It had grown dark before Tonks finally opened her eyes, groaning slightly as the discomfort in her ribs, where she had been hit, returned. She blinked up at the ceiling as the events of the day ran haphazardly through her mind. The confusion, the terror, all the spells - the children. They should have never been there. This should have never happened. She wondered where everyone was. Hermione lay sleeping to her left, and Ron was farther down, also in a very deep sleep, but no one else seemed to be here. That was good; no one else was injured then. Thank god.
If she was really honest with herself, the only thing clear to her about this whole thing had been Remus. He was always just on her left, running right beside her, battling off those she could not reach. They had made a good team...they were a good team. Tonks smiled fondly as she remembered the way he had looked at her, before they had set off into the Ministry. It said everything that he couldn't and she didn't know how to put words to. He cared for her, worried for her, and Tonks was angry at herself for getting hurt and making him worry. This was nothing really; she was an Auror after all. He would have to learn to live with the pain and worry...just as she as with his "condition" and she didn't mind that one bit.
Wanting to share this with him, she looked expectantly at the door of the hospital wing and not a moment later, Remus walked through it. She smiled brilliantly at him, but he did not return it. There was no small half smile on his face that she had come to love seeing. There was no gentleness in his eyes as he sat down next to her and took her hand. There was a hard, frozen terror. Something was very, very wrong.
"Remus? What is it? What's happened?"
He shook his head, wanting to pull her towards him and cry his heart out about Sirius, as well as calmly and rationally tell her that they could never see each other again, but he could do neither. Instead, he opted for silence.
"Remus - just tell me. Someone died, who was it?"
He looked at her then, the stricken look on his face cutting right into her heart. She knew. Only one person could cause Remus to loose himself like that, "How?" She managed, "Sirius was so...Aunt Bella wasn't it?"
He looked at her, surprise, mingling with his grief, "How did you -"
"I know you."
That was the breaking point for him, he buried his face into her hand that he held and she felt tears leaking through her fingers. Her own eyes welled up, more for Remus than Sirius because she knew that he would have wanted to go the way he did. Fighting and protecting Harry...but Remus. He had lost too much. This was too much. But now he had her. She could - and would - help him. She was his life line. She wasn't going anywhere.
"I'm sorry." he mumbled from somewhere near her elbow, "I just - he was - I can't - all gone and -"
"Shh... she pushed her free hand through his wavy hair, now more gray than chestnut brown, "I know. But you're not alone. You have me."
Remus shook his head from side to side, and Tonks laughed, "What do you mean no? Where am I going?"
Remus kept his head down as he added, "You can't stay. Too dangerous. Won't allow it. In too deep - won't let you."
Tonks was too shocked to speak. What was he going on about? Won't let her what? Care for him - love him? After all this time, after...everything that had gone on between them. The stolen moments they had had somehow stretched over the past year, culminating after years of a scattered and broken friendship...only to come together at the end of this year, just recently even more broken as people, but more unified as to how they felt about each other. Tonks really thought they were headed somewhere - that this had meant something. She would have never allowed it to go as far as it did if she felt it wasn't reciprocated. It was reciprocated. Somewhere along this messy and slip shot romance he had fallen in love with her. She was sure of it - and she knew she loved him. She suspected she always had, even when they were younger...well, he was younger and she was still a child. So, what was he talking about? Why in the world would she leave him? Especially now, when everything was so uncertain?
"Remus, what are you talking about?"
He raised his head then, his eyes dry, but still a bit red, "We can't do this Dora. It's too dangerous. There are too many risks."
"Do what?" She asked, perplexed.
"This." he said calmly, gesturing between the two of them, "We can't be...attached. We never should have let it happen in the first place. I knew better - I should have - I'm sorry."
"About what?" she said, a bit louder than was necessary.
"About becoming involved. At times like this it can only cause hurt. I don't want to hurt you, not like that. I want you to be happy, to move on. To live. You deserve the best of everything and with the way things are, with the way I am - I can't give you that. At all. Ever."
"Remus, what -"
He held up a hand, "I can't give you what you deserve, and if something happens to me I don't want you to waste yourself over me, when there was nothing there anyway. Do you understand? I want you to find someone worth that. I am not worth the pain. I don't want to be the cause of pain. Don't you see it's the only way?"
"You're mad you know that?" Now Tonks was angry, livid...she was furious.
"This is a bloody joke right? April fool's or something? We can't be attached? Attached - Remus, it's been a year and you don't want me to be attached? I'm way more than attached." She spat out the last word like it was burning her tongue, "I can't -after everything this year...why do you want to push me away?"
"I told you I-"
"I heard the speech, thank you very much, Professor Lupin. You don't need to baby me, or teach me. I'm a big girl, I make my own decisions and I thought I made it clear that I chose you. You seemed to have chosen me."
"That was a mistake." He said so quietly she barely heard it.
"Well - this was a real treat to wake up to, you know." she spat her hair changing from the lank brown to a fiery red in her anger.
"I'm sorry, Dora - you know I wouldn't do this if I didn't think it was the best thing for you."
"What about you? I can't see how it's good for you."
"I don't matter. I never did. I don't have anything or anyone to belong to anyway. Nothing can be good or bad if you don't have anywhere to belong."
"You have everyone in the Order. You have Dumbledore... you could belong to me Remus."
His face detailed some painful internal struggle at her last words, "If it were only that easy, Dora."
"It can be! Why do you have to ostracize yourself? Just because you're lonely and a werewolf and not all that wealthy? Big deal! You're also kind and decent and intelligent and brave and safe and loyal...and you know me. I know you. Why would you let that go? It can be good for you Remus - and for me. I love you; you have to know that by now. Why would you let that go?"
"Don't, Dora, save those words for someone who is worthy of them." His face, so lined with fatigue and aged beyond his years, was deathly pale and his usually kind, lovely soft brown eyes were red rimmed and cold. His hair, more gray now than ever, hung slightly into his eyes and his robes were charred and patched, from years of repeated use. But the material was soft and familiar to Tonks - she would never replace them.
"You are worthy of them. I want you to see that."
He shook his head, "Please don't."
She shrugged, anger, fear and resentment altering her voice, and changing her hair to a nearly sick looking green "I love you Remus - learn to live with it."
He sighed, "We can't do this anymore. I was given an assignment for the Order while you were asleep- I have to take it. I am the only one with the right...abilities...to gather information. I don't know if I'll be back."
"Underground I take it? Werewolves a part of this?" Her voice was cold despite the mounting panic in her chest at the thought of Remus in the company of such savage werewolves, those who had no desire to be human, to act like a human – to feel like a human. This was going to destroy Remus, which apparently, was what he wanted. Bloody idiot.
"How did you-"
"I know you."
He nodded, "I'm sorry Dora. If things were different – "
"Well, they're not. I'm so surprised at you, Remus. I thought you had gotten over the need to distance yourself. I thought, for once, you were going to stay. I thought…I thought a lot of things."
"And you aren't wrong in what you thought. I don't deny it, Dora. But it has to change. I mean, look at what happened to-"
Tonks cut in swiftly, "I hope Sirius comes back as a ghost and haunts you, you bloody, you stupid, you –"
Remus stood up then, out of things to say. He had said what needed to be said, and now he had to leave. She was so righteous in her indignation that the color had come back into her face. If it weren't for the present conditions he would have said that she looked beautiful…and with that last look at her he walked to the door.
Standing just outside the room, with his back to her he said, "I do love you, Dora." And then walked swiftly on, ignoring the tears and his breaking heart.
Tonks heard him and just lay there – since nothing was within her reach to throw at his retreating back. She wanted to scream at him, cry for him to come back, respond "I KNOW YOU DO YOU IDIOT! COME BLOODY BACK! I NEED YOU! YOU NEED ME! THIS IS SO STUPID!"
But she stayed silent, ignoring the tears and her breaking heart, and hoping that the shock of this would be enough to dull the pain until she was ready to fight for this again.