AN. So I guess I decided to continue this story! This chapter continues straight on from the last. How fast the updates will be I'm not too sure of just yet – College has been kicking my ass lately! Reviews are really appreciated just to let me know how I'm doing, and if you think characterisation (another AN at the bottom of the chapter on this) is okay or not! Criticism is welcomed too – always room to improve! Read, hopefully enjoy, and review!
"Are you ready to order?" Hotch asked Emily, putting his own menu down on the table. He had known what he wanted to order before they'd even entered the restaurant. With the amount of time his team spent on the road, pizza is something they all ate frequently; his order never varying drastically. That is usually the same for Emily too. She always, literally always, ordered a BBQ chicken and red pepper pizza. But since sitting down and picking up the menu in this restaurant, Hotch had noticed her seriously considering her order.
"Almost…" Emily replied, not looking up from the menu to meet his inquisitive gaze. "Trying to decide between cherry tomatoes or dried tomatoes. Which do you think would go better with Tuna?" She asked him, finally looking up from the menu. "What?" She asked confused as she noticed his expression.
"You always get chicken and peppers on your pizza." Hotch replied deadly seriously, as if it were a topic of most importance.
"I… Wanted a change." Emily shrugged her shoulders. "You know what, I think I'm going to get half and half." She decided aloud. She couldn't shrug off the feeling that Hotch was examining her, though. His laser like eyes were focused on her and her alone. Usually when they would go out to eat the rest of the team would be with them, so Hotch's attention would be divided. But that's not why he was looking at her like he is now. Even when he has other people to focus on, he would let his eyes drift around the room – taking in his surroundings and profiling the other customers. Tonight though, his eyes hadn't left her once – and she didn't need to look up from the menu in her hands to know that. It was unsettling to be this close to him, alone. They never went anywhere alone together. Well, there was once a time that she and Hotch would do things alone together, but not since a couple of years.
Admittedly when Hotch had been injured by Foyet, she had gone to his apartment on several occasions to spend time with him and to help him out in any way she could. Asides from then, they were never really friends outside of work – especially when Haley died and Hotch began to cut himself off from everyone else. Still though, despite feeling unsettled that it was just her and Hotch having dinner together, she felt safe. Not once had she scanned the restaurant to make sure there were no potential unsubs lurking, and she hadn't checked to see where each fire escape was either. Because she knew that should anything bad happen, Hotch would have her back. He always has been there for her when she really needed it. Back when Matthew Benton had been murdered, she had thought that Hotch didn't have her back, when in reality he had risked his career for her. And of course everything she had gone through with Doyle, he had been there almost every step of the way. As soon as he found out about the problem, he made it his goal to track her down in Boston. When he had been told by the surgeons working to save her life that she would recover, he had protected her by faking her death – and then he had gone to higher pay grades to make sure she stayed safe from Ian Doyle. He'd abandoned his mission in Pakistan to return home when Doyle had been captured, and then broke several protocols to save Declan Doyle's life. The more she thought about her years in the BAU, the more Emily realised just how much Hotch did for her, and the team, without wanting or needing anything in return. The man is her figurehead of safety and comfort. Without realising it, Hotch had ordered their food while she was still deep in thought, and now sat across from her – examining her again. "How's Jack?" She all but managed to ask through her embarrassment for getting caught up in her thoughts.
"He's good." Hotch replied, a small smile gracing his lips at the thought of his son. "Excited for Halloween." He added, letting their conversation slip into a comfortable ground for them both. If there is one thing he knew about Emily Prentiss, it is that she doesn't like to be forced into a corner. If he wants to be there for her, to help her through whatever dark place she is currently in, he would have to ease himself into it. Attacking her from the get-go would not prove successful.
Emily's smile brightened at the memory of Jack turning up to JJ's house last Halloween dressed as his father. "What superhero did he decide to dress up as this year?" Emily asked him softly. "Or has he grown out of that?"
"He is definitely still a little obsessed with superheros." Hotch replied. "Batman is flavour of choice this year. Though, it was a tough call between him and Superman." He chuckled quietly at the memory of his son in the costume store, begging his father to buy both costumes. Even though he was thinking of his son, Hotch's mind never stopped turning and figured how to work in Emily's issues to the light nature of their current conversation. "Are you going to JJ's for trick or treating this year?" He asked her casually after taking a sip of his water.
"I am." Emily nodded enthusiastically. "I haven't sorted out my costume yet though. JJ is hell bent on me dressing up if she has to too. I'm sure PG can give me a few outfit ideas if I don't decide on something soon."
"I would make sure to be specific when telling Garcia what look you're going for." Hotch said in a playfully warning tone. "You know what she's like."
"Oh, I will!" Emily laughed. "I haven't forgotten the cat-suit she got me to wear last year."
Neither have I, a voice in Hotch's mind said as an image of Emily in a very tight, leather cat-suit flashed in his mind. "Are you still living at JJ's?" Hotch asked once the waiter had left them with their food, his presence putting a pause on the conversation. "Or have you found your own place?" He tried to ask while keeping his voice as emotionless as possible. He knew very well that Emily still hadn't found her own place – more worryingly she hadn't even expressed an interest in doing so. Some would mark it off as a sign of severe procrastination, Hotch on the other-hand knew what it really meant. He had experienced something similar when Haley had moved back into their family home and he out of it. In his case, he put off finding an apartment for a long time because he didn't want to find a new home. His house with Haley and Jack was his home – the only home he wanted. Buying a new apartment, even just looking for one, was as much the same as signing his divorce papers in way of ending his marriage. In Emily's case, Hotch feared it meant she wasn't completely sure about her place in on the team, and in her current life. He worried that she is putting off finding a new apartment, finding a new home, because she isn't fully sure if DC is where she wants to be anymore. Her bright smiles and humorous jokes may fool the others into thinking she's healing, or already whole, but he knows better. He knows what Emily is like, because he is the same. Put on a brave face. That's what his mother used to always tell him. That's what people like himself and Emily do – they pretend to the world that all is well, but in reality everything is crashing down around them.
"Uh… Still at JJ's." Emily replied, a little surprised by the question. She wasn't sure why she is surprised though – this is Hotch after-all. Asides from JJ, he's the only person who has asked about her time among the living dead. He's blunt, to the point, and never lets anything go – all part of the reason she adores him. Although 'adores' seems like a little girly in describing her feelings towards Hotch, She mentally snorted to herself. She watched in silence as Hotch continued to ignore the food in front of him, staring at her – waiting for her explanation as to why she hasn't yet found a new home. Typical Hotch. "Are you dressing up this year? Rumour had it last year you would be dressing up as Captain Jack. Needless to say we were all disappointed when you turned up casual!" Emily joked in effort to steer the conversation back to Halloween instead of her reasons for not finding a new apartment. Because she knew her reasons would not impress Hotch. He had risked his life and career – which are almost one in the same – to ensure her safety. He had graciously accepted all negativity and harsh words from Morgan and Reid on the topic of her faked death, too. If she were to turn around and tell him that the reason she hadn't started looking for a new apartment is because she wasn't completely sure if she wanted to be in DC or the BAU anymore, it might just be a slap to his face. After everything he has done for her, the last thing she wants to do is to be ungrateful.
"Mmmm. Considering a costume." Hotch nodded quietly, finally tucking into the pizza before him that did nothing to tempt him. "It's a buyer's market, you know." He pressed on, but not forcefully.
"Hard to get mortgages approved though." Emily argued back softly, happy that – for now – Hotch isn't pushing the subject too hard. "Any ideas for costumes?"
"Jack suggested Robin." Hotch smiled as he met Emily's eyes for one of the first times that evening. Those beautiful brown orbs. "I'm not sold on the idea, though. I'm thinking FBI Agent, I have all the accessories." He added sarcastically.
"Thinking outside the box." Emily chuckled, rolling her eyes at his almost awful sense of humour. "Well, if you're still stuck, Captain Jack could work this year." She suggested. "Or Robin could be good too. Especially if it made Jack smile."
"I'm not too keen on the idea of being Jack's assistant." Hotch replied after a moment. "I'll keep it in mind though. Jack's looking forward to seeing you again." Hotch commented, taking note of the surprise written on Emily's face. Something he admired about her is the fact that she never realises how much of an impression she makes on people. After the first time she met Jack, Jack had been a little in love with her. She has that effect on most people, young and old. It's one of the reasons she's such a good Agent – she's trustworthy and reliable. Hotch believes that's why Morgan and Reid are hurting so badly over Emily's faked death and years working with Doyle. Of them all, she had been the least likely to be keeping secrets.
"I… Didn't think he'd remember me." Emily said honestly. "I've only met him a handful of times."
"You made quite the impression with your smiley-faced pancakes." Hotch replied as he thought back to the morning Emily had been in his apartment to make them breakfast. It wasn't long after Haley's death, so seeing such joy on his son's face had been a rare enough occurrence to carve it into Hotch's memory for life. "He always has to have smiling faces on his pancakes now."
Emily blushed slightly at Hotch's words. To hear him speak so fondly about one of their memories – especially one from such a painful time for him – made her stomach flutter. This response she put down to the fact that he is the only member of the team – asides JJ and Dave – who have actively been welcoming towards her since her return. "I… Didn't think he'd remember…" Emily shook her head slowly. "I'm glad he likes smiling pancakes though." She chuckled softly. She wondered briefly if Hotch had told Jack about her death and subsequent return from the grave known as Paris.
"I didn't tell Jack, if that's what you're wondering." Hotch said after finishing another slice of pizza. He could see the wheels in Emily's head turning and knew what she was thinking. "In my mind, you were coming home. It wasn't a wish or a hope. We were going to catch Doyle, and we were going to bring you home. I didn't think there was much point upsetting Jack by telling him you had 'died'." He said seriously, knowing his words were making an impact on Emily, but not knowing just how big an impact.
"Thanks, Hotch." Emily said quietly as she desperately tried to blink back the moisture gathering in her eyes. "For everything." Hearing him talk about bringing her home; it made her feel like at least one person wants her back.
The conditioned response in Hotch told him to tell her not to worry about it, or to forget it. But that isn't appropriate now. Even though he needed no thanks or appreciation from her over the decisions he had made, it isn't what she wanted to hear. Or needed to hear. Hotch understood that Emily needs to know that he is aware of her feelings on the situation. She needs for him to know how thankful she is. So telling her not to worry about it would just be brushing off the appreciation. Brushing off what she really needs. "Anytime, Emily." Hotch replied sincerely after a few silent moments. "You know that the team, that I, would do anything to ensure your safety. Despite how Morgan and Reid are reacting to your return, they are honestly happy and relieved that you're alive."
"I know." Emily lied, brushing off Hotch's last sentence. He didn't know how Morgan or Reid were feeling. He could hazard a guess, but he didn't really understand their feelings. Emily is all too aware that both Morgan and Reid would be happier if she hadn't returned. They were finally settling back into a normal life and routine when she had come back from the dead.
"Do you?" Hotch asked her seriously. Emily generally has good judgement, but right now her thoughts and emotions are being guided by her strong sense of guilt and shame over the situation. Not to mention her PTSD. Right now, Emily Prentiss is not at full form. Although strong, her mind isn't a strong as it once was, and her compartmentalization skills not fully operational. "Do you know that right now they are thinking with their hearts and not their heads?"
"Hotch…" Emily began but he very quickly silenced her.
"I don't think that now is the time or place to have an in-dept discussion…" or argument he wanted to add. "… about what Reid and Morgan are feeling. But you should know that their emotions are guiding their physical and verbal responses to your return. When the shock is gone, their rational sides will guide them. It just takes time." He added in a softer tone, noticing the frustration written on Emily's face. He had pushed the conversation a little too far, and a little too deep tonight. That's okay though, he is still trying to get a feeling for what will or won't push her too far.
"Mmmm." Is the only reply Emily offered Hotch as they both stood and put on their coats. "Thank you for suggesting getting food." Emily finally broke the silence after Hotch had paid their bill – on his insistence. "I was starving."
"Me too." Hotch replied as he stepped out into the cold night, pulling his coat a little tighter around his body. He could tell that Emily is now a little suspicious of his actions, but it didn't matter. Over time she would come to realise that he's just trying to help.
AN2. So, some might think that characterisation is a little different to what Canon Hotch and Emily are like. In this story I'm trying to get across that Emily is suffering from PTSD and it's effecting not only how she feels the team now see her, but how she sees herself. I'm trying to keep to the strength of Canon Emily Prentiss, but in this story her insecurities are going to creep in (mostly she just keeps it to herself though which I think is canon!). As for Hotch, in this fiction (key word!) he's had feelings for Emily for a quite some time – in my head since before Haley's death. He never thought he would act upon them but her brush with death has spurred him on to try and develop their friendship in attempt to help her settle back into a normal life, and to try and bring a bit of brightness to his own. At this point in the fic, he doesn't realistically see himself in a romantic relationship with Emily, but his feelings for her are what push him to be there for her. Romance comes later – unbeknownst to them both!