That kid can break my heart.

Even when Sam was going through his '6 inches overnight' growth spurts, he never had what you'd call 'awkward moments', not physically anyway. Probably on account of all the self-defense training they went through, Sam always had a good idea of his body in space. You could never say he didn't know his own strength - he did. Down to the pounds per square inch probably.

Now though, now he don't know his strength, or his weakness, or his arm from his ass. Addiction does that to a person, whether it's drugs, booze, or demon blood. Addiction, part of it anyway, is lying to everybody you have to, yourself most of all.

Still - still, even at what should be the lowest point of his life right now, still Sam shows up on my door step looking just the same as usual, a little tired maybe, or maybe I'm looking harder for something out of place.

He's standing behind Dean like always, and - because he don't know that I know - Sam gives me a look, apologizing in advance for the crappy mood Dean's in.

"So - we're here. What?" Dean snaps. The words are an act; the attitude sure ain't.

"C'mon in."

Dean sighs and drags his feet - still part of the act - so Sam walks in ahead of him. That boy breaks my heart. If I called him a thousand miles away and asked him to come help me find a screwdriver, he would. If I told him when he got here that the stupid thing was in the farthest corner of my property and I lost it there twenty years ago, he'd still look for it. If he thought it was important enough to me, he'd look until it was too dark to look anymore. He might think I was crazy, though he wouldn't say it to my face, but he'd do his best to help me.

Even now, with Dean acting pissed and walking slow, Sam takes a few long steps to get in front of me so he can open the door to the panic room for me. Because that's what he does, that's how he is. Polite, thoughtful, he cares about people. Demon blood be damned - that boy has a heart bigger than any I've ever known.

Which is why it breaks my heart what we have to do now.

And how we have to do it.

"Guys?" Sam asks as we close the door on him. Even now, he's got no clue. "Guys?" Even now we're the people he trusts and he'd accept any excuse we gave him if only we open that door.

That boy breaks my heart.

I hope he'll forgive me for breaking his.

the end