Chapter 2: appeler un chat un chat : to call it as it is [literal: to call a cat a cat]

Lola couldn't breathe. All she could feel was sheer panic. Her throat seemed to close and her vision blurred over; whether it was because of her sudden distress or the proximity of Bucky, she wasn't sure. His hand was still wrapped around her wrist and she could feel the heat radiating from his body. A body that had been over her, under her, all over her, the previous night. What a man to be married to.

That's right. Married. She was married to him. He was her husband.

Panic began to overcome her again and she glanced up at Bucky, seeing the same expression cloud his features. He seemed to be staring at her ring, no, rings. There was an engagement ring that sat proudly with her wedding band, and a fresh wave of fear washed over her. Where on earth had that come from? And how had she been so oblivious to it? He dropped her hand now, as if it had electrocuted him and threaded his fingers in his his dark, shoulder skimming hair. Then, without so much as a warning, he dashed around the hotel suite, tearing it upside down.

"What on earth are you doing?" asked Lola.

Bucky didn't answer, pulling every drawer open and rooting around inside.

"Alright, love, I know we're married but that doesn't mean you can just look through my things like that!"

"You don't know that we're married." explained Bucky, blushing as he seemingly found her underwear drawer. "If we were, we would have a licence, or a certificate."

"This might not be legal." breathed Lola, heart skipping at the idea of her marriage being a drunk farce.

She ran out in the suite and rummaged through everything there, even pulling cushions off the couch when she heard another strangled cry from Bucky. She found him standing in the middle of the bedroom, holding a piece of paper that looked far too official for her liking. The pair stood side by side, surveying the signed certificate that had tipped their world out of orbit.

"No." denied Lola. "They simply can't marry us without witnesses. It's a legal requirement. I'm sure of it."

"Except, we had witnesses." grimaced Bucky, pointing to two additional signatures underneath theirs.

He had instantly recognised Steve's neat penmanship, but, the other one, a sprawling script, was a mystery to him. The curse word that left Lola's mouth told him she knew exactly who it belonged to. She gritted her teeth and thrust the certificate back at him.

The panic was back, and Lola gripped the chest of drawers to steady her shaky legs. This scary mess of a situation was sinking in, and she couldn't even begin to fathom how angry she was at herself and at Natasha Romanoff, the best friend who had apparently played witness at her wedding. Lola had gotten drunk on many occasions and there had certainly been the odd consequence to pay. But, getting married was far worse than ending up naked on the front page of a tabloid. How had she gotten herself into this? And how had Natasha let her? She didn't know about Bucky, but, she was going to murder her best friend.

"I think I have an idea." said Bucky, interrupting her thoughts.

His face was pale, and it must have been a combination of the hangover and the certificate in his hands, as he looked like he was going to throw up all over the shagpile rug.

"This certificate doesn't mean anything. We were drunk, right? We should go see the guy that married us. If it's not legal, we can go our separate ways like this shit never happened."

"And if it is real, Sherlock? What do you propose we do then?"

"We get an annulment. Come on, Ross Geller had like, ten of them."

"You're not seriously comparing our conundrum to a sitcom from the Nineties, are you?" scoffed Lola, and Bucky cracked a smile.

"Yeah, that Vegas episode." he chuckled. Upon seeing Lola's narrowed eyes he quickly turned his laughter into a cough. "Never mind."

"Good, now we've cleared that up, let's move." ordered Lola, but Bucky threw an arm out and caught her. She glared at him. "What?"

"I know this marriage is… dubious. But, don't you think you should put some clothes on first?" he mumbled, looking everywhere but at her.

It was her turn to smile. Despite the sticky situation they were in, it was still somewhat flattering to know a man as handsome as him found her distracting. That, and it was equally adorable how much he blushed around her and tried to be respectful, a true gentleman.

"Alright, I'll finish my shower and get dressed. Then, we can go." she smirked, sashaying back to the bathroom. She winked at him over her shoulder. "Seeing as you're still my husband for a few more hours, you're more than welcome to join me in the shower again."

A shiver went down Bucky's spine at her words, and the fleeting memory of their activity in the shower last night crossed his mind. Suffice to say, he knew he was well and truly screwed. He looked around the extravagant hotel suite, and deciding he needed something to occupy his mind, set about tidying the mess they had made.

The doorbell rang, and Lola departed the bathroom, running her fingers through her hair.

"Finally, that'll be breakfast. I'm ravenous!" she sighed.

Bucky whipped around- her confident nudity was definitely going to send him to the grave early one day. He grabbed the silky dressing gown draped over an armchair, but, before he could toss it to her, she had flung the door open.

"Hey, I mean, bonjo- OH!" cried Steve, his polite formality drowned out by his surprise at seeing the naked woman in front of him.

He slapped his hands over his eyes. Lola cocked her head.

"You're not breakfast." she stated, looking him up and down. "But, I must admit, you're utterly delectable."

"I'm sorry, Miss." apologised Steve stiffly, not daring to uncover his eyes. "I'm Steve Rogers. I was looking for my friend, James Buchanan Barnes. Have you seen him?"

"It's me, Steve! I'm here!" cried Bucky, running forward.

Steve moved a hand, but, seeing a very naked Lola still in front of him, apologised profusely and covered his eyes again. Bucky cleared his throat pointedly and thrust the dressing gown at Lola, who giggled and slipped it on.

"It's alright, Steve, you can look now." grumbled Bucky.

He couldn't quite understand it, but, he didn't like how Steve had seen her. That was for his eyes only. As it happened, Steve was the perfect gentleman and was still holding his fingers over his face and in the middle of an apologetic monologue. Lola giggled, to Bucky's dismay. It took a further five minutes of reassurance before Steve was able to look her in the eye, at which point Bucky grabbed him by the collar and dragged him into the suite. Steve rubbed his hands together and looked at his best friend worriedly.

"Buck, I don't know how to tell you this, but, you're in deep shit. Pardon the language, Miss."

"Oh, what a gentleman! It's -"

"I know, Steve!" interjected Bucky. "You were there! Why didn't you stop me?" he pressed accusingly, grabbing the marriage certificate off the coffee table and shoving it in Steve's face.

"Look, Buck, I'm sorry. I was as drunk as you! I don't remember signing this. I don't even remember being at your wedding!"

"Would you two calm down?" cried Lola, perching on the sofa and crossing her legs. "We're going to get an annulment and that'll be the end of it."

"It might not that simple." drawled a fourth voice, and they all whipped around to see a small, redhead slip through the door.

Lola leapt off the couch.

"Well, it's about time! Where on earth have you been? Do you know what I've been going through?" she demanded and the redhead looked at her apologetically.

"I know this is hard, but, I really need you to stay calm."

"Why? There can't possibly be anything that could make this situation any worse!" scoffed Lola.

Her friend held out a newspaper and Lola gasped.

"Bugger!"

Lola collapsed back on the plush couch, the newspaper in her lap. Her redhead friend turned around and offered a small wave to both men.

"Hi, I'm Natasha Romanoff. Ballet choreographer, best friend and apparently witness of Lola's wedding." she introduced herself and then sat down besides Lola.

"Why the hell do you want an annulment?" whispered Natasha, peeking at Bucky and Steve who looked to be in furious whispers with each other, too. "He is hot!"

"Natasha!" Lola whispered back. "Would you please stop ogling him and help me figure out what on earth I'm going to do?"

"I just did, but, you didn't like my suggestion."

"Natasha!"

Across the room, Bucky was rubbing his temples wearily. Making sure that the girls weren't eavesdropping, he lowered his voice to a whisper.

"Steve," he said exasperatedly. "I gave her a ring."

"That's generally what happens when you get married, Bucky."

"No, Steve. Not just a ring. The ring. Viv's ring."

"Oh. Wow, that's a big deal."

"You think? Jesus Christ, what was I thinking?"

"You weren't thinking, Buck. And after what she said, I don't blame you. I am sorry for how I made you deal with it, though."

"It's not your fault, Steve."

"I simply can't believe this. The one and only time I do the stupidest thing in my life… my father is going to be furious! I hate to think what he'll say! I guarantee he's already seen this!" exclaimed Lola, cupping her face with her trembling hands.

"Seen what?" asked Bucky, suddenly behind her.

She jumped and glanced at Natasha, who shrugged in response. Lola sighed.

"Well, the whole world has already seen so there's no reason to keep it from you." she muttered, picking the newspaper off her lap.

Bucky took it tentatively from her and scanned the cover. It was all in French, of course. Naturally, Lola knew he couldn't understand a single word of it. Not that he needed to, as the picture spoke a thousand words. A string of fucks left his mouth and she certainly couldn't blame him. After all, it was a picture of the pair of them leaving a church, her arm was looped through his and they were both holding out their hands, as if proudly flaunting their wedding rings. Steve was peering over Bucky's shoulder, and based on how quickly his jaw dropped, Lola suspected he had caught on much quicker than his best friend.

Bucky looked up at her, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

"I don't get it. Why is there a picture of us on the front page?" he asked blankly, and for the first time that morning, Lola laughed wholeheartedly.

"You don't have a bloody clue do you?" she chortled. "Oh, love. It's a good thing you're drop dead gorgeous."

"You mean he doesn't know?" gasped Natasha, looking at the two men for an explanation.

"In his defence, he's a bit behind on pop culture." offered Steve, shooting Bucky an apologetic look.

"Does someone wanna explain to me why the hell our picture is on the front of a newspaper?" yelled Bucky, and Lola rolled her eyes.

"Because I'm famous, you daft banana!" she yelled back.

"F-famous?" stuttered Bucky.

"Yes, famous. I'm Lola Stark." she said obviously, rolling her eyes.

Bucky felt his knees buckle slightly as he stared at her. She could tell he believed her. He simply couldn't believe the absurdity of the situation. Her looking familiar… the London accent… it made sense now. He did know her, or rather, of her. He silently cursed himself for not recognising her earlier. He looked at her now and felt his heart hammer rapidly again. Jesus Christ, he was married to a celebrity, the very species of people he hated. She reached out a hand but he shrugged her off, for fear that he might just implode if she touched him.

"Look, why don't you and your friend stay and eat breakfast. I will go get dressed, and then I will go and find out just how real this marriage is or not. Meet me here later today." stated Lola, walking back to the bedroom, her fingers tugging at her dressing gown.

Steve was given very little warning and screamed, his hands flying to his eyes again.