When Alex was sixteen she decided she was ready to read the book her grandfather had chosen for her tenth birthday. It was Spring break and she had just broken up with her first girlfriend. She didn't feel like going to the beach with her friends and wanted nothing more than to spend the week consumed by a book. The book her grandfather chose would be perfect. She could spend the time listening to her grandfather speak to her through the massive legal book and hope that his presence would calm the inner turmoil she felt. For as long as Alex could remember her grandmother had told her she was a princess and would be marrying a prince. Even with the constant reminder of what was expected of her Alex always remembered what her grandfather had told her - she could be anything she wanted. It was only recently that she had remembered what her grandfather told her grandmother - 'If Alex wants to be a princess and marry a prince she can.' Alex smiled to herself as she recalled all the things her grandfather had said she could be.
The pressure she was under from her teachers and the guidance counsellor at school to choose a career was increasing. How does one choose a path from the many available? The conflict between what her grandmother said and what her grandfather said tore at Alex. Being a princess and marrying a prince seemed so easy. There would be no decisions to make - just find a rich and attractive boy and marry him. Her school was populated with rich and mostly attractive boys, and her parents and grandmother would approve of just about any of them. Being whatever she wanted to be was going to require much more thought and much more effort. And it ran the risk of disappointing her grandmother. Deep down, though, Alex knew she had to make the tougher decisions and take the more difficult path.
That knowledge was partly why she had broken up with Amber. Sure, Amber was hot and her kisses left Alex weak in the knees. They went to the same school and lived in the same social circles. And Amber told Alex she loved her. But Alex knew it wasn't the right relationship for her. Amber knew how attractive she was and used it to take advantage of people. Lately she had been using her looks and popularity to get boys to do her homework and assignments. If she maintained a C average her parents let her do practically anything she wanted. At first it was fun going out on weekends and school nights, drinking until they could barely stand up, making out in the back of Amber's car until 2am. After a few weeks Alex knew her school work was suffering and imposed a midnight curfew for school night outings. Amber wasn't happy about it and often reminded Alex just how unhappy she was. After a few months Alex wanted more from their relationship. She wanted to talk to Amber about the future, where they would go to college, what they would be when they grew up. She wanted to talk about the past, about the books she read with her grandfather, the holidays she went on with her parents as a young child. She wanted to talk about the present, about the pressure she was feeling to make decisions about the future, about the conflict she was feeling.
Every time Alex started a serious conversation Amber would laugh at her or suggest they go out. And because Alex thought Amber loved her she'd go along with it. Three nights before the start of Spring Break Alex tried once more to talk to Amber about the thoughts and feelings she had swimming in her head, each thought and feeling vying for dominance, and contradicting each other. They were sitting on the sofa in Amber's living room and Amber had been drinking. Part way through telling Amber about the books her grandfather read to her, Alex stopped. She looked at Amber and saw the future. She saw the alcohol addiction, the lack of focus, the inability to empathise, the constant need to use others. She saw it all, and didn't like any of it. Instead of sharing her inner most feelings with her girlfriend, she broke up with her. Alex knew it was the right thing to do, but she was missing the distraction Amber provided. Without Amber, Alex was left alone with her thoughts and feelings. It was scary. It was exactly what she needed. It was confronting. It was exactly what she needed.