaw. Your sandy-coloured hair that, though nowhere near as messy as James', had a wild style of its own on some days. Your skinny, scrawny, limbs that never fail to give out hugs and comfort. Your scars, a map, a constellation of stars drawn out on your body. You hate them - I know, but I love them as much as I love you, Remus.

I remember, Remus, and I miss it. I miss us. Words were too little for us then, but now - it's all that we have. It's funny really, how much difficulty I am having trying to express what I want to say with just words, Moony, because you deserve more than just words.

I don't know how else to put it, Remus. You know I'm no good with words. And, as I've said, words are not enough to express what we have for each other.

I hope you still trust me, Remus, because I know no one else does, not anymore.

I contemplated a long time before writing this letter, Remus, because it would just be so much easier for you if you hated me, and I went to Azkaban. But I think you deserve the truth. I love you, I really do.

There's no point escaping reality Remus, I'm going to Azkaban, guilty or not. There will be no trial, no investigation, no chance for me to ever see you again - and it breaks my heart. You were the person that taught me how to love, how to find meaning in a life so dull and dark. Thank you, Remus. Thank you for being in my life, thank you for being you, thank you for letting me love you.

Although I can't believe myself saying this, but please, forget me. It would pain me to know that you still hold on to me, to someone in Azkaban. Go find a better partner, Remus, let him love you better than I have, provide you with the comfort that I can never provide again.

Azkaban is just a prolonged death sentence, Remus. There's no point holding on to me. I will die loving you, Moony, but I would die peacefully with the knowledge that you find someone better to continue your life with.

I am ripping my own heart out by saying this, but you deserve so much more. So much more than what I had to offer.

It pains me so much, Moony, to know that you're grieving alone, for the lost of all your friends. I want to go there and hug you, help you slowly put the broken pieces back, but I'm afraid that's not possible.

It wasn't supposed for it to end this way, Moony, and I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Moony, thank you, and I love you. Please remember that.

Love,

From your Sirius

A/N: wow, I actually didn't plan for this letter to turn out this way, but I'm glad it did. I'm thinking of continuing this exchange of letters, what do y'all think? Again, leave me a review if you would like see this continue :)

Hope you guys enjoyed this as much as I enjoyed writing.