TOW Chandler is Dateless

AN: Hey I'm back. Well I'm back at school, so I may be able to update less regularly. Thanks to everyone who read, but please review, your input is greatly valued. I focused a bit on the girls last time, but I'm gonna try to focus on the guys this time. Please tell me, should I do a Lobster reunion, or a Rachel moving on to a Non-Friend…

Setting: This is set after the one with the Ski Trip, Ross went home, and the gang has just returned from their trip. Rachel is now over Ross. Rachel has a new friend "Rick". None of the Gang is dating…

Disclaimer: I own none of the Friends; they belong to NBC, Warner Bros. And Bright/Kauffman/Crane productions.

Chandler is in his office, on the phone, when Doug walks in, Chandler quickly shuts his computer. And Jumps up.

Doug: Bing! Where's my WENUS.

Chan: Sir, The numbers from the PORN group came in late, and I can't find the presentation on the fine foods ANUS.

Doug: (Laughs and slaps Chandlers ass) Relax Bing, The WENUS can wait, Can you come to a Party I am having with my old lady. You should bring a date.

Goes to leave

Bing, I may just be out of touch, or I may just be terrible at my job, but what's PORN.

Chan: Protected Original Ratings Network.

Opening Credits

Joey, Chandler and Monica walk into Ross' Apartment Chandler is on the phone

Ross: (Really cheerful) Hey guys what's up?

Joey: Hey man, how you holding up.

Ross: Great, better than great.

Mon: Why…

Someone comes out of the bathroom

M, J, &C: Oh my god, you

Chandler Drops the phone.

Cut to Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel and Phoebe are there.

The Phone Rings

Rach: Hello, Oh hi Rick. Yeah, yeah I'm good, Yeah coffee sounds great, you know Central perk, Okay see you then, Bye

Phoe: (Janice Like) Oh My God, He asked you out.

Rach: (Nervous) Yeah I know, but is it too fast, am I coming on too strong.

Phoe: Calm, down woman, JUST CALM DOWN. You're sounding like Monica. Besides he came onto you.

Rach: Okay, I'll act aloof.

Phoe: Aloof? Are you sure, after that whole Ross, " Being over him" extravaganza?

Rach: Yeah, I think it will work.

Phoe: Ooh Okay, this will be fun, we can go shopping.

Rach: Yay Shopping, I'll get Monica's credit card.

Cut back to Ross' apartment.

Chan: You! Ross you are joking right, please tell me you are joking, I mean oh my god, this didn't actually happen. ( Does the finger snaps like when he and the girls are looking for Christmas presents)

Ross: Hi, Guys I know, what you're thinking, but Julie was always the right girl for me, I could never have a real conversation with Rachel, I was just at the museum fixing the caveman exhibit when look who walked in, she was leading a tour of Students, and well one thing led to another, we had coffee, dinner, we talked

Julie: Hey Guys. Yes I saw my Rossie looking all depressed, so I went and cheered Him up.

Joey: I'll bet you did.

Ross: Joey!

Julie: I know how it looks, but will you please not tell Rachel just yet, I don't want to start off my relationship with Ross being bitch-slapped by Ross' spoiled ex girlfriend. But I hope you will be my friends.

Ross: And please don't let this make you think any less of us.

Chan, Mon and Joe walk out.

Chan: Okay, so let me get this straight. Ross, the dinosaur Nerd, has just dumped a beautiful woman, and within a few weeks another has thrown himself at him. Now I on the other hand, a man with a great paying job has just been rejected by 5 different women for a posh party with the head of a Wall Street conversation. Could the world BE any more unfair.

Mon: Ooh Ooh, ask me, I want to go to a party. Besides I need something to get this whole thing out of my head.

Chan: I would, but its sort of a lawn croquet game thingy.

Mon: I am awesome at Croquet, lets go, and you're taking me.

Chan: Nooo, you can't

Mon: WHY NOT
Chan: Because the last time I brought you to one of these things, you hit the president of telecommunications with a ping Pong bat.

Mon: Yeah well my shot was in and his wife was being a dumb bitch and if you don't invite me, I'm just going to turn up and thrash you all. Come on team Monica never loses, we could crush Doug and those fat cats.

Chan: His wife was a recovering alcoholic and you gave her your Margarita so in the interests of my job and my sanity, I'm going to ask Phoebe, (muttering) She has the mental capacity to control her psychopathic tendencies.

The Girls walk back into Monica's apartment. They are carrying what seems like hundreds of bags.

Rach: Tell me again, why you threw red paint over that woman.

Phoe: She was wearing fur.

Rach: She was wearing a polyester sweater!

Phoe: Well think about all those poor Poly animals that died.

Rach: Pheebs polyester comes from plastic.

Phoe: (Beat) Oh no

Chandler walks in

Chan: Hey Pheebs, can you be my date to this croquet party.

Phoe: It's going to cost you.

Chan: What?

Phoe: My usual, $500 bucks per night.

Rach (like when she heard about Phoebes secret affair with the pigeon dude): Phoebe!

Phoe: Just kidding, but you have to take me to dinner. A Fancy dinner, with funny French words on the menu.

Chan: Deal, thank you so much, I would have had to ask Janice.

They all shudder

Cut to Central Perk Julie is sitting there with the gang except Rachel. Rachel Walks in.

Joey: So I went to this bar with a rainbow sign, and the girls there were really tomboyish, but really cute.

Ross: TOMboyish?

Rachel: Oh my god, you never really loved me did you, you selfish son of a bitch.

Chandler: Holy Mary mother of god, Gunther hid the damn coffee, hide it now.

Ross gets up holds her shoulders.

Ross: Rach I…

Rachel slaps him, picks up a percolator of coffee, and pours it onto his crotch. Then she storms out.

Ross: Well that went well. ( Whimpers, him and Julie run to the bathroom)

Chan: Well children, I am off to my Lunch break. Adios. Pheebs we still on for 8.

Phoe: Yeah, see you then, Lo-ver.

Chan Leaves

Mon: So who is this Rick guy, I swear none of us ever met him. Rach was so desperate that weekend, he is probably a troll.

A guy walks in, the conversation stops.

Phoe: yummy, I could tell you the things my voices are telling me to do, but you prudes would not appreciate them.

Rick: Hi, you guys know a Rachel Green?

Cut straight to credits, no tag scene

AN: Hey so I'm finished, sorry I was so late, but if you have kept on reading, thank you so much. I need an actor to play Rick ( In your mind ), so vote on the shortlist. ( I am a guy so please help me out here). Matt Damon, Josh Duhamel, or Bruno Heller (the mentalist).

Till next time, arrivaderci!