Silent Hill 2: Restless Parody
Hello, sorry for not updating recently, been busy and my machine died about a week before September. Well here's part 2 of my parody, enjoy.
A/N: Sorry again, I wrote this chapter a while back, after a long period of file and disk handling, I am now back in business with my writing. Enjoy the chapter!
Chapter 2: Walking with stupid
When we last left James, the world's foremost idiot, he had just encountered the first of the many horrors of Silent Hill. Following a clue and my guidance for dummies, James headed for the Apartment complex, will he find a clue to Mary's whereabouts, will he act like a moron, will he ever understand anything? Not really, yes and no.
James: I smell no waffles, drat!
(James said as he entered the apartments and looked about in the dark dank room. He spotted a map and took it to help find his way around the place. He then tried the hallway door in front of him.)
James: It's locked.
(Wow, thanks for stating the obvious, moron. He headed up stairs and into the second floor corridors.)
James: I'VE GONE BLIND!
Me: It's just dark, dumbass!
James: oo b Oh.
(He heads into the middle hallway and into the room by the bars, he takes the keys and heads into the room on the left of the left hallway of the second floor door. He enters and gets the flashlight, plus encounters the first mannequin monster.)
James: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH Freaky!
(Bashes the monster to death.)
Mannequin: XX
(James leaves; meanwhile a figure appears and drags the mannequin's body off. James heads to the third floor and retrieves the gun from the cart then attempts to get the key.)
James: There's a key on the other side, I think I should reach for it. Reach for it? Yes? No? Yes. Weird
(Reaches for key but its kicked out of reach and a little girl stomp on his hand.)
Girl: Haha!
James: AGHH! Bitch!
(Shoots at girl but misses. Gives up and leaves back to second floor, he enters and as he walks by the middle hallway.)
Man's voice: EIIIEEEE!
James: OO AHHHHHHHH!
(Ducks like a wuss and pees pants.)
James: What was that?
A scream, duh!
James: Oh.
(He goes to investigate, he sees an ominous red figure behind the bars, and it causes the radio to go nuts. James watches in horror, pee shooting from him anime style think "Ultimate Muscle" James then enters the room and finds it's occupant dead, impaled through the head.)
James: EWWWW! It's all over the TV and the floor… Icky.
(He then searches the room and then leaves, entering the room with the butterflies and that freaky 'thump noise' He gets the 'Clock key'. He takes it back to the dead man's room and opens the door to the clock's hands', he adjust the time until a 'click' is made and pushes the clock to one side, he then enters the hole and takes the stairs up to the third floor.)
James: AHHH! Weird straightjacket monster-thing! DIE! Shoots Patient monster in the hall
(He enters the room with the freaky noise and is witness to the Pyramid Head's rape of the mannequin monsters, 70's porno music plays in back ground. James freaks and hides in closet, he sees a radio emitting the music and smashes it. PH looks around in confusion.)
PH: Ah man, I need that music to get my freak on.
(PH looks around by the closet, but possibly due to his helmet that thing must be a nuisance to see through or just plain stupidity, he opens the small slot on his masks and 'breaths'. James, with anime piss jetting from pants, shoots at PH a few dozen times, until he runs.)
PH: Now with British accent Damn tourist! Can't have a good shag while they run about.
(PH leaves, muttering about…"stuff".)
James: I few cold around my legs.
(James sees the Pool key and takes it, he exits the room and gets to the barred area of the third floor, he takes the key and then uses the emergency stairwell and returns to the ground floor and enters the hallway to the pool. He looks around and picks up the soda, then goes to the courtyard where the pool is, he enter the pool area and see the monsters playing about.)
Patient monster #1: Marco!
Patient monster #2&3: Polo!
James: Not noticing their game Eww, that's just as nasty as a baby Ruth in the pool.
Patient Monster #2: That joke referring to 'Caddyshack' is so old.
James: Ignoring the comment like an idiot Hey can I play?
Patient Monster #3: Sure, but we want to play something new.
James: Cool, how about Russian Roulette?
Patient Monsters: SURE!
#1: Me first!
(Takes the gun from James, don't ask how, it just does, and shoots self in head. The others act like nothing happened and proceeded to accidentally commit suicide.)
James: My turn Points gun to his head Naw, it's no fun without anyone else to play with. Hey look I found a coin, yeah!
(Picks up the coin in the stroller, he then enters the other doors and miraculously shoots the monsters after wasting half his ammo. He enters the room on the right and finds the body in the fridge.)
James: Hmm, reminds me of how I used to cool off during the summer, 'cept I wasn't dead and jammed in there.
Heaving sound then puking
James: Cool, must be a frat party in the next room.
(He enters and comes face to asscrack with a fatass man.)
James: Hey there, you ok?
Fatass: I didn't do it, he was like that! I didn't put that thong and negligée on him, honest.
James: Hey it's alright, did that Red Pyramid thing scare you too?
Fatass: Red Pyramid no, I just ran because 'he' came after me.
James: Oh well, nice to meet I'm James.
Fatass: I'm Eddie, pleased to meet ya, now if you don't mind, I need to take a piss.
James: Ok, see ya, watch out for monsters.
(James leaves and searches the Apartments further; he eventually comes across Angela looking in the mirror.)
Angela: Posing Damn I wish my ass was bigger, and maybe my boobs too. I should check out that mall in the town over for some better clothes.
(She doesn't realize James is there, staring at her ass again. Suddenly she realizes and falls to the floor, in the position she's in during the actual cutscene.)
Angela: Oh, it's you.
James: Hey there, did you find who your looking for?
Angela: No, how about you?
James: Me neither takes out picture of Mary Her names Mary, she died three years ago from an overdose of pot.
Angela: Died?
James: Don't get me wrong, I'm not crazy, maybe a little high, but not crazy. I just feel like there's something to find here. Did your mother live here?
Angela: Angry How did you know? Did the Leuprecan in the toilet tell you?
James: Pisses pants I just guessed, did she?
Angela: Calm again Yeah, but I just can't find her.
James: Well, I wish you luck.
(Angela turns to leave.)
James: Do you think I can have that knife?
Angela: Why, do you think I'll hurt my self, or maybe use it to kill a midget.
James: No, I just think it'll be better if I take it.
(Angela holds it out to James, he reaches for it.)
Angela: ME NO WANNA PLAY WITH THE DOGGY!
(She holds the knife menacingly; James curls into a ball, piss jetting all over.)
Angela: I'm sorry, I get a little nutty when I'm constipated. She runs off
James: I feel cold.
(He takes the knife, then searches around more; he goes back to the room entered from the first building. He examines the toilet.)
James: Talking to self Hmm, seems to be something in there. Reach in? Yes? No?
Yes.
(He reaches in.)
James: Hmm. Sheep baas Nope. Car horn No. Women yelps Woah! Flatulence Aha Begins to pull out something
(His hand emerges, holding a little man.)
Leuprecan of the toilet: I'm the magical Leuprecan of the toilet. I will grant you a wish!
James: Cooly!
Leuprecan: What is your wish, o' mighty pothead dipstick?
James: I want…. Some weed!
Leuprecan: Alrighty then.
(He makes pot appear, James and him smoke till they're stoned like hell. Even Pyramid Head and Samael join in.)
Samael: Dude, like, my hand is so, huge!
James: I know, hey, all your guys' heads are floating around on strings.
PH: I'm so f&# stoned, I can't even remember my initials.
Leuprecan: Humping safe in the living room of apartment Gold! Gold! Gold! etc
Five hours later
Samael: Coming out of buzz Oh sht, I've got to get ready for a girl whose pregnant with me, see ya.
PH: Yeah well, I've got to go get ready to attack you in the basement.
Leuprecan: XX Jumped out window when he thought he saw Tinkerbell calling him to 'take her'
James: Man that was a good trip.
Me: Appears, lightning flashes and the glass freezes Seeing as how you were 'busy' I took the liberty of finding the other coins, collecting any ammo and opened the needed doors, now get your ass to floor 1 and fight PH!
James: Yes giant talking gerbil, sir! Salutes, then runs off
Me: Oo?
(James enters the first floor and encounters Pyramid Head, inflating balloon of a monster.)
James: AGGGGGGGHHH! Pisses pants
PH: Hey! Drops the balloon, it flies around, deflating Hey, you're the jerk who ruined my mojo in the other room!
James: No I didn't, that was my evil clone.
PH: Oh, ok then. Hey, do you think I'm stupid?
James: Well you are wearing the world biggest and probably heaviest helmet.
PH: That's it, your going down, bitch!
James: Yelps, pisses pants more
(PH chases James around, who, after I slapped him silly a few times, fires at him, after a while.)
PH: I got ya now.
James: Fires once more at PH
PH: Ahhh! Begins to cry You don't play nice!
(He runs into the flooded stairwell, after he leaves, the water drains and James leaves.)
James: To the tune of "We're off to see the Wizard" I'm to find my Mary, my wonderful pothead wife! Because, because, because, of the wonderful things she hullionates!
Me: Don't even ask.
To be continued in ep.3: "Sexy look-a-likes, bowling and, nurses"
Please review and I will give you a free James doll; he even comes with his own bong for smoking pot!