A Legacy Unknown
I...I don't understand it. I don't understand why I am who I am. Why I can't see what other people see in me. Reading through the reviews that people wrote I don't get it! All my life I've felt like an outcast. I've always believed that I was on the sidelines never getting the attention of anybody. That they just passed by, barely even caring about that crazy kid yelling on the corner. And then I read all of this, from everyone, saying that I was more then that. Most of the time I feel like I'm an empty shell. A shell with no meaning, no heart, and no drive. I don't know what happened to criticalkill. I feel like some time ago he died and I missed the funeral. Do I regret not trying to live on? Of course I do! But I've lost it. I've lost the ability to continue anything I wrote. I can't even start anything new. I see it all though. When I close my eyes their worlds seem so close, almost as if they were real. Yet when I open them they disappear. I can no longer embrace who I was, and it's killing me. I could never embrace it, I was too scared.
But no more! I'm tired of hiding it! I want to be able to look people in the eyes and tell them who I am. So yes, when I read all of those reviews my eyes welled. I couldn't believe who I was. I couldn't face the truth. And maybe that was my flaw all along. Maybe I could never truly appreciate who I was. Who I was supposed to be. Or maybe...maybe who I am is wrong. Maybe I've shunned away criticalkill. Maybe I'm the one to blame. I'm confused. I feel like I should continue but there's something stopping me. And if I ever do go back to writing it won't be on criticalkill. I can never live up to what he has done. I'm not him, I'll never be him. I'm...I'm just so lost…
I know that in the past people have disregarded me because I hide these sorts of things as stories. And I know what it has done. It's as if I was the little boy that cried wolf one to many times. But you have to understand, all my life I've felt as if I never belonged in any form of group. I never understood what it felt like to be needed anywhere other than my own family. So whenever I was given the chance to get acknowledgement I took it. And maybe some people just looked and mw and thought I was trying to grab attention. But hear me out, I never meant to make anyone feel sorry for me, or to think that I was anything more than a stranger. I've never know what it feels like to leave and form of impact, and I didn't know what kind of aftershock it would leave.
Those reviews that I got opened my eyes, but that is all. I was serious about not continuing with who I was. I can't, because no matter what it will feel like I just went through living as someone who I could never live up to.
I'm lost on my own decision. Trying to fight for someone that I'm not, and the other side telling me that it's a lost cause. I'm not sure who's winning, but I know this. Ever since I saw what people said, I went backed and looked at all that has happened since then. Not since this was posted, but the day that I found this site. I'm not sure what drove me to click a link on Google that lead to a site called fanfiction, or why me and my friend where arguing over something to do with Star Fox, or if the first story I ever read was done by XxSanitariumxX(That was an eye opener). I don't what drove me to come back to it either. But all throughout my time here I've made a difference. After I posted that last chapter I got a PM from a man by the name of LnCpl. Luke Tamaken. He is another person on this site, and what was said in it did something to me. Like I said early me eyes welled up quite a bit reading through what was said. The regret took me by surprise and I found myself in the middle of a life changing tug of war match.
All of this has put me in an indecisive state. I don't want to leave, but I can't…I can't figure out what to do. I'm sorry guys…