Titan Nerd's Anime Quest for the Ultimate Manga

The second chapter. If you've seen the original movie, then you know what's happening next. I'm going in the order of the original movie.

Scene III: Konohagakure

Kenshin and Sanosuke continued on their way to Tokyo. They made their way through Konohagakure, where all the young shinobi seemed to be working.

"Excuse me, old man," Kenshin said as he tapped someone on the shoulder.

"I'm a girl, you ass," said Sakura, turning around.

"Sorry," said Kenshin. "Old girl, could you tell me..."

"I'm a teenager," said Sakura. "I'm nineteen, I'm not old."

"Well, I'm afraid that teenager isn't much to go on," said Kenshin.

"My name is Sakura," said Sakura. "Haruno Sakura."

"Well, okay, Sakura," said Kenshin. "May I have an answer to my question?"

"I don't know," said Sakura. "You haven't asked yet, and you did call me an old man."

"I'm sorry about the old man," said Kenshin. "If you don't mind me saying so, Sakura, you have absolutely no ass. That plus the hair cut short made you look from behind to me an old man. Sorry."

"That doesn't matter," said Sakura. "I am well aware that I'm probably one of the few anime girls intentionally drawn without a great body. My main problem is that you're calling me by my first name."

"Well of course I am," said Kenshin. "I'm Himura Kenshin, and I'm the main character of Rurouni Kenshin, which ran from 1994 to 1999, so I'm older than you in terms of series dates and our characters, seeing as I am on the set of Naruto."

"Yeah, very nice," said Saukra sarcastically. "So that makes you a classic, doesn't it? The nineties."

"Well, seeing as your series is on its way to being a classic," said Sanosuke, "I don't think you're one to complain."

"Hey, Sakura, I need your help in digging up these plants!" Naruto called. He walked over to her. "Can you help me out over there? Hi. Who the fuck are you two?"

"We are characters from Rurouni Kenshin," said Kenshin. "Do you know who lives in that big house over there?"

"Sarutobi the Third Hokage," said Naruto. "Why?"

"I was going to ask him directions to Tokyo," said Kenshin, "But seeing as he's a senile old man who's supposed to be dead, I needn't bother."

"Seeing as you ran into me first," said Sakura, "It now pisses me off that you never thought to ask me for directions."

"Well, you have to remember that I thought you were an old man when I first saw you," said Kenshin.

"Old doesn't necessarily mean senile," said Sakura. "And you still could have asked me once you found out that I'm not an old man."

"True," said Kenshin. "So, can you tell me the way to Tokyo?"

"I've never heard of the place," said Sakura.

"Then there was no point in asking," said Kenshin. "I'm not going to ask you a question, sir..."

"Madam," Sakura corrected.

"Madam," Kenshin continued, "If I don't think you know the answer."

"Well, you never know until you try," said Naruto. "Unless it's eggplant casserole."

"That's probably true," said Kenshin. "So, may I ask why all the ninja are working in the fields around the village instead of doing missions?"

"This is the mission," said Sakura. "We're supposed to be finding Sasuke, but that senile jackass that we have for a Third Hokage is insisting we work in this field."

"And this job in the field is such a drag," said Shikamaru. "Such a fucking drag."

"Everything's a fucking drag to you," said Naruto. "Honestly, Shikamaru, even porn's a drag for you."

"That's because it's just sex," said Shikamaru. "All the porn I watch is a bunch of hard dicks on the screen. Like a guy's never seen his own dick."

"Then try watching porn with vaginas in it," said Sakura. "Honestly, Shikamaru, you're the dumbest smart person around."

"So, how did Sarutobi survive his fight with Orochimaru?" asked Sanosuke.

"He was sick on the day of filming, so Orochimaru killed his stunt double," said Naruto. "Now we're waiting for the real guy to die."

"Unfortunately, we know his death will lead to leadership from Tsunade," said Sakura, "The thought of which is worse than the thought of leadership from Sarah Palin."

"She's dumber than Naruto," Shikamaru said without interest.

"I'm right here, dumb-ass," said Naruto.

"I'm aware that you're right there," said Shikamaru. He stood up, turned away from everyone, and unzipped his pants. "I only said that because it's true. You are an idiot, but Sarah Palin is dumber than you are."

"May I ask why you feel you can urinate in front of me?" asked Kenshin.

"Because my bladder was full," said Shikamaru as he "shook" and zipped up. "When you gotta go, you gotta go."

"I must say I have a problem with another man pissing in front of me," said Sanosuke.

"Shut up," said Shikamaru. "You're his bitch, so you're not supposed to talk."

"Seeing as I am a character from a classic manga series," said Kenshin, "You don't tell us what we are and are not supposed to do."

"A classic?" scoffed Naruto. "What series?"

"Rurouni Kenshin," said Kenshin. "That is our series."

"I've never heard of it," said Naruto.

"Well, it is a good storyline," said Kenshin, "One in which a handsome young man named Himura Kenshin (that's me, by the way) meets a hot young woman named Kamiya Kaoru, and has many adventures along the way, finding inner peace at the end and getting laid. That is why my story is a classic."

"One of his adventures is meeting me," said Sanosuke.

"You call that weak-ass story a classic," said Shikamaru. "That story's a bigger drag than this one."

"Well, that's your opinion," said Kenshin. "Do you happen to know the way to Tokyo?"

"I mean," said Shikamaru, "I've read your story. Every fucking volume. And Make Out Paradise might be the only bigger waste of time, except the advantage is that it has more pussy in it."

"Yeah, he's right," said Naruto. "I mean, your story flat out sucks more than Ino in a hentai. Can you imagine how boring our series would be if it was about what yours was about?"

"I get the point," said Kenshin. "You don't like my series, and if Naruto has never heard of it, he doesn't know anything about it."

"You just said what it was about," said Naruto, "And it sounds like it sucks. If my story was about how I lived in a dojo because I randomly ran into some piece of twat after a war, I'd put my balls in a paper shredder."

"I get it," said Kenshin with a steady rise of anger. He pulled out his sword. "You can shut the fuck up now."

"Because that would be a much less painful way to lose my manhood."

"At least I get laid at the end," were Kenshin's last words on the situation. He put his sword away and walked away. "Come, Sanosuke. These little pricks don't know the way to Tokyo."

"You should report him," said Sakura.

"Damn right I'm reporting his ass," said Naruto. "That son-of-a-bitch had the nerve to threaten me with his sword."

"It was a reversed sword," said Shikamaru. "He'd have a hard time cutting you with it."

"That bastard uses a reversed sword," said Naruto. "Wow. What a loser. I was threatened by a loser. I mean, if I used two-pointed stars, they'd put me away. No one should use inadequate weapons like that. Listen up, you two. This is between us. I mean, I can't have people knowing I was threatened by a guy with a reversed sword. Did you see him threaten me with a reversed sword? No, I saw him threaten you with a regular sword, Naruto."

Sorry if I dragged the scene out. Read, drop me a note, and I may respond.