I know I'm no saint, sometimes I go for it
Sometimes I act nicely to win you over
But I'm not a goody two-shoes, I was raised on the streets
And I won't change my ways just to please you
If the sun streamed through the window in an attempt to wake Lisa up, it was dead wrong. She had been staring at the blank ceiling for most part of the night. She grabbed her cell phone, it was almost 7am, and she decided to get the hell out of that bed, took a shower and headed to the kitchen, to have a cup of tea. Having unpacked the night before, she finally found her iPod and immediately turned it on. Lisa was in a dire need to hear something else than her own thoughts. As the music began, she sat at the table, stirring that tea over and over...
Going through the motions
Ending up nowhere at all, can't see the sun on my wall.
Going through emotions
Ending up on a frozen morning, with a heart not even broken.
Seems I've been running all my life, all my life
Seems I've been running all my life, all my life, all my life, like watercolors in the rain…
Find a place to settle down
Get a job in a city nearby and watch the trains roll on by.
I'll find the falling star
I'll fall in love with the eyes of a dreamer, and a dream worth believing.
Seems I've been running all my life, all my life.
Seems I've been running all my life, all my life, all my life, like watercolors in the rain… (Roxette)
"Damn shuffle mode", she said to herself, her eyes hurting from holding back the tears. There wasn't a single verse in that song that wasn't true about her and that moment in her life. Finding a dream worth believing, however… was too hard to believe.
Lisa prepared James' milk, put it on the empty fridge, and that was when she heard a soft knock on the door. Alma's first comment took her by surprise.
"You look like shit."
Her honestly was something that Lisa could feel from the very beginning. And Lisa knew a thing or two about honesty, or the lack of it.
"I know. Couldn't sleep for a second. I keep thinking, you know… nevermind. James is still asleep, so… his toys are… all over the place, actually, there's milk and some cookies, I'll get more food when I come from the market. I guess it won't take long, right?"
"Just relax, will you? We'll be just fine and you go get your job. When you get there, go to your left and look for the office. Greg will be there."
"All right. See you."
Lisa went down the stairs, and Ralph's marked was down the street, a few blocks away. On her way, she saw that day care center that Alma had told her about. How perfect was that? Day care and work within less than a 5-minute walk.
The supermarket was just like millions of others, and to her left, a door with an "Office" sign. Lisa knocked, trying to be polite, and a man, probably in his fifties, opened up.
"Hi… I'm Lisa. Elisabeth." Lisa said, stuttering. "I'm here for the…"
"Yeah, Alma's friend. Come in." he said, closing the door behind him. His office was one of the most organized places Lisa had ever seen. A few stacks of paper, schedules on a wall. She sat in front of him, pulling at her jeans, anxious.
"Alma tells me you have no experience whatsoever."
"Well, uh… Actually I worked with my father for a few years, you know, doing administrative tasks, finance, accounting and so on. I'm pretty good with numbers, I can assure you that much."
What a flat out lie. Lisa hadn't seen her father in almost 10 years, but she needed that job so bad, she couldn't screw it up by telling the truth. Greg crossed his arms for a moment, and then put his hands on the table.
"I see. And you're new in town?"
"Yes. I've just moved in yesterday. I have three-year old son, James, and Detroit was not the best place to raise him."
"All right… and who's gonna look after James while you're working?"
"Alma told me that there's this day care… James will stay there, don't worry."
Greg looked at her for a few seconds with those inquiring eyes, and all of a sudden, he didn't seem so intimidating.
"You know, we do have an open position as a cashier. It doesn't require any experience anyway, but it does require that you have some brains. And something tells me that you have that."
"I do. I really do. I'm smart, and I can learn really fast. I won't let you down."
"You better not." Greg said, standing up. "Be here at 9 tomorrow. I'll arrange someone to coach you, and if you do well in the first days, the job is yours. All right?"
A bright smile enlightened her face as they shook hands.
"Thank you so much. You have no idea what it means to me."
"I guess I do. That's why I'm giving you a chance. Now here, I need you to fill in this form, you can bring it back tomorrow." He said, handing her a paper.
"Sure. Thanks again."
Lisa walked out on cloud nine. "I have a job… my God, I have a real job. I can make it work this time." Lisa thought, over and over again. The pieces of her life were finally falling into place, and the future wasn't a blur, it was taking shape, a beautiful shape. She entered the "Teddy Bear Daycare", and stopped by the reception. So far, everything looked clean and welcoming.
"Hi, I'd like to enroll my son… he's 3 years old."
The receptionist had the widest smile on her face.
"Hi! Sure! What's his name?"
"It's James…" Lisa said, searching for his birth certificate. "Shoot, I forgot his birth certificate at home. Can I bring it to you tomorrow?"
"No problem, just make sure you bring it. So, here are the admission forms…"
"This must be the boring part of normal life, forms and bureaucracy", Lisa thought. The receptionist showed her around, explained everything to Lisa, their schedules, spaces, activities, and Lisa was relieved. If she was to leave her son in a day care, it had to be a place like that.
"Wow, this is really good. You guys are doing an excellent job."
"Thank you. We'll wait for little James tomorrow then."
Coming home had a complete different taste now. And much to her surprise, when she opened the door, Alma and James were having a blast with building blocks. Lisa took a moment to inhale that moment, that happiness, that calm… feelings that she hadn't experimented in a while.
"Mom!" James shouted, coming over to hold on to Lisa's leg. Lisa picked him up and gave a big kiss on that soft cheek of his.
"Sweetie! I missed you so bad! Are you having fun? Yeah?"
"So, how was it?" Alma asked, standing up.
"Pretty good, I guess… I'll start tomorrow."
"I told you!"
"Yeah, Greg seems to be a nice man. A little scary at first, but real nice."
"I know. He has that old sheriff look, but he's such a sweetheart. You'll end up loving him."
Lisa smiled.
"This is so great, I mean… I arrived yesterday, and today I have a home and I'm employed. I could never imagine that things would happen this fast."
"It's a new life, babe, coming your way. Embrace it."
"Now, can I ask you… why you're doing all this? I mean, the apartment, the job, the day care… I just want to understand, you know."
Alma looked right at her.
"That person who called me from Detroit told me what you're running away from. And believe me, I've seen that kind of thing happen way too many times. I wanna help you out because I know that you could use a hand to start over. We all deserve a second chance, don't we?"
Lisa lowered her head. She never deserved anything, it was hard to accept that she deserved all that.
"I just hope you can find some safety here, so that you can move on. It's right there, in your face, you've been so battered and bruised, to a point where you can't raise our heads anymore. You can't let that happen. You're much too young for that."
Lisa felt the tears warming up her eyes, and looked away.
"I appreciate it. I really, really do."
"So… enjoy your time with your little one… tomorrow's a brand new day, girl."
Alma left and Lisa allowed herself to sit on the floor and just be there for her son, she had waited a long time for this. Just the two of them, no fears, no worries, and a whole lot of hope.
As expected, it was one more time of insomnia, that damn mattress, those damn thoughts… but that night was different. She was anxious in a good way, no one could imagine how important that job was for her. It was a milestone in her life. That's why, even with a few hours of sleep, she was more excited than ever in the next morning. Lisa woke James up, tried to get him excited about the idea of going to the day care, but her heart was torn into pieces… it was the first time she'd be away from James for a whole day.
They left early, with plenty of time to stop by and make little snowballs, and Lisa promising him that they would build a big snowman on the weekend. In front of Teddy Bear, Lisa kneeled down, to look into his hazel eyes.
"James, mom has got to work now, ok? So you're gonna stay here with all these kids, you'll play a lot, watch cartoons, listen to stories, draw, all sorts of fun stuff. All right? Can you do that for mom?"
She saw as his eyes started to well up, and her first impulse was to pick him up and go straight back home. Instead, she picked him up and went inside. One of the teachers came out, her arms reaching out to welcome us.
"You must be James!"
But James wouldn't give in, and started whining as the teacher picked him up. Lisa knew that, the longer she stayed, the harder it would be. So she just gave the teacher his bag and birth certificate, kissed him on the forehead, and left… before he could see that she was about to cry as well. And when she knocked on Greg's door, her eyes were still a bit reddish, and his first words were "Are you ok?"
"Yeah, I just… I just dropped James at the day care."
"Oh, I see. You're early."
"Better early than late. I didn't know how things were gonna go with James, so…"
"All right. Let's get to work, get your mind busy, and before you realize it, it will be time to see James again."
Greg showed her around, from the warehouse to the bathrooms, all the areas, the product displays. Lisa was so eager to learn, she tried to squeeze all the information in her brain, she didn't want to miss one single detail.
"Kat? This is Elisabeth, our new cashier."
Lisa felt something almost threatening, bordering indifference, as Kat sized her up. But it all went away with one smile of hers, and I sighed in relief. A little sparkling jewel on Kat's tooth reminded Lisa of her piercing days.
"Hey Elisabeth, nice to meet you… welcome to Ralph's, Boston's greatest market!", she said, joking.
"I bet it is, but please, just call me Lisa."
"All right, Lisa, let's get started!"
"I see you girls are getting along, so I'm out. Let me know if you need anything, all right?" Greg said, walking away.
"Excited?" Kathryn asked, while Lisa sat on her bench and started turning on the equipment.
"You have no idea." Lisa didn't expect to be that enthusiastic. She needed to keep herself straight to get that job… and she also needed that job to keep it straight.
One hour later, Lisa was all set. Kathryn had gone through the whole process a lot of times, with some variations in it, so that Lisa could gather as much information as she needed. And the truth was that the job wasn't that hard at all. They had lunch together, Lisa was introduced to other co-workers, and the day went by with Lisa catching up to her tasks, trying not to think that much about James.
It was all going well, until a group of guys entered the market. She could feel that every head turned to look at them, but not directly, afraid. They were gang members, and certainly frightening to the average citizen, but not to Lisa. Instead of being frightened, she felt compelled by one of them, probably their leader. He was walking in front of the other two ones, his head up high, taking large steps, a tribe tattoo crawling its way out of his leather jacket, onto his neck. He and his crew walked around, quickly, and Lisa couldn't help it… she had to find out who they were.
"Kat! Hey, Kathryn!"
"Yeah."
"Who are those guys?"
"They're just a stupid gang from around here, drug dealers. They're small fish, but everybody's scared nonetheless, as they're pretty rough. Why do you wanna know anyway?"
"I don't know. That guy is kinda hot. The bald one."
Kathryn burst a nervous laugh.
"What? Lisa, you're sick, sick, sick! Did you see those tattoos?" she asked, agitated, pointing to her own neck.
"Yeah, I saw the tattoos. Wanted to see a little more, though." Lisa said, blushing a bit. It wasn't like her to say something like that, but the words just slipped from her tongue.
"You just hit jackpot then. They're coming your way."
The bald guy placed all the items in front of her, she tried her best not to look up. First, you better not face a gang member unless you have a good reason, and second, she didn't want to run the risk of being attracted to him. Given her past choices, that was very likely to happen. The beep of the scanner went on, processing the items, all the usual stuff: bleach, disinfectants, baking soda, bottles of cheap whiskey and vodka, packs of cigarettes. But as they say, shit happens.
"Damn it", Lisa shook her head, in disbelief. "Sorry, the bleach was registered twice. I'll get my supervisor to delete one of the items, ok?"
The moment she turned that little red light on, she knew it wouldn't be ok. They were no different from so many other gang members she knew and dealt with. Still, the bald guy gave her chills, for the wrong reasons. And as the leader, he was the first to speak up, with a husky voice that resounded inside Lisa.
"Do we look like we've got time to waste," he looked at her temporary badge, "Trainee?"
"I'm pretty sure you don't, but you're gonna have to wait anyway."
A younger man from the crew decided to add his two cents of irony.
"How hard it is to get a fucking item to pass through a scanner, Freckles?"
Lisa stared at him, wondering if he thought that that was a new joke. She'd lost count of how many times she had heard that in her life, she truly didn't care anymore. The answer was on the tip of her tongue.
"Probably not as hard as cooking something with all this stuff you're taking with you", she stated, wiping the smirk off his dumbfounded face. Their leader wrapped up the conversation.
"Why don't you just shut up and get your fucking job done?"
Then it happened… Lisa looked at him, shamelessly. He squinted his eyes, gazing firmly at her, waiting for Lisa to flinch or back down, which she didn't. She held her breath until the very moment when the supervisor came in and deleted that item. Lisa got the other items through, and the guys packed them up.
"That's 92.19."
He opened his well-worn wallet, and handed a 100 dollar bill to Lisa.
"Keep the change. Might wanna invest in a fucking concentration training."
And they left, as hastily as they had come in. Lisa didn't even listen to Kat's comment.
"Jesus. That guy scares the living shit out of me."
In spite of that particular event, Lisa was ultimately proud of herself, carrying a bag of groceries, whistling freely. Soon the smile on her face gave way to a frown, as she heard steps and instantly knew she was being stalked. Her steps grew quicker, her heart already racing, but the bump from behind her was inevitable, making the groceries fall to the ground. A bunch of boys quickly passed by her, grabbed her purse and ran away. All that Lisa could do was to yell at them.
"You fuckers! Come back here, you sissies! Fuck! Fuck!"
She ran her fingers through her hair, screaming at a God which she thought had long abandoned her, "What else? What else now, huh?". She furiously threw everything back into the paper bag and went on to get James, fuming with anger. Her son had no blame at all, but Lisa couldn't disguise her indignation. Arriving home, she had to tell somebody, and it wouldn't be the cops.
"Good night… not! What happened?" Alma asked, seeing the look on Lisa's face. She put the bag on the floor, and James started to look inside, seeing if there was anything interesting.
"I was mugged! Can you believe that?"
"Mugged? When? How?"
"Right now, on my way home!"
"Weird. People usually don't get mugged around here. Since you just moved, they probably thought you were from some place else."
"That's great. I got no documents on me, no money, nothing! Oh, this is the worst day ever!", she ranted, walking across the hallway.
"Did you get to see them, at least?"
"Yeah, there were three of them, none older than, say, 16, all male, all white. One of them was wearing a Celtics hood sweater. Punk. Man, I knew I shouldn't have left my pocket knife at home."
Alma widened her eyes, and that was when Lisa realized that Alma didn't know a thing about her past. She got closer, as she could never let James hear what she was about to say.
"Yeah, well, I was a gang member.", Lisa confessed, with a touch of disdain for herself.
"Life has a sick sense of irony, I guess."
"Tell me 'bout it. These things make me so mad, and I can't be mad. It brings out my… B-side."
"Hey, I don't ever wanna see that side of yours. But if you were ever in a gang, you know how this works. Tomorrow morning you'll have your purse back."
"I better, or I'll chase those punks on my own, and boy, they won't like what I'll do to them." Lisa said, feeling the blood rushing to her cheeks. Alma shook her head in disapproval.
"I'm sorry, all right? I have a hard time trying to keep my shit together. You have no idea what I've been through."
"I can only imagine. But you better control yourself." She said, looking at James, who was still entertained by the groceries.
"I know."
A part of her really wanted the best for James, but there was this rebel in her that wanted out, all the time. It was a lifetime battle.
The three guys packed into Billy's car and left the supermarket. The girl has left Billy puzzled by a reason he couldn't quite understand. But Heco was, by far, the most aprehensive one.
"Did you see that cashier bitch? Did you see that fucking attitude?"
Billy searched his pockets, and lit up a smoke, as Joe tried to talk like a tough man that he wasn't.
"Fucking idiot. Can't even get her job right."
Billy looked at Joe through the rear view mirror. That talk was starting to piss him off, but Heco kept on. The guy never knew when to stop.
"I don't like her. Did you see the way she talked about cooking stuff? She talked like she knew what we do!"
"Won't you calm the fuck down?" Billy said, raising his voice. He had more important things to worry about than some girl. "How the fuck did you go from 'stupid girl who can't pass a god damn thing though a scanner", to 'smart girl who knows how to cook meth'?
They shut up for a second.
"I don't know. I just don't like her, man", Heco wrapped up.
They pulled off in front of the office, and as they went upstairs, Bodie and Tommy were trying to hold down a very restless kid.
"Whoa, what the fuck is going on?"
"I didn't do nothing, man, I didn't do nothing!", the boy squealed.
"Hey, I haven't even asked you anything yet!" Bodie replied, and then turned to Billy. "We caught him like five minutes ago, running around with this purse, one block from my place."
Billy shook his head. Muggers were not welcome, not in his hood. He snapped the purse from the kid's hands.
"Are you fucking trying to ruin my business? That what you want?"
"No man, no! Please, just let me go, I gotta go home!"
"If any of us catch you mugging people around here once again, you know what's gonna happen to you, right?"
"I know, you're gonna kill me, please man, please!", the kid started crying in desperation.
"Now you're crying? Fuck, show some balls! We're not gonna kill you", Billy stated calmly. "Maybe rip off a few of your fingernails, just to get started." He motioned Bodie to let him go, and the kid ran for his life.
Billy put the purse over a table, opened it and pulled out a wallet.
"Let's see what we got here. Well, well, well… talk about coincidence", he said, showing that cashier's driver's license to Joe and Heco.
"That's her, that's that bitch! No way, man. Oh, no way."
"Well, she's 27… 27? Hell, she looks 22. But wait, it gets better. She has two different licenses, one from Detroit and one from Minneapolis."
That was definitely saying something about her, and now Billy knew he had reasons to be puzzled after all.
"Let me see that", Bodie said, getting one of the licenses from Billy's hand. "Elisabeth? Alma just told me that a girl named Elisabeth moved to the apartment upstairs. Could be her. She's new in town, people don't know her, she doesn't know the place… she could get mugged."
"All right. Run a little background check on her, give her purse back, and tell her to come by Four Roses tomorrow night. Let's… apologize." Billy said, with an evil smirk on his lips. That ought to be fun.