Chapter 2

"I'll take all the blame, aqua sea foam shame

Sunburn, freezer burn, choking on the ashes of her enemy"

Nirvana, All Apologies

When she wakes next, she feels ill. Her stomach is cramping and she is very dizzy, the world spinning and blurring. It takes her a moment to realize that she is covered in something sticky and wet, and her heart stops beating. She looks down to see a pool of red, angry blood between her legs, and she screams.

What is going on? She is so confused because no body was hitting her and oh it hurts but not just in her stomach- her heart is weeping. Gibbs comes pounding up the stairs and his face goes pale when he sees her.

"What happened?" He demands, hands on her shoulder and eyes filled with unreadable emotion.

"I… I… I don't know!" She cries, and suddenly she sees her mother, young and sad, in a hospital bed, shaking her head. "No more baby." She murmured, and Ziva blubbers, because her mother was so heartbroken but she is sad, ashamed and strangely relieved in a way she cannot, or does not want to explain.

"It's ok." Gibbs soothes, and scoops her up in his arm like a child. "We're going to have Ducky meet us at the hospital."

"Why?" She screeches, unable, or unwilling to accept the reality in front of her.

"You're having a miscarriage, Ziver." He grinds out.

…

Ducky joins the team in the waiting room, his face sad and drawn.

"Ziva has lost the baby." He begins, taking a seat next to Abby, who gasps. "Her physician and I both agree that it would be best for her to undergo a simple D&C, to both resolve the bleeding and make sure there is no tissue left over to cause further infection. We are also going to give her general anesthesia, because of the nature of the procedure. She should be recovered within a few days."

"Godammnit!" Tony shouts, running a hand over his tired face. The nurse at the front desk shakes her head, but the team ignores her.

"DiNozzo." Gibbs says warningly, placing a hand on his shoulder. Tony pulls away, livid.

"No. This is my fault! If I hadn't killed Michael-"

"He'd still be out there." Gibbs finishes for him. "Do not doubt yourself. It was Ziva's decision to stay in Israel." But even as he says it Gibbs wishes he had dragged her onto that plane, away from Eli and Mossad and Saleem Ulman.

"Don't give me that bull, Boss. You blame me. I know it." He turns to the rest of them, eyes burning. "You all do."

"No we don't!" Abby exclaims, reaching out to hug him, but Tony pulls away.

"Just stop." He mutters, storming out of the emergency room. "Just stop."

Abby stands to follow him, but Gibbs holds her back.

"Let him go, Abs. Let him deal with his guilt somewhere else."

…

When Ziva comes to, she feels disoriented and confused, unsure of how she got here. She sees a female figure by her bed, all curves and black hair.

"Ima?" She asks uncertainly, praying for her mother to appear and make it better.

"No." A familiar, gravelly voice corrects. "Its just Abby."

"Oh." She answers, unsure of how to proceed when her beautiful mother transforms into her Goth best friend.

"How do you feel?" Abby asks, maternally smoothing down her blankets.

"I do not know." Ziva admits. She feels light and uncomfortable, like there is pain beneath a blanket of medication.

Abby smiles sadly and sits down on the edge of the bed. "I was so worried about you."

"It was a simple procedure-" Ziva begins, but Abby shakes her head.

"No, not that. I mean, I was worried today- super worried! But this summer, when you just disappeared? I was frantic. I mean, you were absent. Nowhere. And I always find the missing people, but I couldn't find you. I just had this feeling that something bad was happening, you know?"

"Yes." Ziva agrees. She knows that feeling all too well. The day Tali died, young and innocent and burned on the side of the road, she had known that something was wrong. Her heart aches for her sister, but she tries to suppress that emotion, because along with it comes all her other.

"You would have liked my sister." She finally says weakly.

Abby nods, tears forming. "I'm sure I would have."

Ziva can no longer keep her eyes open, and succumbs to sleep.