Last Chapter: Two couples and two engagements. Both result in the same answer; no.
xoxo
Chapter 2: Nice to Meet You, I'm deformed.
Christine awoke to the sounds of bitter rain pelting the windows of her apartment that dark damp and dreary morning. Her eyes solemnly fell immediately upon the distinguished digital alarm clock that sat on a cluttered desk in the corner of her room which read '3:03 AM' in its vast bright red lettering. She groaned, throwing herself over and onto her stomach. She was upset at how early it was and wished that she could forever sleep and live in her dreams. Reality was a tremendous drag.
"Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in." Christine muttered into the pillow, recalling that one line from the song on the radio last night; the one line that seemed to be haunting her… even in her dreams.
She burst into tears at the reality of the words. Our friendship is definitely over now. He won't want to be my friend now... what will I do? Raoul had been her best friend for as long as she could remember... losing him was like losing a leg or an important limb. She honestly and truly did love him... but not enough to offer her hand in marriage. She couldn't explain it… but she just felt there was something more in life; that there were still options and doors waiting to be opened. Was it wrong to feel this way?
"Was I wrong to have said no?" she whispered as more tears continued to caress her cheeks and the pillow.
Her dad had once told her, that in this world, there was always someone to complete them. She would then ask him the obvious question. Did mommy complete you? He would give a deep masculine laugh and say 'yes'. That laugh would then fade into a slight crease, and then a frown as sorrow took hold of his handsome face.
For the longest while, she had never understood why her father would retreat to his bedroom after she had asked him that.
"Are you ok Daddy?" her soft voice called from outside his locked bedroom doorway. She had tried the handle a few times, but alas, it was locked. She would usually just sit down in front of the door till her father came out; which was usually hours… even days.
As she grew older, she learned to hold her tongue and never speak of her mother…
But for some unknown reason, Christine felt that Raoul just wasn't the one to complete her... yet she loved him. Emotions and feelings were complicated. She could have sworn that Grade 12 calculus1 was easier than deciphering one's heart.
Christine sat up and decided she might as well get up. "I'm not going to be able to sleep again." she muttered as she dragged herself into her messy bedroom closet that was spilling forwards with clothing, and picked out a pair of jeans and a light blue pullover.
For once she actually wished she had work or school that Saturday morning. It would distract her mind and not let it wander to things she'd rather not think about.
She turned as she heard the pitter patter of small feet enter her opened door bedroom.
"Hi Mr. Jube." she said softly to the small orange and white kitty that sauntered into the room and was now rubbing himself against her legs. Mr. Jube was her nickname for the orange cat named Angus.
She finished getting dressed and finally picked the small kitty up, much to his delight. She rubbed her face against his, before burying her face in his fur and breathing in the scent of him.
"I wish my life were as simple as yours..." she sighed as she looked into his round and bright happy yellow eyes.
The cat began to purr in response.
She set the cat down and walked to the front door with Angus following her. She turned to him and gently told him, "I'm going for a walk Mr. Jube. Love you baby." she blew a kiss to the kitty whose wide eyes looked up at her with adoration and oblivion.
As she left into the morning, the winds caressed her face, almost whispering to her. 'Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in.'
The bitter words of contempt haunted her. Yet, she had not the faintest idea that perhaps those few words had more meaning than an 'I love you' ever would.
xoxo
Erik stared at the ceiling in anger, misery and most of all, self loathing. He couldn't believe he had let himself believe that he could find love… true love. Every woman asked for the same thing in the end. He thought Monique would be different from all the rest, but boy had he been wrong.
"She did deserve to know." He reasoned with only himself and the walls. "But she shouldn't have pushed it…" he sighed, anger filling his inner being. He couldn't decide who was right or wrong anymore and what to do.
Erik sat up and glanced at the Grandfather clock in the corner of the den. He groaned at the time when it read '2:59 AM'. He knew he wouldn't be able to sleep anymore. How could he when his thoughts and heart were consumed with complete and utter misery?
"Dear God..." he muttered as he stood on wobbly feet and looked out the blinds and could see the rain falling dismally from the blackened skies.
The skies fit his mood to the bill.
He turned, and leaned against the bar that was connected to the kitchen. He closed his eyes against the sharp loud noise as a few wine glasses shattered on the kitchen floor on the other side of the half wall when his elbow accidentally knocked them.
Not even bothering to grab a glass or to even clean up the mess, he grabbed a bottle of vodka nearest to him, and just raised it to his mouth, accepting the liquid most graciously
He never even noticed the sting or strange taste of the vodka, just appreciating the way it made him feel as it consumed him.
Monique just came to mind, causing him to keep drinking more and more. Eventually he gave into his abject, sobs wracking his body as the bottle slipped from his grasp and shattered on the hard wood floor.
"It's my fault." He whispered his masked side and non masked side going into the palms of his hands. "I forced her away." He looked up and out the window into the cold night, considering his options.
'Say Goodbye to the world you thought you lived in.' whispered those few words he hated more than anything in the world right now.
He needed out of here. He couldn't stand being in this house being consumed and reminded of her or anyone else. He needed to just be free and be alone.
He made his way to the master bedroom, taking off his tie and nicely tailored clothing he had bought just for the proposal. He paid no heed as he dropped his articles of clothing along the way. I'll deal with it later. He thought as he put on a simple pair of black pants and a long sleeved cotton black shirt on. He then made his way to the front entrance and put on his leather trench coat and walked out the door, not sure what in God's name he was doing anymore.
xoxo
Christine walked bare foot through the sands of the wet beach2 at three thirty in the morning.3 She could feel the sand clinging to the bottom of her pair of jeans and the water soaking her brown curls and clothing. But she didn't care. She didn't give a damn about anything anymore.
She let the rain that was coming down in thick heavy sheets, embrace at her cold trembling body. So heavy was the rain, she felt like she was actually swimming.
She sighed in frustration as she tried to wipe away thoughts of Raoul, but just couldn't. She wanted to talk to him so badly, yet she just wanted to run away and dig herself a hole and hide at the same time. She was pent up with conflicting emotions about everything... and could swear it was going to tear her apart.
She barely even noticed as her tears began to intermingle with the raindrops as she was too caught up in her distraught thoughts.
Looking up at the dark skies, she felt relief wash over her as it was Saturday, her day off from her part time job as a waitress at a singing club and from school. She worked at this singing club part time to pay for her universities4 besides the loans she had received from the Government5. Basically all she did was serve drinks and food and sing on the stage every so often. For the most part, she enjoyed her job. It didn't hurt either though, that she was friends with her boss, Tom.
Raoul use to come and visit and listen... Her thoughts reminded her dismally, causing more tears to trek down her cheek and her body to judder ever so slightly.
She pushed him from her mind again as she thought of her schooling. She was in her fourth year of university going for her bachelor's degree in journalism6. She had high hopes of one day being a journalist for the New York Times or for any big named News Paper7. Her love for journalism began when she was a little kid. She smiled slightly, as she recalled how she use to make her dad drive past car accidents or any other kind of accident and then go home and write about it in her pink journal. That caused her to inwardly chuckle.
"You can do anything you want Christine, sweetheart. The world is in the palm of your hands. Just promise me you'll never give up on your dreams. Promise me you'll dream on." her father had repeatedly told her that throughout her childhood. And she had always tried to make her dad proud by doing exactly what she wanted; being a journalist.
Her thoughts turned dismal once again as she recalled the day of his death. For years her father had lived with Cancer. He spent quite a bit of his time in the hospital while Christine lived with her Aunt Grace because her mother had passed away after she had given birth to her. Her and her father both knew his day was coming, and he didn't want to die in the hospital. He wanted to die in the apartment he lived in with his daughter. He had some papers signed and was soon released and went home. A few weeks later he had a stroke in the middle of the night and that was the fateful end of a sad tale.
Christine, an orphan girl at the tender age of eleven, went to live with her Aunt Grace. Although she dearly loved her Aunt, she missed her dad so much, she went into a deep depression where she refused to eat and slept most of the time and her grades began to slip, along with her health.
Of course her Aunt Grace had tried putting her through counseling, but that did not work. In fact it made Christine even worse. But as Christine aged into a young woman, she discovered just how much she enjoyed music. Mostly because when you got involved, it took away the pain. She had begged her Aunt to let her go to a music school and her Aunt feeling pity for the young thing, obliged. She began to become more experienced over the years, playing a lot of Beethoven's work, up till the days of Aero Smith. Then she discovered singing. And that become her newest obsession.
She always figured that if her journalist career didn't go far, she could rely on her music; if her journalist career didn't go far. She didn't plan on letting that happen.
xoxo
Erik pulled the clutch as he parked his black Saturn Sky8 in the empty parking lot of the nearest beach to his home9 and sat there for a few moments, just staring out the window at the merciless black sky, to which the rain was falling heavily from.
He didn't really know where he was or why he was there. He just drove. He refused to walk, not allowing himself to be out in public where people could ridicule him. He looked at the clock in his car. If anyone is even out. But this was New York; there were always people round and about.
He felt lonely and depressed. But he wasn't too shocked. He'd felt that way his whole life. No one had ever been there for him. No one had ever given him love or given him the chance to love them. Everyone stayed away from him as soon as they saw the white mask that seemed to be molded into Erik's face. He couldn't help but feel lonely... he was after all, only human. And humans depend and thrive on other human being's company. That was just reality.
When he was a little boy at the small age of four, his mother abandoned him on the doorstep of a random house, not being able to handle her… well, special child. He had no father at this time either, because when his father had found out Erik's mom was pregnant, he immediately disappeared without a word or trace. He was lucky that the doorstep he landed on happened to be a fairly old woman who was just as lonely as he was.
Her name was Lilliana. Lilliana was a widow whose children had stopped visiting her over the years. She had no one to talk to... so when she discovered this bundle of tears, she immediately felt compassion and took this baby into her house and raised him. Being the true Catholic that she was, she tried to ignore his outer flaws and love him like he was any normal child.
Don't get him wrong... he loved Lilliana, but like a son loved a mother. He didn't want a mother. He wanted a woman to love him for whom he was and never leave him. He wanted a wife. He had thought he had found that with Monique…
"Obviously not." He muttered.
Memories of Church and Prep passed through his mind as he thought of his mother once more.
"Church is to give you a reason in life Erik. Without God, you will always feel there is nothing. Now that I've given you someone to believe in, you'll never feel insecure about anything. It gives you purpose... and I think everyone needs purpose in life, no matter how much they deny it." Lilliana explained to young Erik the day before he was to be confirmed a Catholic.
"But why would God do this to me?" Erik pointed to his masked face, swallowing his tears.
"Everyone has their crosses to bear Erik. That is yours. Just remember that the day you're judged, you won't be judged by how you look... but by your actions in life and by your heart." she said softly, patting his chest where his heart beat.
"But death is so far away... till then, I want to feel the joys of love like any other. How can anyone ever bear to love me?" he voiced his one ultimate fear.
"Love looks not with the eyes Erik, but with the mind."
Erik put his face in his hands and sighed bitterly. Those words could not possibly be true.
Since the day those words had been spoken and Erik felt he would never actually find love, he decided the best way to avenge his lack of love due to his hideous corpse like face, was to build him up and make himself a business tycoon. He started off by studying his ass of in high school to gain scholarships for college. His mother Lilliana helped by paying for some of it with the money she had been given from her husband's death. Meanwhile, he took a few loans from the Government10.
During this time, he made quite a bit of money by tutoring students -who didn't mind being around him- in music. He taught them how to read notes and play the piano. He refused to get a part time job at a restaurant or department store. He didn't like all the strange people, the uniforms that had to be worn, and he felt it was to beneath him.
Once college ended, he went into university.11 This was where he earned his bachelor of business administration degree. After university was over, he began buying and selling stocks and then buying certain business corporations. This was where all the money began to pour in. All he really used the money for, was to build himself a nice home for him and his mother and buy expensive things. But all the money in the world couldn't buy him the one thing he truly wanted.
He could always recall one thing Lilliana would say.
"Erik, you should be giving this money to charities or to Churches. Spend it on noble causes. That is one happiness in life, which you'll never cease to tire of."
He would then always tell her that he was going to one day, but he just never got around to it. And he figured he probably never would. He had decided the first day she said that, that when God gave him something genuine and pure of love -that was not from an animal or a plant-, he would believe in God, go to Church again (actually pay attention) and donate to noble causes. Till then, his heart would remain frozen to the world. No love Lilliana ever gave him would change his mind on that either.
A tear rolled down Erik's marred face as he thought of his crummy existence. Some days he wished he could just end his pathetic existence and find a cliff. But then he would remember Lilliana and what Lilliana had said about suicide being a mortal sin. And normally he wouldn't care because it was religion, but he just couldn't do it.
"I thought money and power would make me happy..." Erik muttered, tears just rolling downwards. "Oh who am I kidding? All I want is love from a woman." he cried. He cried for a few more minutes, his heart yearning for love from another…
… That is, till he saw something strange. "What in God's name?" he said to himself as he saw the figure of a woman standing in the middle of the beach.
He squinted his eyes and pushed the key back into the ignition, and turned the car on. He flicked on the wipers, and leaned forwards, trying to get a better view.
There, standing in the middle of the beach, was a woman. Her arms were lifted and she stared off distantly into the raging sea as the rain grew stronger, the black clouds dispensing it.
Erik threw open his door, not knowing what on Earth he was doing, and shut it behind him before walking towards the dark figure when he saw how she moved closer to the water as the tide seemed to come in. He worried at first, what her intentions were, causing him to pick up his pace and break into a brisk walk.
He began to see more of a better view of the young girl as he neared closer. He was shocked at first at the obvious beauty this girl radiated. Despite being sopping wet, her face was alabaster like with pouty lips and sharp sapphire blue eyes that he felt he could lose himself in. She had long tendrils of curly brown hair that hung limply around her face and down her back. And he could see from how wet her clothing was -as it was clinging to her- that she had one of the most beautiful figures. Nicely sized breasts and delicious curves… she was the ideal woman.
He scolded himself when he realized where his thoughts were going. He should not think that way of her, as she would probably be repulsed. And no woman would ever compare to Monique… his Monique.
He sighed as he realized she wasn't doing what he thought she may be doing. She's not suicidal. Probably just drunk. She just stood there; her feet planted firmly in the soft sand as the bits of the tide seeped in, covering her feet and the bottom of her jeans, before washing away.
He was about to turn away and walk away; when he noticed how blood shot her eyes were against the dark night.
"Crappy night too?" he asked from behind her, wondering what she would do when she saw him. Guess I'll find out.
The girl turned and looked at him and he was expecting a scream or horror to light up in her eyes before she went running away. But she did neither, much to his shock and relief.
Christine's eyes raked over Erik at first. The first thing she noticed was the mask and was a little put out by it at first, but decided she didn't care. She knew that whatever was under it probably wasn't great and wasn't going to prod… but telling from the other side of his face -that was not obscured by a mask- that he would have been a very attractive man if not for the mask. She had to admit though that he was already quite handsome, despite the mask. He was tall with midnight black hair hanging wetly over his face and mask and he had a five o' clock shadow. He was dressed quite immaculately and she could tell immediately that he was wealthy.
"How did you ever guess?" she laughed slightly, pretending that she had no worries whatsoever.
He'll leave eventually. She thought. She wondered why she wasn't uncomfortable by him. Normally if any man came up to her, especially at this time… she would be panicking and trying to leave. Instead, she felt an unusual sense of calm encompass her as he made small talk with her.
"Well, standing on the beach bear12 foot in the pouring rain at three thirty in the morning kind of tipped me off." he chuckled, keeping his distance from her.
Christine smiled slightly, before responding, "I guess you can say life isn't favoring me at this current moment."
"Well don't worry, life isn't favoring me either. It never is." Erik replied honestly, staring off into the restless seas13 as he thought once more of Monique.
"You want to talk about it?" she asked, looking into his skeptical eyes. "Sometimes it helps to tell a stranger. I don't know you or your life, so I'm not biased."
Erik looked at her for a few moments, figuring out in his mind, what to say. He wasn't exactly sure why, but he didn't mind being completely honest to this stranger who stood before him. He had nothing to lose, and she seemed genuinely nice... but then everyone did these days. The most sinful and wicked always seemed perfect at first.
"I'm deformed." he responded. He figured if he told her now, she'd never ask him to remove his mask and that would be the end of it. It wasn't like he had anything to lose... she was a stranger after all. The chances of them seeing each other after this morning were next to nothing.
"I'm deformed on the inside." she replied succinctly. She did not meet his eyes, but stared distantly at the dark sky.
Erik looked at her in curiosity. She seemed different from everyone else... in a good way.
"Did that catch you off guard?" she laughed slightly as she turned and saw his expression.
"You're not like anyone I've met before... that's for sure."
"Is that good or bad?" she asked.
"It is good." he responded before asking, "So what troubles really bring you here?"
She looked up at him and he saw a tear fall from her eye. For some reason he actually felt the need to wipe it away. He was kind of shocked by how he was feeling. He normally hated anything social and people in general, yet here he stood, talking to a woman in the morning, in the pouring rain. Would make an interesting novel. He thought as he stared at her.
"My boyfriend proposed to me tonight." she whispered softly her voice carrying a soft pained tone.
"Oh," he spoke, waiting for her to continue.
"I-I told him no."
He paused. "Is there any particular reason?" he gently prodded.
"I-I honestly don't know anymore... I mean I feel like I love him... shouldn't I want to say yes? But for some reason... I-I just couldn't. I feel like such a horrible person! If you could have seen the look on his face... never have I felt so horrible before! I don't know how I'm going to live with myself." Christine began to cry as she opened her heart to the masked man.
He paused, collecting his thoughts as he thought of what to say. He realized he wasn't far off from her predicament at all. "I know I'm not experienced in the department of dating and love... but if you really loved this man, you wouldn't have even paused to take even a breath. You would have just known it was the right thing." she looked up at him for a moment. "Maybe you don't really love him." He commented softly.
Christine looked at Erik's silhouette in the darkness and let his words wash over her. She didn't want to admit it, but his words had a point. Maybe she really didn't love Raoul... but he was like her security blanket; she couldn't lose him.
'Say Goodbye to the world you thought you lived in.' the recurring whisper stated. Perhaps everything was changing?
"I've told you my problem, now it's your turn." Christine whispered as she looked at him, deciding she didn't want to say anything more. She felt funny and miserable all at once… if that were possible.
He realized she didn't want to talk about it and dropped it, not caring. "I've always been alone in life... and well a few years ago, I finally met someone and we fell in love. My plan was to propose to her tonight... and I did." Erik started, looking into Christine's eyes.
Christine stared at him, feeling strangely connected to the stranger. They seem to have had similar, yet very different lives.
"She told me no." he sighed wistfully and miserably.
Christine waited. She couldn't explain why... but she felt like she had known him for a much longer time. Despite just meeting him today, no thoughts of him maybe just using her even remotely ran through her head.
"She told me she loved me... but it led to the mask."
"I take it she knows about your 'problem'?" Christine said softly.
"I've never told her what it is under here... she's never asked. I figured she probably knew there was something wrong with me. But tonight she asked me to remove it... and I couldn't."
"Do you not want to take your mask off because you're afraid of rejection? Or is this something else?" Erik didn't respond. "Maybe you don't love her as much as you think you do. When you love someone, you accept them and forget about their flaws. You also let them know everything about you... because you care about them more so then yourself." She commented, her wide eyes just searching him.
More tears fell from Erik's eyes at Christine's words, but he brushed them away.
The rain just continued to fall, and they stood there, staring at the harsh and bitter seas as waves pounded against the rocks, the rain hitting them heavily. Everything felt… surreal.
Silence filled the air for a moment, as the two considered their advice given from the other... both admitted that the other had a point... even if they didn't exactly want to admit that.
Suddenly a huge crack of thunder filled the skies and the rain grew heavier. Christine flinched as she saw lightning illuminate the skies for a brief second. When the lightning had passed, she began to count the seconds.
Erik's face creased as he began to finally notice just how wet he was. And to top it off, there was lighting brewing too. He had to admit though; God really knew how to set the mood.
"Come, we should leave14. The weather is already dreadful and we'll probably be sick in a few days now." He looked at her. "You didn't walk here did you?"
"Sort of..." she said sheepishly, looking down at her wet feet and then at the wet sneakers she held in her hands.
He scratched the back of his head, feeling awkward. "Do you live far?"
Christine blushed.
"Well you can stay at my place… I have an extra room…" he didn't want to sound to forward.
She just smiled, and nodded.
Thoughts of I don't even know this man, why would I follow him? Or what if this is a ruse for him to do something more... even remotely passed through her mind. She just followed him and did not argue as she climbed into his car.
"Wow, t-this is a nice car!" Christine exclaimed, looking around at the black leather interior inside. She was in total awe. This man must be rich15. The car even smelt like brand new leather!
Erik chuckled at her reaction and turned and pulled a neatly folded up blanket off from the floor at Christine's feet and gave it to her when he saw her shivering. He then turned on the heater and turned the dial up full blast.
"Oh, t-thank you." her teeth chattered as she unfolded the blanket and spread it out on top of her, covering every bear part of her.
Erik smiled and backed out of the parking lot. He turned the radio on and they drove along in silence, just letting the recent events and the music wash over them and forgetting about reality. Reality would have a field day if she knew that Christine had just got into the car of a random stranger... with a mask on his face.
What am I doing? Christine thought. I'm going to a stranger's home that I just met! I don't even know his name! She looked at Erik and studied him for a few moments... and for some odd reason; she didn't feel frightened at all. In fact, she felt at peace around this man.
She smiled.
Perhaps those words had more of an impact that she had given them credit for. "Say Goodbye to the world you thought you lived in." she whispered as she looked over at him.