Author's Note: I do not own FMA or its characters. This fic was inspired by the odd combination of West Wing, You've Got Mail, and a fanfic called Mail List Madness, none of which are mine. AU. Spoilers for chpt. 57 & 58.
Chaos Theory
To: AmongtheFlames
From: BirdofPrey
Subject: Fair Warning
Let me start by being honest. I was signed up for this by a group of well meaning friends, who are currently hiding from my wrath, as a birthday present. I am not looking for a romance. However, a decent conversational partner is always welcomed, especially since I'm currently ignoring most of my friends. As per the rules of this farce, I will not give out any information that can be used to directly identify me for the first month. That is if you're still interested.
Perri Falcon (yes, that is a pseudonym)
Who needs enemies when you have friends?
To: BirdofPrey
From: AmongtheFlames
Subject: Re: Fair Warning
I know the feeling. My best friend signed me up for this as a way to "keep me out of trouble". Those are his words, not mine. He seems to think I'll get in less trouble with online dating than dating in reality. Of course, this is also the man convinced that I need to "find a good wife and settle down". Anyway, I also value conversation and in that spirit am quite willing to continue, as you put it, this farce.
Taisa Kaji (also a pseudonym)
Real friends stab you in the front. – Oscar Wilde
To: AmongtheFlames
From: BirdofPrey
Subject: Getting to Know You
So you've left me to start this exchange. That's fine by me. Chivalry is all and well, but I prefer respect any day. To tell the truth, I'm not really interesting. I have military training, but I'm not currently an active member. I just finished getting my university degree at the end of winter term. I was a double major, history and literature, with a minor in political science. I know, I have no life. Other than that, I enjoy reading and drawing. I'm not a terribly good artist, but there's something soothing about drawing. That's about it. The ball is in your court now.
Perri
"Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something." – Last words of Pancho Villa
To: BirdofPrey
From: AmongtheFlames
Subject: Re: Getting to Know You
So, it's my turn now? Let's see, I also have military experience, and like you, I am no longer active. I've had my degree for awhile, but then I finished early, so I really can't twit you about having no life. I majored in political science with a minor in chemistry. Yes, I know it's a weird combination. I enjoy music, especially classical. My friends would have said that until recently my hobby was dating women. I enjoy a good book every now and then, but I don't often have time to just read. So what kind of book do you like to read? I've always been fond of poetry. I'll admit I try never to miss The Writer's Almanac and the poem of the day on the radio. Any more, that's my stand in for reading. When I have the time to read, I like historical novels, mysteries, science fiction, and political journalism.
Taisa
"There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written or badly written." – Oscar Wilde
To: AmongtheFlames
From: BirdofPrey
Subject: Books and Other Interests
I love The Writer's Almanac. There is something incredibly soothing about that man's voice. I like a plot with romance. I tend to lean towards mysteries and historical fiction, but fantasy's not bad either. I have to admit that I'm a sucker for happy endings. They may not happen enough in real life, but there's no excuse for a book not to have them. I really don't care how much angst the characters have to go through as long as they get their happy end. I'm fond of music as well, but I have a very low tolerance for rap, hip-hop, and heavy metal. Did you ever take a class on political satire? That was one of my favorites. Political humor is one of my favorites.
You will make some new friends today. One of them will be on some sort of "sacred quest", which will make a good ice-breaker. ("So...what's with the coconuts?") – Daily Humorscope
To: BirdofPrey
From: AmongtheFlames
Subject: Life in General
I swear I'm surrounded by idiots. Lovable idiots, but still idiots. Of course, I probably should have expected that. After all, I do work in politics. I had that class too. Sometimes I wonder if I have a better appreciation of it because I work in politics. Well, I'm currently working on one of the campaigns for president. In light of the rules, I won't tell you which one. I have to admit, I really enjoy it. My best friend is running the campaign, and I known most of the other staff for awhile. It's like one big family. Actually, I get along better with them than I do with most of my own family. I have three older sisters, but I'm only close to one of them. I actually spent most of my childhood living with one of my teachers.
Come and see the violence inherent in the system. Help! Help! I'm being repressed! – Monty Python and the Holy Grail
To: AmongtheFlames
From: BirdofPrey
Subject: Re: Life in General
Sad to say, I'm very out of touch with politics right now. A friend of mine is working on one of the election campaigns, but she's too busy to talk much. I don't even know whose campaign she's working on. Hell, I don't even know who's running right now. You're lucky to have a job you enjoy. Mine's both boring and exhausting, but it pays the bills, and I don't have the energy go job hunting right now. I don't have the energy to really do much more than work and relax on the weekends. The job is that draining. My apartment isn't really put together right now. Actually, my apartment is mostly in boxes. The sad thing is that I've been living here for about three months.
I can understand about not being close to your biological family. I spent my childhood living with my father, who was a scholar, and his student, who was a few years older than me. I have a pair of half brothers, but I haven't had much contact with my mother's family since she left Dad, and I refused to leave him too. What little there was wasn't positive, except for my grandfather. Dad was an orphan. He died when I was sixteen. I don't really have many close friends, and none of them live here in Eastern. I mean, I have people I get together with, and who signed me up for this thing, but I'm not really close to them.
There are times when we're dirt broke and hungry and freezing, and I ask myself, "Why the hell am I still living here?" Then they call, and I remember – Rent
To: IHaveAWrenchAndIAmNotAfraidToUseIt
From: BirdofPrey
Subject: It's Been a While
Hey Win. How's the new job? I know it's not what you were planning on, but is it okay? Anyway, nothing much has happened here. The only thing new is I've got an internet pen pal. Say hi to the boys for me.
Riza
God creates dinosaurs. God destroys dinosaurs. God creates man. Man destroys God. Man creates dinosaurs. – Dr. Ian Malcolm
Dinosaurs eat man. Woman inherits the earth. – Dr. Ellie Sattler
To: BirdofPrey
From: IHaveAWrenchAndIAmNotAfraidToUseIt
Subject: Re: It's Been a While
Riza,
Hey, it's been forever. I love my job. It has its downsides, believe me, but I'm really enjoying it. Besides, someone has to keep an eye on the idiot boys. Last week they nearly burned down the building. Come visit Central. We'd love to see you, and I'd bet we could get you to join the campaign. You have got to get away from that job of yours. I swear it's turning you into a zombie.
Winry
Sinners may reform, but stupid is forever.
To: BirdofPrey
From: AmongtheFlames
Subject: Work
I assume from your statements that your job is not the one you've always wanted. Or is it the job you thought you wanted, but reality didn't match what you expected? That's what happened to me. The job I have now has its headaches, but I think it's worth it. I've been lucky to stay so close to my friends. Or at least most of my friends. There's one girl who I've lost track of. She was one of my closest friends growing up, and I miss having her around.
Thirteen short bearded men will invade your living quarters soon, eat all your food, and drag you off on an ill-advised adventure, much to the amusement of an elderly gentleman of your acquaintance. – Daily Humorscope
To: AmongtheFlames
From: BirdofPrey
Subject: Re: Work
My problem is I don't really know what I want to do. I liked school well enough, and while the military was a good fit for me, I saw too many things in my short time there that made me question what was actually going on. I never really had some grand goal for my life or dream career. My job is a good enough job. The working environment could be better though. It's just nothing that I'm really thrilled to be doing. I kind of think I always expected to be working with someone and that would be what made the job worth while. I don't know. I really tired, and none of this is really coming out right. I've just acquired a puppy it seems. One of my co-workers found him abandoned on the way to work. Our boss threatened to have him put down if he stayed at the office, and since no one else has an apartment that allows pets, I took him home. I'm not sure if I'll keep him, or if I'll try to find another home for him.
Virginia: I've gone crazy. How can I be talking to a dog?
Prince Wendell: Bark!
Virginia: Yes, I have. Don't try to reassure me.
To: BirdofPrey
From: AmongtheFlames
Subject: Dogs
I like dogs. They're loyal. My opinion is you should keep the puppy. But you don't have to listen to me. I'll still like you. I'd tell you to come work for me, it doesn't pay as much as the private sector but the company's great, but that would violate the rules. Anyway, take some time for yourself if you need to. Don't let your job take over your life. Once the month long, no personal details rule is over, I'll tell you about how I ended working with a pair of these guys. It's really great story.
Left Ear: This dude got dogs. I don't do dogs... I had a real bad experience, man.
Charlie Croker: What happened?
Left Ear: I had. A bad. Experience. Damn it. I'M deaf.
To: AmongtheFlames
From: BirdofPrey
Subject: Re: Dogs
I named the puppy. I guess it's official that I'm keeping it now. I'll hold on to the rain check for that story. It sounds interesting. Besides, the rule expires in two weeks. Hard to believe we've been at this for so long, huh?
Doc: I don't care if the turkey said the dog was a turkey! The dog is not the turkey! The turkey's the turkey, you turkey!
To: AmongtheFlames
From: ElysiaIsTooCute
Subject: Meeting
Roy, you have a strategy session in ten minutes. Get off the computer. Yes, I know you're there. Come on, we've got a primary to win.
Maes
To: BirdofPrey
From: AmongtheFlames
Subject: Future
You evil woman. What did you the name the puppy? So, one of my friends claims that I'm always stealing his girlfriends. I'm really not, at least, not on purpose. Is it my fault that they meet me and then afterwards dump him? My friends seem to think I can't take a relationship with a woman seriously. That's not exactly true. It's just I have yet to meet a woman with whom I could take a relationship with seriously. I want what my few married friends have, a full partner. I've yet to find someone who can be that. Well, that's not exactly true. I have met one person. However, I didn't realize it at the time, and I haven't seen her since we were teenagers.
People ask me what my next grand scheme will be, but what I want is something simple: a family. You know, I notice that people often ask women if they want children. They don't ask do you want a family, but do you want children. What's the point of having children if you don't want a family? Sorry, some people at a meeting today got me thinking, and then my best friend went and shoved pictures of his daughter in my face, so the subject's been on my mind. It just kind of poured out here.
Stitch: This is my family. I found it, all on my own. It's little, and broken, but still good. Yeah, still good.
To: AmongtheFlames
From: BirdofPrey
Subject: Re: Future
The puppy's name is Black Hayate. He's really quite cute, even if he does need quite a bit of training. I have a tattoo. I know you're thinking, "So what? Lots of people have tattoos." It's just that most people who know me would be astonished to find out I have one. Not that anyone knows. It's not exactly an ordinary tattoo either. It takes up my entire upper back. This is going to sound silly, I know. I told you my father was a scholar and had a student. About two months after my father's death, I came across the result of all their work and research together. That's what's tattooed on my back. It's kind of a promise to myself. A reminder that they're still with me somehow. I haven't seen my father's student since the funeral. I can understand what you're trying to say about marriage and family. It's one of the reasons I don't date. I have only met one man who could accept me just as I am as a partner, and that was my father's student. Not that we ever really had a romantic relationship, but the potential was there. That's one of the reasons, I enjoy this so much. You treat me the same he did, at least in emails. I've never actually met you, so I can make the claim I've met two men who have treated me such.
Diane Barrows: That can't eat, can't sleep, reach for the stars over the fence, World Series kind of love.
To: BirdofPrey
From: AmongtheFlames
Subject: Frustration
Sorry, I haven't meant to ignore you. Lately, things have been heating up at work. The last debate before the primary is coming up, and we've got a problem. It's a really close race, and according to the data we have, we could win a lot of votes if our candidate was a little more like his opponent. The problem is the opponent comes off as incredibly genial, and our guy invariably comes off as arrogant. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know I was still alive.
Teal'c: Appearances may be deceiving.
Jack O'Neill: One man's ceiling is another man's floor.
Daniel: A fool's paradise is a wise man's hell.
Jack O'Neill: Never run with... scissors?
To: AmongtheFlames
From: BirdofPrey
Subject: Re: Frustration
You know, you can always use people's assumptions. If people expect you to be arrogant, then don't bother trying not to be. Use your arrogance to make your point. Don't let the other campaign dictate how your candidate will act; that's just asking for trouble. You guys can do this. Game on. (How was that for a pep talk?)
"All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed." -- Sean O'Casey
To: BirdofPrey
From: IHaveAWrenchAndIAmNotAfraidToUseIt
Subject: Job
Please don't kill me, Riza. I set up a job interview for you with the campaign staff. I really think you'd be good at this job, and I think you would enjoy it. Give it a chance. The interview is May 11th. Someone from the campaign will pick up at Central station at 4 p.m. Attire is casual, but a little dressy.
Winry
To: IHaveAWrenchAndIAmNotAfraidToUseIt
From: BirdofPrey
Subject: Re: Job
I'll do it, Win. Mostly because a friend of mine's been encouraging me to take some time for my self and not let my job burn me out. I'll see you then.
Riza
To: BirdofPrey
From: AmongtheFlames
Subject: Um…
When it comes to women, I am caught between two phantoms anymore. Every woman gets compared to the two of you, and every one falls short. I'm not saying that's a bad thing. I think I can give up the ghost if I can have you in my life. I mean, actually in my life, not just as my online friend, therapist, and confidant. Right now you're just a ghost in a machine. The problem is I keep expecting to find you beside me half the time any more. God, none of this is coming out right. You know, I already deleted six emails because I can't find the right words. Please, come meet with me?
Joe: Love does things for reasons that reason cannot understand.
To: AmongtheFlames
From: BirdofPrey
Subject: Re: Um…
My friend set up a job interview for me in Central on the 11th. I won't be free until late that night, but I'll be there. If you really want to do this, that is. I'd love to meet you in person. I have to admit I'm halfway in love with you myself. I'm just afraid that reality won't live up to the image you have of me.
Birdie Conrad: You are marching into the unknown armed with - nothing.
To: BirdofPrey
From: AmongtheFlames
Subject: Time and Place
I understand the fear. Really, I do. I'm not available until late that night either. There's this little all night café in Central called The Twining Rose. I'll meet you there at, say 11:30 ish? I'll be the guy with a copy of Pride and Prejudice. It's cliché, I know. I didn't even read the book until after I saw the movie this winter.
What I am actually saying is that we need to be willing to let our intuition guide us, and then be willing to follow that guidance directly and fearlessly. -- Shakti Gawain
To: AmongtheFlames
From: BirdofPrey
Subject: Re: Time and Place
I'll be there. See you then.
Kate: With hope, love should end with hope.
Riza stepped off the train and into the golden afternoon sunshine. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. On a whim, she'd left her hair down. This felt strange. She really wasn't one for doing spontaneous things. Between meeting her pen pal and applying for a new job she knew nothing about, she was feeling a wee bit anxious.
"Ms. Hawkeye?" A woman with short honey-brown hair stood waiting on the platform.
"Yes, ma'am, that's me."
The other woman smiled. "I'm Gracia Hughes. I'll be handling the first part of your interview. Winry said you were somewhat out of the loop on this."
"That would be an understatement. I don't even know who's running this year, let alone what job I'm applying for."
"Well, I can help you somewhat there. If you're hired, you'll be the candidate's personal aide. If he gets elected, then you'll be the president's personal aide. It won't be an easy job. Why don't you come watch the debate with me, and then we'll see if you're still interested?"
"That sounds fair. May I ask what you do for the campaign, Ms. Hughes?"
"Gracia is fine. We're not that formal. My husband is in charge of the campaign. Most of the staffing work got passed on to me since he has his hands full."
"I see. In that case, I'm Riza. Um, do you know where The Twining Rose is? I'm supposed to meet some one there later."
Gracia gave her an odd look. "It's about two blocks from our campaign headquarters. I can point it out to you after the debate."
"Thanks."
A short car ride later, they arrived at the hall the debate would be held in. Riza unconsciously smoothed out the wrinkles on her slacks as she stared at the building. She'd opted for black slacks with a matching jacket and a red sleeveless top. She didn't know why she was getting nervous. She had nothing riding on this debate, so why were there butterflies doing the cha cha in her stomach?
Gracia smiled and touched her arm. "Let's go. You're going to enjoy this. There were a few last minute change of plans before the debate. Our guy is going to blow this out of the water."
Riza smiled. "I look forward to seeing that."
Gracia led the way inside and up to the balcony, surprising Riza slightly. "Staff doesn't watch from behind the scenes?"
"Maes likes to have someone in audience for things like these. He claims it gives a better perspective on what people are actually thinking about the candidate."
"I see."
The moderator stepped out onto the stage. "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the final primary debate between the candidates for the Amestris Democratic party presidential nomination between Brigadier General Basque Gran and Roy Mustang."
Riza sucked in air and nearly choked on it as the two men walked onto the stage. "I know him."
Gracia let out a resigned sigh. "Many women do. I take it you won't be wanting the job."
"No, you don't understand. We shared a house from the time I was six until I was fifteen. He was my father's student."
"You're the little girl in the photo." The woman looked like she'd just had an epiphany.
"What photo?"
"There's this old photo Roy carries around in his wallet all the time. It's of him and this little blond girl sitting on a fence. He won't talk about it, but it's always with him. Especially, if he has a speech or a debate."
Riza bit her lip. Roy was here, and she had just made the decision to see if she was in love with someone else. Someone else who quite possibly worked for him. Of course, she could be jumping to conclusions. Just because he carried around an old photo of the two of them as a lucky talisman didn't mean he was in love with her. She worried her lip and chased thoughts in circles until something in the debate caught her attention. Gran was making it a point to be nice and genial if maybe not actually thoughtful. Roy wasn't even bothering. He knew he was smarter, and he was using that. If he came off as arrogant, then so be it.
Gracia grinned at her. "Caught on did you? It's was amazing. Last week Roy walked into a strategy session and asks, 'If everyone thinks I'm smarter than Gran, then why shouldn't I act it?' I don't know where he pulled that from, but it's working."
Riza let out a breath she had been holding. "Gracia, I'm not sure you can hire me."
"Why not? I'm beginning to think you'd be perfect for the job with your history together. I doubt you'd let him get away with the things he usually pulls."
"I might be in a romantic relationship with your candidate."
"Explain to me how that works because I could swear that you were completely surprised by him being here, and I don't see how that's possible if you two are dating."
"I haven't seen him since my father's funeral. Last month was my birthday, and some of my friends signed me up for an online dating pen pal exchange. I thought it was ridiculous but sent an email anyway. Just a little while ago I sent my pen pal a message. He'd mentioned he was working on a political campaign and was worried about the next debate because they were afraid everyone would see the candidate as arrogant. I mentioned that they could probably use people's assumptions to work in their own favor. We were supposed to meet for the first time tonight."
"He doesn't know you're, well, you."
"No."
Gracia looked thoughtful. "Technically, while you would be Roy's aide, he's not your boss. The chief of staff would be. We can give this a try, and if worst comes to worst, we'll just have you work some place else. I'm positive we have plenty of jobs that could use your talents, going by the resume Winry gave me."
Riza smiled. "I think I'd like that. He's going to win, you know."
Gracia smiled back. "Yeah. I know. Want to go back stage and meet him when he gets done?"
The two women quietly left their seats, and Gracia led the way backstage. Winry was there waiting by the entrance to the stage along with two other young men, one of them missing a tie. Gracia smiled at them. "Al, Riza's going to take over staffing Roy when he comes back. Could you get her the files she'll need? Ed, what happened to your tie?"
The young man with a ponytail snorted. "Candidate god complex set his own on fire two minutes before the debate. He stole mine."
"I don't even know what happened. I'm going to find Maes. Riza, you can wait here for Roy. It shouldn't be much longer."
Winry grinned at her. "I take it you were hired."
"Not exactly. It's more of a trail period. There might be a few technical difficulties with me working for Mr. Mustang."
"Here you go, ma'am." Al handed her a clip board and several files.
"Thanks. So you two are Ed and Al. I've heard a lot about you. Did you really set the building on fire?"
The sound of thunderous applause interrupted them. Roy stepped out of the stage wings. She stepped for and smiled nervously. He froze.
"Hi." She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.
"Hi." He blinked. "Riza?"
"Yes." She glanced down at her clip board. "You have a debate follow up with Hughes and Havoc, and then you're free for the evening. I'm glad my suggestion worked out for you."
He was still staring at her. It seemed his brain was having trouble processing. "Riza? You're here? Suggestion?"
She watched as everything came together for him. His eyes lit up, and then she was dropping the clipboard, so she could tangle her fingers in his hair as he kissed her. She vaguely heard a startled voice behind her.
"What the hell does he think he's doing?"
"I think Roy may be following your advice, Maes." Gracia's amused voice replied. "You do keep telling him to get a wife. That's Riza Hawkeye, by the way, the applicant for the personal aide position."
Roy pulled away, hands cupping her face. "It was you all along. I found you, and I didn't even know it."
She smiled. "You have meeting. Then we have the rest of the evening to catch up."
He nodded and turned to a man wearing glasses. "Right. What's next?"
She fell into step beside him as he and the other man started down the hall. She could hear Ed and Al talking behind her.
"Is there any law against the First Lady being the president's personal aide?"
"They're not even dating yet, brother."
"I'm not sure which we'll have to plan first, Al, the inauguration or the wedding."
Theme: online.