Chapter Two:
Back on the Soviet Space Station Spider-Man and Black Widow were getting ready for their debate.
"I'm rather nervous. This will be my time... debating a gorgeous gal like you in reality rather than just in my dreams." Spider-Man admitted as he admired the curvy frame of Black Widow as they set on the couch in front of the TV in the space station's rec room.
"Don't worry, Peter Parker. I will promise to set a novice-friendly pace." Black Widow winked as she caught Spider-Man's Amazing Little Big Friend threatening to burst from his costume before she got up. "Is there anything you would like before we begin?"
"Make me a sammich, you Ruski bottom feeder." Spider-Man said with attempt at dominance as he spanked Black Widow's rear and she giggled before sauntering to the kitchen. Spider-Man stretched out his legs, and sighed in satisfaction. He would be Puny Parker no more after this, that was for certain. After seeing all the girls at school go out with jocks instead of a gentlemanly science nerd like him, Spider-Man could hardly believe he had met a drop dead stunner and they were going to dance the tango of life together.
"Would you like some vodka too?" Black Widow called as she rifled through the fridge.
"Drown me in it, Soviet Sister." Spider-Man replied as he turned on the TV and saw Venom fighting Captain America.
"Oh hey, it's my old pal Venom. I wonder how he got to the Moon." Spider-Man commented nonchalantly before his stomach rumbled with hunger. It would be a bad idea to debate a woman more experienced than him on an empty stomach, so lest he'd shutter the curtains prematurely it was time for a Spidey Snack Stop.
"Yo Natty-Nats, how's my sammich comin' along?" Spider-Man then looked back to the kitchen, and saw that Black Widow was bent over on the counter.
"Oh." Spider-Man walked to Black Widow and saw that it wasn't vodka in the wine glass that had spilled over. Spider-Man turned her over and saw that her throat had been slit and the light was long gone from her eyes. But how? She had been right behind her, why hadn't his Spider-Sense warned him?
"Not the sort of sammich you were expecting, eh." Said a new menacing voice.
Spider-Man whirled around and saw that it was Winter Soldier, holding a knife still stained with Black Widow's blood on it in one hand and turning off a bootleg Spider-Sense nullifier in the other. Winter Soldier swiped at Spider-Man but Spider-Man did a backslip and dodged the attack. Spider-Man then shot webs at Winter Soldier but Winter Soldier then pulled out his pistol and shot them all to shreds in mid-air.
"Why? She was the first woman who was gonna put out for me and she even gave me her number dammit!" Spider-Man wailed with grief. "In the brief moment we were together and happy, I learned a valuable lesson about the pratfalls of nationalism. We showed each other that underneath all the pratfalls of jingoism that had consumed our ways of thinking that we were actually more alike than dislike under the skin! Out in the untamed frontier of space it did not matter that we were American or Russian. We were human and that was enough. Our souls were no longer bound by gravity and I saw how cold the Cold War truly is. The world is blue and big enough for us all. Why can't we just get along?"
"That is a lot to say to say nothing. She is dead because I could not risk letting you turn Soviet Russia's most valuable asset traitor because she thought not with her brain but with her cunt." Winter Soldier stated with priorities as he grabbed Spider-Man by the wrists and broke his web-shooters before headbutting the Web Crawler leaving him loopy. "But if it is any consolation it was not love for you that drove her. She was just extra horny from being cooped up her all the time with no one for company but me, and my eternal mission to destroy America leaves me no time for love. So no surprise that she would leap on the first fly to get caught in her web."
"No! It's not possible! You're lying!" Spider-Man swore as he tried to punch Winter Soldier but Winter Soldier blocked his punch and judo-tossed him onto the floor.
"You can ask her yourself when you land in hell. Then you will know that you are in hell when you hear this truth from her lips!"
Winter Soldier put his hands around Spider-Man's neck but Spider-Man decided to get one last word in.
"Even if you kill me, Winter Soldier, Captain America will still find a way to stop your evil plans!"
"Captain America? Here?" The Winter Soldier looked at the television screen with a little worry for he had not planned for Cap and saw Captain America doing shield slashes across Venom's chest. The slashes were doing little as Venom kept regenerating after each wound. "Ha ha Spider-Man, looks like your Captain America has found himself in a bit of a pickle! But just to make you suffer, I'll keep you alive until the end so you can watch your hero die like the bombastic little fart he is!"
The Winter Soldier tied up Spider-Man and tossed him on the couch, before pulling out a folding-chair for himself. The Winter Soldier laughed with malice as he put Black Widow's dead and still oozing corpse onto Spider-Man who squirmed with urgency as it began dripping into his eyes, before taking a seat and breaking out a few cold beers for himself.
On the moon Captain America was fighting as hard as he could. Patriotic pride fueled every punch and swing of his shield, and even as the ebony behemoth that was Venom wailed on him, Captain America was resolute that this lunar cycle would see the American Flag planted and flying proud one way or the other.
"I can keep this up for all eternity! But no nation's greatness, not even America's, endures forever! You will join Byzantine and Rome and all the rest in the dust of history books before I plant that flag of lies and falsehoods!" Venom told Captain America as he shot some webs to bind Captain America's legs and then swung him around like a yo-yo before slamming Captain America into the moon dirt over and over.
"You underestimate my power, and by extension, America's power! You're no different from any uppity colored fella, and with the full force of the good 'ol real USA behind me, I will remind you of your proper place Venom!" Captain America retorted as he cut the webbing with his shield and threw it at Venom hoping to decapitate him but Venom caught his shield in his mouth and ate it.
"Oh fuck." Captain America said as Venom advanced on him smacking his lips.
Seeing that the US Flag's last hope was in danger, Buzz Aldrin rifled through his pockets for anything that could help. He found at the last second his Prototype Sonic Blaster.
"Here Captain America catch!" Buzz Aldrin tossed him the Sonic Blaster. "All alien symbiotes are vulnerable to sonic sounds!"
"Thanks for the save, Buzz Aldrin! I will be sure to commend you for Presidential Medal of Honor when I get back to Earth!" Captain America said with gratitude as he caught the Sonic Blaster turned the power dial up to 11 and fired at Venom an onslaught of sonic waves.
"EAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIGH." Venom shrieked as the waves hit him like a freight train and the symbiote shot out in all directions briefly exposing the vulnerable Neil Armstrong within.
"Got you on the ropes at last you monster! Now to get back what's mine and give you what's yours!" Captain America went forward with a mighty leap. As Venom was still scrambled by the sonic assault grabbed his shield and swung at the head once more. The symbiote managed to recover and reform around Neil Armstrong and raised an arm in time to block the shield but Captain America still succeeded in severing that part of the symbiote.
"Shit! My golfing arm!" Venom cursed as he saw his arm fly off before growing a new one. "You will pay for that, Captain America!"
"Oh I don't think so. The only payment anyone will be making is you at the toll-booth of Hades." Captain America moved the Sonic Blaster to 11 plus ultra squared and fired. The resulting sonic waves were so strong that the Venom symbiote was blasted off of Neil Armstrong entirely and began scattering away as far as he could. Neil Armstrong was then hit into the air by Captain America with a stars and stripes uppercut and he landed in the dust.
"No! Venom was my friend!" Neil Armstrong cried as he tried to reach for a stray symbiote fragment but Captain America stamped down on his arm breaking it.
"Now, Neil Armstrong, you have one final chance." Captain America held the American flag in his hand. "Plant the flag and we will write this off in the record as temporary insanity."
"Do it, Neil Armstrong! Do not go down like a fool." Buzz Aldrin advised. Captain America and Buzz Aldrin looked on expectantly at the fallen Neil Armstrong, as well as everyone who was currently watching the event on TV.
Back in the Soviet Space Station the Winter Soldier was not pleased by this turn of events.
"Well let a dingo drag off my baby!" The Winter Soldier swore in frustration. "Looks like I will have to clean up this mess myself!"
"The only mess to be cleaned up here is you! And Captain America will be the flowing mop of justice to your wicked life!" Taunted Spider-Man as he futilely continued to strain against his bindings but the ropes were made of adamantium so he could not break them. The Winter Soldier sighed and wondered why the silly woman could not have squashed this pest like any other annoying insectoid.
"You little bug, shut it before I shut you ahead of schedule." Winter Soldier warned as he smacked Spider-Man a few times.
"Ha ha you must be really stupid even for a Commie. Spiders aren't bugs!" Spider-Man said impulsively.
"Oh that does it." Winter Soldier took his gun out and put it on Spider-Man's forehead. "Smartmouth, you think you can outsmart a bullet?"
"I just wanted to get laid. How did this happen to me?" Spider-Man moaned.
"Oh you will be getting laid. LAID IN A GRAVE." The Winter Soldier sneered before bursting into evil laughter.
Spider-Man began to sweat because he knew he was kind of fucked but then there was a crackling sound behind them like lethal energy charging up. Winter Soldier looked up and his eyes widened. His mouth opened to mouth the words shit in Russian but it was too late and the Winter Soldier was incinerated by a torrent of supernova energy blasts leaving behind only his artificial arm. Spider-Man closed his eyes out of fear hoping he did not wet himself as Winter Soldier's ashes began coating him and when he opened them again when he felt someone undoing his bindings.
Spider-Man saw towering over him a statuesque blonde bombshell of a woman dressed a red and blue jumpsuit with a gold star on her chest and a red sash around her waist before she yanked him to his feet. It was Captain Marvel!
"Oh hi Captain Marvel what are you doing here? The moon is a harsh mistress it is no place for a woman. (and when will you be bringing the old outfit, the sexy black leotard one, back)" Spider-Man asked as he began wiping himself of blood and dust. He found that his natural webslinger was growing erect again.
"The moon will find I'm a harsher mistress." She then noticed Spider-Man starting at her finest assets dreamily and with a sigh slapped him. Spider-Man shuddered with pleasure as the pain vibrated through him. She hit hard and the only thing that turned Peter Parker, Spider-Man on more than beating up a woman was getting beat up by a woman. "Think clean thoughts, chum. Now why am I here? SHIELD sent the Avengers intel that there was a plot to sabotage Apollo 11. I volunteered to do this mission by myself, to strike a victory for woman's rights by showing how much of a strong and independent liberated feminist female I am."
"Woman's rights? Is that a kind of anal itch?" Spider-Man blinked in confusion, hoping to bait Captain Marvel into hitting him again.
Captain Marvel rolled her eyes before continuing doing her best to avoid Spider-Man as he tried to trip himself into her breasts face-first.
"I figured that I could strike at the heart of the matter when I saw this Soviet Spy Space Station just floating in the moon's orbit. But I did not expect to find..." Captain Marvel tried to find the most insulting noun she could think of but Spider-Man interrupted her.
"Your Friendly Galactic Neighborhood, Spider-Man? And my kind of friendly ain't strictly platonic, toots." Spider-Man said with a whistle. "Captain Marvel, you are a sweeter sight for sore eyes than a box fulla Twinkies. Before you showed Black Widow was gonna... never mind, now that you're here I'm so over her just like Hanukkah after Christmas. So Carol-Cake, wanna get frosted and sliced?"
"FUCKING CAN IT CREEP." Captain Marvel kneed Spider-Man in the breadbasket but a shudder shot down her spine as she heard him cry and it wasn't a cry of pain leaving his lips.
Spider-Man then repaired his webshooters and then shot a web towards the kitchen snagging two bottles of Coke and two wine glasses. He was not going to let this opportunity slip out from under him. He was sick of jock jerks like Flash Thompson always scooping up the women that he wanted and he bet that Captain Marvel was just like those harpy Jezebels. Preferring the company of neanderthal athletes to gentlemanly, sweet and sensitive nerds like him. So he was not going to leave anything to chance, Spider-Man thought as he poured into the glasses and while Captain Marvel was not looking he slipped a few tablets of Flunitrazepam into one. This one was not just for him, but all like him. Their hour was now, time to Rise Up. And if he hurt her or anything it was her fault not his for having the gall to say no to him in the first place.
"Oh sweetheart, how did you know I had a... um, thing for abuse. (It's the only reason I haven't webbed up J. Jonah Jameson and then dropped him off the tallest bridge in NYC)." Spider-Man jumped back on the couch, kicked off Black Widow's corpse like it was nothing, and beckoned for Captain Marvel to get cozy with him.
"Well too bad for you, I don't have a thing for pathetic horny teenage boys." Captain Marvel said facepalming before snapping in disgust. "AND BESIDES HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN THAT I'M ON THE CLOCK HERE."
"Oh that. Well you're too late anyhow. Captain America is already taking care of the whole moon sabotage thing for you." Spider-Man pointed helpfully towards the TV which was still on and showing the tense stand-off between Captain America and Neil Armstrong.
"WHAAAAAAAAT." Captain Marvel's jaw dropped. "I SAID I NEEDED NO HELP FUUUUUCK."
"Oh he's not with you?" Spider-Man asked.
"GODDAMN MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNN." Captain Marvel screeched with a feminist rage as she grabbed the TV by the edges and began convulsing. "Can't trust a woman to do anything by herself?"
"Well actually," Spider-Man began to explain. "You should be pleased that they sent THE AVENGER to help you! It could've been a nobody like Hawkeye or Ant-Man, you know!"
"IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO THEY SENT. IT'S THE WHOLE PRINCIPLE OF THE THING. GODDAMN JESUS SHITFUCKING CHRIST!" Captain Marvel fumed and she really felt like breaking something.
"Hee hee you women are so overreactive. I think you're just biologically bipolar, yo. Nothing you can do now, except sit back and watch the fireworks. Hey, why don't we have a drink and let me give you a 'massage' to calm those irrational oh-so-delicate feminine nerves of yours?" Spider-Man teased as he held up one of the Coke glasses to Captain Marvel. He was certain this was the one he had spiked.
"In your dreams, bucko." Captain Marvel took the glass and then crushed it in her hand. Coke and shards dribbled to the floor. Gently she raised both her hands to Spider-Man and extended her middle fingers.
Spider-Man frowned. There went Plan A. Goddamn Parker Luck. He took a sip of his Coke and pondered if the more 'direct' Plan B could be pulled off. Captain Marvel looked strong that's for sure but really how strong could a woman be, especially compared to a MAN.
Back on the Moon Neil Armstrong was catching his breath, knowing that his minutes were limited. As Captain America tapped his feet waiting impatiently for an answer, Neil Armstrong saw his entire life flash before his eyes. He saw every bit of his astronaut training, from flying the ships to learning to spin in zero gravity. He saw faces and places pass by in a blur, headlines of important days speed by like trains on the subway. And then came image of his two sons plus his dead daughter who was now a rotting zombie raising the American Flag and looking at Neil Armstrong with a very disappointed look. What mattered more than the American Flag, what mattered more than them, they seemed to be asking with their cold near dark eyes.
Neil Armstrong didn't know what to say that could please. He had once believed in the flag and what it stood for, but what was the American Spirit these days? And in the end what was more American, to stay true to yourself no matter what or to bend over and sell your soul at the first hardship? No one truly had understood that, and he knew no one he could express his doubts to in confidence until he had met the black alien who had washed over him like a tidal wave and for the first time Neil Armstrong opened his eyes and saw he was not alone.
Venom had been his first real friend, his first true love, and Captain America may have just killed him. Captain America, he was supposed to be a hero, but in the end the Wingnut was just like all the rest. Blindly following a symbol he could not even see what had become of it. How could Neil Armstrong respect an American flag that had come to symbolize an America of barbarous blind jingoism and open division?
"You have five seconds to answer, Neil Armstrong, and three have just passed!" Captain America warned as he sharpened his shield.
"Come on come on come on!" Buzz Aldrin begged, hoping that Neil Armstrong would return to his senses.
"Do you know where this all began?" Neil Armstrong who had been clenching his fist all this time, opened it to reveal that he was holding onto his dead daughter's bracelet. "Years ago the world took my daughter from me and America did nothing to stop it. And life continued on in America like she was never really here. Since then I have questioned my place in the world and lost all faith in the nation."
"So you think family matters more than the flag? D-I-S-G-U-S-T-I-N-G." Captain America retched. "Lemme tell ya, son, your daughter probably died prematurely cause she wasn't a good American to begin with. Her severance from your responsibility should've been a celebration, not a mourning!"
"Perhaps. But the past is past and we can take nothing back, can we?" Neil Armstrong then rotated one of the beads on the bracelets and suddenly there was a ticking sound. With widening realization, Captain America and Buzz Aldrin realized that the beads on Neil Armstrong's daughter's bracelet were also mini bombs. "Maybe at the end of time when even the afterlife is no more we will find out who is right."
Neil Armstrong then threw the bracelet at Captain America to explode him but Buzz Aldrin leapt in the way and intercepted it.
"NOOOO I WON'T LET YOU KILL THE EMBODIMENT OF AMERICA ITSELF." Buzz Aldrin cried as the bomb went off and sent Buzz Aldrin flying into a moon crater. Captain America looked on at the charred still twitching body of Buzz Aldrin as he fell into the shadows and made a silent salute of respect for his sacrifice.
"A noble sacrifice but it was in vain. Because if all it took was one explosion to stop America than I wouldn't be standing here." Captain America commented before turning to Neil Armstrong who was now all out of tricks.
"This is the end, Neil Armstrong." Captain America raised his shield, ready to execute this Anti-American and in the aftermath, plant the flag and claim the Moon for America. And all things would be their rightful place once more.
Or would they?
To be concluded...