Endurance
Chapter 2
By Endofnonentity
Hey everyone! I hope there are still some of you left waiting around for this! Like always I have huge sections of writing that I have taken out, the flow is much better now. I was originally planning on doing a few chapters but, after some attempts I realized that this was what was important. I might post some of the snippets after if there is interest in reading them.
Enjoy!
It was a completely ungodly hour of the morning when he dragged himself from the shower and crawled back into bed. He had been up since four, having given up on ever meeting sleep and going to the rink to skate.
Every sound reminded him of Adam. He was realizing by this point that everything was going to be a trigger for that pang of loneliness and sense of loss. It was getting overwhelming. The skating rink though, it had enough other memories to nudge the others into submission.
The ice tied him to his team, his friends who always had his back. It made him think of his mother and the first time she had taken him skating when he was little, of Hans and his shop. Lacing up his skates brought back memories of Bombay and meeting all of the people that were so integrated into his life now.
Breaking into the place had become a necessity and until today had gone unnoticed.
The loud clang of the door shutting made him jump, the sound echoing off the empty bleachers and through the rafters.
"What in god's name are you doing here Conway?" Orion's voice was unmistakable and Charlie relaxed just a little. It had taken a long time but, they had a kind of mutual respect at this point. Even if he got in trouble, his Coach would at least hear him out first.
"Couldn't sleep." His legs felt like rubber, shaking under him as he skated over to where the older man stood, arms crossed and eyes calculating.
"You aren't supposed to be in here." He would only accept a straight answer that much was obvious. Of all the people he could talk to, at least Orion knew most of the story and on top of that he wasn't the kind of person to try sugar coat things. It was part of the reason Charlie respected his opinion so much.
"I know, it's just easier to think here…or not to think I'm not sure which it is. It's quiet." The Caption hadn't bothered to put on any of his gear but, his hair was still plastered to his forehead, sweat drenched his layers of shirts.
"To be honest I'm glad to hear you say that. With everything that's happened, I was afraid you would start avoiding it." He sank down on one of the benches, managing to convey with out words for Charlie to join him.
"Adam was doing well here, it's a shame his father couldn't see that." It was easier to bite back the bitter comment that rose to his lips when he was exhausted.
"There isn't much I'd care to say about his father, if you can't say something nice and all that." To his surprise Orion laughed, something that he didn't do often and the sound soothed Charlie's exposed nerves.
"You're doing alright?" He nodded, moving to explain when he got that look, the one that said he had answered too quickly.
"His brother brought him by before they left, let us say good bye and you know stuff. It made it…bearable at least for now." The hum that served at the other man's reply made it clear he understood that feeling and Charlie guessed he did. When Bombay had put an end to his pity party after Hans had passed he had explained some of Orion's past. He was glad he had gotten to hear it because it helped him understand a lot about their Coach. It had started the closure in the rift that had initially been between them.
"Glad to hear it. I know people have probably told you that it gets better with time and all that garbage." His eyes searched Charlie's seeing the same frustration and pain there that he had experienced when his daughter had been injured, the kind of emotions born from being helpless to fix it, to do anything at all.
"It doesn't get easier, it just becomes so constant that it stops hurting, you learn to ignore it and you move on. You grow through it. Then one day you make a decision to make the best of it." It wasn't the flowery sympathy ridden discussion that most people would give, it was honest which made Charlie take the words to heart.
"I have paper work to do and tapes to watch, so I'll see you at practice tomorrow. Go get some sleep Conway you look like hell."
Charlie was gathering his stuff when he noticed something sitting on the bench next to him. The little object didn't look familiar but, he picked it up anyway, turning the little silver key over in his hand. It had a little tag attached to it, labeling what it was for and the word made him grin.
"So you don't have to keep breaking in. You're going to get yourself expelled."
Orion had benched him again. Most of their last game Charlie had spent in the penalty box. Now, in practice it seemed to be the same thing.
"I need you to bring it down a notch Conway. This isn't helping anyone. You need to think about the team. Can you do that?"
"That is what I'm doing." He didn't believe himself, there was no way Orion would fall for it. It wasn't that he was doing it on purpose. Everything just felt…off with out Adam on the ice. The new found aggression wasn't hurting his playing, it was helping it. He scored more goals the last game than he had in any other game. The only problem was that he also spent more time in the penalty box for unnecessary roughness.
He hadn't seen Adam in almost six months, since his father had out done himself and exceeded all previous actions by sending him away. They had a great hockey program, which was supposed to be the big gold star, the light at the end of the tunnel.
They had been completely blind sided, and left with no choice but to say hasty good byes that Charlie knew he should be thankful he even gotten to utter.
He knew he should be happy that he was with Derek instead of stowed away at some private boarding school across the country but, all that stuck in his head was that he was gone. It didn't matter because any distance, be it five miles or five thousand was still distance. The Captain tried not to let it get to him.
Phone conversations had never been something they had to rely on. Ever since they met they spent real, physical time with each other.
The result of all the separation felt similar to when he and Linda had broken up just minus the swell of relief that had followed. This hurt a lot more. His friends had gone from trying to almost incessantly cheer him up to leaving him alone and in some cases avoiding him all together out side of hockey.
Good, he didn't want to talk to people about it, Guy and Orion were the only ones that knew, both just spared him sympathetic glances and did their best to not bring it up.
"Sit the rest of this one out." It was said in a tone that let him know he didn't believe his answer. By now Charlie knew better than to argue or get pissed off, it would only make Orion more resolute in his decision. In stead he tugged off some of his gear, ran his hands through his hair with a heavy sigh and tried to focus on being a good Caption from the side lines.
He decided to go home again for the weekend.
It wasn't that he didn't want to be around his friends, he just was less successful at not being around Adam then he would like people to see.
So he shoved a few odds and ends into his backpack, after dumping his books and headed out. There was this pit in his stomach, nothing unbearable just a sort of dull ach that he could ignore if he tried hard enough. It cropped up at all the stupid little things, in all the places that reminded him of them. That reminded him Adam wasn't where he was supposed to be. By the time the bus dropped him a few blocks from his house and he unlocked the front door he had managed to summon the kind of cool numbness that made him able to reply with a half hearted smile and 'I'm fine' every time someone corralled enough courage to ask him how he was doing. Most of them bought it with little more than a slight hesitance because they wanted to believe it. That was something he had figured out and exploited about people from a very young age. If you just told them what they wanted to hear, they would agree, no matter how it countered what was right in front of them.
Usually, Charlie hated it when people played make believe and had made it a point to always say exactly what he meant when at all possible. It was easier then trying to read between the lines all the time and much less exhausting. With the whole Adam thing now though, he thought maybe he understood a little bit why people did things like that, hiding things.
His mom and Sam were both still at work, leaving him free to go hide in his room for a few hours with out having to come up with an excuse to not talk to anyone. He wasn't expecting the envelope that stood out against the quilt on his bed. In three quick steps he crossed the room and picked it up, immediately recognizing the hand writing on the front as his moms. Just his name was scrawled across the front but, its presence made him realize she had expected him to come home because well, he had done so almost every weekend since Adam left.
He only paused for a moment before tearing it open and pulling out the contents and just staring for a moment, his brain trying to make sense of the paper he was now holding. A bus ticket, he couldn't pin down the grin that spread across his face or the laugh that bubbled up from some place inside him that had forgotten how to be happy.
God, he adored him mom.
Charlie was currently wandering around a school campus that he had no right being at. He had practically ran to his mothers work and bursting through the door not stopping to care about what people thought for one second. Before he had had a chance to say anything she had just laughed and told him to wish Adam a happy birthday from her.
Apparently Casey had already talked to Derek about the weekend trip.
He was anxious to see his boyfriend in person, to talk to him about all the things they didn't have time to get to on the phone, all the things that had no place being written in letters but, rather spoken in person.
It was a six hour bus ride to get to Derek's who had grinned at him like they were old friends then, after asking if he had his permit handed him the keys to his truck. To say he was surprised wouldn't quite cover it and it showed in his expression
So he had followed his directions to the school, parked out front and waited for Adam to walk through the doors.
At least that had been his intention.
Classes weren't quite out when he got there and after waiting as long as he had he wasn't about to wait any more.
It was easy to find the office and after making up a story about needing to find Adam to return his book the secretary had looked up the room number for his last class and written him a hall pass.
Piece of cake.
The school wasn't hard to navigate and since all the kids were in classes, it didn't take him very long to find the English hallway and even less time to spot the blond hair near the front of the room.
He pushed the door open and walked in, holding the little slip of paper up like it was a note from the office. They really should get different colored pads of paper.
"Sorry to interrupt, I need to borrow Adam Banks." Everyone was staring at him but he didn't even notice because those blue eyes that he had missed seeing were fixed on him, unable to believe what he was seeing. Adam didn't wait for the teacher to say anything, just stood up and tried very, very hard not to run to the door.
He looked good. His hair was longer and swept to the side out of his face. Instead of the polo's and slacks that Charlie had always associated with him he was wearing jeans, the black jeans from Christmas and a sweater.
The Captain was not expecting the other boy to throw his arms around his neck and kiss him just on the other side of the door. Not that he minded.
"I guess we finally got rid of the 'no touching in public' rule." The words tumbled out before he could over think it, probably not the most romantic line to greet his boyfriend with.
"That was a stupid rule. Who came up with that anyway?" His back came into contact with the tiled wall and he pulled Adam with him, fingers tugging at his belt loops.
"Be nice, I happen to be hopelessly in love with the person that came up with that stupid rule." The Captain managed to sound reproachful.
"Good." He grabbed Charlie's hand, lacing their fingers together and slung his bag over his other shoulder. The whole thing felt completely surreal.
"What are you even doing here? Not that I'm complaining." He punctuated the comment with another kiss, Charlie could really get use to this.
"Oh right, before I forget, my mom says happy birthday."
"God, I can't believe you're actually here." Adam tugged him to a stop by the hand, kissing him again, quick and chaste and just because he could. Adam laughed, bright and loud.
"What?" Adam shrugged a little, never having imagined Charlie in this space with him.
"Nothing sorry I just, I like that we can just be us. I like kissing you and not caring what could happen because of it." Charlie gave him a quick once over, caught off guard by just how much he had changed since he had seen him last. Not long ago he would have never actually answered the Captain truthfully.
"Aiden's going to freak out, he's like, completely obsessed with you." Charlie blinked, the turn in conversation unexpected.
"Who?"
"My friend Aiden."
"Oh, is he on the team here?" The furrow in his brow clearly indicated Adam's confusion but, after waiting a beat he answered.
"No I, we just met in class. I, I don't really play hockey anymore."
"What do you mean you don't play anymore?" Shock had rendered the Captain almost speechless. The idea that Adam had given up Hockey was so absurd he couldn't even fathom it.
"I did for a little while, when I first got here. It just, it wasn't the same." He shrugged like it was no big deal. It was though.
"Please don't say that." Clear blue eyes watched him for a moment, seeming so different than last time he had seen them.
"Why does that make you upset?" Adam pulled him toward a side door at the back of the building, the easiest way to get out with out being seen. He didn't really feel any different but, when Charlie looked at him he could see it in his eyes.
"Because you love hockey and I don't think I can live with being responsible for you losing that too." Adam seemed to consider this for a moment, letting Charlie lead him to where he had parked Derek's truck. In the light, it was like all the little changes were more prevalent. His hair was lighter, his skin seemed more tan, even next to the dark fabric of his clothing. He seemed more alive than Charlie ever remembered seeing him and it hurt just a little to know he didn't have to be around for Adam to be so content.
"No, I liked hockey. I loved playing with the Ducks, with you." He grinned, tilting his head to the side like he was listening to something else.
Adam's hands on his chest pushed his back to the truck on the passenger side, minimizing the amount of space that was between them, the contact making Charlie grin.
"Mostly you." Reaching around him he tugged the cab door open, managing to indicate that Charlie should get in. There were so many things all at once, Adam's overwhelming presence and how he seemed to be completely alright with the excessive lack of any kind of space between them.
The whole thing seemed exemplified when he straddled the team Captain and pulled the door shut behind him, grinning.
"God, I missed you." Lost might be a little bit of an understatement but, what ever universe they had found themselves in, Charlie liked it.
Adam waited for a beat, eyes watching the boy that he had spent all this time wanting desperately to be next to, worried for a moment that this was too much too soon.
The tap on the window made him regret his hesitation.
Aiden stood outside, his head tipped to the side and a mock stern expression pulling at his features.
"I leave you alone in class what, five minutes to go to the bathroom and you just run off with the first guy that looks your way?" Charlie didn't really pay much mind to the stranger, he was more absorbed with the lack of freaking out that Adam was not doing. His hand was still resting on his shoulder, the other wrapped around the back of his neck. His brain seemed to be trying to convince him that Adam was, contrary to all former circumstances, relaxed.
"Sorry to interrupt your little make out session, I just wanted to finally meet your boy." Adam reluctantly pulled himself away from Charlie, running a hand through his hair to return it to some form of order.
"You're not sorry at all. Other wise you wouldn't have interrupted. Charlie this is Aiden." His brain filed it all into order, this was Adam's friend.
"Hey man, nice to meet you." Aiden grinned, eyes flickering between the pair.
"God you two are cute together, you make me sick." Adam sighed, tumbling out of the truck cab and straightening out his shirt.
"You know, I haven't seen Charlie in six months, as much as I like talking to you and all there are a few other things I'd rather be doing." Aiden grinned, dismissing the whole thing and leaning back against the truck, arms folded.
"And I've been nagging and harassing you for six months, I demand at least a few moments getting to know the guy my best friend is hopelessly in love with." Charlie smiled at that, Adam just rolled his eyes in mock annoyance. Charlie had a feeling he could thank Aiden for the calm and relaxed demeanor that seemed to have permeated his boyfriend, at least a little of it.
"So Charlie, Adam did a horrible job of reciting your love story. I hope to God you can fill in some of the gaps." Aiden used the tire to help hoist himself up onto the lip of the truck bed, smiling at the pair and swinging his legs while he waited.
"I did not! I told you exactly-"
"I'm sorry, I don't recall asking you." There was a grin on Aiden's face when he said it, making it clear he was just picking on the blond. His gaze shifted to where Charlie stood, expectantly waiting for him to start.
"You're ridiculous." The comment was half mumbled as Adam gave in, sinking into the passengers seat with the door propped open, knowing when he had lost.
"If I tell you can we leave?" The other boy thought for a moment, eyes narrowed.
"If your story is to my satisfaction and we set a date to continue this lovely get together then yes. You can head back to Derek's and proceed to ravish-"
"Okay, okay he gets it!" Adam called from the cab, his response sing song and hurried. Charlie licked his lips, not sure if he was irritated at being held up or relieved to find that Adam had made a friend that had by all appearances tugged him a little further out of his shell.
"Deal."
"Good." Charlie leaned against the door that was open, trying to gather his thoughts. Their story, it made it sound like some horrible soap opera. In hind sight he guessed it kind of was. The things they had been through were an ongoing list that had tested them over and over again. Not just their relationship but each of them individually.
"When we were Freshmen, our new Coach assigned Banks to Varsity. It was the first time that we hadn't played hockey together since he was on the Hawks when we were kids. Don't get me wrong I was thrilled for him, he works harder than anyone I know and I wanted to be happy for him but…I'm not really good at dealing with emotions." He managed a half smile at that, hearing Adam snort not far from him. Yeah, it was an understatement.
"I tend to just…I don't know implode. Whatever it doesn't really matter why I did it but, we got in a huge fight. At the time I guess I didn't even admit to myself what it was all really about. I didn't want to deal with it, I wasn't sure how to.
"I liked being with him all the time because he knew me. I didn't have to pretend to be someone else but, at the same time it was terrifying because I had to worry about what would happen if there wasn't anything there for him, no spark." He shook his head, feeling dumb telling all this to a stranger when he hadn't ever fully admitted it to Adam. Not like this.
"So we beat the shit out of each other." Aiden didn't laugh like he had expected him to, just continued to watch him quietly.
"It was easy to be close like that. No one thought anything of it. Eventually we worked it out, not just us but everything. Somehow we got closer and closer until kissing him felt like the most natural thing in the world.
"And it's been like that since for the most part. We get in fights a lot and say stupid shit we don't mean. We both have our own problems that we bring to the table but sometimes two broken things can be taken apart and put back together enough that you get something that works."
Adam was staring at him like…well he wasn't sure what exactly. Like he'd said too much maybe? Aiden whistled low, hopping off the truck and standing with his arms folded.
"Well shit. I wasn't expecting that. I guess I have to take it all back now." Charlie frowned, not sure what he was talking about in the least.
"What's that?"
"All the things I've assumed about Hockey players. You my good sir are first rate. I approve." He clapped Charlie on the back as he took a step back toward the school that students were now pouring out of.
"Take care of our boy huh?" Adam hadn't looked up since Aiden had started talking, apparently enthralled with the floor mats.
Charlie managed a stammered of course he was going to and just stood rooted to the spot while Aiden turned and made his way back toward the building.
"You two have a good night!"
"The hell?" He stared after him, not sure what to make of his sudden departure or the things he had said. Adam was quiet. It only took a moment to realize he was crying.
"Hey, what's wrong?" There was relief when the other boy laughed, whipping at his face and taking a deep breath.
"It's nothing, I just…it's stupid. I just kind of forgot how wonderful you are."
"You're not so bad yourself."
Derek called him into the hallway on his way out of the house, keys already in his hand.
"Here, for dinner get a pizza or…you know what ever."
Adam thanked him, shoving the money into his pocket for later, after going through the take out menus that lived on top of the fridge with Charlie. Derek still didn't move to go.
He wasn't sure why his brother kept looking at him like that, like he was doing a puzzle in his head. He cleared his throat and then reached into his wallet again and held out a small metallic package.
Once Adam figured out what it was his face flushed and he took an involuntary step back.
"I don't need that." Derek just rolled his eyes and gave him this look that made it clear he wasn't going to just drop it.
"Look, just take it alright? I was your age once too, just in case." When his younger brother still stood there just staring at him like he had grown another head he reached out and shoved it in the pocket of his jeans.
"If you don't use it, that's fine, more than fine actually, I'm not blind to how you two have been looking at each other all night. You can barely keep your hands off each other when I'm in the room. It's nothing to be embarrassed about Adam." He ruffled his hair and offered an empathetic smile.
"I'm not that guy. I'm not the kind of guy that walks around with a condom in his pocket. How exactly am I supposed to explain even having it?" The scene that played out in his head was ridiculous.
Derek out right laughed at that.
"If it comes to needing it, the last thing he's going to be thinking about is why you have a condom." That was a good point but, it didn't make the butterflies in his stomach stop trying to gnaw their way out. In fact it only seemed to make them angrier.
"Right." Derek nodded once, decision having been made and toward the door, waving over his shoulder as he left; pointedly reminding him again that he would be home around eleven.
His departure left them alone, something that up until the extremely awkward conversation that had just occurred he had been waiting for. Now his head was all over the place because, if Derek thought that they might have sex…did that mean Charlie was thinking that as well? He swallowed hard, feeling very much like it was the fist time they hung out outside of hockey practice in peewee's all over again…just way worse.
"Hey-" Charlie's sudden appearance made him jump.
"Hey." Adam said, all nervous energy and tangled emotions. He pushed it all from his mind, reminding himself that they only had so much time together and he wanted to make the most of it.
"You alright?" Blue eyes searched him for a moment before nodding.
"Yeah, Derek left us with some pizza money."
They finally decided on a place around the corner because Adam claimed it was the best pizza he had ever eaten and yes, that did included the locally owned place that the Ducks lived at during the summer.
While they waited for it to be delivered they caught up on the post six months of each others lives, Adam spending most of it convincing Charlie that he wasn't completely distraught with out Hockey in his life.
Of course the Captain covered his ears and claimed blasphemy and then promptly demanded a skating session while he was in town.
"So what do you do then, with out hockey?" It was almost like it pained Charlie just to say the words, honestly there was a time Adam wouldn't have believed that he would willingly walk away from it.
"I'm on the Tech team for the school play. Aiden does stage crew he kind of pulled me into it after I stopped going to practice. I was kind of lost for a little while. Hockey, the Ducks it was my whole world for so long. I kind of had to find myself again after I gave it up." Adam says it all in a rush, having accepted his decisions a long time ago but, that odd pang of loss still bubbled up sometimes.
"What about you?" Adam tried to keep the desperation out of his voice, the need to hear that his boyfriend was doing well when he wasn't there to make sure of it.
"I'm managing alright. Hockey is, hockey is great." And even though Charlie said it like it was the end of the conversation Adam just sat patiently waiting.
"I'm having a little problem with…aggression. I guess, that's what Orion keeps saying anyway." There must have been something in his expression that read as a reprimand because Charlie huffs a sigh and continues.
"Look I don't mean to, just sometimes I get so pissed off because…It isn't fair that all this crap happened to you, to us. And I just want you to be there with me on the ice where you belong."
Adam isn't quite sure what to say to that, he never imagined that Charlie would still be struggling with their separation this long. He was the one that was personable and friendly.
"I can't help it I just, I hate losing people." At that it all just sort of snapped into place. Charlie had lost more people he cared about than any one should at his age. They had left his father, Bombay had passed them on to a different coach when they were freshmen, Orion taking their Duck jerseys and Hans passing just after. Charlie had felt it all deeper than the rest of the team, he expected people to leave eventually no matter how fiercely he loved them.
"Have, have you talked to the team, about us?" It dawns on Adam all of the sudden that they never really had this discussion before he left. That for the past six months Charlie hasn't had his team to talk to.
"Of course not, we said we would do it when we were both ready." His emotions range from horrified at himself to complete and utter adoration for the other boy that wouldn't even think of breaking a promise to him. Even when he felt alone he kept it to himself.
"We should, I think its way past due that we tell them. I want you to be able to talk to them, Charlie I never meant to make you keep this from them for so long." When Charlie smiles like the sun back he knows it's the right think to do. It makes the prospect of him leaving to go back to Minneapolis and Eden Hall just a little more bearable.
Once the pizza came them moved to Adam's room.
Sleeping on the couch at Derek's hadn't been a big deal. That didn't stop his older brother from clearing out the cluttered room that he informed Adam was an 'office'. From the looks of it, that had just meant it housed old computer parts and boxes of things that had never been unpacked. So by the second week he was there, Derek had moved and reorganized all the stuff and took him on a trip to the store to pick out a color for the walls.
Now, the files in the closet had been moved to accommodate his clothes and hockey gear. The big computer desk that had been doing a splendid job as a catch all for a mountain of papers had been dismantled and his bed took its place. It was smaller than his room at home but, it felt more like his with the photo of him and Charlie on the night stand and another on the top of his book shelf.
Charlie picked one of the photos up, smiling at it and running his thumb over the frame.
"Nice décor Banksie." Adam just rolls his eyes at the comment and rescues the picture from the Captain, setting it back where it was.
"I like having it out."
"You've got the real thing here now. We should probably make up for lost time." The suggestion was obvious it would have been even if Derek hadn't put the idea there earlier and it made Adam's heart stutter.
Charlie's hands were warm, his fingers pressing into the skin stretched over his hips, long fingers that seemed desperate to press him closer.
"God, I've missed you." For the first time since Charlie had gotten here, he could read the loneliness in Adam's tone of voice. He could see it, laid out honestly in his eyes and feel it in every touch.
It made his heart ach. Adam had always been quirky and stern. Desperate wasn't something he was use to seeing etched into his expression.
"Missed you too." The response was soft and quiet, huffed out between long kisses.
"I don't want you to go back."
"I don't want to think about that right now."
"Okay." He was shaking ever so slightly, almost unnoticeable. But Charlie noticed and set out to smooth away the anxiety. Breaking the kiss for a moment he tugged off his own shirt, tossing it away to fall into obscurity on the floor of Adam's room. For the first time that he could ever remember Adam's skin was darker than his, making his fingers stand out as he slid them up his sides, urging the fabric out of the way. He didn't need to say anything.
Adam sat up, the change in position causing Charlie to do the same.
"Fuck-" Charlie smiled into the kiss he had been pressing to Adam's jaw, thrilled that he could make the other boy forget himself.
"What's that?" The Captain asked innocently.
Adam sighed in annoyance, talking wasn't exactly what he was focused on right now.
"God damn it Charlie, you know there's a time to-" There was no way he could even finish the sentence, he just didn't have it in him, especially when nimble fingers tugged at the button on his jeans.
"You good?" Adam nodded, more to convince himself than the other boy. It didn't help to keep reminding himself that Charlie had seen him naked before because there was a unfathomable difference between being naked in the same space as someone and the boy you're not sure you could live with out undressing you with obvious intent.
Oh god.
He shifted to arch his back so the black fabric slid off, recalling right as Charlie was about to toss them on the floor that they needed what was in the front pocket.
"Shit, wait." The Captain didn't have time to react before he dug through the pockets to find the condom that Derek had forced him to take.
His heart was beating so fast he wasn't sure it was going to stay in his chest. They were both quiet for a second; the little package in Adam's hand between them and what was happening somehow became much more real than it was only an instant before.
Charlie searched out his gaze, he looked nervous which made Adam feel uneasy. Maybe he hadn't been planning on taking this that far.
There was no air left in the room, the lack of oxygen burning his lungs and making his mouth dry.
"You sure?"
"I'm sure about you." Charlie nodded, his gaze drifting back to the condom sitting in Adam's palm. Someone had to say something.
"Are you going to…put it on?" Adam stared back, expression completely shocked. Until he spoke Charlie couldn't figure out why. Was that not a question he should have asked? He was pretty sure someone had to ask it.
"God, did I already say something wrong?" That seemed to snap Adam out of where ever his mind was, at least enough that he responded.
"No I just, I guess I always assumed you would…you would be the one that needed it." Was it always this awkward? Realization washed over Charlie's face, eyebrows rising with the expression.
"Oh. I…is that what you want? You know to…" The whole situation was new for both of them and there hadn't been enough conversation about this part. Adam laughed, licking his lips nervously.
"Are you okay with, with that?" Adam wasn't sure if he should feel happy or anxious at the long moment it takes Charlie to answer. But when he reaches forward and takes the silver package with a nod he's just happy that someone made a decision.
"You're going to have to…you know talk to me. Adam I've never done this before." The quiver of panic in the Captain's voice sets him on edge a little, making his resolve falter just slightly.
Like always, once Charlie makes up his mind there's nothing but determination and focus. Adam can't help but smile and whisper a quiet 'okay' in response.
The next morning dawned grey and cool, a light mist of rain that could hardly be called such left a hazy condensation clinging to the windows. Even so, the dull light pulled Adam from his sleep, his eye lids heavy. The weather made it nearly impossible for him to guess at the time. It could be mid afternoon just as easily as morning. Charlie's weight sank the mattress so he was leaning against him, an arm casually tossed across him. It was no different than the dozens of times they had woken up in the same bed, at least it shouldn't have been.
They were different. Their relationship was different. Everything felt more permanent and some how less. Adam frowned at the thought, what did that even mean? He shifted a little, pulling the covers off with the intent of getting up to take a shower. He was sore. Charlie made a soft sound that made him still instantly, waiting for the Captain to settle so he was sure he was asleep.
Last night had been…last night. He swallowed hard and stood up, pulling on his pajama pants before slipping out of the room and heading for the bathroom. It didn't make any sense why he felt so nervous now. Peeling his clothes back off he tuned on the water and stepped into the spray, letting his shoulders relax and not fighting back the odd assortment of thoughts that tumbled through his mind.
It hadn't been like the thought it would be, the way that movies and books described it as. That wasn't what surprised him thought because, who really believed all that crap? The teen had expected it to feel right though, for the awkwardness to pass and the uncomfortable feeling to give way into a sort of euphoric experience. There was no way he could even say it out loud, that the build up to the actually sex part of sex was way better than the end.
There must be something wrong with him.
Sex was supposed to be this great thing.
Having sex with the boy you loved, who loved you back…that was supposed to be like, unbelievably perfect. Yet, he had and he just had a kind of sick feeling in his stomach.
"Don't freak out, don't freak out." He didn't realize he was talking out loud until he said it the second time and then he really did start to panic. It hadn't been bad, nothing had gone wrong he just, there wasn't anything else to compare it to, to know if it had been normal. Was this what it felt like for everyone?
At some point of standing under the water, his hair already washed he realized that he had left Charlie alone. And that was the worst possible thing he could have done because who wanted to wake up alone after falling asleep next to someone? If he had woken up to an empty bed this morning he would have been horrified.
Just that thought sent him practically running back to his room, hair dripping in his face.
Charlie was still asleep.
He crawled back under the covers, scooting close enough to press his nose into the other boys shoulder. His heartbeat calmed and the anxiety ebbed just a little bit, making it easier to breath.
"Why are you wet?" Charlie's voice was rough with sleep but, it made Adam smile.
"Took a quick shower, I wanted to make it back before you woke up." There was a soft hum of acknowledgement.
"You okay?" His eyes stung a little and he forced himself to ignore it.
"I think so yeah." He knew it wasn't the answer Charlie wanted but, it was the only one he could get past his lips. He was, he was fine.
"You sure? You sound a little freaked out." And Adam just wanted desperately to deny it, to grin and kiss his boyfriend and assure him that he was wonderful because how could he not be?
"Come on, talk to me Banksie." It wasn't the coaxing that made him do it, it was the gentle way that he said it.
"I don't know how to say it." Long fingers brushed through his hair, tucking it behind his ear.
"It doesn't have to be perfectly planned and thought out Banksie, you can just tell me." He mumbled the last part through a yawn as he wrapped his arms around the blond.
It doesn't have to be perfect. That was what stuck in Adam's mind. It didn't have to be. It had been their first time together, both of their first times with anyone. That made him smile and he buried it in the skin over Charlie's collar bone.
"Everything is so real." It hardly made any sense. Even as he said the words he didn't know how to string them together.
"It's a little scary that well, you got all of my firsts." He had tugged Charlie closer, his hand tracing little patterns over his jaw line to take his mind off of how hard his heart was beating.
"'M happy you gave them to me. All of them." Adam's heart fluttered a little at that because he realized what Charlie meant was even the bad ones. Their first fight, break up, yelling and bitterness, all of the heartache and all of the nights spent alone when they just wanted to be together.
"You know," Charlie's drawl was slow and content,
"Someday it's going to be like really, really great sex. Like awesome porn sex." Adam couldn't hold in the laugh that burst out, muffled into Charlie's skin.
"Wow." He just shook his head, unable to keep from smiling.
"I love you."
"When did you watch porn?" Adam is aware after he's asked that I love you too would have been the proper response but, somewhere it got muddled into with the idea of that happening.
"Uh, after your dad made you leave…maybe before that too." Charlie shrugged not embarrassed in the least.
"Oh." And he becomes acutely aware that the Captain is watching him curiously.
"What does that mean exactly, are you upset?" The blond shakes his head because he isn't, that would be a stupid thing to get mad over. Somewhere in the back of his mind he's aware that it must be normal for boys their age to be curious, it's just kind of jarring to realize it's another think that never really crossed his mind as an option.
It doesn't matter, the boy he's madly in love with is curled around him, fingers running over the ring that he hasn't taken of since Christmas.
"I love you too." And he means it more, more every time he lets himself say it.
They were never normal anyway.
Adam can't seem to look at Derek when they find themselves in the kitchen at the same time, rummaging around for breakfast. Despite trying to act natural he swears that Derek can just tell. He doesn't ask, doesn't say anything just gives Adam a hot cup of coffee and ruffles his hair as he walks by.
"Charlie still asleep?" Adam manages a half mumbled 'yes' more to his cup than his brother.
"I was thinking about making some panca-"
"We had sex." And now they are just standing there in silence starting at each other because and Adam is beyond mortified but it's better than the unaddressed elephant rampaging around the room.
"I take it that you…want to talk about it?" At least his bother has the decency to look uncomfortable even if it's just barely.
"Not really no, I just…yeah." He hadn't even realized how much it was bothering him until now, how badly he wanted to just tell someone he had no idea how to start.
"You okay?" Derek had abandoned all attempts at pancakes which really was a shame, Adam was beyond starving.
"I think so yeah. I just is it normal to…to not be sure?" Adam was sitting with his hands pressed between the chair and his thighs to keep them still, anxious and uncomfortable beyond belief. He keeps reminding himself that they are both adults and he needs to start acting like one.
"I'd say most people have some doubts and uncertainties. It's just like anything that's new, you have to give yourself time to adjust not only as a person but as a couple. Unless there's something else you meant?" Derek watched him carefully, looking for what he wasn't sure.
"Do you…do you regret it?" He's sure that his face is red, but he shakes his head none the less and manages a smile.
"No. I'm glad it was with him, I wouldn't have wanted it to be anyone else." And he means it with everything that's inside him. Derek clears his throat and shifts a little in his chair, this is way to close to the parenting realm.
"Good. That's good Adam." He gets up to get more coffee and pulls the rest of the pancake ingredients and eggs out of the fridge. Adam watches him bustle about the kitchen, pulling out pans and measuring cups. It's easier to talk when they aren't face to face.
"I don't know what I'm going to do about mom and dad." And there it is, even after all this time and his insistence that he doesn't care he really does. He hates how badly he wants them in is life, how he still aches for their acceptance. It's just this one thing, he wants to share how happy he his.
"I'll go with you if you want, when you decide to tell them." It only takes the blond two steps to cross the room and wrap his arms around his older bother, burying his face in his shoulder and trying not to cry. Derek just sighs and hugs him back, resting his chin on his head and letting him stay there.
"It's okay Adam. I won't let anything happen to you."
Lauren picks all three of them up from Derek's the next morning to drive Charlie home. After their talk Adam had decided he needed to talk to his parents and being the ever supportive boyfriend Charlie had declared it a road trip.
It was easy to not think about the impeding doom that lay ahead at their destination sitting next to Charlie in the back seat while he sang along to what ever music came on the radio. The five hour car ride blew by like water running down the drain and they roll into the drive way of his childhood home before he had time to wrap his head around what's about to happen. He had tried to convince Charlie to just let them drop him off but the brunette wouldn't even hear him out. Adam had tried everything from this is something I need to do alone to I don't want you to get hurt and even yelling that it was none of his business.
Hard headed might just be the biggest understatement, if nothing else his boyfriend was loyal to a fault.
This place has as many good memories as bad ones, the acknowledgement sets his nerves at ease. From here he can see the woods out back, where he and Charlie had built a dam in the little creek and just around back where they had their first kiss. The hall way to his room where Charlie had been the first person he could remember to wedge himself between him and his father, willing to stand in the way for him if it came to it.
That same boy is standing just behind him now, his hand on the small of his back and a familiar presence reassuring him he isn't alone.
So with a deep breath he pushes open the door.
The end.
I'm so very excited to finally post this! After a lot of work and way to much time this is the last chapter to my Mighty Ducks fanfiction! I know some of you might hate me for the abrupt ending but I felt it was the most fitting way to leave it. At this point, Adam has grown so much! The end was a testament to his growth and character development which was my main focus in this story. By the end, it doesn't matter to him what his parents reaction is or that they finally understand where he is coming from. It's more important that he faces his fears and is true to himself.
I love you all! Thank you for all your comments and feed back it had truly been a wonderful journey!
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