Dear Diary,
As much as I cannot bear to listen to music anymore, I have a song stuck in my head. Reflections by Mae. It is exactly how I feel right now. The nightmares aren't going away. I have been visiting Jake a lot lately. He is working on the motorcycles and the sooner I can break my promise the better. I can't keep this one sided vow and keep my sanity. How can I?
If I am being honest with myself I don't know what good it will do to break the promise. But I guess that it is just the fact that he made me promise to keep myself safe and not be reckless like he cared. The look in his eyes when he made me promise is not one that I can ever forget. Not that I would want to forget it, I just don't want to remember it. There is a difference.
Tonight I dreamt we found a fair of wonders
Where the future and
the past cannot contain
We were greeted by a spell that took us
under
And laid down in a field that revelades
To meet you in this dream we share I believed a perfect pair
Oh
but I was wrong
This fair comes with a price because tonight I'll
wake up twice and
Both times find you gone
Reflection
Is all we have and when it's over
Reflections
Of the path that sends us searching over and over again
Too quick to fall asleep again to find you
I'm rushing through
a dream I can't control
This house of mirrors beckons us to walk
through
But in second I have to let you go
Stuck here in
this stare revealed beyond the glare
Again you're gone
So throw
a stone through these reflections scatter light in all directions
And
sing this song
Reflection
Is
all we have and when it's over
Reflections
Of the path that
sends us searching over and over again
Where does the physical
meet with the spiritual?
Is this the difficult question?
But
down below and up above
They're not the same so I'm not sure of
anything
Where will love come from again?
Reflection
Is
all we have and when it's over
Reflections
Of the path that
sends us searching
Reflection
Is
all we have and when it's over
Redirection
Is the path that
sends us searching
Isn't it enough for me to suffer but then to have a song stuck in my head? I have a strict no music rule. But then again, I have a strict no thinking about him rule so I guess thinking a song doesn't matter since I am breaking all of my rules with this diary. When he left he took so much from my life; the light, the music, the laughter… the hope. I just want him to be happy, but I want to be happy. You know what, I would just take an absence of pain. Maybe happiness is too much to ask for.