I own nothing of Twilight and will make no money from this story. insert sad face The content apart from characters and setting is my own. No copyright infrigement is intended. .

This chapter was beta'd by the lovely BellaDuJour and bigblueboat. Any mistakes made prior to their "grooming" are my own.

Thank you for the lovely reviews. I appreciate them so, so much! The next chapter is "in the works." ;) Let me know what you think and leave a review!

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I awoke the next day, my eyes feeling like they had been glued shut. I rubbed at them with my palms, groggily aware that my surroundings weren't quite right. I could hear a deep voice speaking in the distance, the words muffled by space and the closed door of my room. I realized I was at my dad's home when I registered the window being in the wrong place and felt the cold seeping in through my thin nightclothes. Snippets of a one-sided conversation reached me though my door. I figured Charlie must be on a cell phone in his room. I smiled at the idea of my dad finally embracing modern technology.

The alarm clock beside my bed read 8 A.M. I snuggled deeper under the covers and let out a long breath, a wave of anxiety and fear washing over me. Tomorrow was Christmas Eve. "One more sleep," as Charlie liked to say. Edward expected me to meet him at our meadow, which was probably frozen over and covered in snow. .

I turned to look out the window. Through the thickly frosted glass, I could see the soft flakes descending; they would continue to cover everything beneath them, transforming the world in a blanket of serenity and peace, making everything new. I wished it could be the same for me.

"I know it's not going to be easy."

I heard Charlie's voice approaching and closed my eyes quickly the second before I heard my bedroom door open. He had come in to check on me. That was typical behavior from Renee; I didn't expect any less from my dad. Still, as it had seemed an intrusion before, now it was comforting.

"Have you spoken to Edward lately?" Charlie asked softly.

At the mention of his name, I held my breath.

"Yeah, this is something that'll have to be dealt with soon."

I wondered who Charlie was talking to, and I wished I could hear the other half of the conversation. It was obvious I was the one that needed to be "dealt" with. I resisted the strong urge to cover my face with my pillow.

"Yeah. You too. I'll call you when I hear something. Bye."

I lay there for several long moments, trying to breathe deeply, aware how terrible I was at faking anything.

I felt the mattress dip down a little, and my eyes flew open.

"Hey, Bells," Charlie said softly, resting his warm hand on my cold one that lay on top of the covers. "We need to talk."

"Okay." I blanched. Conversations that began with "We need to talk" were never the good kind. I sat up in bed and rubbed my eyes some more, drawing my knees up against my chest.

"That was Esme on the phone. Do you know what you're planning on doing tomorrow?" He clearly meant regarding Edward, and I could feel my face fall. I didn't want Charlie to see the pathetic way my eyes were already beginning to tear up, so I lay my forehead on my knees.

"No," was my muffled response and my voice cracked on the word. Charlie sighed.

"Listen, I know this is going to be difficult for you, as much as it is for him, but I think it'll be good for you two to talk. You never got a chance to do that before."

I nodded, the knees of my pajama pants were growing damp from my tears.

"I can't do this." I whispered, more to myself than Charlie.

"Hey, yes you can. Come here." Pulling me to him, he rested his chin on the top of my head and rubbed my back. "I'm proud of you, Bells. I know it was tough for you to come back. You're doing the right thing."

How could he say that? I was a horrible person coming back to the scene of my crime to break Edward's heart all over again.

"I'm sorry for all the trouble I caused you, Dad."

"Hey, you've already apologized, and you're long forgiven." He gave me one last hug and stood up to leave. "I just want you to be happy, Bella. Happy and well," he amended. "Let me know what you want to do about tomorrow. I'll drive you wherever you wanna go. Or you're welcome to drive yourself. I had Jake look at the truck right after Phil called me. It's still a clunker, but it'll get you there."

I smiled slightly and thanked him as he walked away and closed the door behind him. I turned on my lamp and dug through my bag until I found Edward's now slightly damaged card. It occurred to me that I was geographically closer to him than I'd been in years. The thought was neither comforting nor happy. I was terrified.

I fished around in my duffel bag and dragged my battered notebook and a pen out from underneath a pile of wadded clothes, opened it to the next clean page and wrote the first thing that came to mind:

He wrote that he misses me, that he loves me, but how can he? I've taken far more from him than I've ever given. When we were dating, I often wondered what he saw in me, how someone so perfect would want to be with me. I wasn't much to look at, even less now.

I stopped writing and ran a hand across my abdomen; the skin was much looser now and permanently marked. I supposed I should think of it as wrecked, but I couldn't find it in me. He would probably think it disgusting, a constant reminder of what could have been—what I could have given him.

I stopped and looked around for tissue, resorting to wiping my eyes and nose with my sleeve. I didn't want to run into Dad in the hallway, and I wasn't ready to leave the solitude of my room. Something about being here again brought back a fresh wave of memories, painfully happy ones.

I guess this writing thing is working after all.

The very first time I saw him across the lunch room, I remember thinking he had the most beautiful eyes I'd ever seen. They were green, and not the shade of green that you could sometimes mistake for gray or hazel, but bright green, like a blade of grass in spring. The rims of his irises were a slightly darker shade, and his eyes were framed by thick, dark lashes. It was a crime for a guy to have eyes that pretty.

We ended up in the same Biology class, and since Edward was the only student without a partner, the teacher also made us lab partners. He didn't speak to me the entire class. I wondered why someone who looked like Edward wasn't already paired off with another student—one of the pretty, leggy ones that spent their entire class period trying to get his attention. To be honest, it wasn't just his eyes that were beautiful.

When the last bell rang, I leaned down to get my book bag and my jacket when I realized the latter was missing.

"Bella?"

I turned around to find Edward holding it out for me, like some dashing gentleman in a Victorian drama. I fidgeted, not sure what to do with myself. I could feel several girls' leering eyes directed at my back. My face was hot, and I knew I was probably glowing a very bright shade of red, so I conceded.

"You really don't have to do that. Thanks"

"Do you like music?"

The question caught me off guard, and I nodded, trying not to meet those gorgeous green eyes. Back then, I'd liked a lot of different styles of music. As it turned out, so did Edward. He invited me to his family's home, where we listened to his extensive CD collection for hours. That became our unofficial first date. After that, we were inseparable, much to the chagrin of his family, Charlie, and every girl at Forks High School.

I can't remember the last time I listened to anything musical in appreciation. Now, it was just a device to drown out everything around me.

"Bells, company!"

My first reaction was panic, which lasted all of the three seconds it took for Jacob Black to run up the steps and practically knock down my door. He barreled into me, knocking me over and sending my pen and journal to the floor. I tried not to touch him with my gross, snot-covered sleeve.

"Jake—is that really necessary?" Charlie was standing in the door frame with his arms crossed, gauging my reaction and trying to be the responsible adult and not laugh.

Jacob laughed, and I felt tears creep up behind my eyes. It had been so long since I'd been around him and his infectious, joyful spirit. Jacob Black was the closest I'd ever come to having a best friend. Our relationship had always been easy, effortless. Our dads were not so secret in their plot to get us together when we were younger, eyeing us happily when we would joke and rough-house. I knew the secret they didn't, though: Jake loved me, but he was in love with someone else, someone he'd known from when he was a kid. He would never tell me her name, but every now and then I'd worm some details from him. I knew that she had shiny black hair and great big, doe eyes — and she was an idiot for not noticing him. Jake was the best person I knew. He would give his last dollar away if he thought someone else needed it more.

"I missed you, Bella!" he practically yelled in my ear. I suddenly realized how big the arms that were holding me actually were.

"Jake," I wheezed, "Your herculean strength is crushing me!" Charlie cracked a smile and made excuses to go fix breakfast before he walked out of the room.

"It's not my fault you've gotten so thin! What are you doing, going for the supermodel look? I'm going to have to make you eat some cheeseburgers before you leave."

"Ha! Ha!" I mocked and smiled at him as he pulled away. Some of his warmth and sunshine stayed with me. "Geez, Jake, what are you doing to yourself? Maybe you should slow down on the steroids!"

"Hey, this is 100%, Grade A, all natural, Quileute, baby!"

I snickered and hit him with my pillow. "You're such a goof!"

"Yeah, I'm the goof that really missed you, Bells." I didn't like the way his tone had suddenly become serious. "Charlie says you don't want to talk about i—"

"I don't," I clipped. Awkward silence followed for several long moments.

"Okay. We don't have to, but you know..." He smiled suddenly, "Seth hasn't stopped mooning over you since you left."

I groaned and smacked him in the arm with my pillow again. "Aw, Jake!"

"He's been writing poems and songs and all the words are the same, 'Bella, Bella, Bella! I miss you, Bella!'" He sang very loudly and off key. The pillow didn't faze him much. I'd have to find something harder for next time.

I laughed and covered my face in my hands. Seth was a kid from the reservation. The boy followed me everywhere when I was younger. Personal boundaries meant nothing to the kid. He'd even followed me into the ladies' bathroom once. Jake used to tease me about him, mercilessly.

It felt nice to laugh again.

I spent the rest of the morning catching up with Jacob, while Charlie looked on happily. For once, things felt normal like they used to be. Peaceful.

When Jake left, I helped Charlie clean up the breakfast dishes and I went upstairs to take a shower. It occurred to me while I was washing my hair that no one had instructed me to do so. At home, I would go days without bathing and not really care. Renee would have to nag and give me ultimatums, usually threatening to have Phil throw me in the bathtub. I wondered what the difference was, being here in Forks. Maybe all I really needed was a good dose of happiness from Jake. It could have saved a lot of money spent on doctors' bills.

I scoffed at myself and thought of my Mom and Phil and all the hell I'd put them through. I hated the way I'd left things. Renee had begged and pleaded, screamed and cried the whole time I walked to the car. The memory of her voice made me cringe. Phil had created a barrier between us with his body the entire way, not even letting her hug me before he closed my door and drove off. For the first time I realized how odd that was. Phil was a good guy who was completely in love with my Mom. He seemed to make it his life goal to make her happy. I don't know what it was that changed so much that day, but I had a horrible, gut-wrenching feeling that I had a hand in it.

For the rest of the day, I couldn't seem to find a purpose; the last of Jake's influence seemed to have washed down the drain with my shampoo. I roamed aimlessly around the house picking up things only to put them right back, pausing every time my line of vision would reach the telephone. I jumped at every bump outside the door, and my hands would not stop shaking. I don't know what I thought I was waiting for... maybe someone from my past to rush in and scream at me, or a large group with pitchforks. Charlie mumbled something about bringing Jake over to spend some more time, but I barely heard him.

I counted down the hours, hyper aware of every pass of the clock hands above the mantel. One more sleep before I had to face Edward.

God help me.