Still flirting with the idea of rating it M.

This is not work appropriate. :D

I own nothing, rated T for swearing, mild crude humor, and possible innuendo.

Now get to reading! :P

The Art of Tongue in Cheek

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So…yeah. I didn't know there were isolation chambers in the tower. That would have been a helpful piece of information to have before my fight with Meghan. Don't get me wrong, it wouldn't have stopped me from scratching her conniving little eyes out, I just would have planned it better. I think of this only as I am being dragged toward one of the said isolation rooms down the hall near the Templar quarters.

This sucks.

The Templar's grip is hurting my arm and I can't stop stumbling. They were awfully quick for a walking suit of armor. A little stuck up too. Templars are mean men. The worst part is the guy keeps looking back at me angrily. I could feel bad about starting a fight, but I don't. The wench had it coming!

Well he unceremoniously just threw me into the room. I brush off the dust that has now coated my hind-quarters and I peer around the room. It certainly doesn't get points for style as it is a ten foot by ten foot square stone room. On dim lamp that looks like it is about to expire from old age and a small bed. I sit on the bed and pull the rough pillow up to my nose. Sniff.

Surprising…it's clean. I make a face at the wall. This is completely unfair! I should never have gotten out of my own bed this morning. I should have laid there blissfully unaware about the goings-on. My stomach gurgles at me. Hm. I should have eaten breakfast too. Because of my sufferings, I blame Meghan for that as well.

Now…What am I supposed to do about the rumors? I flick a piece of lint off the bed in disinterest. My fingers tap on the bed over and over. I could try to counter-act them with rumors of my own, but that is hard to do and a bit messy. People will usually believe the first thing they hear with certainty, and the next with contempt.

I could throw myself off the tower, but I wouldn't be able to get the windows open, or up onto the roof for that to be effective. Also, they might say that I killed myself for love. IT has a catchier ring to it than 'I died to shut you up'.

I suppose I could try to just ignore them. However, I have quite a temper so that might not work in the long run anyway. Ignoring it seemed like a much more viable option. I could volunteer to be tranquil. Still that didn't sit well with me either. I like my feelings. I also like laughing. Neither of which seem enjoyable right now.

Ugh. I was going to have to face Irving. Damn, damn, and double damn! I am whining in my head about the fact that he of all people should understand how vexing this place can be. Oh! I can claim temporary vexation! Much better then temporary possession as I get to keep my head. Bonus!

Hey… where is my staff? I groan because I don't remember what I did with it between hunting down Meghan and the fight. Those Templars had better not have broken it. I glare sullenly at the shadow of two feet right in front of the door. I can see only a sliver of light from the outside hall. Stupid dim lamp. Stupid Templar. Stupid Meghan. Stupid rumors.

When I get out of her I'm going to- Uh-oh someone is coming. I stand up abruptly.

The door swings open quickly and I shy my eyes away from the sudden burst of light. Insensitive buffoons! My precious eyes! The pain the light caused had my eyes watering. The world is swimming in a haze of tears.

"Oh Child." Well….crap. It's Irving. I thought I had more time for this little chat. Think fast Solona! Think curse you!

"Fi-First Enchanter?" Yep. I am a master at conversation. I know, I know. My sultry voice is astounding.

He sighed. I can't tell if that is an 'alright this is a youthful indiscretion' sigh or an 'I am going to bring down magey-wrathy doom' sigh. For reasons I am sure you already know, I'm hoping for the first one.

"Apprentice Amell." Hm. Stern voice. Yep I'm screwed. That's ok I had a good rung. I said good and not long because this really blows to be only 18 and about to die. Well, no need to worry about the rumors! Hey, I bet they even have horses in the eternal fade! Why didn't I try this sooner? Oh yeah…I DON'T WANT TO DIE!

Oops. He's looking at me. Blast it! I bet he said something or asked something when I was too busy rambling in my head. Think; you are in a lot of trouble. This means they are most likely yes or no questions because Irving hates to hear excuses. Well, the most likely thing is for me to admit that I am wrong, so…"Yes." There. Now this whole mess is over.

"Yes?" Irving looks like his eyes are about to pop out of his head. Alright, so I should have gone with 'no'. "I couldn't believe it when I heard! But to have you stand here and say 'Yes' with such certainty and faith is heart-warming," Irving chuckled and I am more confused. Uh… What are we talking about?

I smile and nod. Really there is nothing to be done without putting my foot more in my mouth. Smile and nod, smile and nod Solona. I am still blinking back my watery eyes. Irving is looking at me with some sort of compassion in his eyes.

'…'

Well this is exceedingly awkward.

"Solona." Irving said after a moment. "Now that the matter of your Harrowing is settled."

Wait..What? My Harrowing? I missed the part about my harrowing! Fantastic job girl! Oh no mister demon, I don't need you to hunt me, here have me wrapped in a pretty little package! I even come with a bow!

This is indeed the worst day of my life.

"Are you in love with the Templar Cullen?" His eyes are searching mine. I have already told you that no one will believe me even if I protest to the high heavens. No one will ever listen to the denials and my reputation is already in shreds. A dozen babies indeed; I rant inside my head in disgust.

"First Enchanter..." I start. Hm. Well I was looking for a way to end this. "The truth is," I look at him and biting my lip I think. If I just admit to it…the rumors would go away. Meghan would have no ammunition. Cullen had already let me down and everyone knew about it. I could potentially skip a few classes out of 'heart-break'. It wouldn't hurt Cullen any, so there was no harm. It's a win-win situation! I snap my gaze back to Irving.

"First Enchanter." I start again. With a lot of conviction and warble my voice a bit. No sense in doing this in half measures. "The truth is that I am, in fact, hopelessly, desperately, and forever will be in love with the Templar Cullen." Irving's eyes are wider than I have ever seen them.

Aww… that was poetic on my part. I clasped my hands to my sides and tilted my head down. I caution myself not to over-do this. It will be in my best interest to make it believable.

Then the sound of a loud crash turned my head. My mood is as black as a cave in midnight as the sight that greets me.

An entire squad of Templars is standing out in the hall. You have got to be kidding me. A whole squad? There were five that were standing and one that had fallen to the ground. Hm. I forgot to check and see if there was anyone behind Irving. Oh well. It isn't like the rumors could get any worse. Oh the curious embrace of indifference.

One of the other men is trying to rouse the fallen Templar. I am filled with embarrassment and dread. There is one thought that plays in my head. Why would a random Templar faint at the admission of a mage's love for fellow Templar? I'm not stupid, I know they wouldn't. Damnation! That means…

"Ser Cullen? Ser Cullen!" The other Templar is shaking him. I groan. That man was everywhere! Didn't he have a life? I haven't ever seen him leave his post terribly often. Today however, it was like he was stuck to me by some invisible rope! Maker's ass hairs! This day couldn't get any worse.

Irving is sputtering, the other Templars are watching me intently, and I strive for another topic of conversation. The damage is already done. Well I hope the poor guy doesn't have nightmares or get teased too much for this. Why was he even here? Oh well, that is a question for later.

"So, you were saying about my harrowing?" I blink innocently up at Irving.

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Huh. The harrowing is sort of…well… not harrowing, that's for sure. If you want harrowing, try being in a room full of men that just heard your acted out confession for one of their ranks. That my friend is harrowing! Having to see their faces, because helms must be removed during a harrowing so that they others may know when one is enthralled, is harrowing.

The Demon blinking up at me as a mouse… not impressed. Oh sure he is convincing enough with his talk about being lost during his harrowing and how he was cut down because he took too long. I might have believed that. Might have. Then I knew he was a demon when he started telling me we both could escape and how I could save him. Sure friend. Whatever you say.

Now, I am not a genius… at least not in everything (as it does do well to be humble), but a random man surviving all alone in the fade but acts like my shadow could jump out and eat him? Really hard to believe that part when he claims to have been here a long time. Like I said, I am not a genius, but 6 and 6 doesn't equal 56.

So…he's a demon. I just haven't exactly figured out which one. I doubt he is a desire demon because he is pretty ugly to me. I mean 'stop and stare for a minute' ugly. So it is a safe bet on it not being a desire demon. I don't think he's a hunger demon because he hasn't started running around bellowing about how he is going to eat me. Yes, I find it odd too that hunger demons do that, but they do. He doesn't seem very wrathful or angry about his predicament because he acts more like a five your old that has wet his small clothes in public.

Well we already met a Sloth demon. Wow, I thought the descriptions of Sloth demons were an exaggeration. Holy Maker! What a bunch a lazy little demonic asses! He threatened to eat me if I didn't get his riddles. Can you imagine? Well they were stupidly easy riddles anyway and so as part of our bargain, which I have no idea why I struck in the first place; 'Mouse' learned to change into a bear.

Lame.

I solved the riddles; I should be the one that gets transformation powers. Why wasn't it an option that I get to learn the fade shifting? Couldn't tell you, but I am pissed. I glare at mouse as we walk pass the spirit of Valor. Nice spirit by the way. He gave me a staff and everything after we had a duel. It wouldn't be a stretch to say I respect Valor.

I don't trust 'Mouse'. I know better than to make deals in the Fade.

But because 'Mouse' is still moving around I am willing to concede that he isn't that he isn't a sloth demon. Therefore, by my astounding process of elimination, he is a pride demon. Oh excellent! I have heard that sarcasm doesn't become me, but they can shove it where the Maker split them for all I care.

I am battling the demon that 'Mouse' fears so terribly. It is not a hard battle exactly, but I am not a power or destruction mage. In short, I really don't have a lot of attack spells. I have glyphs that I use instead. Glyphs of warding can be really helpful but I usually need allies for that. So I stick to a Glyph of repulsion. I knock the angry demon down once or twice and I attack him with the staff that Valor gave me. IT is not a long fight, but it is more taxing than I gave it credit for.

I won, in case you didn't guess already.

Then 'Mouse' is sprouting off some drivel about coming back with me. I laugh.

"I'm not stupid. You are no mouse. You are no man. What you are…" I gave him my best pinning stare "Is a demon."

"Wh-What? A demon? I – I am not!" You seriously expect me to believe that?

"That," I pointed to where the other demon had died. "Was not my test. You are."

Uh…He's huge. Andraste's sagging bosom! 'Mouse' is freaking enormous. I can't help the look of shock that crosses my face. He starts rambling on about pride and preconceptions…but he huge! How in the name of the Fade did he change his size? If demons actually do require sustenance in order to exist, he must be a big eater.

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Then the air leaves my lungs and I am opening my eyes. My head hurts. Where is everyone? I can't see very well. I feel heavy and sleepy. I like sleep.

Then sound returns to my ears.

"…Fastest Harrowing I have ever seen…" Well when you put it that way…

"…Simply amazing…" Oh stop you're making me blush.

"…Cullen take her to her room…" Eh? Are you out of your sodding mind? Do none of you remember that rumors of him and I being 'involved'? Don't you touch me! Hey! I am not a sack of grain Ser! I may not be able to fight you but…oh he's warm…I will zap your sorry Templar tin can…hey he kind of smells nice...hm the rocking is soothing. I think I need more physical contact that doesn't come from a fainting Templar.

I Think we are going down the first flight of steps, don't quote me on that. Maybe my harrowing will blow over the silly stories people have concocted. We make it down the first hall without any problems. Well, except that some strands of my hair are caught in Cullen's armor and it pulls every time he takes a step. There is a lot of walking involved when going anywhere in the tower.

Did I already state that it is the most ridiculously constructed tower in the realm? I did? Good. I will state it again then.

The second set of stairs jars me, but I still can't open my eyes. That really took it out of me. I was alright to just be carried to bed. No worries and no thoughts about the ruined rest of my life.

That is, until we passed the chapel, which as usual, destroyed everything. I can't tell you who was talking and I don't want to know because if I had possessed the strength too, I would have beaten them against the statute of Andraste. Face first.

"It's Cullen and that mage!" Yes. Just scream it out why don't you? Whose bright idea was it for Cullen of all people to carry me down? Who?

"Oh they look so sweet together." Uh…I am uncomfortable now. Cullen walk faster.

"Shh! A Templar and a… mage could never be." Say my classification like a curse again when I have my strength back you tart! I'll mage your ass to the four corners of Fereldan.

"I overheard" one of them said quickly. "Her and the mage that prays everyday talking about him once."

Cullen…why are you slowing down? Also, you are a liar! I hardly ever spoke to her and we never talked about him. Never!

"Well go on! What did she say?" An eager and excited half-whisper urged.

"Solona was going on about how wonderful Cullen was!" Why are you girls sighing? This is not a damn fairytale! He and I are the victims of a hooker-bitch! Stop doing this to me Maker! I only cheat at games that don't matter I swear! I am not a bad person! "She said that Cullen was the single most amazing man the Maker ever created." Well that is a bit much. I would never say anything close to that even if I was in love with someone. Well this makes it easier. He won't listen to such obvious lies.

Uh...Cullen you're holding me a little tight. He cradles my head a little closer to him. Wow. I am really uncomfortable right now.

"I heard she offered to make herself a tranquil if it meant she was able to be with him." I admit I had thought about being a tranquil, but it had nothing to do with Cullen! This is absolutely insane! These people were worse than the fade demons! Proving, yet again, that religious zealots are evil creatures.

I felt him stop at the last part. Everyone, well just about everyone, hates the idea of being tranquil. To offer for it is seen as madness among the mages and a sacrifice for the greater good among the Templars. I really, really, really, don't want to even guess what is going through the Templar's mind.

Is there a stray arrow somewhere that could come flying in the window, rickety a few times, and pierce me in the heart? That would be lovely. Like right now! Because he just brushed a lock of hair from my face.

"Poor thing! She will wish that they had let her when she wakes." I sense brewing plot lines in my 'tragic love'. "I heard she confessed to him and he cruelly turned her away. Even ask the Second Enchanter! The little dear was sobbing her eyes out." Interesting. Would I get a enough sympathy that people would ask? Excellent! Simply excellent.

"He rejected her? I know it is the Templar duty not to have relations with anyone…but how sad. She must have such an unrequited love for him." Gagging. In my head I am gagging. This was looking so promising a moment ago. It really had been.

Luckily we left that floor because suddenly Cullen was moving as if abominations were after him. Thank the Maker, I don't want to hear another word about this. We are on the mages floor. Third floor…just two more floors and I can curl up into a ball and hide in mortification.

Horror. That is all I feel. Just horror as more strings of conversations float to my already abused ears.

"…She fought with Meghan…" I did. And I whipped her soundly I think.

"...Told her Cullen was with Meghan…" What? Eww! Triple eww! I never want an image of that common prostitute with anyone. The range of diseases she must carry alone is staggering.

Cullen, if you don't stop slowing down for every bit of gossip you hear, I will kill you. We just had a talk this morning about all of this. Well you talked about not feeling a certain way about me. So why are you listening to this? Move man! Make haste!

"…confessed, that she will only love him…" Wynne? Is that you? You crafty old woman! I still adore her but I will maim her along with the others on my ever-growing list of revenge.

"…Grey Warden…" Meh? What was that? Someone said Grey Warden! There was one here in the tower?

"…Irving said they want recruits…" Sweet baby Andraste! The Grey wardens were recruiting? I want to jump for joy. Sign me up! Get me out of here! I will do whatever you want me to. Huh…that sounded dirty. Ha ha. That was dirty.

Seriously though. When I am to my full potential again I am going to try and get recruited. If they are not here in the Tower I will go find them. Then, I can get away from this rumor-mill and live my own life. Far away from tales of how I 'burn with eternal love' for Cullen. I still know nothing about the man!

Who could believe such idiocy?

My mind is turning a thousand ways at once and I don't hear anything else around me. I feel Cullen set me down and the yelp as the hair that was caught in his armor yanks out of my scalp. I think I have a bald spot now. This day just gets better and better.

The weight shifts on my bed. What is going-…?

…

…..

…..

Cullen just kissed my cheek.

…

…

…

I will sprint to the Grey Warden's as fast as my legs can carry me. I swear it. Just, let me catch a few moments of sleep.