Starting New
by EMPG22HoPe

Singing from heartache from the pain

Taking my message from the veins

Speaking my lesson from the brain

Seeing the beauty through the pain

Wherever Pansy was, destruction follows. She was the epitome of that muggle quote, "Touch me, and you'll burn." She found she liked saying those words. It wasn't out of some poetic beauty. It was a warning.

It's not like she does it on purpose. She tries her best to be better, especially after the war. But it turns out she manages to push people away more than she already does. She wants to think she deserves this.

Pansy wants to think she deserves to watch the way Draco would look at Astoria. How his eyes seemed bright, the brightest they've been in years, whenever Astoria makes a little joke on the table as she sips daintily on her wine.

She's known jealousy, of course, in its purest form—how Granger became Head Girl, and not her. And how Daphne's found a husband at last, and she was left to still manage her damaged marriage prospects. But she supposed the worst kind of jealousy was watching the man she loved find new love in her best friend's little sister. Not just her best friend's little sister, but a dear friend of hers that she's grown to protect and care for over the years.

Numbing the pain with Firewhiskey didn't help much with tolerating the little reunion of her Slytherin friends over dinner.

"Pansy."

Pansy lolled her head, feeling a tad bit tipsy. Draco towered over here, looking worried.

"Can I talk to you?" Draco asked crisply as he fidgeted with his robes.

She released a sigh before she rose from her seat, though not without taking her glass of firewhiskey with her. The sound of her friends' laughter at the table faded away as she and Draco walked out of the dining room's space and into the balcony nearby.

"You didn't even bother to greet me when you came into that blasted room." Pansy started as she took a generous sip of her firewhiskey. The alcohol burned her throat in the most pleasant way. She turned to stare at him. "Or answered my owls after we graduated a year ago…"

"You know as well as I that things have not been easy." Draco replied placidly, sliding his hands into his robes' outer pockets. "I'm sorry I didn't do or say anything for nearly a year. I know you must be anxious with what I might be feeling… you know…"

"Towards me?" Pansy asked, feeling her insecurity surface as she remembered how Draco seemed to be enthralled the whole evening talking with Astoria. "I know what this is about. I see the way you look at her."

Draco blinked, looking taken aback. "Who?"

"Greengrass." She answered plainly, tipping her glass towards the dining room where Astoria was conversing animatedly with Blaise. "I should've known. I mean, even when we came back to Hogwarts after the war, you've always had a… fondness for her."

Pansy didn't want to sound bitter, but she did. And perhaps she felt bitter inside as well. Astoria was… no, is her friend. She knew that she and Draco had broken up long before he even said the words. In fact, they've never really talked about their rather distanced relationship since the war. They've always just assumed, she supposed, that that was the end. And she supposed that gave Draco some leisure to find a place for his heart elsewhere.

The look on Draco's face was a mix between shame and apologetic. If he had looked at her with pity, she might have thrown him off the bleeding balcony for even trying. She didn't need more things to fester her insecurity towards not being better than Astoria or not being good enough.

"She gives me butterflies. And the world, it's just… a little brighter, less gloomy when she's around." Draco blurted out before he let out a relieved sigh. Then, a string of low chuckles escaped his lips before he moved to balance himself on the rails of the balcony. "I'm mad, aren't I?"

"Probably," Pansy smirked before facing towards the rails. "Why are you like this?"

"Like what?"

"Like you're trying to ask for my permission to be with Astoria." She finished, staring at him placidly.

Draco lifted his head to meet her gaze. "I never meant to… Pansy, I should have… we should have talked about it… about us."

"Well, we can talk about it now." Pansy said plainly. "Things changed during the war. You weren't yourself, I couldn't get to you, and neither of us was to blame. But I felt even then to blame myself. I didn't try hard enough to help you…"

A sudden rage filled her. Not at Draco, definitely not at Astoria, but at herself. Perhaps if she had been more persuasive, or gentler like Astoria, then maybe she could have helped Draco during and after the war.

But she was a right mess herself. A number of pains have swatted her to the bleeding ground after the war. And although she tried to build a new self of herself out of that pain, she found that perhaps she wasn't as strong enough to do it no matter how hard she tried.

"Not even Astoria could have helped me during the war." Draco shook his head. "You can't blame yourself for that. I pushed you away. I pushed the world away. You didn't deserve that."

"Neither did you."

A pregnant silence filled the night air, save for the sound of their friends' distant laughter in the dining room and the sound owls in the Greengrass garden.

Pansy realized now that they can't change what happened in the past. And although there's plenty of opportunity to alter their future now, she knew she didn't feel as strong as she did for Draco as she did back then. In the past year after their graduation, she's been finding ways to become someone entirely new, not just for her family's reputation, but also for herself.

She didn't even think much about Draco until he walked into that dining room.

"Don't hurt her." Pansy warned, glaring at him as she did so. She didn't mind to sacrifice a bit of her happiness for her friend. Merlin knows the pair needed it. "If you do, I'll kill you."

"I don't plan to." Draco smiled sadly. "I haven't even kissed her yet. Reckon I'm scared to and mess it up altogether."

"Your dating game is off, Malfoy." Pansy shook her head.

Draco drew close to her. "I know."

Without even thinking, Pansy pressed her lips to his. Every memory of Draco and their time together came to her in flashes. She pulled him close to her, and she was surprised to feel find that he was kissing her back. For a moment, she felt as though she was fifteen again. The love she felt for him then slowly resuscitated into the kiss. But as fast their lips connected, they came apart in haste.

They blinked at each other, and Pansy was certain the awkwardness will drag; but soon, they found themselves riling up in laughter.

Pansy shook her head. "That's the last time I'll ever kiss anybody."

"Don't tell me you haven't found a replacement of me?" Draco raised a brow with a smirk. "But then again, no one can replace me."

"You're so full of yourself." She laughed, feeling a bit of ease now. That bit of pain from earlier slowly subsiding. "Go get her, Malfoy."

Draco nodded, looking grateful. At least he had the decency to let her know. And at least now, she truly knew, there could never be much of them anymore. Though that didn't mean they couldn't be the best of friends again.

But she didn't mind. Her earlier jealousy morphed into pain then into something she found hard to do these days… acceptance. And with that, she wasn't so hopeless after all. If Draco could find the courage to recover—though not fully—from the war in his own way, then perhaps she could too, by starting anew.

Prompt(s):

Fanfiction Writing Month - July: 1,357 words
Pinata Club: Hard - Trio Era
Eastern Hogwarts FunFair: Ferris Wheel #1 - (song) believer by imagine dragons
Southern Hogwarts FunFair: Hedge Maze - Southern Corner: (emotion) rage
Northern Hogwarts FunFair: Kissing Booth: Easy - Pansy Parkinson w/ Draco Malfoy

Insane House Challenge

687. Event - A reunion

365 Prompts

320. Title - Starting New

Writing Club - July

Disney Challenge: Snow White; Characters - 2. Evil Queen - Alt, write about jealousy.

Showtime: Hamilton - 28. The Room Where It Happens - (emotion) Jealousy

Count Your Buttons: Dialogue - 2. "I should've known."

Lyric Alley: "Helpless" by Hamilton - I'm dying inside, as you wine and dine

Sophie's Shelf: Vault 11 - (word) Sacrifice

Em's Emporium: Spain - 1. the tapas - (event) family dinner (or dinner with close friends)

Bex's Biscuit Barrel: Flapjack - 3. [Emotion] Insecure / 4. [Dialogue] "Why are you like this?" / 6. [Harry Potter type thing] Firewhiskey

[Summer] Seasonal Challenge

Seasonal - Birthstones - Topaz - (dialogue) "He/she gives me butterflies."

Elemental - Fire Element - (quote) "Touch me, and you'll burn." - Margaret Atwood