In which we switch to Thor's perspective.

2.

You ask if I remember, and of course it wounds me that you could ask. I could no more forget than I could shut you out of my head altogether – and believe me, I have tried that hard enough now to know it to be impossible. Yes I remember; I remember every flavour, every note of that day – like it was a dish to be savoured or a song to sing over and over again in the head. Above all I remember you – I remember you from back then and cannot begin to say what this does to the heart. I remember you saying that the warmth and sunlight did nothing for you, that you only came outside because I dragged you – you would far rather sit in the shade and read. You said you wilted in sunlight where I blossomed. I remember – and it hurts now – how sweet your lies were back then.

And yes, I remember falling into that inexplicable urge to kiss you, as though we were characters in a story and I simply could. I remember how I could feel your heart beat and your fingers on my neck – so close to giving in to that strange urge that it hurt to tear away. I thought we were safe and then – brushing grass from your back – I became aware of you as I had never quite been before – not suddenly so close and achievable. I had to back away fast, afraid you could hear through my touch what I was not even quite thinking. I got back on to my horse, relieved, yes; again I thought we were safe.

I remember the dance of light and leaf as shadows across your face as we rode by mutual agreement to the waterfall. So many times we had come here over the years, the pool being the perfect place on days like today. The sunlight threw rainbows across the water and the blue teemed with shimmering light, but you must know by now that I had eyes for little but you. I think I might have died if you had any idea how you captivated me then – how your every movement seemed as a dance to me. You got off your horse like a leaf falling from a tree and your smile was starlight to me. Whatever you meant by them, your smiles have always been the stars by which I set my compass.

Did I worry about the impropriety of my thoughts? Did I congratulate myself on every near miss? Yes, often and of course I did. Did I do you any lasting damage by not always loving you simply as my brother or was the damage caused by my pretence that such was "all" it was? I do not know, nor know if I wish to hear the answers to that.

I was not so conscious though, even then, that I could not join you in shedding our clothes and running for the water. It was a natural path for us – up the hill and to an overhanging rock from which to execute the perfect dive. You were faster than me and by far more elegant; over the rock and into the pool as though you were a shimmering stream yourself. By the time I followed, you had already resurfaced and gained breath enough to berate me for nearly landing on top of you. You called me a clumsy oaf or some such typical insult –

"Do you never look where you're going?"

"Do you ever get out of my way?" I retorted. You splashed me and I splashed back and we kicked up a small storm of water at each other, making noise enough to fill the clearing as we had done since we were boys. If I go back there now I can still hear us roar.

I endeavoured to drown you a little and you turned into a little silver fish and swam between my legs, tickling me. I think that form suited you well – a darting streak of silver in the water, impossible to catch or hold down. I laughed because you tickled and then nibbled at me –

"Loki!" I laughed, breathless – "No no no – not my toes – no Loki you have fish lips!"

You surfaced next to me, yourself again, grinning and spitting water at me. I shook my head and you floated away, whimsically flipping onto your back. Not for the first time I wished I knew what you were thinking. But I did the same, lying cradled in the cool water, squinting up at the sun. The sky was so close and so near to the water that it felt rather like flying. I could have floated forever, so content I did not even notice for a while that you had slipped your hand into mine in a state of suspended perfection. When I finally turned to you, frowning gently, you flashed me a sparkling smile –

"Bye!" you said, turned yourself into an otter and dived away under the water. I had the distinct impression that you were laughing to your suddenly furry self.

You resurfaced and scampered out of the water and on to a large flat rock by the river, where you turned back into you again and lay unashamedly naked in the sunlight. There was nothing new in this; we had done this more times than I could count, but today was different – I would say like being under a spell, but it would perhaps be truer to say that it was the day that the spell broke, the day I stopped lying to myself – at least quite so badly. If there was one point – if it could have been that simple – one point at which I fell in love with you, then that was it.

I was thankful you were gazing up at the sky dreamily, that you did not see me blink, swallow and double take to look at you then, immensely grateful for the river's hiding the most visible aspect of my reaction.

Do you have any idea – any idea at all of how beautiful you were to me then? It was as if I had never seen you before. And perhaps I had not. We had grown up together, you had been in my heart since before I can remember – I would no more have thought of desiring you as I would have myself- until recently, because on the other hand this did not come as completely unexpected -certainly not as much as I might have liked. You had been creeping into the warmer corners more and more of late and there was a strange kind of static in your touch that I had been telling myself firmly I could not understand. Because you were at once so close to me and so different that I could not help but be fascinated - almost as though (ha!) you were a different species from me.

If you could see what I saw then, I am sure even you would see your beauty. You dazzled in the sunlight like a mythical creature laid out on the rock. Sunlight caught in the water still shining on your skin and you shimmered in the light like something incorporeal. A curious, radiant thing that I did not feel I deserved to touch as I found I painfully wanted to; almost afraid I would break you if I did. I confess I was arrested, unmade as I had never been by anyone. I looked too long and too close to ever forget; how your hair was like oil on your shoulders and your lips rested in a half smile of wry amusement. You were a rare silvery ideal and I, clumsy and awkward by comparison, wanted only to touch, to feel, to claim; to say that something so precious was mine in any way.

I was so lost in the thought of you I did not at first see that you had turned to look straight at me. Your eyes, quick and piercing, seemed to laugh at me, opening me up irreverently to read every secret in my heart. I looked away – too fast I am sure – as your lips curved into a smile that made me wonder exactly how much you had read of the obvious story written in my eyes. Anyway you were not going to let me know that easily, of course. You propped yourself up on your elbows with languid arrogant grace –

"Are you ever coming out of there?" you called – "Or are you staying in there all day?"

Your voice startled me some way out of my rather alarming reverie, but I found myself unsure how to reply or whether or not it was safe to come out of the water in my present condition.

"I do not see that it is any business of yours!" I called. You smirked as though you knew exactly what my problem was and were just waiting to see what I would do. Luckily the water was very cold and after a few minutes of looking away I was able to come out without further embarrassment.

_x_

Next section Loki will be taking over the narrative again and it will go in more graphic directions! Coming soon!