Dead like me
- a Mass Effect story -

Written by ryuosen for the Spring Edition of ME BigBang 2013.
Artist: MaxxieDemon
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters and am just playing in EA's/Bioware's sandbox,
Warnings: violence, language, sexual actions
Rating: M
Characters/Pairings: Kaidan Alenko/John Shepard (hinted), John Shepard/Liara T'Soni and others
Summary: Shepard's alive, Kaidan isn't and Shepard isn't about to forget that. Whoever is responsible will

Author's note:
A huge thank you to my artist MaxxieDemon, her work is so beautiful! For the link to MaxxieDemon's artpost, go to my livejournal or AO3 account and show her appreciation for the fabulous art!

Chapter 1 - Dead like me

I'm about to die

It wasn't what Kaidan had expected when he had left the crews' quarters early, in full armor and the most recent migraine attack nothing but a shadow in his mind. Shepard had ordered the scouting of every planet in the sector to search for the wrecks of the missing ships. While the landing wouldn't occur for several more hours, Kaidan had already dressed in armor and checked his weapons. He wanted to be prepared.

Not that they had found anything so far but there were lots of sectors and even more planets left to search. It had become repetitive but the Alliance wanted the geth wiped out and the routes save.

After the mess with Saren it was practically a vacation, a mundane and boring vacation but a vacation none the less.

I'm about to die

With Tali and Wrex having left the crew to pursue other goals - namely becoming an adult and rebuilding a scattered race - only Garrus and Liara remained of original squad which had joined for the hunt of Saren. Both wouldn't leave of course, the friendship between Shepard and Garrus had surpassed blood bonds a long time ago and of course Liara.

You had to be blind not to see the love and adoration she holds for Shepard. Even his own pales in comparison.

I'm about to die

Garrus had been the only one in the storage area. As always since the beginning of their journey, he had commandeered the care and maintenance of the Mako. Nowadays the crew didn't even bother anymore and just left it to him. Kaidan had stopped next to the Mako after he had finished changing into his armor and securing his weapons. It was funny, he was responsible for the marine detail of the ship - eight of the crew - but somehow he felt also responsible for the rest. Something Ashley used to tease him for.

The whole conversation hadn't lasted longer than a few minutes before he bid Garrus goodbye and stepped into the elevator, helmet under his arm. He supposed he could have rested some more before getting ready but Carlton had sent him a message, asking to replace him at the helm.

With nothing better to do other then waiting for my migraine to subdue completely, I'd said yes.

I'm about to die

Kaidan had been walking towards the pilot seat when the first attack on the Normandy happened. Standing only a few feet behind Pressly, he'd only heard the last few sentences of the conversation between Joker, Pressly and Caroline, "It's not the geth. Brace for evasive maneuvers!" before...

The Normandy swerved to the side, Joker intend on evading any shots fired in their direction and failing. Flames erupted inside the helm.

"Pressly!" "Kinetic barriers down!"

I hadn't been scheduled to work with Joker today but had wanted to help Carlton out. He said he was sick, not that I believed him. It had more likely to do with the evening he'd spent with Jacqueline behind the Mako. When I passed him on the bridge, he'd looked tired but quite happy.

The elevator doors had probably already been shut, perhaps he had even made it to the crew deck and to the escape pods. Perhaps he would live.

Joker first maneuver had thrown most of us off their feet and then we had been hit for a second time.

I had no idea who attacked us, but could say it wasn't the geth. They didn't have this kind of weaponry. No if I had to guess, it reminded me of the Sovereign but I would never know.

Kaidan groaned and got to his feet. The barrier he'd subconsciously erected had lessened the impact, but his head still hurt. Groping for his helmet he got up, remaining motionless for a moment until the dizziness he felt receded. Something dribbled down his face obscuring his vision. Hurriedly he wiped it away and looked around. Parts of the equipment had caught fire and most of the personnel still alive was getting to their feet.

"Put the fire out!" he yelled, before activating the fire alarm. The warning light blinking above him and he could see the rest of the crew looking checking on their comrades. Kaidan checked on Pressly and Caroline but both were dead. To his left two other officers were dousing the fire while Joker's finger flew over the consoles with a speed he'd never seen before.

It wasn't enough.

They were hit in rapid succession, more fire broke out and Joker barely had time to activate the emergency barrier to ward off the cockpit and put his helmet on, should the airlock fail. The barrier washed over his body and he felt his biotics flair in response before settling. Sounds of tearing alerted him and Kaidan had barely turned around to see chunks of the hull being swept away. Now there was no fire anymore, there wasn't even air.

"Mayday! Mayday! This is the SSV Normandy...we suffered heavy damage from an unknown enemy.."

A hopeless folly, Kaidan knew. There were in the depths of the Terminus Systems. No Alliance shuttle or freighter would get here in time to save the ship. They had to evacuate! Putting his helmet on, he gestured to both officers. Understanding the standard combat shorthand, they put on their own breathing masks.

More parts of the hull snapped off and floated away. Considering the damage it was a miracle that the engine was still functioning. Perhaps it hadn't been hit?

"Pull the barrier in, otherwise the vacuum will suffocate us." he said to one of the men, Kaidan thought his name was Johnathan, as Shepard's voice sounded over the communicator. He sounded frantic, "this is Shepard. The Normandy is lost, evacuate to the nearest escape shuttle. I repeat, the Normandy is lost! Evacuate to the nearest escape shuttles!"

"Affirmative," he whispered before hitting the button for the lone emergency shuttle inside the cockpit. The officers entered before the hatch had fully opened. Only he and Joker were now left and the pilot was still trying with all his might to save the Normandy.

"Joker, come on. We have to leave."

The hand he'd put on Joker's shoulder was roughly pushed off. "No, I can still save her."

Kaidan honestly didn't want to contemplate the idiocy that must have went on in Joker's mind but here he was. And for but a brief second, there was the thought of leaving Joker to his fate. Of letting him go.

But he didn't...

I'm about to die

Especially now that the enemy vessel was returning for another attack and Joker showed still no sign of seeing reason.

Kaidan thought about hauling Joker and dragging him into the shuttle but discarded the idea immediately when remembered the pilot's handicap. Then the energy beam hit the command center and ate its way through the metal like butter. A tremor running through the ship - the hull already completely destroyed - pulled Kaidan off his feet just as the gravity bubble in the cockpit failed. Instead of hitting the ground, he was floating. From the pilot's seat he could hear Joker's panicked cry.

It isn't too late for Joker... you can still save him.

The thought should have startled Kaidan, should have caused panic because his survival wasn't included. It only brought focus, calm. He knew what was coming and carefully blocked the panic out that tried to grip his conscious. His body was drawn away from Joker and the shuttle.

Suppressing a pained gasp as he hit a wall, his fate was suddenly clear.

I'm willingly walking to my death...

And indeed he did. He was drifting away from the shuttle and into open space. He wouldn't, wouldn't come back from that. There wasn't any point in wasting energy trying to get himself back into the cockpit, without any energy providing a boost he would lag behind the drifting body of the Normandy.

you can still save him...

So he did. His biotics flared, pulling Joker from his seat and directing him blindly into the shuttle much to the pilot's protest. Control was a tedious thing but knowing how important it was, Kaidan held onto it until he heard a soft hissing sound, the shuttle's locks were engaged, saving Joker... and damning himself.

Desolately he watched as the Normandy drifted away, the energy beam destroying even the last remains of the ship. Yet, he feels somewhat content. The shuttle with Joker and the other officers had launched. Kaidan had been successful, they were going to be alright.

But I...

Parts of the wreckage floated about, already nearing the next planet's orbit. He panted beneath the helmet, fear creeping along his skin, coating his flesh, clouding his mind. The armor wouldn't hold and then he would suffocate or... or he would burn.

A lone tear traveled down his chin as he wondered if Ashley had felt like this or had she smiled and been content with the knowledge that everyone else was save? The sob passed between his lips before he had time to realize its existence.

I'm about to die

He wouldn't see the others again. Not Tali who had left from the Citadel with gratitude from the Council to return to the flotilla, Wrex who wanted to rebuilt his home, Garrus who had thought about permanently staying with Shepard... and... and Shepard, Shepard his Commander, his friend. The one person he had come to admire more than anyone else.

I should have said something...

Perhaps he should have, too late now. More tiny noises spilled over and he dearly wanted to give into despair. The thought of death was frightening, even though he had joined the Alliance to do good and had always thought himself to be prepared for death. Coming so close to it, surviving it had nothing on the certainty that you were about to die.

His hand balled into a fist, his whole body shaking. He was afraid of death, but even more so of suffering the agony of … no, no further thought.

Kaidan kept his eyes open, his omni-blade glowing. The pain is brief, sharp and for a moment there is clarity otherwise unattained.

It's been brilliant, thank you...

Then there is only silence and inviting darkness.

tbc...