Seattle's Lost Its Grace

This could not be happening. George did not not pass the test that she initially failed and would not have another chance to pass if he didn't get her one. George did not fail; he cracked open a chest in an elevator for Pete's sake when he was just an intern in a stuck elevator; he bounced back after his father died; he was freak'n married to the woman with the highest score on said test of all time. George didn't fail. This was not happening.

"Mer?"George asked as she stared at through him. "Did you hear me?"

Meredith brought herself out of her inner discussion and blinked. When she opened her eyes, she was staring at an amused George. "Yes, I heard you." She stood up and put her hand out, "let's go."

George looked at her quizzically. Before he was able to get a word in, she yanked him and pulled him outside, towards heaven knows where.

"Where are we going?"

"To take your test."

George sighed as he continued to be pulled by his very determined friend. "Meredith, it's okay, I-"

Meredith figured that the less he talked, the faster they would make it to their destination. She stopped abruptly and faced George. "No."

"No?"

"No. No you do not get to give up. You did not let me give up. There is no way I'm letting you give up. You're going to re-take the test and join us as residents tomorrow." She continued as George shifted. "I don't know what's going on, why you failed the test; it doesn't matter. What does matter is that you're a great surgeon. You don't know how to be anything else. None of do. So, shut up, follow me, and get ready to take back what you gave away."

Christina and Izzie were in the locker room, one eager for her shift to be over, the other needing the shift to stay sane. The rare heat seemed to permeate the seemingly tiny hang-out area and the two opted to lay only in their scrub bottoms and bras.

"That, was amazing."

"Totally."

"I mean," Christina continued, sitting up, "I just held a heart in my hand, by myself, called the shots, and told someone else to close. Amazing," she breathed out, returning to her former position.

"Totally." Izzie couldn't get anything else out. She was amazed and tired. She really wanted to sleep. 'Four more hours. That's it, just four more hours.'

Alex walked in to find other people entering and leaving the locker room. He smiled as he realized they were no longer in the room designated for interns. They were residents.

He stopped and smirked when he saw Christina and Izzie. "What did I walk in on, and can I join?"

"Perv," they both replied.

Alex showered and began to head out. His and Meredith's shift ended at the same time, so he figured they'd go eat and then meet everyone at Joe's. The first half of his idea dissipated when he saw George being drug by a very adamant Meredith. He chuckled and his breathe caught in his throat as he saw Addison in all her perfection exit the elevator and enter the lobby.

She looked at him and hurriedly made her way towards the exit. He sucked it up and called to her, running up and catching her in stride. "Dr. She-Mont-Addison!"

Addison smiled and quickly banished it once her face was in view of Alex. "Yes Dr. Karev?"

Alex shifted the bag from his left to right shoulder. "You, you look nice."

Addison enjoyed seeing him squirm. "Is that all Karev?"

Alex shook away his nervousness. I'm Alex Karev, Man-Whore and Evil Spawn. Get it together. "I was wondering if you wanted to get a bite to eat, my treat."

Alex studied her face as she looked thoughtfully amused. It took her all of three seconds to answer.

"I don't think so Karev. You're not that guy, remember?" She tilted her head and walked away, leaving Alex to gather the pride he had left, and do the same.

"

"Have you seen Meredith?"

Christina and Izzie shot up, quickly putting on their scrub tops, Christina less in a hurry. Suddenly Alex didn't really seem like a perv.

"No," Izzie supplied.

Derek looked at the unresponsive one. "Christina?"

"McAss?"

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me."

Izzie looked on, happy to have entertainment.

Derek shook his head in annoyance. "Well, do you know where she is?"

"If I did, I wouldn't tell you."

"Dr. Yang-"

"Don't Dr. Yang me. It may have been my-supposed-day or whatever, but I know what attitudes you project on Meredith, and yesterday she was definitely in a he's a McAss-but-I'm-sucking-it-up-and-not mentioning-his-crap-on-your-almost-wedding-day. So, don't Dr. Yang me unless you need a consult or we're in surgery."

Derek looked from Christina to Izzie before walking out, not eager to give an affirmation to her condescending pseudo-authority.

"So, that's why I would like to ask you if he can take the test again."

Webber studied the features of his surrogate daughter, shifting form her face to her defendant's. He admired her strength; earlier that week she was in the same position, broken for the hundredth time.

"Meredith, I would like to have a word with George."

Meredith nodded and slowly rose. She offered a small smile to George, placing a soft squeeze on his shoulder.

When the door closed Richard cleared his throat. He looked at George; this was not the same man that was an intern a year before; the day before. He was not shy, nor timid; this man in front of him, though still George, had nothing to lose.

"I want to thank you for giving Dr. Grey another chance to pass the test."

George nodded.

"O' Malley, have you studied any more since yesterday?"

"No Sir."

"Do you feel more prepared than you did yesterday?"

"No."

Webber leaned forward and grabbed a pencil and stood up. "Okay then, follow me."

"Sir, uh, I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but is that it?"

Richard turned before opening the door. "No O' Malley. You still have to pass the test. My test."

Meredith smiled as she looked up from her seat on the ground and watched a nervous George follow the Chief out of his office. Right now, she was happy. She knew George was going to be alright. Christina was going to have another breakdown sometime soon, but for now, she was okay. Izzie, was Izzie, and Alex was…Alex. She got up, delighted that her own problems were tucked neatly away in her closet. Unfortunately the key to her closet just rounded the corner.

"Mer."

Meredith wearily got up and looked at the clock above Derek. My shift's over.

"Derek."

He made his way in front of her, eager for her to make the eye-contact she was successfully avoiding.

"I've been looking for you."

"Really." She hadn't meant for it to come out so cold, but when you're ice inside at the moment…

Derek sighed, ran his hand through his hair, and leaned against the wall. "Can we go somewhere, and talk?"

Meredith shifted. While yesterday was for Christina and today was for George, tonight would have to be for her pseudo-boyfriend. It needed to get done, one way or another. If it went well, she would be recharged to help her friends. If it didn't, she would have her friends, and tequila.

"Fine. I'm meeting everyone at Joe's later, so, it has to be soon."

Derek seemed to light up, more shocked that she agreed so easily. He didn't know what to make of it.

"Great. I'm off now. Are you?"

Meredith nodded as she stifled a yawn. "Meet you by the coffee cart in twenty minutes?"

"Sure."

Meredith gave an acknowledgement and walked way, leaving Derek to momentarily stare at her retreating form.

"Problems in the world of the tragic?"

Derek broke his gaze to join his former best friend's. He leaned back against the wall. "You could say that."

Mark took a sip of his coffee, "don't mess this one up Derek. She's a keeper."

Derek looked suspiciously at Mark. "And you stay away from her, in the 'keeping' sense."

Mark faked offense, "Hey, I'm just saying. She's been through a lot and she deserves a break."

Derek looked at Mark again, this time unable to believe that he actually felt empathy for another human being.

"Who are you, and where is Sloan?"

Mark let out a bitter chuckle as he walked away, "he left when Addison entered a closet."

Derek stared at the second retreating form in two minutes.

A half-hour later the two were drinking their coffee in the park next to the hospital. It was around eight and they decided that since the sun rarely illuminated like it was, and that it was going away for another hour, they would sit and enjoy it. They needed something bright and shiny for their upcoming dark and twisty conversation.

"So," Meredith began.

"So," Derek added, figuring the only way they were going to talk it out, was to just talk. "You left me, twice."

"When," came the response, more like a taunt than a question.

"Yesterday, I poured my heart out to you and you dismissed it by saying Christina needed you. I needed you. You left me when you stopped fighting in the water. I know you did. You just, gave up. I wasn't enough."

Meredith put her coffee down, taking a deep breath. Suddenly the coffee was making her temperature rise. Something was.

Derek took her silence as permission to continue. "I can't keep doing this song and dance Meredith. I love you too much to see what we do to each other, how we let each other in and then slam the door in our face. You didn't even tell me about your test. You didn't even mention that you didn't go to Susan's funeral. Those were, those are big things Meredith, and you didn't even let me know! I, I need to know, do you want this? Do you want me? You have a choice to make?"

Desperately suppressing the anger rising in the depths of her being, she had no alternative but to laugh. So, she did just that. She let out a laugh that replaced the tears she would have cried. She wasn't going to be that anymore. She had nothing, nothing left to lose.

"What, why are you laughing?"

Meredith controlled herself. "I said something very similar to that to you, do you remember?"

Derek nodded.

"And you didn't choose me. You didn't choose Addison either. You chose revenge, bitterness, anger; anything but acceptance."

Derek didn't know where this was coming from. Meredith didn't either, but she needed to hold on to it, to let it out. Otherwise, she might just explode like she could've when she held a bomb in her hands. This seemed so much worse.

"You left Derek. You. Left. You didn't tell me you had a wife. You chose her. You became a hypocrite. I was happy and you took it away from me with your Dreamyness. We fought for each other, and won. We were doing great, really. And then I let my mom taint my accomplishments, my self-worth. I fell into the water, and for a moment, just a moment, I said, What's the point? So yes, I gave up, I left. But, I came back. Not for you. Not for Christina. For me. I came back, for me. I wanted to believe that it was for you, but it wasn't. When I stopped swimming, it was because I knew that eventually you would be the one to leave, again. I couldn't take that. I just, couldn't. "

She looked at Derek, who seemed to be hanging on to her rant, more so attempting to process the words she spoke and what it meant for them.

She sat back and smoothed he hair, tucking the strand that belonged to Derek behind her ear. "And after I died and came back, you did leave. You wanted Chief more than me. I understand that it's the job you came for. I do. My mother was Ellis Grey for crying out loud. So, more than anything, you should have known that I understand. You could have had both. You didn't need to make a choice; I have a career too. I'm not a civilian."

"What do you mean could?"

"Please, let me finish, I need to just say all of it."

Derek nodded in trance.

"And so, you left. The closest thing I had to a mother left. You weren't there. You saw, you knew, but you weren't there. You told me that you couldn't breathe for me any more. You said that you couldn't do it anymore. And then, contrary to that very statement, you have the nerve to ask why didn't I tell you?"

She spoke calmly, almost with no emotion as if she were relaying another's sentiments.

"Why didn't I tell you that I my father emotionally slapped me again, that I don't have a father any more, again? That I didn't tell you that I froze and failed my test, and George asked Dr. Webber to let me take it again, which is the only reason I'm here now? Or why I didn't tell you I needed you, after you tell me you freak'n meet a girl in a bar? I wonder why the hell that is."

Derek watched as she sighed, emotion not betraying her toneless discourse. He watched as her eyes glazed over, instantly forming a transparent barrier that allowed no tears to fall. That's when he realized that he knew that look. Her walls were back, built thicker and higher than ever.

"And yesterday, when you talked to me, when you poured your heart out, let's just say that timing is not your forte. I was the maid of honor in a wedding that started in an hour for Pete's sake. Granted, I could have been more receptive, but yesterday wasn't about us. It belonged to Burke and Christina."

Derek nodded, seemingly the only response he could muster.

"I'm an emotional wreck. I am me minus a father, and two mothers. My friends, this job, you; that was all I had left. Things change. Dreams change. You're not my McDreamy anymore; I'm not your Meredith. We should let go gracefully; well, as much as we can with no anesthesia." She got up and picked up the rest of her coffee.

"What-where-what does this mean?" he asked, standing to join her.

"It means that we broke in too many pieces to fix Derek."

"So, you're quitting," his bewilderment finding anger.

"No, I'm putting you out of your misery. I'm breathing."

A/N: Hope you guys enjoyed this. I REALLY needed to get that out! (And yes, I'm still infatuated with P. Dempsey.)

Addexluv: I promise…they'll me more for you. 

Desiqtie, Katherine Austen: Thanks a bunch! Hope you enjoyed the second chapter!