Besarki: I have to say, the reviews for this story are just flat-out hilarious. You probably don't mean to, but you all manage to make me laugh really, really hard. So, keep it up. :) Anyway, it's timeeeeeee for chapterrrrrr TWOOOOOOOO! ...After a ridiculously long author's note. I swear, I'm going to keep these long ass things to an absolute minimum, but do read them as they are, in most cases, important.
Upped the rating (because of minor swearing) just to be safe.
The parts in italics are commentary by Anna, Tamao, and Jeanne that occurs before the episode ends. THIS IS RARE! It is very unusual for them to talk before the episode ends. However, if something irresistible pops up, then, well expect to see them.
The KZB Shaman Files spells Konchi's Kokurri Cupid Tamao name with a C, so Conty. In the actual Shaman King timeline, Konchi's name was spelled with both a C and a K (Conchi/Konchi), usually just depending on who was translating or the volume number. I prefer the K, because it just seems more like a name for a fox, crazy perverted or not. So, in this story, Tamao-chan's fox familiar will be Konty instead of Conty. There will be no change in Tamao-chan's tanuki familiar's name, Ponty.
Oh, and Smart Angel asked a very good question: "I'm wondering... Will you show Tamao and Anna's competition to get Yoh's heart, who in the show will probably be just this really nice guy with no clue they are in love with him? And will Horo-Horo and Ren and Lyserg also appear?"
Answer: HELLS YEAH YOH WILL APPEAR AND BE AS CLUELESS AS ALWAYS! And come on, how could I not put the competition in? :D Horohoro, Lyserg, and Ren I'm not so sure about. We'll see if I can fit them into Kokkuri Angels, though all three of them most definitely appear in The Leopard's Meow.
Anyway, my funny bone ain't working particularly well this week, so this chapter is kinda lame by my standards, but meh. What can you do? Half-assed attempt at humor it is. ^-^;
Kokkuri Angels: Episode 1
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Episode 1: Stop That Pompadour!
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The day started off as any other. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and Kokkuri Angel Cupid Tamao-chan was relaxing in her meadow hideout with her partners Ponty and Konty. The world was at peace as Tamao-chan lay smiling pleasantly in her huge bean bag chair which threatened to grow teeth and gobble her up--
Anna snorted. "Wouldn't that be convenient?"
Beside her, Tamao glared.
"I think she meant 'ironic,'" Jeanne interjected.
Anna shook her head. "No, I meant convenient." At which Tamao countered with an even more baleful glare.
"Why do you suddenly hate me so much?"
Anna just smiled sweetly.
"Why you--"
"Shhh!" Jeanne hushed them. "You're missing the show."
Konty sighed at something Ponty had just said (something the three women watching missed completely).
"Ah, what a beautiful day!" Tamao-chan chimed, laughing and smiling hugely.
Simultaneously, Ponty and Konty both knocked on the wooden table on which their chest board sat.
Tamao-chan frowned. "Why did you do that?"
"The last time you said something like that--" Ponty began.
"--A huge tornado came through and ripped half of the treehouse off. Ponty and I just finished repairing it a week ago," Konty finished, moving his pawn (AN: Besarki doesn't know how to play chess so this is all guesswork).
"Oh..." Tamao-chan mumbled. "So you mean, I can't say anything bad in a sense that it wouldn't happen because then it would inevitably happen and if it happened, it happening would happen to be bad, correct?"
Ponty and Konty exchanged confused glances.
"Did you understand a single word she just said?" Ponty asked.
Konty shook his head. "Not. A. Single. One."
Tamao-chan frowned frustratedly. "Let me give you an example: If I were to say, At least nothing bad is happening today--"
"BREAKING NEWS!!" The television screamed. "THE EVIL PEDERAST, LOLITA MAJIN IS TERRORIZING DOWNTOWN!"
Ponty and Konty growled at the magical girl.
"Yeah," Ponty snarled, "that would happen."
XXOMGMYBFFJILLXX
"MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!" The evil dengenerate known as Lolita Majin, or, the evil pedobear, RYU-SAN laughed evilly. "Fear me, for I shall steal all your children and use them to power my super death ray of death! BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Did I mention death?! BWA!"
"Not today, evil-doer!" A squeaky voice echoed from the distance.
Ryu-san whirled. "What squeaky-toy-sounding person dares defy me?!"
"I do!" The spectacularly amazing and don't forget amazingly beautiful and just all around wonderful, KOKKURI ANGEL CUPID TAMAO-CHAN burst from around the corner!
Lolita Majin gasped. "Oh no! Not you!"
"Yes! It is I! Fear my powers of love and hearts and pretty flowers and lollipops and bunny rabbits and monkey's paws and red fire hydrants and school buses and words ending in j and caroling lumberjacks and--"
"OKAY, I got it. You're way powerful, BUT--" A humongous grin broke out across his face, "--NOT EVEN YOU CAN STOP ME NOW, NOW THAT I HAVE A NEW SECRET WEAPON!"
Grinning madly, the villainous Ryu-san ripped a shining microphone out from his coat pocket.
Tamao-chan gasped. "Oh no!"
Konty wailed, "It can't be!"
Ponty screamed, "Anything but that!"
"BWAHAHAHAHAHA! That's right my overly cutesy opposers! I now wield the power of ridiculous teenaged popstars, and not even you can stop me now! MUHAHAHAHA! TURN UP THE JUICE! READY?!" Ryu-san held the microphone directly in front of his mouth, took a deep breath, and sang, "EVERYBODY MAKES MISTAKES! EVERYBODY HAS THOSE DAYS! AWW, YEAH! EVERYBODY KNOWS WHAT, WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! EVERYBODY GETS THAT WAY! THAT'S RIGHT! EVERYBODY MAKES MISTAKES! UH HUH! EVERYBODY HAS THOSE DAYS! EVERYBODY KNOWS WHAT, WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! EVERYBODY GETS THAT WAY! YEAH!"
"Noooooooooo!" Tamao-chan screamed, falling to her knees, and grasping desperately at her ears, though knowing full-well that it was all in vain as Lolita Majin's pompadour was gelled with a special new haircare which rendered Tamao-chan's abilities useless and intensified his evil powers by nine-thousand times the evil. In short, the evil Ryu-san was nothing short of invincible to this poor magical girl. "I CAN'T...FIGHT...THE MUSIC!" Unable to speak another word, she collapsed, screaming.
Ponty and Konty yowled in horrible agony, seconds away from keeling over, themselves.
"Where could Lolita Majin have possibly gained such terrific horrible power?!" They screamed in desperation, unaware of his new hair gel. Suddenly, and without any real reason, both Ponty and Konty burst into technicolor flames.
Grinning like a maniac, Ryu-san sang even louder, "IF I'M NOT DOING TOO WELL, WHY BE SO HARD ON MYSELF?! NOBODY'S PERFECT! I GOTTA WORK IT! AGAIN AND AGAIN TILL I GET IT RIGHT! NOBODY'S PERFECT! YOU LIVE AND YOU LEARN IT! AND IF I MESS IT UP SOMETIMES, NOBODY'S PERFECT!!!"
At the very moment that Ryu-san finished his song, the sky opened up and hundreds of flaming meteorites rained down from the sky, smashing into buildings and people alike.
Lolita Majin raised his great pompadour to the heavens and laughed oh-so-evilly. "CAN NO ONE STOP MY MIGHT?! HAHAHAHAHAAAAA!"
The populace screamed, rushing for some kind of shelter, though more from the music than the meteorites. Heck, when you live in Japan and have good ol' Godzilla rampaging around your neighborhood every few days, meteorites are nothing. Nothing.
"STOP!" A mighty voice rang out.
Lolita Majin turned to see an odd bare-chested man in a white overcoat, a bizarre mask, super short shorts, shiny blue boots, and a ridiculous cowboy hat staring back at him.
The crowd went immediately silent as they took in this sight. Abruptly, someone gasped, and loosed a great girly scream. "OH MY GOD! IT'S TUXEDO MASK!"
The man frowned, the straps of his mask flowing in the wind. "Um, no."
The pedestrian's face fell. "Oh...THEN WE'RE STILL DOOMED!" The screaming picked back up again almost instantaneously as the throngs of terrified city-goers fled from every direction.
Seeing the resurrected chaos, Lolita Majin's face lit right back up. "MUHAHAHAHA! You think you can stop me, puny man?" He demanded.
The masked man offered no answer. Instead, he merely pointed his gun straight at the evil pederast. He smiled and uttered a quiet, "Feel the power," and fired.
Lolita Majin screamed as he was impacted with a semi-magical-though-obviously-non-lethal-because-duh-this-is-a-kids-show bullet. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground, gripping the spot where the bullet pierced his strangely-pigmented skin. As he fell helpless to the ground, the creepy man raised his gun and fired a second bullet--into his pompadour, splitting it into two pieces for an unexplainable reason.
Ryu-san gasped as his beloved "do" was cleaved in half. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!"
The man chuckled once. "I'm oh-so-conveniently aware that your pompadour is your power center. I have disrupted it, and therefore your attack has been nullified." He smirked, a short laugh leaking through his dramatic display. "Ha. Damn, I'm awesome."
Tearing, Lolita Majin touched his hair. He paused when he came into contact with something...sticky? "What is...?"
"All my bullets are dipped in liquid kryptonite," His enemy explained.
"...What's that supposed to do?"
"Are you related to Superman?" The masked man asked with a smile.
"No."
"Then not a damn thing," He replied, his confident smile still in place.
Ryu-san stared at the man, unsure as to whether to be confused or just plain weirded out.
"Ohhhh, my aching head," The spectacular Tamao-chan groaned, awakening from her beauty sleep. She peered around curiously, glancing at all the destruction. "...What happened?"
Ryu-san gasped. "It can't be! You're alive?!"
"I am...? Oh, I mean, yes, yes I am! Cause I'm Kokkuri Angel Cupid TAMAO-CHAAAAAAAAAAAN! And Iiiii'm--OW! WHO THREW THAT MICROPHONE?!"
Ryu-san stood in front of her, whistling conspicuously.
"It was YOU!" Tamao-chan shrieked.
Ryu-san quickly shook his head. "No it wasn't! Look, my microphone is right here!" He said, pointing to his empty palm.
Tamao-chan's eyes widened. "You can turn your microphone invisible?!"
"PBBBTHHHH!" Anna laughed. "And I thought you couldn't possibly be any dumber!"
Steam rolled out Tamao's ears.
"Girls, it's 3:54. The show's almost over. Keep it together for five more minutes."
Ryu-san shook his fist. "You and your masked ally may have defeated me this time, Tamao-chan, but I swear, I'll be back! AND NEXT TIME, YOU WON'T BE SO LUCKY! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" His laughter still echoing through the air, the villainous Lolita Majin suddenly disappeared in a rising cloud of grey smoke.
"Darn! He got away!" Tamao-chan pouted. She paused and her frown slipped into a deeper grimace. "Wait, my masked ally?" She asked, turning around. She suddenly screamed when she saw the masked cowboy-esque figure standing on the debris of one of the destroyed buildings.
The man tipped his hat slightly. "Until next time, Kokkuri Angel Cupid Tomato-chan."
The masked man struck a dramatic pose, then immediately turned around and fled the scene, leaving Tamao-chan standing there with her jaw dropped and her eyes full of tears.
"But...my name is Tamao-chan. I'm...I'm...KOKKURI ANGEL CUPID TAMAO-CHAAAAAAAAN!!!!!"
STAY TUNED FOR SCENES FROM THE NEXT EXCITING EPISODE!
"Or not," Anna said, clicking off the television.
"Didn't you like it, Anna?" Jeanne asked, chuckling.
"Are you serious? There were points where I had to fight to keep my eyes open," She lamented. "It held no logic, no plot, the characters had no depth. Jeanne, it was terrible."
Jeanne smiled. "Oh come now. It wasn't that bad."
Anna shot her a weird look. "I could literally feel my brain cells dying. Who the hell writes this crap? I mean, seriously, it was bad enough with just Tamao and her spirit-whore familiars, but then they brought in Marco McCreepy? Unnecessary. Oh, and let me say that Ryu makes an awful villian."
"Truthfully, the first time I saw Ryu-san (AN: The actual Ryu, not the KACTC character), I thought he was a little on the...strange side."
"You also thought I was a demon incarnate."
"That's because you are, Anna," Tamao interjected.
"You know what, Tamao, just because you're a bitch doesn't mean everyone else has to be."
Tamao stared at her, incredulously. "Are you kidding me?! Look who's calling the kettle black!"
"Did something happen between you two?" Jeanne asked suspiciously. "I don't remember you two being at each other's throats like this before..."
Anna crossed her arms and stuck her nose in the air. "I really don't want to talk about it."
Tamao crossed her arms as well, though she didn't speak a word.
Jeanne glanced at both of them, then frowned. "Well...okay, but remember to be here next week, too. The guide on the television says that you're in the next episode, Anna."
Anna snorted. "Good, then we don't have to endure another episode of the 'Spectacular Tamao-chan!' Again, who writes this shit anyway?"
Jeanne checked the guide once more. "Huh. Doesn't say."
"I bet it's Tamao," Anna laughed. "I mean, who else would call Tamao spectacular?" She snickered, almost literally feeling the growing hatred rolling off her companion.
Tamao sneered. "I hope you get hit by a train."
Anna just winked, a wicked smile clear on her mischievous face.
Besarki: Ho ho, is this a plot bunny I see? Why yes, yes it is...okay, to be brutally honest, the commentary is just so much funnier if I can have Anna being a total bitch to Tamao. Back during the actual series, it was obvious that she tolerated Tamao, but didn't care for some of her antics. Now, someone (Probably Tamao, cause I really don't like her) has done something which has caused a rift AND ALLOWED BESARKI TO USE SOME AMUSING CONVERSATIONS! :D However, I am claiming creative license, because Takei didn't really show Anna's personality in the future besides the fact that she hasn't changed all that much and it's perfectly laudable to believe that she may act like this if she's mad. Keep in mind that she does pull the bitch card on more than one occasion. ^-^ Now, see, I have met only see one person who doesn't like Anna, but an assload who hate Tamao (I being one of them. She's just a useless character, even though she's more "human" personality-wise than most of them. If I wanted human, I wouldn't be reading SHAMAN KING! DUH!) And so, no one minds some relentless Tamao-bashing via Anna, do they? :D
"PBBBTHHHH!" is the sound you make when you laugh through closed lips, in case you'd never seen that one before. Most of you probably have, but I figured I might as well put this here anyway.
Also, Anna provided me with an interesting idea. Would you eventually like to have each of them write an episode? That has the possibility to be hilarious. XD
Did you like the new divider? Since this is a crack fic, I figured it ought to have cracky dividers. Next chapter, I'm using XXLOLWHUTXX XD
Tuxedo Mask: I'm pretty sure that's the guy from Sailor Moon. I've seen virtually four episodes of that show, so yeah, don't know much about it.
Superman: I'm not really sure why I put this in. Even I thought it seemed stupid. Meh, makes Marco look like a moron so maybe it's beneficial after all.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the aforementioned characters, or any that I missed or chose not to mention. There will be no OCs in this story. All characters belong to their respective owners. Same goes for Ryu's music.
Kokkuri Angels: Cast of Characters (First Appearance in Parentheses): Tamao-chan (Episode 1), Ponty and Konty (Episode 1), Lolita Majin/Ryu-san (Episode 1), Masked Megane-sama/Marco-sama (Episode 1), Anna-san (Episode 2), Mae and Ushiro (Episode 2), Jeanne-sama (Episode 3), Coshamash (Episode 3), Yoh-kun (Episode 5, 6, or 7), Others to be decided.
That's the current plan. To be updated later. Virtually anyone can appear in The Leopard's Meow, which has nothing to do with Kokkuri Angels so honorifics may be used from time to time. Speaking of which, here's The Leopard's Meow. I'm not really happy with this one at all. To be honest, I had to write four completely different stories out (one of which in full) before I finally ended up with one that was at least presentable. My first one was with Chocolove and Ren, the second was Chocolove and Hana, and then I just gave up and went back to Chocolove and Horohoro. Blah. What can you do? Maybe I'll fix them up and use them later...
The Leopard's Meow: Chapter 2: The Hole Just Gets Deeper and Deeper
Horohoro sighed. One would think that a guy would come to realize that his jokes sucked when he had to glue his audience's butt to the chair in order to listen to him. One would also think that Horohoro's luck would have been a little better by now. But alas, some things never change.
"Okay, okay," Chocolove grinned. "So I was watching TV last night and I heard some really good ones! You're gonna love these! Hang on, I wrote them down," He said, reaching into his bag for his notepad. "Oh, and don't even think about running away this time!"
From his captive position, Horohoro growled, "Not a problem."
After a moment, the jokester located his notepad and yanked it out of his bag. "AH HA!" He exclaimed. His eyes ran over it, and then he immediately shoved it back into his bag. "Okay, here goes!"
The American rattled off about three jokes that earned nothing but glares and facepalms from his audience. However, unlike last time, right from the get-go, it was painfully obvious Chocolove had a theme today. Though, given his current location, it might not have been the best theme to run with...
"No? Don't like that one? How about this: "What do you call a blonde with a half a brain? Gifted! HAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Horohoro sighed. "Kororo," He summoned. A moment later, Kororo materialized on his shoulder.
"Kuru?" The tiny nature spirit once known as Damuko squeaked.
"Sorry for dragging you out here. Chocolove's jokes are just too painful to endure alone."
"Kkuru!" She agreed with a smile.
"A blonde's house was on fire. She called 911 and started screaming, "Help me, please! My house is burning! Hurry!"
The operator said, "Okay, calm down and we'll be there soon. How do we get to your house?"
The blonde answered, "Duh, in that big red truck!" Get it? He was actually asking for directions and, and s-she said, wahahahaha!"
Does he really think these are funny?
As if to answer his question, Chocolove loosed two more really bad blonde jokes and then some random one about electrons or something.
Horohoro was beginning to wonder if he should ask Yoh for lessons on sleeping with one's eyes open, or maybe that filter technique that turns everything that doesn't have to do with important shaman stuff, his family, or oranges into the quiet drone of background noise. Yeah, that'd be nice.
"Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks!"
The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks!"
The third blonde said, "No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!'" They where still arguing ten minutes later when a train hit them."
I can't believe this idiot is actually amused by these! I mean, for crying out loud, they're all just...oh god.
"What goes stop, go, stop, go, stop, go? ...A blonde at a flashing red light!
Suddenly, both Horohoro's and Kororo's eyes grew wide and horrified. Chocolove mistook their expressions for interest.
Well, it's about time! "A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair shop. The repairman, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have a wee bit of fun. So he told her that all she had to was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out. After 15 minutes of this, the blonde's blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing. "I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's not really working."
"Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!""
Horohoro and Kororo rapidly waved their arms back in forth in a desperate struggle for him to stop. He didn't.
"A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are crossing an enchanted bridge in Magical Fairyland when they run into a fairy. The fairy says that they can be granted a transformation if they jump off the bridge and call out their wish. The brunette immediately jumps off the bridge and yells "Eagle!" She turns into a beautiful bird of prey and flies away. The redhead jumps off the bridge and yells out "Salmon!" She turns into a gorgeous shimmering salmon and swims upstream. The blonde is at this point so excited that she jumps off the bridge without thinking of her wish. She panics.
"Crap!""
Horohoro was now making a multitude of hand gestures begging Chocolove to cease. For the second time, he didn't get it.
A blonde's redhead friend decides to show her a neat way to trick people -- you put your hand on a wall and ask someone to punch it. But before they do, you pull your hand away!
"That is a neat trick," Thinks the blonde, and tries desperately to remember it, but isn't all too successful. Despite this, she decides to try it out on her blonde friend.
"Okay," she says, "I'm going to put my hand in front of my face..." " He finished, his joke and burst into loud guffaws, unfortunately, seconds after he finished said joke, he felt a soft jabbing at his back. Confused, he casually turned his entire body around...
To find a very angry looking Anna, her long blond hair hanging loosely around her face...