Chapter 2.

Narrator: Koyomi Araragi

Servant: Archer

Day: 1

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"I do not have a name. I'm a heroic spirit who lost his name before becoming a counter-guardian for the Moon Cell. We are in the Moon Cell right now. It is an ancient super-computer that is located on the moon as it observes and records humanity. Mages discovered the Moon Cell in 2032—not knowing enough about humanity, it decided to allow them into the cell. The Moon Cell is now simulating a Holy Grail War through a system called Serial Phantasm or SERAPH—but in previous iterations, it was tournament-style—not only that, but the motivation was for mages to earn the right to use the Moon Cell, much like the Holy Grail was coveted and sought after on Earth—all to gain a wish. To save humanity and let us prosper."

Archer gets comfortable.

"That is, I have the littlest clue as to the reason why the Moon Cell is simulating the Holy Grail War as a battle royale as mages did back in the 19th and 20th century. Nor do I really have a clue as to why it summoned you from an alternate timeline. I didn't even know that to be possible."

That's a lot of information to process but I think I just might have gotten the gist of what he said.

That said, "Does this random info-dump have to take place right here and now?!"

"Is there any better time for this to take place?"

Now that I think about it, I believe I have partaken in similar scenarios before…

"But that time it was Shinobu…"

"Just don't let the steam get to your head, and you'll absorb everything I say like a sponge. I have faith in you."

I don't need your faith! I just need Shinobu!

Hmmm…

"Why didn't I summon Shinobu as a servant, I wonder?"

I mean, it would make sense, since I am already her master in another world… I think, as I get comfortable in the hot water.

"I know not who you are referring to, but whoever it is, has to be dead and had to have committed a heroic act of sorts. Of course, heroic spirits can be summoned from all different times, just as long as they have a proper catalyst, and I also don't know the restrictions that may be placed since you come from an alternate dimension. At any rate, likely the reason you summoned me was because your catalyst was a reproduction of the original it was based on. That sword of yours. I have created over a thousand blades, but none of them are 'original', therefore, that was a suitable enough catalyst to summon me into the Archer class."

"Is that so? But really… couldn't we talk about this at any other place? Like, not a public hot spring."

"Are you uncomfortable, Master?"

"I am not too sure about how you worded that…"

"But is this not a time to strengthen our bond?"

"That line only works in eroges!"

"But how do you know that this isn't an eroge?"

"If this is the type of eroge I was summoned into to then I hope I'm just the side character who disappears into the background and never gets laid!"

"Is there something wrong with my body?"

"Now you're doing it on purpose!"

Although I have to admit, this man does have impressive abdominal muscles, that even I, a vampire, am jealous of!

Archer clears his throat.

"Is that so? Well then, maybe I should get out."

Really? Great! Now I feel guilty for making him leave!

"Just forget I said anything, Japanese people like ourselves live for baths—I'm blowing things out of proportion." I nervously comment.

"No, it is not that, Master. It seems we have company."

"Huh?"

I hear feet running, no, stomping before I look up and behind.

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"CANNONBALL!"

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An excessively loud screech, accompanied by a large splash—sandwiched in there were magical beams of light that conveniently blocked my vision—as a nude girl around my age just jumped into the pool like a 5-year-old would at a friend's birthday party.

Unfortunately for me, its those types of girls who are typically the most dangerous, so I take instant precaution and swim to the other side of the pool before I have time to get shocked… and more importantly, slapped like an anime protagonist.

The girl breaks through the surface of the water and gasps for air.

She has short, brown hair and brown eyes and her body is probably enough to rival my girlfriend's, however nowhere close to rivaling Hanekawa's perfect form.

That's when she noticed us.

"AGGH! What are you perverts trying to do?! You came here first to ambush me, didn't you?!"

It seems like a nut fell down from the tree…

"That's it! Surrender to me now, or else I will crush you with my Berserker!"

And she's a tyrant!

"And what are you doing showing yourselves to me, nude!"

"You're one to talk!"

"You dare defy me?! I'll have you know I have the strongest, most powerfullest servant anyone can ever imagine at the tip of my fingers, so I would choose your words carefully."

Archer gets out of the water, nude—causing the girl to quickly look away in blush.

"What do you think you're doing, pervert! Although, you do have a great bod..."

Now she's lusting after him?!

Archer's clothes materialize along with his weapons.

"Berserker's master, I would have you know well that this is a safe zone for all masters. This hot spring is to recover mana and recover from injuries during the day, and if two servants begin to fight here, then .PH will forcibly break it up. That said, I could eliminate you right now before that happens, so answer me when I ask; where is your servant?"

The girl flashed a face of terror before it became serious.

"My Berserker is materialized right now, but he is in the room right now, watching over me. Don't try it, because he'll cleave you in half."

"Trust me, I know how vicious that beast is from how he chased me down last night. But I was also handicapped—so I am nowhere near as powerless as I was back then. Don't underestimate me."

Her face then contorts.

"He is not a beast! He's a man! He's human just like all of us! For people to constantly call him a beast—no one can possibly understand what he went through!"

But she didn't get offended for her sake, but on her servant's behalf.

"You're going to get called a beast if that's the side you ever show of yourself—don't take it too personally." Archer's stern face contorts into a subtle grin. "Is your servant going to show himself, or what?"

"Huh. What, are you nervous that you can't see your opponent servant. That's right, if you try anything on me, you'll get cleaved in half before .PH can intervene."

"Is that so? Then your servant must be an Assassin, as he's concealed his presence beyond even the faintest of detection."

The girl looks down.

"How was I supposed to know Servants can detect each other's presences?!" She mumbled.

"You didn't bring your servant in with you, did you?" I asked.

Silence.

"…I left him outside…" The girl mumbled again. "He's in charge of making sure no one else comes in…"

That's what you worried about?! Also, is this treating him like a man and not a guard dog?!

"Should I eliminate her now, Master?"

"Don't kill her, Archer!" I shouted. "Let's, us three, have a little talk together—shall we?"

"Don't go easy on me or else I'll make you eat those words!"

"You want me to kill you?!" I exclaim—my eyes trailing down to see two of her command spells right above her chest. I pretended not to notice to avoid any unnecessary predicaments.

Yet, with eyes like a falcon, she noticed that I noticed.

"What, looking at a girl's body isn't and shouldn't be shameful by any means."

"You were looking at my command spells, weren't you? I don't blame you.'

I was surprised that she didn't misunderstand—it was almost as if her overreacting before was just that—overreacting. I have a feeling this girl's imagination is filled with nothing but anime and manga clichés but doesn't take them seriously herself.

That and she was probably getting defensive having been in this compromising position.

"My berserker ran into quite the compromising position after we attacked you yesterday. That Assassin was incredibly strong and we needed to get away quickly—I panicked and I used a command spell in a hurry." She relaxes as if confident she's no longer in danger. "I'm telling you this in exchange for saving my life, but don't expect anything more from me. Just beware of that Assassin, if you're not careful, he'll rip you to shreds before you can blink. I'm lucky my Berserker has an incredible defense stat, but I swear I'll get him back next time!"

An Assassin that's possibly stronger than a Berserker… or perhaps it just got it off guard? In a fair fight, who would win, I wonder?

"My Berserker of course!"

I ponder how much bias may or may not be in that statement before I give up entirely. The opportunity arising, something that has been weighing on my mind has finally made its way to my tongue.

"Hey."

"What?" She responds.

"Would you mind telling me your name?"

"Hm? I came from another timeline apparently so you wouldn't know my name… so I guess that's okay. My name is Haruhi Suzumiya. You better not forget that!"

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... Master ... Servant

... ? ... Saber: ...?

Araragi Koyomi... Archer: Nameless

... ? ... Lancer: Cú Chulainn

... ? ... Caster: ?

... ? ... Rider: ?

Haruhi Suzumiya... Berserker: ?

... ? ... Assassin: ?