...
SCENE II: à la caméra, Nnoitra et Szayel
...

Szayel was strutting down the hallway of Las Noches on his way to Nnoitra's room.

"Are you serious?" Szayel said in a shocked tone, holding his pink phone to his ear as he conversed with Nnoitra, "I can't believe she called your hair ugly. Is she blind? Like, what- oh, hold on Nnoi, I'm here. Open your door."

The door opened to reveal Nnoitra, in a t shirt and (really long) sweatpants, his hair pulled back into a high ponytail. Some of the front strands are still loose and frame his face.

"Yo." Nnoitra leans against the door frame as Szayel walks in.

"Hey," Szayel dumps his bag on the ground, "I just remembered, why do you keep calling your fraccion a piece of crap? I've noticed you've been doing that a lot."

Nnoitra plops down on his bed, "I have this theory. I bet if I keep calling Tesla a piece of crap, eventually he will really believe that he's a piece of crap!"

Szayel says, "That's stupid."

"You're stupid. Hey, you got the camera?"

Szayel smirks and opens his satchel, "You bet." and takes out a small, handheld video camera.

"Great." Nnoitra pulls out a camera tripod from underneath his bed. He and Nnoitra set it up.

The camera starts with Nnoitra. He is sitting at a table.

Nnoitra says, "You got the stuff?"

Szayel appears, carrying a small bag of stuff as well as a mirror. "Yep. (to camera) Hey guys, Szayel Aporro Granz here."

Nnoitra adds, "You can call him SAG for short. I'm Nnoitra Jiruga, the greatest espada to ever live."

Szayel says, "You wish, Nnoitra."

Nnoitra says, "When your Espada number is higher then mine, then you can think about correcting me, Pinky. Not until then."

Szayel rolls his eyes and looks back at the camera, "Says the guy who needed my help to defeat Neliel."

Nnoitra yells, "SHUT UP, THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO!"

Tesla appears, "Nnoitra-sama, I am bored. May I join you in your activities?"

Nnoitra says in an annoyed tone, "First of all, no. We're doing important Espada business that you noob fraccion can't understand. Got it? Second of all, stop fucking following me everywhere. Third, your a piece of crap. And fourth, do not piss me off again, bitch, because it would be a shame to get blood on that shirt of yours."

Tesla walks away, looking down at his shirt the whole time.

Grimmjow, Halibel, and Starrk appear.

Grimmjow asks "What're you two dipshits doing?"

Nnoitra snorts, "Your mom."

Halibel laughs, "Ooh, burn."

Grimmjow counters, "Shut up Halibel, or I'll tell everyone about that manga character you have a crush on."

Halibel blushes, "You wouldn't!"

Szayel focuses the camera on them, "Oh, do tell!"

Grimmjow faces the camera, "You know Kisame from the manga Naruto? Hali's crazy about him."

Everyone starts to giggle. Halibel blushes furiously, "It's not funny! And besides, it's not true!"

Grimmjow says, "Yes, it is. You have all of his fights bookmarked on your laptop."

Halibel's eyes get dark, "You looked through my computer?"

Grimmjow says, "...No?"

Halibel faces the camera and yells, "Grimmjow drinks out of the toilet!"

Grimmjow's angry yelling is heard behind her, "NO, I DON'T!"

Starrk, who has been silent the whole time, speaks, "What're you doing, Nnoitra?"

Szayel turns the camera back to Nnoitra, who is dressed in Ulquiorra's uniform. He's tucked his hair into the shirt collar, giving the appearance that his hair is shoulder-length, and has a white cereal bowl on his head. A lock of his hair falls across his forehead.

Szayel snickers softly as Nnoitra pulls out green eyeliner and carefully draws lines running down his face, starting from his eyes all the way down.

Halibel giggles.

Nnoitra glares, "Trash, what're you laughing at?"

"Holy shit." Grimmjow says, shivering, "You're just like him."

Nnoitra pulls out black nail polish and proceeds to do his nails. "I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am."

Szayel chuckles softly, "Wonder what he would say?"

Neliel appears. "What's going on?"

"Fuck." Nnoitra curses, holding his hand mirror directly in front of his face in attempt to hide from Nel.

Neliel stares at Nnoitra.

"Ulquiorra?"

Everyone bursts out laughing.

Halibel pokes Nel "That's Nnoitra, Neliel-san."

Neliel stares at Nnoitra wide-eyed.

Nnoitra snaps "Trash, what're you staring at?"

Neliel's face immediatly goes back into it's superior look. "I can't believe you would stoop so low as to make fun of your own comrades, Nnoitra."

Szayel snickers and says to the camera, "Ooh, she doesn't know the half of it. She hasn't seen Nnoitra with Tesla."

Nnoitra says, "Trash aren't supposed to speak, Neliel."

Everyone giggles.

Neliel counters, "Then stop talking, Nnoitra."

"You first."

Nnoitra and Neliel glare daggers at each other.

Szayel sighs romantically, "Ahh, spring! When a young man's hatred turns to love!"

Nnoitra throws green eyeliner at him, "Shut up, trash."

Neliel adds, "Besides, there are no seasons in Hueco Mundo."

"What is going on here?"

Everyone turns to see Ulquiorra standing there. Ulquiorra himself is dressed in a normal shirt and sweatpants, signifying he has just come from exercizing.

Grimmjow snickers, "Busted."

Nnoitra looks at Ulquiorra's outfit up and down and shrieks, "Holy shit, I'm going out of fashion!" and runs off.

Szayel's voice is heard, "Hey, wait!" and runs after him. The camera shakes wildly as he does.

...

The camera cuts to Nnoitra and Szayel, back in Nnoitra's room again. Both of them are seen sitting around lazily.

"This is so boring." Szayel declares. Nnoitra sighs, and sits up.

"I'm going to go pester Neliel to fight me."

"You always do that."

"But we've never taped it before. Besides, I'll make it interesting." he winks at the camera.

"Ok, I'll come along."

...

The camera cuts to Nnoitra, who's back is to the camera, walking, his zanpakuto leaning on his shoulder.

"Neliel."

Nel appears in the scene. "What?"

"Fight me."

Neliel rolls her eyes, "We will not go through this again, Nnoitra. How many times must I say no?"

"Until you get bored with saying no and say yes."

"No." Neliel begins to walk away. Nnoitra follows.

"Why not?"

"I already told you before." Neliel says, turning towards him, "Didn't I?"

Nnoitra rolls his eyes, "No mom, you didn't. Care to enlighten me?"

Neliel ignores his comment, "I told you, you are a beast. I cannot accept you as a warrior. I have no desire to be burdened with the life of one who is no warrior."

Neliel turns around to walk away, but Nnoitra snickers, "Heheh, that's what she said."

Neliel whips around, glaring dangerously, "Excuse me?"

"It's ok, Neli, you don't have to hide it anymore..." Nnoitra runs a hand through his hair, "Am I that irresistable?"

"Go fuck yourself!"

"Why should I when I have you to do that for me?"

"ARGHH!" Neliel shrieks, before stomping away.

Szayels snickers, and Nnoitra grins.

...

Nnoitra is seen staring at his cell phone, looking annoyed.

Szayel sits opposite to him with the camera.

"Dude, what is it?"

Nnoitra says, "Why did I have to get the stupidist fraccion in the history of Hueco Mundo?"

Szayel sighs, "Tesla texted you again?"

Nnoitra says in a disgusted tone, "He wants me to go on a picnic with him. What does he think I am, his lover?"

Szayel nods, "Probably."

Nnoitra says, "He's such a friggin' fag. Look what the text says."

Szayel reads, "Nnoitra-sama, won't you please come to the picnic? It'll be so much fun!❤ ... Oh god, gross! He did a heart icon!"

Nnoitra nods, "I'm gonna text him back."

"What're you gonna say?"

"Tesla, your a piece of crap."

"Ah...I should've known-"

"Nnoitra-sama!"

Nnoitra groans, "Oh shit, he found me, again. What did he do, sniff me out?"

Szayel chuckles and turns the camera so Tesla comes into view. He is waving happily at Nnoitra.

Nnoitra claps a hand over his eyes and says, "What, bitch?"

"Won't you pleeeeasssse come for the picnic? It's gonna be really fun-"

"No."

"What? But whyyy?"

"I don't want to."

"But I wanted you to coooome-"

"Stop whining."

"But Nnoitra-samaaa-"

"That's it." Nnoitra grabs Tesla by the collar, easily lifting him up and throws him over his shoulder.

"Wh- Nnoitra-sama?" Tesla shrieks, his hands on his face, which is red, "What are you-"

Nnoitra says "Hope you like wet garbage, Teslie." and puts Tesla headfirst in the trash can.

Tesla cries, "What did I do wrong, Nnoitra-sama?"

"You keep breathing."

Neliel appears. "Nnoitra, there you are! I-"

Tesla cries, "I can't breathe, it smells too bad! Nnoitra-sama, get me out, please!"

Nnoitra says matter of factly, "Last time I checked Tesla, pieces of crap don't talk."

Neliel gasps, "Tesla? (runs over to trash can) What happened?" and tries to pull him out.

Nnoitra turns to Szayel, "Now, let's make a run for it!"

Both run away laughing.

...

The camera cuts to Nnoitra and Szayel in Nnoitra's room, for the third time. Both are properly dressed in their Espada uniforms.

Szayel says to the camera, "So, guess what? The picnic Tesla was talking about is actually being hosted by Aizen-sama. And it's for all of us, so we're actually attending."

Nnoitra grumbles, "I swear, if Tesla follows me around..."

"He's like, your little dog, isn't he?"

"Yep. The little shit can't seem to stay away from me."

There is a knock at the door.

Nnoitra goes and opens the door to reveal Neliel.

Nnoitra raises an eyebrow at her, "Hey, babe. What's up? I'm not free tonight, sorry."

Neliel growls in a dangerously low tone, "Not , a single word, Nnoitra Jiruga. I cannot believe you."

Nnoitra rolls his eyes, "What now, mom?"

Neliel steps towards him, poking him harshly in the chest, "Is it true that you walked in on Orihime-chan when she was taking a shower? Just because of your stupid shampoo?"

Nnoitra frowns, "HEY, it was not just shampoo, it was conditioner, too, shit-for-brains."

"So?"

"Vanilla-scented shampoo and conditioner!"

"Nnoitra!"

"Neliel!" Nnoitra shrieks, imitating Nel's high, shrieky tone.

"You're such a jerk!"

"Does it look like I care? C'mon Nel, don't be such a dipshit."

Nel growls dangerously, "If I ever hear about something like this again, I will sneak into your room at night and castrate you."

Nnoitra raises an eyebrow and grins, "The first part sounds nice."

"Do not underestimate me. I will do it."

"Is that a threat?"

"It's a promise." Neliel calls back as she walks off.

"Ohoho, bitch." Nnoitra laughs.

...

The camera cuts to the large dining room in Las Noches.

Silence is filled in the room as everyone eats quietly.

Szayel giggles softly as he turns the camera around the table, zooming in on random things.

When he gets to Aizen, he gulps, as Aizen has the slightest smidge of a frown on.

"Szayel, please put the camera away."

"S-Sorry."

...

The camera cuts to Nnoitra and Szayel outside.

Szayel sighs, "For a second, I though Aizen-sama was going to destroy the camera or something."

Nnoitra snickers, "You have to admit, that'd be pretty funny."

"Yeah, for you maybe, because it's not your camera." Szayel leans against a railing, "It's nice out tonight."

Nnoitra makes a disgusted face, "Dude, shut up. You sound so gay."

Szayel's face is puzzled, "What? All I said was that it was nice out tonight!"

Nnoitra stares at him for a moment. "Oh, ok. Never mind."

Szayel shakes his head, "You've always got something perverted on your mind, don't you?"

Nnoitra snaps, "Says the guy who's own freaking zanpakuto's name means "to fornicate"!"

Szayel yells, "WE CANNOT CHOOSE WHAT ZANPAKUTO WE ARE BOUND TO!"

Tesla comes outside for air.

Nnoitra quickly calls out, "Tesla, you're a piece of crap."

Tesla retreats back into the house.

...

The camera cuts to all of the Espada, as well as Aizen, Gin, Tousen, and Orihime, outside.

Nnoitra says, "Well, that wasn't so bad."

Szayel chuckles, "And surprisingly, Tesla-chan hasn't come to bother you once."

Nnoitra says, "What about the time he came outside?"

Szayel says, "But he didn't say anything to you."

Nnoitra snorts, "So? Just being there in enough. (looks around) Dude, This is boring as shit. Let's go to my room, I-"

Szayel interupts, "Now that sounded wrong."

"Shut up, fornicator-boy!"

"Haha, I'm just kidding. What were you saying?"

"Yes." Nnoitra tosses his hair, "Before this dipshit interupted me, I was saying, I noticed that Hueco Mundo doesn't have enough advertising. Soul Society has all this stuff- like the women's association, the newspaper."

Szayel says, "So what are you thinking?"

"So I'm thinking, we should go a step ahead of those losers and make our own tv show!"

Szayel stares at him. "Tv show? About what, our daily lives?"

"No. I'll show you, I made a poster."

Tesla pops out of nowhere, "A poster of what, Nnoitra-sama? Can I see it?"

Nnoitra gets really pissed, and walks up to Tesla, "I TOLD YOU (punch) NOT TO PISS (punch) ME OFF (punch) YOU LITTLE CRAP!"

...

The camera cuts to Nnoitra on his hands and knees, looking under his bed.

Szayel's voice is heard, "Did you find it?"

"Yep." Nnoitra sits up, a rolled up poster in his hands. He takes the rubber band off and uses it like a slingshot at Szayel.

Szayel dodges the rubber band. "Imbecile."

Nnoitra chuckles and unrolls the poster, "Screw you. Hey, check it out."

Szayel reads, "Hueco Mundo's Next Top Model...?"

Nnoitra nods.

Szayel glares at Nnoitra through his glasses, "Why are YOU on the front of the poster? It makes sense that Aizen-sama is in the back...but why are you so in the front?"

"It's my poster, I can do what I want!" Nnoitra says matter-of-factly, "Besides, this is my own original idea. It's not like I'd be participating in it, anyways."

Szayel pauses, "Wait, why?"

"Because I only have one eye."

"So?"

"So?" Nnoitra shrieks, "You dumbass, have you ever seen a model with only one eye? No! I'll be a judge."

"It's a pretty good idea, I'll give you that."

"I know. My genius will finally be recognized by everyone."

"Too bad Illforte's dead, he would've loved this." Szayel shook his head. "I guess I really did take all of the good genes in the family."

"Yeah, well he wasn't the one with pink hair." Nnoitra snickers.

"I TOLD YOU, WE CANNOT CHOOSE WHAT HAIR COLOR WE ARE BORN WITH!"