~2~

Graduation: Movement

I might as well have not been there but for once, I didn't mind.

The sunlight would carry through the evening. Those who came to the roof after school often wished for sunset but at this time of year, one would have to stay in-school for a lot longer than usual. Best to wait for the seasons to move once more, only we no longer had the luxury of waiting for anything anymore. We'd have to find our own vantage point as our lives spread out and away from here.

As it was, we still had this roof. Frequented by some, I didn't visit often. On that day I made my way up the stairwell and I could see the blue sky and the occasional harmless cloud and the birds that flew past and directly opposite me, leaning against the railings, was Katsuragi. I made to say his name in the fraction of a second it took me to realise that he wasn't alone; stood beside him, also leant against the railings, was Takumu.

It seemed strange to see the two of them together. For being united by being on the Student Council, Takumu and Katsuragi were two who had little to do with one another, moreso once Katsuragi were to learn of the relationship between Takumu and myself. I would ask Katsuragi what he thought of Takumu and he would say little. "He offends me". I understood that. He offended me, too. This didn't seem to stop me loving him despite that, though.

I think perhaps Katsuragi asked Takumu to join him on the roof. If the two of them genuinely didn't notice me then I accepted that, but more I could accept that Katsuragi was ignoring me and Takumu didn't want to acknowledge my presence. This was a meeting that didn't require my attendance and time was running out for it to take place; if Katsuragi had something he needed to say... well. There seemed very little that Katsuragi felt he needed to say, so that by itself was worth noting. By the time of these last days, these last hours on Seirei's soil, there were no secrets left to keep, only resolutions to take and leave as we saw fit. And Katsuragi stared at Takumu for long enough for me to be curious as of his motive before I heard him speak, soft and even as he always was but for that and his words, the venom only increased. Katsuragi was the kind who never got angry because he knew he could inspire more fear by remaining calm, always using this to his best advantage. He was kind and gentle, or at least he could be kind and gentle; he was also a member of the Student Council, which brought with it its own responsibility. I would never have let him onto the Council in the first place had I not thought him capable of what I required him for.

He spoke, addressing Takumu.

"... I hate you."

I'd never heard Katsuragi make such a blunt statement towards anyone before, but I held my tongue. The wind stirred the warm air around us and I merely stood and listened. A lesser pair might have got angry, might have resorted to fists and violence... but, essentially, this was not a statement of warning. Katsuragi was not telling Takumu he hated him as a threat, he meant it simply as a fact.

"I hate you, Kirihara."

Takumu didn't turn to look at Katsuragi, nor did he seem at all surprised by this. "... I know."

"I hate what you've done to him."

"... I don't have anything to say to that."

Apologise, Takumu. Feel sorry. Feel guilty. Feel terrible. Feel something.

Watching them between the silence, I felt distant, like an outsider. This conversation concerned me but ignored me.

"... I also have to thank you, Kirihara."

"... What?" Takumu turned to look at Katsuragi, now.

"... For what you've done to him."

"I don't follow."

"You gave him to me."

"I--!... What he does is his own business."

A long silence between the three of us. Between the two of them.

"Wada--... Wada is the kind of person who pursues his interests with the full force of his passions. Being the top-scoring student in the school, making his way to a top university, always aiming high... we all know this, don't we? Who better to know it than someone who couldn't handle those passions."

"... Katsuragi..."

"I have always admired Wada for that quality. Even in his darkest moments, if nothing else, he gave the situation all that he could muster. Even if his actions were unforgivable, isn't that admirable? To be able to give everything for the sake of a goal?"

"... I think that really depends on the goal. You can't really be suggesting that just because he tried his hardest, that made it all okay? If that's really true then you're worse than I thought you were, jeez."

"You simply couldn't handle his feelings."

"Yeah, but who could? If that's what you want to do then you're welcome to him. I--... I couldn't. I just couldn't, Katsuragi."

"He would have given everything for you, Kirihara."

"I never asked for anything like that!"

"But you led him on, didn't you? He trusted you, he trusted you entirely. And you betrayed that. And for that, I can't forgive you."

"... I know."

I know you know, Takumu. Tell him something more than that. Tell him more than you ever told me. Tell me something that at least tries to satisfy this hurt inside, this gap that you left. You're standing in front of me, but it's like you're a different person. I can see you, but you're gone from me. I don't know if I can handle that. Back then, at least, I didn't think I could. I'd learn that the simple act of living brings its own kind of comfort, but at that time, I couldn't know any of that. I simply watched them, wondering how I could only watch but knowing I couldn't disturb either of them.

"But you gave him to me. I don't know how I should feel about that."

"Damned if I know. It's not like I put a ribbon on him and put him through your mailbox."

"... No, I mean--... this is difficult for me to say, Kirihara. But, if it hadn't been for you, then likely he would never have come to me. So I both hate you and thank you at once. To even think of how you treated him, I can hardly bear to think about it. Yet for how things worked out, I don't dare to think of how they might have turned out differently. Isn't that strange? Is it even possible to hate and love somebody both at once?"

"... Maybe."

"You're not very talkative, Kirihara. Usually I'm the quiet one, am I not?"

"Yeah, well. You're the one who asked me out here in the first place..."

"So don't you have more to say about that?"

Takumu stared at Katsuragi for quite some time before he spoke again.

"At you saying you hate me? Well, I guess that's kind of sad... I mean, maybe you and I haven't got on as well as we might have done, but you're not the kind of person who says something like that if he doesn't mean it, and if that's true, then... I never meant to make you hate me, Katsuragi. I know we probably won't see each other a lot after this, but... it's a shame, because I never meant anything against you. I've always thought you were a good guy, so if you don't like me... I don't blame you, because I know how you feel about Yoshikuni. But I know how I feel about him too, and I can't change that." A smile. "Maybe someday we can meet up under better circumstance."

"... And how do you feel about him?"

"You said it as well yourself. I--... I just can't... handle him, I suppose. He's too much for me. I couldn't be enough for him because he always wanted more from me, more that I just couldn't give. Isn't that understandable? Isn't there just one point where you realise you physically and mentally just can't give anymore? He made me reach that point. We... neither of us were ready for what we were feeling. I think we scared each other."

"Don't put words into his mouth."

"... I wasn't ready for it. I want to say I would have given him everything, but realistically? There are always going to be other commitments, and... if he can't realise that about other people, well, I can only wish him luck trying to find someone who can really give him all the attention he needs because it's far more than I can give, I know that much. He's got his own passions, hasn't he? I couldn't give up modelling as much as he could give up being the top-scoring student. It's a completely separate thing!... Sorry, Katsuragi. I shouldn't be taking this all out on you, it's not your fault."

"Would you take him back?"

Katsuragi could ask such questions so easily. I felt light-headed, watching as if I didn't exist, as if these lives playing out in front of me were nothing to do with my own life or feelings.

"... I don't think so. Not now. Not after everything that happened."

That felt both like the most damning attack and biggest relief I could have heard. Such a large part of me wanted him back and wanted him immediately, but the more sensible part of me knew that such feelings were stupid. Indeed, hadn't that been my own line of thought? That, after everything that had happened, the two of us were too tainted to be able to carry on. We'd always know of that shadow that once existed between us and too many hurtful things had been said. I'd never wanted him to give up his modelling, I'd only wanted his attention, to feel special, like I mattered to him more than those other commitments. And I knew that I couldn't, but it would have been nice for him to pretend, though I knew he wouldn't. Maybe I did want more of him than he was able to give, but what was that? What more could he have given? If asked, I'm not sure I could have said.

Takumu's next line hurt as much as anything else.

"... Will you look after him?"

"I'll do my best."

"If it's you, then I trust you for that. Look after him for me, Katsuragi. Because I couldn't."

"I'm not sure I like feeling as if I'm in your debt for something like this, Kirihara..."

"Just because things didn't work out between us doesn't mean he's a person I'm not going to worry about. We were so close, he--... he seemed to have so much sadness, and I think in the end that I only made that worse. So... if someone can look after him better than I did, then... then I can feel a little better about what happened."

Takumu never did apologise, though.

(As we walked away afterward, he did have a faint look of surprise. I wonder if it was for realising my presence, or perhaps just for realising that he'd been dressed down so sharply by Katsuragi of all people; either explanation was adequate.)