The Thrill of the Chase
She can't handle an infant.
She's got the sleeves of her dress shirt rolled up to her elbows – a pointless move since the entire front is plastered to her chest – as she kneels in front of the tub in the upstairs bathroom. Her pants are soaked. The bun from the morning hangs down at the nape of her neck, tendrils curling wildly at her temples and cheeks. Water drops sparkle on her skin.
Chase splashes in the tub, sending more water over the edge and onto the tile.
"Careful, kid," she warns, capturing his wrists so he doesn't slap the surface of the water another time.
He's sitting in a few inches of water, holding onto an empty Tupperware container she had brought in to rinse the bubbles from his thin hair. He keeps filling the round container then dumping it out when it gets too heavy for his hands to hold onto. Not exactly the purpose she had meant it for but it kept him still enough for her to gently rub the shampoo into his hair. She's careful that the suds don't drip into his eyes, running her fingers along his temple to catch any that escape from the top of his head.
Her hands shake the entire time.
She thought she was good. She had babysat in high school, kids just as young Chase is, and they were easy. Sure, she only watched them for a few hours once a week but still.
There are a few times when Chase squirms, throwing his arms up into the air, sending water at her face, that she wants Castle here beside her. He knows how to handle infants in the bath.
"Calm down, Chase."
He giggles, placing a hand against her cheek. Her make-up has to be smeared, her hair a tangled mess, so she lets him thread his hand into her hair. With the boy distracted, Kate takes the opportunity to cup water to pour over his head.
Chase turns to blow a wet raspberry against her arm, snorting when Kate laughs. Then he butts his head against her elbow, dropping the Tupperware into the water as he snuggles.
A moment later, he grabs the bowl and tips it over the edge of the tub.
"No," Kate groans as the water splashes all over her shirt and pants even as Chase bounces on the floor of the tub. "That's not what we use this for," she tells Chase, taking the container for his little fists, setting it out of his reach.
A snap echoes in the bathroom. When she turns, Castle is in the doorway with his phone held up in front of him, grinning. As she's distracted, Chase splashes the water again and it hits her already-soaked clothing.
"I'm gonna kill you, Richard Castle," she growls, snagging a towel from the rack. "As soon as we're dried off, you're a dead man."
She drapes the towel against her side, lifting Chase up out of the tub. The boy grabs for her hair, knocking their foreheads together as he smacks a kiss against her cheek.
Another flash then Castle is gone, running down the hallway.
"You better run," she mutters. "He's dead after this, Chase. Stupid man and his gadgets." Kate folds the towel back up over Chase, rubbing his back gently as she starts back toward their bedroom. "Don't you become one of those men, okay, kid?"
Chase is pushing his nose into her neck, wet fingers slipping against her neck. Probably not listening. She turns her head as she carefully makes her way down the stairs and finds his eyes closed, lashes brushing her skin.
Strange that the boy can go for basically flooding their upstairs bathroom to quiet as a mouse as he dozes off on her shoulder. She likes him better like this.
Castle isn't to be found in the living room. Smart man considering how utterly stupid he is at times. Kate finds the diaper bag that has Chase's pajamas in them. Chase is heavy as she lays him on the couch cushions, brushing his wet hair back from his forehead. His eyes blink open, mouth turning up in a smile.
"Hey, buddy," she says, wiping down his body with the towel. Diaper in place, Kate pulls on the striped onesie. "Ready for bed?" He's already grabbing for her shirt, holding himself to her chest. "Thought so. Where's the other one?"
He's hunched over the laptop, keys clicking as his fingers fly over the keyboard in his boxers and a t-shirt, hair a mussed mess. The lights are all off and the glow of the screen makes him look ghostly.
"What're you doing?" she asks, looking for the extra blanket in the closet.
"Uploading those photos to twitter, introducing the world to my long-lost son."
She nearly fumbles Chase as she runs to the side of the bed, swatting at his fingers. "No. Castle, no."
"You ashamed of our kid?" He wraps his hand around her damp shirt, pulling her back down for a kiss. Kate barely manages to get her free hand up to support Chase's back, tipping forward, off-balance. He catches her shoulder, holding her up as he nips at her lower lip.
"Castle," she sighs, stepping back. "Seriously. Write so we can go to bed."
The laptop snaps shut. "Alexis was never this much of a deterrent as a baby. Give him to me," he says, holding empty arms out for Chase. "You go get changed."
Chase snuffles as he transfers from Kate's arms to Castle's but quiets once the latter settles him against his chest. He's talking to the boy in a soft whisper as she unbuttons the blouse, striping it off on the way to the bathroom.
Streaked make-up removed and hair untangled from little fingers, Kate returns in just her underwear. She can feel his eyes travel up her and, damn, she wishes Chase wasn't around because he's looking at her like he looked at her that first night. Like she was a treasure. She does her best to ignore his heated gaze as she gets her leggings from the dresser, one of his shirts from his drawers and pulls them on. The bed dips when she kneels on the side of the mattress, flopping onto her side so that Chase is between them.
"You're sure he won't fall off?" she asks, rubbing her thumb over Chase's chubby cheek.
Castle drops the laptop onto the bedside table, shaking his head. "He's safe as long as he stays between us. I did this with Alexis a few times with a pillow on the other side. She was always perfectly fine."
Kate scoots down under the covers, wiggling her toes against the chill of the sheets as she pulls Chase closer. Castle reaches over her, flicking the light off before placing another kiss against her temple.
"Night, Beckett."
She smiles, shifting her head to touch her lips to his before he moves to his side of the bed. "Night, Castle."
Chase whines, reaching out in the darkness of the bedroom, connecting with her arm.
"Come here, little man," Kate whispers, her voice scratchy with sleep. She finds his body under the covers and pulls him closer to her. Chase's fingers wrap around the worn-thin fabric of her t-shirt. His nose nuzzles into her chest as he sighs. "That's it. Just go back to sleep, sweet boy."
Kate sweeps her fingers down over Chase's back, holding onto his shirt. He's warm as he cuddles into her, almost too warm but she credits that to the fact she's never really held a sleeping baby so close for so long before. She brushes a soft kiss over his head, feeling his knees dig into her stomach.
"God, I wish I had a camera."
When she looks up, she sees Castle propped up on one elbow, watching her in the darkness. "Hm?"
His hand touches Chase's head, smoothing the blonde hair turned brown with the leftover water from his tub. "You ever think about having kids?"
It hits her in the gut. She can feel her mouth fall open against Chase's head. "Castle, I…"
"Just… Answer the question. Please."
"I guess. I mean, yeah. But mostly that was before Mom. After that, I didn't want to put anyone through what I went through so I never really planned for children." She finds his eyes, sees the want and love shining there. "Not even when you came into the picture."
"Wow," he murmurs, letting his head fall onto his pillow, resting on his bicep but still looking right at her. "Not even my rugged good looks could convince you to reproduce?"
She snakes her hand around Chase to smudge her fingers over his lips. "Especially with you around. I couldn't let you be a single dad again."
Castle captures her hand against his cheek. She can tell he wants to protest from the way his jaw works under her palm.
"No, Castle. You did a fantastic job with Alexis."
"She's going to grad school next year," he mutters.
Kate smiles, rubbing her thumb along his cheekbone. "Proving my point. She's such a good person and while some of that is her alone, a lot of it is how you raised her. But I can't let you do that again."
"You're gonna be okay, you know?"
"Can't know that." Chase mumbles something making Kate laugh as his lips tickle her collarbone. She squeezes his chubby ankle, stilling him. "Nothing is certain."
"Wrong." She blinks as he shakes his head, squinting her eyes at him. "We're certain. You and me."
She has to pause, let that sink in. He's sure about them. About her. Kate swallows, pushing her head into her pillow. "Still." She feels him brush a kiss over her hair. "Night."
With Chase curled into her body and Castle making sure that he doesn't roll off from the other side, Kate sighs. At least one of them is sure of something.
He wakes up when something connects with his side. Hard.
"No need for violence," he groans, trying to get back to sleep. "Just… a few more minutes."
Except it happens again and he fumbles against the bed to try and catch Kate's elbow or her fingers; whatever it is that keeps attacking him. He connects with a foot instead. It takes him a minute to remember what was going on.
Chase. The little boy that Kate brought home from that case. The one who had prompted that talk last night…
The baby starts to cry, squirming so that his arms and legs tangle with the sheets. Castle slides from the bed, taking the boy with him. He cradles Chase against him, barefeet sticking on the hardwood as he moves into the living room.
"Hey, little man," he murmurs, smoothing a hand over Chase's curling blonde hair. "You were so good last night. Mostly slept right through. That was good. Cause you know," he says, neatly avoiding the couch as he nearly stubs his toe. "Beckett's new at this baby thing even though she did fine last night."
The morning sun is peeking into the living room, barely reaching the kitchen. Chase blinks in the light anyway, hiding his face into Castle's neck.
"You hungry, Chase?" he asks, rubbing his fingers against the boy's back, holding him close. "I bet you are. I'm always hungry in the morning."
It takes a minute for him to find the diaper bag from last night. Kate stashed it near the coffee table but the formula isn't in the side pocket. Right. They put it in the fridge. With Chase balanced on his hip, Castle washes his hands before he grabs the bottle pieces from the drying rack. He grabs the container of powder, cracking it open. He scoops the formula out, dumping it into the bottle.
Chase gurgles, waving his arms toward the bottle.
Castle smiles, dropping the scoop back into the container. "Mhm. Food." He takes a bottle of water out, testing the temperature of it against the back of his hand. It's way too cold so he lets it sit on the counter next to the bottle of powdered formula. "Let's see. I'm feeling toast."
As he spins the bread loaf, Chase jerks forward, grabbing for the bag. "'oas'."
To appease the boy, he gives him one of the large magnets off the fridge. "There. Amuse yourself." He sticks the bread into the toaster. The magnet hits the ground a moment later and Chase squeals, burying his head in Castle's shoulder in fear. Castle replaces the magnet, rubbing a hand over the boy's hair.
Once the toast is buttered, Castle pours the right amount of water into the formula bottle, stopping the top so he can shake it. With one hand holding the toast and bottle, the other supporting Chase, he flops onto the couch. The arm of the couch supports his elbow as he eases Chase down enough to tip the bottle toward the infant. "Breakfast time, smart boy."
It takes some finagling so that he can feed Chase and eat his toast at the same time; it's been a while since he's done the balancing thing with an infant. His jaw cracks as he yawns, watching Chase. The boy keeps trying to grab the bottle, his fingers curled into fists that beat against Castle's hand.
"You look good with him."
He looks up, nearly upsetting the boy. Kate is leaning a shoulder on the bookshelves, one foot resting on the top of the other. Her hair, tangled from sleep, hands over one shoulder, covering the strip of skin visible from the oversized shirt. She looks tired but her smile is soft and genuine.
"Yeah?"
She nods, hooking her elbow in the opposite hand. "Yeah. Really good."
All he wants to do is go over and push her against those shelves and stumble their way back to the bedroom for sleepy sex. But he can't because Chase starts to kick, shoving the bottle away. "Done, my man?"
Kate wanders over, balancing herself on the arm of the couch, left arm braced along the back. Her hand threads through his hair. "Listen, Castle. About last night…"
"No need," he says, leaning his head back against her hand. "Not gonna push you into anything."
"Shush and listen, okay? Just this once?" She rests her chin on his shoulder, reaching around him to brush a hand over Chase's head. "I love you. And maybe, in a year or so, I'll be okay enough to have kids and not worry about them becoming like me." Before he can open his mouth, she continues. "It's irrational and stupid but I can't help it. But someday. Okay?"
"Whatever you want." With his free hand, he tugs her down for a brief, soft kiss. "Whenever you want."
Kate lifts Chase from his arms, tucking the boy against her chest before taking the bottle from Castle's hand. "Go shower. I'll take care of him for half an hour." She smiles when he only blinks, nudging him with her elbow. "Go. I got him, right, Chase?"
The boy grabs for the bottle that Kate holds just out of his reach. Totally unaware of the switch just made.
"See? We're good." As if to prove it, she lets Chase guide the bottle back to his mouth, smoothing her thumb over his little ear.
Once Castle has disappeared into the bedroom and she can hear the shower switch on, she sighs, slumping against the counter. A sliver of self-hatred sticks under her skin because he wants kids. With her. And she's the one with the baggage, the one stopping them from moving forward.
Chase regards her with half-closed eyes, fingers curled around hers. His weight in her arms is comforting instead of foreign like she thought it would be. She can do this; take care of him for twenty minutes by herself and prove to herself that she can handle a baby. Little feet kick against her wrist as he pushes the bottle away, squirming.
"Done?" she asks, setting the bottle on the counter. "Good, because I need coffee." Kate switches the coffee machine on. She finds the diaper bag with one of the burp rags, positioning it on her shoulder. She bounces Chase, patting his back as she goes to pour out coffee. The steam curls over the lip of the mug as she blows on it lightly, taking the first sip. It warms her body, bringing a level of normalcy to the morning.
Until Chase burps up some of the formula onto the rag on her shoulder. He hits his fists against her arm, starting to cry.
She has to put the mug of coffee down to wipe at Chase's mouth before she tucks him into her elbow, his watery brown eyes blinking up at her. "You're a good boy," she tells him, getting her coffee again so she can pace over to the windows. She opens the door to the balcony, toes curling against the warming red-brown tile.
The city is coming to life, the horns of cabs joining in with the blare of the river taxi. She can even hear the faint click of the heels of commuters running for the subway. Chase watches, captivated by the action, trying to lean forward to see the street.
"Nope, little man," she says, keeping her hand at his stomach as she leans back against the windows. "You're staying here. No pulling a Spiderman and swinging from building to building."
"You're a natural, you know." He's in the doorway, dressed in jeans that she know are so well-worn that they feel soft and a deep red t-shirt. He runs a hand through his damp hair, the water shaking onto her face.
She swallows the mouthful of coffee, turning her head. "No, I'm not."
"But you are. Look at you," he says, sidling in next to her so he can wrap an arm around her waist. "Balancing Chase and coffee and taking him in until a family can be found. You're so good at this."
"Castle, I'm not gonna change my mind right now…" she starts, pulling away from his side.
"Wasn't trying to. I was just commenting that if we do, that kid is going to be pretty darn lucky."
"Of course it is." She pushes up on her toe tips to smudge her lips over his jaw. "Cause they'll have you as a dad." When he only blinks at her, she tries for a real kiss, right at the corner of his mouth. "When I have kids, it's gonna be with you. Only with you."