I'm back, goobers. Hope you all weren't too depressed by my absence. This guide is not exactly my number one priority right now (you get one guess as to what it is), and I can't be expected to update it all the time. Just be grateful you're getting it at all, and that your advice is coming directly from my lips and not, say, Dave's. Or Shawn's. Or pretty much any of those fools I had to spend my time with on that show.

So because this guide is not exactly my number one priority, I haven't really thought too hard about what topic I am to be doing next. Which probably means I should have thought of that before I started typing. Scarlett, can you help me out a bit? Do you have any ideas?

The evil genius asks his humble sidekick for ideas. How quaint.

Don't use that new-fangled language on me, Scarlett. You know I'm not fluent in it.

Yes. I can't really determine whether you not understanding Sarcasm is a good or bad thing.

You know, I never really understood why Sarcasm is a different language. It's the same language just with different tones! And what country even speaks that anyway? Sarcania? Sarcasmia? And in that case, wouldn't it be "Sarkish" or "Sarcese" as opposed to "Sarcasm?" It doesn't make any sense!

...dear God you're an idiot.

Let's move on to the topic. Do you have any ideas?

How about the best way to torture flies, ants, ladybugs, or daddy long-legs? I have an entire kit devoted to the subject.

...you know what, never mind. I'm never asking you for ideas again. And not just because my evilness needs to vomit now.

Let's do something harmless, like taking care of a pet. That shouldn't end up too bad.

Now, if you are a cat owner, I am going to ask you one question.

WHY?

THEY DON'T DO WHAT THEY'RE TOLD. THEY DON'T PLAY FETCH. AND THEY SURE AS HELL DON'T LISTEN TO ANYTHING YOU SAY.

Seriously. How is an evil overlord supposed to control an animal that...cannot...be controlled? I'm sorry, my mind went blank on that one. It's a rare occurrence, I assure you.

Cough.

Shut up. Anyway, if you are a cat owner you should go roll in a litter box or something. The only use I have for cats is with the laser pointer. You can easily create minions out of them even without the use of a fashionable evil-inducing hat that my genius created during the span of Total Drama: Pahkitew Island. That is pretty much the only practical use for a cat.

Ooh, that reminds me of a joke!

What's warm and fuzzy?

A CAT IN A MICROWAVE, MWA HA HA HA!

I am such a genius.

And I definitely came up with that joke right now. I definitely didn't steal it from anybody. 1000% original work, courtesy of your kind and generous evil overlord Max.

Anyway, moving onto dogs. Dogs are infinitely better than cats for a number of reasons.

1. They're dumb. And loyal. They will follow you to the end as a loyal minion and won't turn crazy and try to kill you out of absolutely flipping nowhere. And they definitely won't sound like a dying cat screeching around while doing so. *cough* Scarlett *cough*

2. If you get something like a pit bull, doberman, or Great Dane, those would probably be the most practical usage of a dog. But my supreme-evil pet of choice must go to the pug. Why? AWWWW, LOOK AT THAT SQUASHED LITTLE FACE! IT'S SO ADORABLE! HOW COULD ANYONE NOT LOVE IT? They're fat, lazy, and useless though. I keep him around mainly to scratch him behind the ears and feed him.

Do you ever feel a sort of kinsmanship between you and your pug?

Shut up, you.

Anyway, you should take care of your dog (remember, preferably a pug) with great care. Be sure to pamper them if they've been supremely evil lately. Have a system that works. Personally, I have badges for every day that show how evil he's been and therefore how much he will be cared for. The system goes like this. 1 is the most pampered, 5 is the least.

1. SUPREMELY EVIL!

2. MEAN SPIRITED!

3. JUST TOO LAZY TO DO ANYTHING!

4. AMICABLE!

5. YOU ROTTEN DO-GOODER, WHY?

Generally, Freckles (the name came to me in a burst of evil inspiration) averages somewhere around the 3 or 4 range, but one day he sat down and falling asleep on the sidewalk and ended up causing a biker to swerve and crash into a fire hydrant. He got a concussion.

For the next week, Freckles had bones, toys, and sweets galore.

A reward system is a good idea. Don't bother with tricks unless you want a dog that's smarter than you are.

Don't you think "Max" sounds like a good dog name?

FOR THE LAST TIME, SHUT UP! Anyway, I'm too lazy to come up with anything else so I'm going to turn this over to Scarlett now.

I've never liked animals. At least, as company. When I was eight my mom brought a stray cat home and said we were going to keep it. She left for a few errands and when she came back she seemed rather distressed that the animal was dead and I was dissecting it for analysis.

That was around the point that they sent me to psychological counseling.

I find both cats and dogs to be mostly useless while alive, but I do have some tips as to how to deal with them.

I do not have a good relationship with cats. I am allergic. One of my schoolmates used to bully me by shoving his cat in my face. If someone you know is preying on your allergies, feel free to hit them where it hurts.

I ended up strapping C4 to his cat and aimed a laser pointer at his gas line.

Ah, good times.

Using cats as suicide bombers is really the only practical source I have for them, but dissecting them in the name of science is fine too.

As for dogs, I find them slightly more bearable than cats, mainly because I am not allergic to them. They are interesting psychologically, and I enjoyed messing around with my cousin's German Shepherd, figuring out what made it tick. In an experiment, I would dangle food out of its reach while it was trapped in a cage, and observe its response. Eventually I taught it how to bite. Right before my cousins were having company.

Suffice it to say that there were a lot of bloody ankles that night.

Essentially, my advice is to use the dog or cat to suit your own purposes. I do not understand those who bond with their animals. Why befriend a creature that lives only a fraction of your lifetime, defecates in your house, costs money, and eventually dies?

That is why my preferred pet is a turtle.

That is all I have to offer on the subject matter.

Scarlett, you're kind of freaking me out. To all those who may be reading this, I am not endorsing animal cruelty. HOW COULD ANYONE BE CRUEL TO ANIMALS, *AHEM*, SCARLETT?

That being said, if you take Scarlett's advice...please just don't.

And don't you dare try to kill Freckles. I. Will. Burn. You.

That's all, suckers. This is Max and Scarlett, signing off!