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Chapter 2 - Honey why you crying?
Have you ever had one of those moments that just refuse to leave your mind? Those horrible moments that your subconscious clings too despite constant pleas of mercy coming from your sanity.
Those moments that seep into your every waking moment attempting to drag you down into the murky waters of depression and self pity.
Those moments that become you.
A sudden whiff of whiskey filled her nostrils and her eyes fluttered open to the sound of Julian's snoring.
She tried to remember if she could place him coming home but she couldn't, she had been out cold. Looking over at the clock she noted that the time was 4:32, and judging by the clothing and shoes Julian still adorned he hadn't been home long.
His heavy leg was stretched over hers entrapping her to the bed.
Brooke tried to free herself for a moment but fell back on her pillow, her exhaustion winning over her will.
The pants he wore were itchy and she grimaced wondering how he ever got away with buying a synthetic fabric with her around.
Her pretty features were overpowered by a look of anguish as his hand swung over landing on her stomach slightly pulling up her shirt. His hand on her bare, smooth skin sending a tingle up her spine that was less than enjoyable.
She wanted to push him away but she lay paralyzed, succumbing to the invisible force holding her down, ignoring her cries for help, cries for an end. All that came in return was a distant voice telling her she deserved this, it was her fault.
Allowing her eyes to shift over to his sleeping body she gazed into the face she now feared the most.
Fear, she hated it. Hated being controlled by anything let alone an emotion.
Emotions are powerful, they can become you, taking over the day to day activities from your brain in exchange for it being numb to the world. Numb to the pain, and disaster that come along with emotion.
But those are the worst kind of days, the day's you are living on auto course; only smiling and speaking at the appropriate moments otherwise living only in spirit.
But you can never numb the pain can you? Even when you go to the dentist and they freeze your mouth before working you still feel it, still feel the jabs and pokes at your well being. And sooner or later the novocaine wears off and you're left with a throbbing pain that refuses to go away. Just like in life, delaying the pain is only delaying the inevitable.
The inevitable torture that comes along with life, because life sucks and then you die after all.
She just never thought she would have to live whilst dead.
She breathes in, the memories flow in.
She breaths out, they're still there.
She breaths in, she can't escape.
She breaths out, there is no use.
She's stuck, just like she is currently trapped beneath Julian she's trapped beneath the memories.
Trapped beneath the emotions.
"Fuck this endless circle," she thought, "I can't fucking do this anymore."
But it wasn't her decision, it was up to that subconscious and it's cruel reign.
She wasn't about to sit back and let it win though, that wasn't her style.
Armed with the determination to move on that she found every so often, which usually left her in a matter of minutes, she pushed Julian off of her. After making sure he was still deep in his alcohol induced slumber she crept out of bed and grabbed her phone from the dresser.
She could only think of one thing to do, one person to call, her instinct making the decision for her.
Walking into the bathroom and shutting the door behind her she held her breath as she dialled and let a helpless smile when she heard a voice on the other end.
"Hi," she said her voice brimmed with desperation.
---
Have you ever noticed that the memories you expect to remember, the proms, graduations, weddings and child births, are never the ones that you hold on to. They are not the memories that you can recall on cue as real as if they were happening right now.
It's the first time your daughter says 'dada', the last embraces of true love, and most of all the moments that everything changed that you refuse to let go of.
The ticking of the clock served Lucas a constant reminder of how fast his life was passing by.
He could still taste the sweat from that first one on one game with Nathan, still taste the blood from his cheap shot that night. It seemed like it had happened yesterday, like all the confusion of the years since had been a dream. And yet it seemed like another lifetime ago, like it was a different person who won that night.
A completely different person.
Sometimes he wondered if he were too ask the boy he was back then what he thought of the man he was now, would he approve?
Most of the time he thought he would, solely on the reasoning that he did in fact marry Peyton Sawyer. But that Lucas had also thought he was in love with Peyton back then.
That's how he was regarding Peyton in those days; he ignored the bad simply because it was Peyton.
Peyton, she was his dream then. Like a lust ,never ending, that plagued at his heart winning every battle over reason, convincing him he knew he loved her, that he knew her.
But that Lucas knew nothing, and come to think of it, neither did this Lucas.
He was still sitting up waiting for her at 4:32am, still waiting for his long ago dream that was meant to come true already.
It was meant to be over, her and him forever. But lately it was him and Anna, not that he was really complaining, Anna showed him what love really is.
Love is supposed to be unconditional, no matter how many times you screw up you're supposed to be able to work through it, to get past it… or he would at least settle to talk about it.
Pushing everything under the rug only seems good at the time, after a while it seems like a lifetimes worth of problems were mounted on his back.
And it's only so long before a person collapses.
He just now noticed the incessant tapping of his foot in time with the ticking of the clock and realized just how insane he was going waiting. He had never been one to wait, and it felt like this stage of his life was coming way too soon. This wasn't supposed to happen for another 14 years when he will wait up for Anna to come home from a date.
But this was his wife. He was supposed to be worried senseless, not angry; he knew she was ok though, she was just out having her fun. So that left him with being angry.
He just didn't expect to be more angry at himself than he was at her.
A ring of the phone caused him to jump and officially ended his pity party.
He answered the phone a tone of bitterness in his voice, fully expecting it to be Peyton; who else would call at this hour?
"Hey."
---
Do you know those moments where your future is shaped? Those moments where you make the all too crucial decisions that determine not only your priorities but your direction.
Those moments that you can never leave behind.
His fingers trailed a line up her spine making her toes, and every other part of her body, come alive with feeling. The soft touch of his lips on her shoulder blades making her go completely numb wherever he kissed her.
She groaned as he wrapped his arms around her, his fingertips slightly tickling her exposed navel.
His breath on the back of her neck played like a song she knew by heart and she anticipated every beat, pausing to savour the tingle it sent straight to her heart.
She spun around, making she didn't leave the home she called his arms, and let her lips dangle a few inches from his. She could taste his tongue already, as it was a flavour she knew all too well, a flavour that would never leave her.
Grabbing his hands in hers she held both against her chest as she moved in to kiss him, crushing her lips onto his, making sure for once, she was in control.
He obliged to her every command, happily letting her lips and tongue explore the mouth she knew as if for the first time. All the while holding his hands close to her chest, letting him take in every beat of her heart.
She bit his bottom lip before forcing herself to pull away slightly and slowly breathing out, "I've missed you."
Her lips went to land back on his anticipating the wet feel of them all over again, but instead she was taken aback when he suddenly pulled away. His eyes suddenly melting from euphoria to despair.
"Nathan?" she asked tentatively, wanting and answer and not wanting one at the same time. Fearing that he would say he didn't miss her… that he didn't want her anymore.
He just sighed in reply and she automatically pulled the covers over her wanting to hide not only from Nathan but from the embarrassment she was overcome by.
"You try having a child and see how attractive you still look," she spat at him in an attempt to disguise the feelings of hurt slowly replacing the love she had felt just moments ago.
"God, Haley, it's not that," he said his hands encasing his face, "it's not that."
"Than what is it Nathan? Why don't you want to be with me anymore?"
"I know you can never be happy with me."
"What makes you say that?" I asked shocked by his confession.
"Because you're not who you once were anymore…"
Her lips went to protest but the words weren't coming out, they were stuck beneath the layers of confusion and heart break. She closed my eyes to try to stop the oncoming tears and when she opened them Nathan was gone. The space he had occupied only seconds beforehand now just a wrinkled spot in the bed spread.
She felt her hands groping at the now empty bed as if trying to pull him out of thin air, her every fibre willing him to appear. But he didn't, instead she heard a distant voice calling for her.
She didn't know who it was, all she knew is she wanted them to go away h, to leave her alone like everyone else had, and she called out so much to the intruder.
But the calls kept coming, and they only grew louder.
---
Haley's eyes snapped open at the sound of her voice, her heart still beating with an uncontrollable wildness. Pulling back the sheets she took in just how sweaty her clothes were as they clung to her skin.
Pushing back thoughts of her dream she pulled herself towards the voice that was searching for her blind to her surroundings.
Walking into the living room she gaped as smiled in greeting, "Hi."
What happens when dreams end, and you're left only with bitter memories?