From his head to his toes James Potter was exhausted. He was stumbling back to Gryffindor tower after a particularly brutal Quidditch practice that had lasted for far too long. He could have cut the practice short at any time, he was the captain afterall. But James was convinced that if he was too tired to think about her he would stop feeling so depressed that she loved another man.

His teammates had shuffled off after the first two hours leaving him to continue the practice alone, attempting to play all the positions by himself. He had decided to call it quits after about half an hour when he finally realized how ridiculous he was being but then hadn't been able to leave for another half an hour while he tried to locate the snitch.

When he reached his dormitory it was oddly dark, quiet and strangely devoid of its inhabitants. He made his way to his four poster bed pulling off his clothes as he went. He placed his glasses and wand on his nightstand and dove under the covers of his bed. He felt something rubbery brush against his arm and suddenly heard a loud 'Bwwwaaaaakkkkk' emit from his bed.

He screamed loudly as he jumped out of bed grabbed his wand and started firing curses at his bed. Each time one of his spells hit the bed there were more 'Bucck buccck buckwaaaakkkk's' and more panicked screams from James.

"Incendio! There's a bloody cockatrice in my bed!" he yelled, hoping someone would hear him.

"Bucckkkkaawww!"

"REDUCTO!"

"BWAAAAAAKAKAAKK"

He was now standing on top of Remus' bed in his underwear firing spells at his bed where the dreaded cockatrice lay in wait for him. When he stopped to catch his breath he noticed it was raining feathers, his mattress and bedding ruined beyond repair and a small blue fire had begun licking at his bed frame. That's also when he detected Sirius in the corner of the room with his fist stuffed in his mouth laughing so hard he could barely breathe and clutching his sides.

"Oh Merlin my sides," he gasped while wiping the tears in his eyes away before dissolving into laugher again.

"Padfoot, shutup! This is serious! There is a demented cockatrice on the loose in this room that is trying to kill me! It planned an ambush and was most likely going to kill me in my sleep!" roared James as he jumped off Remus' bed dropped to the floor and rolled over to Sirius. He was trying to pull his hysterical roommate down to the floor in case the cockatrice decided to attack again but Sirius refused to budge.

"It's…it's not… a cockatrice Prongs," he managed to get out as he struggled to keep his laughter under control. "You… should have seen your face. And your screams! Bloody hell this was too perfect. Who knew a simple toy from a Muggle prank shop would give me such stupendous results? Merlin, I can't believe Moony and Wormtail missed this."

"WHAT?" James roared as he grabbed Sirius by the collar and pushed him up against the wall, "What Muggle toy?"

Sirius pulled James' hands off his collar and made his way to the destroyed bed and pulled out something that looked like a deflated yellow ball and threw it at James who screamed and ducked before it could hit him. This only sent Sirius into another fit of laughter.

"Prongs, has anyone told you that you scream like a bloody girl? Get a hold of yourself it's a rubber bloody chicken and not a demented half rooster half crocodile bloody Cockatrice!"

"I scream like a girl, do I?" asked James realizing that he had been pranked and not at all pleased. "When I'm done with you Padfoot you'll LOOK like a girl!" James fired a spell at Sirius as he bolted away. The spell caught him just as he whipped out of sight and his long hair was now covered in a multitude of glittering pink bows. James grabbed the rubber chicken at his feet and ran after Sirius.

Lily and Marlene were studying in the common room when they heard the commotion coming from the stairs to the boys' dormitory. They looked up just in time to see Sirius and James falling down the stairs and landing in a tangle of arms and legs. James was covered in feathers and nearly naked as he attempted to tie what appeared to be a rubber chicken around his friend's neck. Sirius was looking more like a transvestite than ever in a frilly pink frock with his face bedecked in clownish makeup and his hair covered in pink bows.

Sirius was able to finally pull one of his arms free and wasted no time in punching James in the side. Winded, James let go of Sirius and the rubber chicken, rolled away and bent over to recuperate. Sirius untied the chicken from around his neck and slapped the bent over James with it across his buttocks with a resounding THWACK! James yelped and grabbed his butt cheeks. At this the common room that had been silently watching the scene unfold exploded into laughter. Arse stinging with pain and (both sets of) cheeks red with embarrassment James refused to look up from his position on the floor to check whether Lily was among those laughing at him, he was absolutely not going to let Sirius win this fight.

He quickly assessed the situation and shot a body binding spell at Sirius who immediately fell over. James crawled over to Sirius' prone form and saw his eyes widen in fear. He stuck his bloody feathered fingers into Sirius' mouth to pry it open and stuffed the rubber chicken into it as far as it would go then punched his friend square in the jaw and collapsed beside him on the floor where they both lay exhausted, bruised, and gasping for air.

The common room burst into a hundred different conversations at once. Some even began to clap and holler, while others demanded an encore.

"That was just like the clown show I caught at the Muggle Circus this summer!"

"What spell do you think they used to deflate a chicken like that? I have half a mind to do that to my toad, he takes up so far too much room on my nightstand."

"James Potter in his underwear was not the sight I had hoped it would be."

"However, Sirius Black in a dress is exactly what I hoped it would be."

"Eugh, Bertram put your weird boner away. No one wants to hear about your fetish for men in dresses."

"Do you smell smoke?"

James didn't pay any mind to what his fellow Gryffindors were discussing; he was trying to gather his courage to finally look over at Lily. He turned his head and located her mane of red hair by the fireplace where she was sitting rather close to Remus. They were talking animatedly and she was laughing at something he was saying. James huffed as he began to ponder why he was friends with such traitorous cretins.

He poked the unconscious Sirius in the side with his wand to undo the body bind and picked himself up off the floor. He needed to deal with Remus Lupin and give him a piece of his mind.

He said he wasn't interested. Now look at him, his knees touching hers as they sit by the fire! How bloody romantic. It's a verifiable public display of affection is what it is. Oh, a ruddy hair flip? Is it really necessary to show her how tossable your hair is, Lupin? She's already all over you, there's no need to impress her further.

James made his way over slowly, his right knee wobbling a little after his tumble down the stairs. He found himself standing in front of Remus gritting his teeth and glaring murderously but not saying a word. Remus eyed him curiously and Lily looked up at him in surprise and blushed.

Probably embarrassed to be caught touching knees with her lover and his bloody tossable hair.

James tried to toss his hair in an imitation of Remus and only succeeded in dislodging some of the feathers from his hair.

"Potter, are you quite alright?" Lily asked looking concerned at the bloody, feathered and boxer clad boy. James broke his murderous one sided glaring contest with his friend's knee and turned to look at her. That was when James realized he couldn't quite well deliver his planned speech for Remus about being a woman stealer in front of the very girl he was referring to and suddenly everything just came out in a jumble.

"A cockatrice tried to sleep with me but …just a muggle toy and Sirius is the one who looks like a girl but you're… you lied to me you said you didn't even like…! The knee sex says otherwise you traitorous knobbly kneed bastard, Lupin!" And with that off his chest James cursed Remus' thumbs off and walked away in a huff leaving Lily and Remus to look at him in confusion and a little bit of fear.

"My thumbs!"

"You'll get them back when you deserve them! I'm going to bed." James called over his shoulder as he made his way upstairs. When he made it to the dormitory he had to sit on Peter's bed and watch as the House Elves worked in a little firefighter team to put out the fire devouring the remains of his bed and bring in a replacement bed.

"Knee sex? What in the name of Merlin was that all about? And why is he going to bed at a quarter past seven?" Lily asked Remus and Marlene.

"Who cares? That mad bastard cursed off my thumbs!" wailed Remus rubbing the part of his hands where his thumbs used to be against his face and looking close to tears. He ran out of the common room claiming the need to look up a counter curse in the Library. Lily didn't have the heart to tell him how difficult turning pages would be without his thumbs.

"Are you sure you still like him after that?" asked Marlene quite concerned for her friend's sanity.

"I admit, it is a little hard to remember why I like him after that, but like I said he has his good and bad moments, like everyone else. The bad moments have just been more um… infrequent over the years."

"Right. Well you do realize you're defending someone who just fell down the stairs, beat up his best friend, stuffed a rubber chicken into his mouth, then stormed over here and ranted at his other best friend about a cockatrice and knee sex, then cursed off his thumbs, and all while being coated in feathers and blood?"

"Erm… yes?"

"Well, no one ever said love was logical. So have you put any thought into our strategy to make him laugh?"

"A little," Lily said wincing, "you can catch the first showing of 'Lily acting like a fool to impress a boy' at breakfast tomorrow."

Breakfast the next morning was a tense affair between the Marauders. No one spoke and the silence was only broken by Remus struggling to eat his porridge without his thumbs. His spoon kept splashing back into the bowl and splattering his robes with porridge but he bore his punishment in silence. He had received a lecture series on "The Inappropriateness of Stealing Another Man's Woman" earlier this morning that included classics like "Why knee sex is not acceptable in public", "Don't toss your hair when there are disadvantaged males nearby without natural buoyancy in their hair", "You said you weren't interested!" and of course, "Hands off, you filthy werewolf".

Sirius and James were both sporting matching black eyes but seemed to be getting along again. James had even congratulated him on a prank well done and asked him several technical questions about the exact uses of a rubber chicken. Peter was sorry to have missed last night's entertainment but not too sorry seeing as he had been otherwise occupied at the time playing a rather voracious game of tonsil quidditch with the Gryffindor seeker in a broom cupboard.

The Gryffindor table had begun to fill up with people as the morning wore on and to the Marauders collective surprise Lily Evans had decided to abandon her usual spot in the middle of the table and sit beside them at the very end of the table. They had chosen this spot years ago for the quick exit it offered them if any of their pranks went awry.

She sat down beside Remus with a bright smile plastered on her face and started shovelling food onto her plate. She looked up at James to make sure he was watching, she wanted him to see just how very droll and witty she could be. He looked a great deal better this morning than he did the previous night. The top two buttons on his crisp oxford shirt were undone giving her a tantalising view of his exposed chest. She cleared her throat and looked away from his exposed skin, she needed to nail her comedic timing and didn't need any distractions.

"Hey Remus, you've got Herbology next, right?" she asked slyly. She had been rehearsing this all night and hoped she didn't mess this up.

"Erm…yes," Remus gulped and shot a frantic look at James who was cracking his knuckles.

"Well I hate to break it to you but you're going to be rubbish today because you kind of need a green thumb."

"Ugh, that's awful Evans," Sirius groaned and covered his face with his hand. James and Peter were snickering and Remus was looking at Lily in disbelief.

"That isn't funny, stop laughing!" Remus pleaded with his friends.

"She's right mate, you're going to stick out like a sore thumb," James quipped.

"I refuse to participate in this game of terrible puns, I'd rather just sit here and twiddle my thumbs," said Sirius nonchalantly, "at least I can do that."

"Oh Remus, I almost forgot but I've got that book you wanted to borrow. Feel free to thumb through it," said Lily struggling to keep a straight face as she handed Remus a book.

Peter saw his chance. "As a rule of thumb Evans, we generally don't lend him books. You'll never see it again."

"Bravo Peter, really. Thumbs up."

"What is this? Amateur night at the comedy club?" huffed Remus as everyone else roared with laughter

Lily glanced down the table and winked at Marlene. Phase one of flirting successfully with James Potter was complete.

"Honestly though mate, how are you going hold your wand?" asked Sirius but the only response he got from Remus was an angry growl.