Chapter two

Remorse

The following day was no better.

I had stayed out most of the night, enjoying the peace and solitude of the mountain forest, hoping to avoid Esme's inevitable questions. I had watched the sun begin to rise over the eastern skyline, casting red glowing patterns across the sky, before deciding I had to return or they would be sending out a search party and that would make matters worse.

And I still hadn't made a decision.

I had toyed with the idea of visiting Tanya and her sisters on the other side of the National Forest but decided against it because I didn't think it would help to see Tanya while I was half-inclined to give myself up to her relentless advances. Besides, she would have been told that we were leaving the area and I wasn't in the mood for goodbyes, nor did I want her pity or anxiety over it. I had enough of my own without adding anyone elses.

The sun was bright again today. Great! Another day stuck indoors avoiding my family. As I approached the house I could hear Carlisle asking Alice and Jasper if they had encountered me last night on their hunting trip. "No, we didn't, but don't worry, Edward will be back in thirty seconds," she announced cheerfully.

"Well I am worried, and so is Esme," Carlisle told her. "Edward is so against a return to Forks. I fear he may not join us."

"He will," Alice replied without any hesitation. I could picture the self-satisfied grin on her face as she said this and it just made me grimace. Normally Alice's cheeriness could lift me out of the doldrums but today it was just irritating.

I passed Alice on the stairs and barely acknowledged her, chastising myself immediately for being so rude.

As I reached the top step I heard my name in her thoughts. Edward!

I swung around instinctively and shot her an annoyed glare, which she chose to ignore, still wearing her cheerful smile, her head cocked on one side slightly. You should speak to Esme; she's worried silly about you. Please Edward. I know you will do the right thing. You know you are coming with us, so just admit it and get it over and done with. Then you can stop being so miserable.

I turned my back on her, after giving her half a smile and continued to my room, shutting the door firmly behind me.

How could she be so sure I when I hadn't decided yet? Normally Alice's visions were based on the decisions people made. I didn't have to ponder this for long because it finally dawned on me. Of course! My subconscious had already made the decision. I was just being rebellious and forcing my conscious thoughts to consider alternatives. Had I not actually decided last night that Tanya was not suitable as a life-time partner, had I not decided it was a bad idea to visit her right now? Had I not realised that leaving the family would cause too much pain, more pain than I could bear to inflict on them?

This was why Alice hadn't been able to see any of my doubtful deliberations, because they hadn't really existed. I wasn't normally this slow, and I berated myself for not figuring this out before. I could have saved myself a lot of bother, but I had been distracted somewhat. I accepted the inevitable with heavy heart, but was relieved I didn't have to spend any more time agonising over it.

I could hear the discussions taking place elsewhere in the house. Carlisle and Esme were planning another trip to Forks to finalise details with the hospital and to register us with the school. Rosalie was going with them so she could help Esme with the plans for the refurbishment. Emmet was going too so he could check out the hunting. Alice and Jasper were dispatched to Seattle to see Mr Jenks, the forger who was to provide us with the necessary documentation; passports, driving licences etc. Everyone was involved in some detail of the planning, except for me.

I could hear Esme's worried thoughts louder than most, probably because I was feeling remorseful and knew I couldn't put off speaking to her for much longer, but I wasn't ready just yet to admit I had been wrong, and selfish; I wasn't ready to commit to the inevitable.

I therefore spent most of the day skulking in my room avoiding direct contact with anyone. I may as well have put a sign on the door saying DO NOT DISTURB because no-one bothered me. But I could hear Esme's worried thoughts louder and more penetrating even than Rosalie's insults and decided I would put her out of her misery later. Just a few more hours of solitude and I would put things right. I was causing her pain simply by absenting myself, and as much as I wanted to be miserable, I didn't want to make her miserable in the process.

Alice and Jasper returned later that evening with the documents we would all need. Jasper was sent up to give me mine. I knew why Alice had done this. Jasper, normally a man of few words, was the only one who had the ability to soften my mood, not by any vocal exchange, but because he had a special skill which made him able to influence the feelings of others.

"Thanks," I muttered as Jasper passed me the offending document. He hovered near the doorway and nodded.

"You know, you really should speak to Esme, she's suffering Edward," He suggested.

I looked down at my feet. I was aware of this and knew it was the right thing to do, "Huh, you too!" I grunted and then I felt his anxiety washing over me and pangs of guilt flooded through me. "I know Jazz, I will. I Promise."

Jasper didn't linger, he knew I would fulfil my promise. He sensed my remorse and knew that I would do the right thing eventually.

I groaned when I looked at my new passport. Edward Anthony Cullen, it read. Date of birth 20th November 1977. So, I was fifteen again. Sixteen in a couple of months time. I didn't even have a drivers licence. Of course, I knew Carlisle would have obtained one for when I reached the correct age, which was only a few months away, but for now I was officially too young to drive, even though I was actually over a hundred years old. I glanced at the picture of me inside and wondered how anyone could possibly believe the face staring back at me was of someone just short of their sixteenth birthday.

I groaned again as I imagined my first day in my new school. I pictured the gawping, the nudges, the whispers, the inane curiosity, the rumours and then the inevitable flirtatious thoughts. As if we didn't look out of place enough with our perfect unblemished pale skin, our beauty, our amber eyes and our graceful fluid movements, but I also knew I would be head and shoulders above the rest of the boys. Who were we kidding? I couldn't pass for a fifteen year old boy, not in physical stature or in intellect. I shook my head sadly, threw the passport on the bed in disgust and glided downstairs to speak to Esme. I knew where to find her; I just followed her troubled thoughts.

Esme was in the garden tending to her roses. She sensed my approach and turned with her hands outstretched to welcome me. "Ah Edward," she smiled. Thank you, I have been so worried.

The sight of her radiant smile dissolved my anger. "I'm sorry Esme. I have been really thoughtless and selfish," I offered, trying to put on a brave smile. I absent-mindedly flattened a tuft of grass that was sticking out above the rest and then picked up a stone that had strayed onto the lawn and tossed it back on to the gravel drive.

"I know it is hard for you Edward, harder than for the rest." I know the wolves were just an excuse and you really don't want to go through the charade of high school again .I understand you so well, more than you think.

I nodded. "It becomes harder each time."

"Maybe this time it will be different, maybe you will find someone?" It would make me so happy if you did.

"It's not about that, and anyway, how?" I asked, "Forks is too heavily guarded to allow any travelling vampires to stray into our territory." Forks is the last place on earth to meet the future Mrs Cullen. Besides, after eighty odd years, I have given up hope.

"There are no wolves in Forks, Edward. Ask Alice. She can't see any either, and Carlisle and I did a thorough search last week. They have gone, and anyway, love will find a way," Esme insisted. I know there is someone special out there somewhere for you Edward.

I shrugged and looked out towards the forest, for no other reason to avert my gaze. My sharp sense of smell isolated a deer that had wandered close by. I wondered at the stupidity of the lonesome animal. Did it not realise that it had wandered into vampire territory? Right now though I wasn't interested in it. My mind was too occupied with my troubled thoughts and the next question Esme was about to ask me, the one that had been on her lips for the last couple of weeks.

"Edward, you are not thinking of leaving us are you?"

I sighed thanking my lucky stars she couldn't read my thoughts, "No Esme, I couldn't put you through that." But I have seriously considered it lately.

She looked a little relieved. "Well, it pains me to see you so unhappy Edward." And I wish I could help, really I do.

"I know that, don't worry about me Esme, I will get over it, I always do." I doubt I will, this time, but I will make an effort to avoid seeing you so unhappy.

Esme gave me one of her heart-warming smiles. I hope so Edward, please try and stay positive.

I tried to return the smile as Esme smothered me in her arms. I think I succeeded, but I was only smiling on the outside. My insides were in a complete turmoil.

We were interrupted by Carlisle returning from the hospital. He hadn't intended to work today but he was anxious to tidy up a few loose ends and ensure all his patients notes were in order before leaving.

He patted me on the shoulder before embracing Esme and giving her a lingering kiss. I averted my gaze, partly to give them some privacy and partly because it was this constant demonstration of love and devotion that was causing me to feel so excluded. No, that wasn't strictly true, I was excluding myself. I was choosing to be miserable and petulant.

I heard Carlisle's thoughts as he eyed his wife with love and tenderness. You are looking a little happier my love. Has Edward put your mind at rest I wonder?

I headed back in to the house, so they could at least pretend to speak about me in private, even though they knew I would be able to hear them.

"Edward isn't leaving us," I heard Esme say to Carlisle. "He had me worried."

"I told you he wouldn't," Carlisle replied.

I headed back up to my room and paused on the landing. I watched from the tall landing window as they embraced and walked back into the house arm in arm. At least she seemed happier. I knew she was still worried about me, but at least I had convinced her I wasn't leaving.

I decided I needed to speak to Alice and double check her theory about the wolves. I had no doubt the wolves had gone for now. There hadn't been vampires in Forks for sixty odd years and so the genetic trait which caused them to phase would have diminished. I did not share everyone else's belief though that they wouldn't return. Carlisle seemed convinced that the treaty would still be in place and we would be trusted from the out-set.

I remained statuesque on the landing for a while, watching dusk turn to night; the ever changing colours of the evening slowly turning to a deep indigo. I felt a rush of wind as Rosalie flew by, her angry thoughts shouting at me. Have you finished being a jerk yet? You aren't the only one who doesn't want to graduate again, you know. At least the rest of us aren't wallowing in self-pity. Grow up! I ignored her as usual and allowed myself a little half-smile, trying to remember the last time Rosalie had thought something pleasant about me.

Another few minutes passed by and then Jasper joined me on the landing, on his way downstairs, and just whispered, "Thanks." He patted me on the shoulder and disappeared. This meant Alice was now alone in her room. I picked out her thoughts from all the others in the house, confirming she was indeed alone. She was browsing the internet for designer clothing stores in Washington.

I knocked hesitantly on the door of Alice and Jasper's room, still not entirely sure why I was doing it, but a part of me wanted to have a glimpse into the future, Alice style. I knew her visions were limited but it was the best we could go on for the moment.

"Come in Edward!" She called out excitedly. "I saw you coming," she added, beaming at me as I poked my head around the door.

"I'm not interrupting, am I?" I asked, knowing I was, but failing to see the importance of designer clothing shops when there was so much else at stake.

"Oh, it's nothing that can't wait," she confirmed. "I'm just indulging myself a little." She moved over to the bed and sat down, patting the covers beside her indicating me to join her.

I obliged, trying my hardest to force a smile.

"Alice, I..." I began and then she interrupted me

"You want to know about the wolves?" She asked.

"Yes. Esme says you can't see them."

"Nothing at all," she confirmed, still smiling and wandering off into one of her dreamy visions, pulling her eyebrows together in concentration.

"But do you know what you are looking for? You weren't around the last time. Are you sure?" I asked.

"I know what a wolf looks like!" she retorted. And then her expression changed. "Edward..."

"What?" I asked, suddenly aware of the anxious look on her face.

"I don't know...something, I can't tell. I just sense something..."

"What Alice? What is it," I asked impatiently. "Do you see the wolves?"

"No, not wolves." She shook her head vehemently. She was certain of this, obviously.

"Well what then? Alice, it's really important if you can see ..."

"Yes, yes, I know." But she was still staring into space, her eyes darting from left to right. "I'm sorry Edward, it's blank. It's just...danger, or excitement, or a combination, yes, it's a combination of something really exciting, but it will bring danger."

Oh great! And this little discussion was supposed to comfort me. Now I knew we were heading for danger, but I didn't even know what the danger was.

Alice sensed my irritation and reached for my hand. "Maybe it will become clearer once we move there. It is hard for me to see clearly when I don't know the house, or the area, or the school."

"But you have a bad feeling about something?" I pressed her.

"No, not bad Edward. Something good. But, also something not entirely without risk. I'm sorry, I can't be more specific."

I frantically searched her thoughts for more information. Was there something she wasn't telling me? But I was relieved to see she wasn't trying to block me. I could clearly see images of me, smiling, happy and even playful and then pained and worried. But there was nothing else in her thoughts to give me any clues; no other beings, no points of reference.

Clearly something significant would happen in Forks but I had no idea at the moment what to expect. Should I share this with Carlisle I wondered. Would it make any difference? Alice was wondering the same thing and so I just squeezed her hand and shook my head slowly "No, Alice, we will deal with whatever it is when it confronts us. It can't be that bad."

She smiled back and gave me one of her most endearing smiles, "Maybe it will be that good?"