Kinda Love

July 10
Dear Logan,

I am sorry. For everything. But currently, I am sorry that is has taken me so long to write you back. I've been trying to gather the strength and the courage to put down what I'm going to say into words.

I won't lie to you, when I went to check the mail and saw that I had received a letter from you, my heart skipped a beat and I was almost unable to comprehend what you had written to me. I had to read your letter maybe 5 times before I realized what you were actually saying to me.

I feel like I should dive in to my current situation, or life, if you will before I address what happened in the past. And why I gave no explanation to…then.

Clearly, the address that Zoey gave you is the right one, considering I got your letter and the invitation for the reunion. (Which I haven't decided if I'm going to go to or not.) The thing that I am really curious to know is how Zoey found out where I was living in the first place. I specifically chose this place knowing that people would probably not suspect me to live here. I was almost hoping that no one would find me. I don't feel like explaining that though.

I'm a guidance counselor, believe it or not. I still don't understand why exactly I took the job. I've never liked kids and they always find a way to piss me off. But I suppose I have compassion, or sympathy, or whatever you want to call it for some of the teenagers here.

France…I'm going to get on a more personal lever here. France was a mistake. I only went for a semester and then I came back. Only instead I enrolled in public school near my family. There are tedious details that I'm not going to get into, yet. But I fear that I'm not the same girl that you once knew…or at least I'm trying hard not to be.

If you can't tell, I'm trying my hardest to answer to your letter on a more professional level. I keep writing things by accident and then having to go back and erase them. I feel like if I'm not careful then I'll tell you what I'm really thinking. And that wouldn't be good for me. You know me as well; I don't like to get caught up in my emotions. I guess all I can really say in response to what you told me is 'diddo'…?

I can see that this is getting me nowhere. I left PCA in confusion and to this day I am still confused. My reason for leaving was…personal, I suppose. And I felt that it was better for no one else to know but me, not even my parents. I was going to take matters into my own hands and see what happened.

I tried my hardest to forget everything that we had together, thinking that in time you would forget all about me, but I can see that that never happened. I should have never left, but at the time, I thought that it was the right thing to do considering…the circumstances.

I hope that someday you can forgive you. My leaving wasn't necessarily your fault; there wasn't anything that you could've done to keep me. I left all on my own accord and that was that. Hopefully, we will see each other again soon. I miss you too.

It's crazy to think that we once had something so crazy, almost like love, together. Like we almost had each other. I know it's probably hard to understand what I am saying. I guess for the most part what I want to tell you is: not yet.

I hope you understand what that means. I don't know how much else to explain it.

Please write to me again & don't be too angry with me.

Love,
Dana