Only the Young are Good
Don't Drown Without Me
Tawnypaw padded through the trees, as quiet as if she was stalking a mouse. Sprinting from one tree to the next, she constantly checked over her shoulder.
Once, Tawnypaw had overheard One-eye telling stories about Tigerstar to Snowkit (useless, as they now knew, Snowkit having been deaf) and One-eye had said rather loudly, 'Guilt makes cats paranoid, unless that cat is Tigerstar'. Tawnypaw had bristled at the comment about her father, but now, all she could think about was the first part - guilt makes cats paranoid. Tawnypaw felt extremely paranoid right now, but...she wasn't guilty of anything. Well, if you counted leaving your birth Clan as something to be guilty of...but Tawnypaw just thought of it as an escape. Smallear was an insensitive mousebrain, and if that was how ThunderClan was going to treat her, then she was leaving. She felt like she was drowning in hate, or distrust, or suspicion, or whatever ThunderClan thought of her, a completely innocent cat who'd never fought a single battle. Every innocent cat deserves to be treated with respect and fairness, and she was innocent.
Except for the leaving her Clan part.
There was the tunnel that went under the Thunderpath. Crinkling her nose at the sharp, acrid stench, Tawnypaw took in a deep breath and stood at the very edge of the smooth Twoleg material. Looking over her shoulder, she knew this would be the last time that she looked at these beautiful oaks, ashes, and beeches as the trees of her home.
This is it, she thought. And she stepped into the tunnel, being swallowed up by the blackness.
She followed the ShadowClan scent through their territory, trying to find the strongest source of it, their camp. She walked past a large oak tree (not one of her - er, their oak trees) and there it was. The ShadowClan camp. And a patrol, glaring at her menacingly right in front of it. She didn't recognize them, never having been to a Gathering. The leader of the patrol was a dark ginger she-cat, with a small tabby tom on her left, and a ginger apprentice to her right.
Tawnypaw gulped. She wouldn't fancy fighting any of them.
The she-cat growled and spat at her. "What are you doing on our territory?"
Tawnypaw lifted her head up high. She had to prove herself to this cat. "I'm here to see my father." she meowed confidently.
"Russetfur," the tabby whispered, "D'you think she-"
Russetfur cut off the small tom, her eyes narrowing thoughtfully. "You must be...Tawnypaw?"
"Yes." Tawnypaw shot a glance at the apprentice. He looked straight at her, and his eyes were full of...wonder? Amazement? Because I'm his leader's daughter. Tawnypaw assured herself.
Russetfur drew her attention again. "So, you've come to join your father, have you? Had enough of those ThunderClan mousehearts, or are you spying for them?" The ginger's voice was conversational at first, then hardened as she accused the young apprentice before her.
Tawnypaw felt a spark of anger inside her. "No! I left them by my own choice. Now take me to see my father!" She winced inwardly, hoping this battle-hardened warrior wouldn't claw her nose off for her commanding tone.
But instead, Russetfur's eyes once again narrowed with thoughtfulness. "Alright, we'll take you to see Tigerstar. I just hope you can keep up." And with a flick of her tail, she burst past Tawnypaw, away towards the centre of ShadowClan territory. Her patrol followed her, the ginger apprentice looking back once, as if beckoning her to follow. So she did.
Tawnypaw pushed herself harder and harder, until the only cat in front of her was Russetfur. Tawnypaw wasn't ready to question her authority that far - not yet, at least.
Tawnypaw pulled up next to the tabby tom, her sides heaving as she trotted across the Twoleg bridge. They were going into RiverClan territory. For a moment, Tawnypaw was confused, till she remembered the crazy TigerClan that her father was leading. She wasn't sure of the idea of it, but if more cats together kept them safe, then that might be okay. At least here, she'd be away from idiots like Smallear. They travelled along the river for a bit, then turned deeper into the territory. The whole time, they travelled in silence.
Eventually, they came to a clearing, where a mix of RiverClan and ShadowClan warriors were gathered. Looking around, Tawnypaw quickly took in three facts that almost wanted to make her run back to her mother and brother and, StarClan forbid, Smallear. First, Tigerstar and Leopardstar were both standing on a pile of bones, there was the body of a dead warrior lying in front of them, and about five warriors were just stumbling into the clearing on the opposite side, bleeding from various wounds, one being Blackfoot, who Tawnypaw recognized from description.
Russetfur stayed hidden at the edge of the clearing, a desicion that Tawnypaw decided she didn't want to go against. As they watched from the shadows, Leopardstar leaped down from the pile of bones, then flicked her tail to a couple of cats.
"Shadepelt, Heavystep. Take the body back to our camp." Tawnypaw noticed that her voice caught on the word 'body'. Two RiverClan cats stepped forward, their pelts slightly fluffed out, as if they'd just witnessed something they wanted to forget about.
Then Tawnypaw realized. What was a dead body doing in the middle of this clearing? Had there been a fight between two cats of TigerClan?
There had to be, because as Shadepelt and Heavystep passed the ShadowClan cats without even seeing them, Tawnypaw could see the wounds scoring the dead warrior's side. He had been murdured.
What was going on here? And what exactly had Tawnypaw gotten herself into? She just hoped that whatever she had thrown herself into wouldn't be too deep that she'd drown in it.
Then Tigerstar leapt down from the bones and stalked over to the bleeding warriors. "What happened?" he spat.
Blackfoot took a hesitant half-step forwards. "The prisoners...they escaped." Prisoners? Tawnypaw wondered.
"And how did they do that? Fly over all of your heads? But no, you're all bleeding, so you must have been attacked by them. Five strong warriors, beaten by a single weakling warrior and two pathetic apprentices?" Tigerstar's voice was deep as ever, but it contained malice, sarcasm, and patronization, things that Tawnypaw had only heard in the voices of those like Smallear. "Beaten by traitors? Unbelievable." Tigerstar finished his verbal attack, his voice lowering dangerously.
"N-no, Tigerstar." Blackfoot's gaze was focused on the ground. "It...it was Firestar." Tawnypaw's eyes widened at hearing the name of her leader - ex-leader. "And the half-breeds' father, along with some other warriors. They attacked us and took the prisoners across the river."
Right then, Tawnypaw saw Darkstripe standing off on his own at the edge of the clearing a cross between a scowl and a smirk on his face as he nursed wounds of his own. Almost instinctivly, she flinched away from the tabby tom who had been banished for trying to kill a tiny kit.
"What's going on?" She whispered to herself.
"Welcome to TigerClan." The ShadowClan apprentice came up beside her. Tawnypaw stared at him. Was he being serious or sarcastic? From looking into his eyes, Tawnypaw could only guess that he was kind of both.
Russetfur stepped forward. "Alright, I think we've waited long enough. Let's go greet your father, Tawnypaw." Tawnypaw's head whipped forward as her heart began to beat faster. Would Tigerstar be pleased to see her? Or would he shut her down, reject her, leave her on her own in a world where she wouldn't be able to swim on her own?
As the patrol walked into the clearing, Tanwypaw noticed that no cat was really staring at her like she was a stranger. Maybe because ShadowClan assumes I'm RiverClan, and vice versa.
Tawnypaw watched as Blackfoot and the rest of his patrol left the clearing with tails drooped. "Tigerstar!" Russetfur called once they were no longer visible. "I think I have someone you might be interested in seeing."
With Russetfur in front of her, the apprentice on her left and the tabby tom on her right, Tawnypaw felt like she was being guided in like an enemy warrior. And, until Tigerstar accepts you, you kind of are. Behind the apprentice's shoulder's, she could see Darkstripe stand up in surprise out of the corner of her eye.
Tigerstar turned to face the patrol, his huge shoulders barely registering in Tawnypaw's racing mind. His eyes glinted with something as they took in the four cats in front of him. He stepped forward, making Tawnypaw want to step back, especially when Russetfur and the other cats backed away.
"Tawnypaw? Have you come for a visit?" Tawnypaw practically trembled at the sound of her father's voice.
"N-no Tigerstar. I...I want to..." Tawnypaw trailed off, realizing that she sounded like a weakling. Going to drown in your own fear, are you? She took in a quick breath before starting again. "I've come to join TigerClan. I want to be with you."
Tigerstar flicked his tail at the other cats. "Leave us. I'll talk to my daughter alone now." Tawnypaw tensed, looking behind her to watch as the others padded away. Only the apprentice looked back, his ginger fur ruffling slightly.
"So, daughter of mine, what exactly has driven you to leave precious ThunderClan?" Tigerstar's question sounded innocent enough, but through it, Tawnypaw could sense just what Tigerstar thought of their precious ex-Clan. He had tried (and sometimes succeeded) in killing every last cat in that Clan, and plotted to make those cat's lives miserable. That terrified Tawnypaw. But, unfortunately, it terrified others too, and they, in turn, decided to pin those actions on her. Which was exactly why she'd left. But looking up at the scratched face of her father, Tawnypaw felt a truth trickle through her like a stream of leafbare-cold water. No matter what the truth was.
Tigerstar would not like the truth. So, Tawnypaw had to give him what he wanted. "I was getting tired of listening to all those cats whining about life being hard while they sat around doing nothing." Tawnypaw winced inwardly at her words of betrayal to her Clanm - ex-Clanmates. But she had to continue. She wasn't done yet. "Then I realized, why should I have to put up with ThunderClan's blindness to a solution that was right in front of their eyes?"
Leader looked down on apprentice, taking in the words. Then, before Tawnypaw could take in a breath to finish, Tigerstar finished for her. "So you joined the solution." he murmured, his voice silky smooth. Without another word, Tigerstar turned and stalked to the pile of bones, jumping up onto it and yowling for everycat's attention before Tawnypaw could blink.
"Cats of TigerClan, today we are going acknowledge this young apprentice here as a member of our glorious Clan. Even if ThunderClan will not see reason, at least one cat has!"
Tawnypaw crouched alone in the centre of the clearing, suprise freezing her senses. She could faintly hear Tigerstar's voice continuing on with whatever he was saying to make them accept a ThunderClan apprentice into their ranks. She slowly stood up as she realized that Tigerstar was gazing down at her with what could only be described as 'fatherly pride'.
"Tawnypaw! Tawnypaw!" The calls of the TigerClan cats surrounded her, weak, half-hearted, and pathetic, and that was the moment that she missed ThunderClan the most.
Over the next few days, Tawnypaw learnt a few things.
She didn't think she'd ever be able to have much respect for Blackfoot after seeing him at his lowest on that first day. (She felt the same about Darkstripe, but she avoided him as much as possible.)
The traitors that escaped on the day she had arrived were Featherpaw and Stormpaw, Graystripe's kits, along with Mistyfoot, Bluestar's only living kit. (The dead warrior had been Stonefur, Mistyfoot's brother.)
The other cats in the ShadowClan patrol she had came to the camp with were Littlecloud and Rowanpaw. (She spent most of her time with them. Everybody else was too scared, or something.)
Other than those things, she was also learning about TigerClan. Or, rather, the non-existancy of it. Really, it was pretty awkward between RiverClan and ShadowClan cat's. And she was neither.
The thought of being Clanless terrified her, but she knew deep down inside that being the daughter of the most feared warrior ever to live in the forest kept her safe. Besides fear for herself, she couldn't help but wonder about hhe three ex-RiverClan cats. She knew she could probably safely assume that they were in ThunderClan, but...what if they weren't? Would they make it on their own?
Tawnypaw couldn't help but sympathize with them. She wasn't dumb - she'd figured out that they'd been branded as traitors for the same reason that she'd left ThunderClan. Parentage. And...she wanted to meet them. She wanted to know these brave cats, wanted to greet them, befriend them, and help them.
When she lay awake at night, resting amongst the reeds, listening to the river rush through its bed and unknown cats snore and dream away nearby, she smirked sarcastically at the irony of the fact that she was so close to meeting the cats that she so desperately daydreamed after.
After the battle was over, Scourge was dead, and peace was once more in the forest, Tawnypaw mewed a quick goodbye to her mother and brother before following Blackfoot to ShadowClan territory. She'd only been there once, but now, it was to be her home. She looked over her shoulder once more, at this place of peace that Tawnypaw would only ever be able to see as a place where she almost drowned in death, destruction and blood.
(Later in life, she'll never go to Gatherings at Fourtrees if she doesn't have to.)
She thought she could see three cats break away from the throng of cats to join RiverClan, two smaller and one bigger. Tawnypaw, once realizing who they were, couldn't help her claws digging into the soft earth as she growled at the lost chance.
"Tawnypaw? You coming?" Looking forward again, she could see Rowanpaw waiting patiently, and just beyond him, Littlecloud. Oh, well. She'd survived the fight against BloodClan, and she was still alive enough to yearn after the thought of meeting a certain three cats.
So she couldn't help but purr as she ran to catch up with her new life.
When Tawnypaw was almost done her apprenticeship, she called out for RiverClan's two newest warriors. She's pretty sure that other than RiverClan cats, only Graystripe rivaled her in yowling out for Feathertail and Stormfur. It was only when Tallstar started speaking did she realize that she was sitting right next to a RiverClan cat. The RiverClan deputy, actually. Mistyfoot.
For a few heartbeats, Tawnypelt couldn't move, but she did, turning to one of her heroes and saying, "Are you proud of her?"
Mistyfoot looked down at the young cat next to her in surprise, and Tawnypaw winced slightly at what she'd done. Why would the deputy of RiverClan talk to a nameless apprentice like her? But she did. Mistyfoot blinked before replying warmly, "Yes, I am. More than any cat could ever know." The blue-gray she-cat looked across the clearing to the two new warriors. "They've worked harder than most cats to get where they are today."
"You mean because of their father?"
Mistyfoot glanced back at Tawnypaw. "Yes." She stared at her, almost seeming to be expecting something.
"W..." Tawnypaw couldn't believe she was going to ask her this. "Was it hard for you, too?"
The older queen looked down at her with a new light in her eyes. "No, not really. Everyone believed that we were Graypool's kits. We never even knew until after Feathertail and Stormfur were born. I mean, I never knew."
"I joined ShadowClan on the day that you left. I...I saw your brother's body." Tawnypaw's fur burned.
"You're Tigerstar's daughter, aren't you?"
Tawnypaw nodded. "I didn't really love my father, but being somewhere I would be accepted, even if it was forced because he was leader, seemed better to me then being scorned for a cat who left the Clan before I could even talk."
"...I know what you mean." And as Tawnypaw looked up at the she-cat she respected so much, she knew that she did know.
They both knew.
First, the dream terrified her, to be honest. Then, she tried talking to one of her oldest friends, now her Clan's medicine cat, about the possibility of warriors having prophetic dreams. When Littlecloud brushed off the idea with a snort, Tawnypelt was even more scared then before. Brambleclaw. Brambleclaw can help, was how she calmed herself.
And he did, to an extent. What were the chances of two cats having the exact same wacky dream? It must have some realness to it.
It was only expected that Tawnypelt only barely held in her excitement when Stormfur and Feathertail walked down to Fourtrees. And later, once they'd made their plans, the thought of travelling with these two maked her paws tingle.
The sun was setting, causing Tawnypelt to squint as she stumbled forwards, ever onwards. She heaved in another breath of air, only to choke on the stench of the Twolegplace. Too tired to talk out loud, she kept her thoughts to herself. Great StarClan, if Purdy leads us to one more dead-end...
She watched Brambleclaw shoot her a glance out of the corner of her eye, then mutter something to Squirrelpaw. Tawnypelt's legs tensed, knowing what was coming.
"Hey, Purdy, let's stop here for the night!" She wanted to pounce on her brother, although in happiness or anger, she wasn't sure.
But she was too tired. And her shoulder was just killing her. No! I refuse to drown in pain. Pain is useless. Squirrelpaw trotted over to her, then proceeded to sit down next to her and lick her shoulder clean of the Twoleg gunk that had gotten into her shoulder over the day. She winced occaisonally, the apprentice's tongue as sharp physically as it was verbally.
As the sun disappeared and the moon rose, Tawnypelt drifted in and out of an uneasy sleep. At one point, the gentle tongue of Feathertail replaced Squirrelpaw's, and then again she woke up to find a new face by hers. "Stormfur?" she asked. "Shouldn't you be resting?"
He shook his head, pausing his rhythmic strokes on her shoulder. "I couldn't sleep, so I figured I might as well be of some use, let my sister get some rest." His tail flicked over to where there was a pile of fur, pale gray mixed with dark gray.
Of course. "You're very close to your sister, aren't you?" Tawnypelt's shoulder twitched as Stormfur once again began to soothe it.
"We had to be. We were raised with the whole world against us. You stick with who you can, and I'm glad I got stuck with her. I love her more than anything in the world."
Tawnypelt whispered "I can tell." Then, gathering her courage, she meowed, "You know, I've always looked up to you and Feathertail."
Stormfur looked up in surprise. "But we're barely a moon older than you. Why would you look up to us?"
"Well, along with Mistyfoot, I've wanted to know you two since you escaped from...TigerClan." Tawnypelt explained cautiously. She knew this was thin ice she was walking on.
Stormfur bristled slightly, Tawnypelt's shoulder long forgotten between them. "Why, though?"
"Because, to me, that had to be the bravest thing I'd ever heard of."
"But you were part of TigerClan!"
"The day you left was the day I joined! Stonefur's body was still in the clearing when I arrived!"
Stormfur recoiled. "He was my mentor, you know." He was whispering, and that was when Tawnypelt realized that their voices had been getting quite loud. "And he had been told to kill us. When he refused, they killed him."
"I'm sorry." They stayed silent for a minute, letting Stonefur rest in peace at last. Or, at least, that's what it felt like for Tawnypelt.
"But you know, I always thought that you were brave. I mean, first I thought you were just another ShadowClan cat born in the wrong place. But now that I know you and your brother, I can hardly imagine...Me and Feathertail thought our lives were difficult because of our father, but your father must have made your lives so much worse."
"Why do you think I went to Tigerstar in the first place?"
Silence stretched out again. Tawnypelt noticed the full moon, with Silverpelt canvassed around it, covering the night sky in a soft glow that came down to rest on their own pelts, turning dark grey to an almost white.
"I just don't understand..." Stormfur trailed off. Tawnypelt looked to his face, encouraging him to continue. "Why didn't your brother go with you? Did he really not want to go across the river?"
Tawnypelt gave a sarcastic purr, staring down at the grass before answering. "I didn't ask Brambleclaw to come with me." Stormfur shuffled around, shocked. "I didn't tell anyone I was leaving. They would've just stopped me, told me that everything would be okay and that cats would see me for who I was eventually." Tawnypelt whipped her head up to look at her companion, her gaze hard. "Except I got tired of waiting for 'eventually'. Yes, I love my brother and mother, and no, I don't love my father, I never did. But...ThunderClan was difficult. Brambleclaw was -is- good enough for them, even with those looks that Firestar gave him. I wasn't. I couldn't handle it, and I didn't even get the worst of it. Brambleclaw faces the challenge that I never will - looking exactly like the most hated cat in Clan history. And even though he has all that to deal with, he is one of the greatest cat's that I know. Yes, I still get my trouble in ShadowClan, but not for my parent's blood - for my Clan blood. Russetfur refuses to accept me because of my mother, not my father! What kind of crazy cat is she? I..." Tawnypelt looked down from the moon - When did I start looking up there? - and back to Stormfur. "I'm sorry. I...I'm rambling. You should get some rest."
"I think you need rest more than I do." Stormfur meowed realistically. He didn't even mention her rant. "I don't think I can sleep now. I have a lot to think about." He pushed himself off the ground, turning to leave before looking back and saying, "Thank you, Tawnypelt."
She thought she wouldn't be able to fall asleep. She thought she'd fall into a pool of memories that she wouldn't be able to climb out of on her own. But she did sleep.
(And he didn't. After taking the watch from her brother, he then hunted for her the next morning.)
Tawnypelt growled as she watched her friends leave the cave with the strange, funny-sounding cats. Without her. I hate this stupid wound.
Time passed. She wasn't sure how much, unable to see the sun through the waterfall. They'd been at the Tribe of Rushing Water for two days and she was healing, she could tell. Just not enough for her brother.
As she waited for a familiar face to return, even if it was Feathertail with a crabby apprentice padding after her, she slept, she talked to Star, she sat still as Stoneteller put unidentifiable herbs on her shoulder.
Then Stormfur returned. Brook was with him, as seemed to be becoming the norm. But then Brook got called away by a Tribe member, and she murmured a goodbye to Stormfur, her tabby tail flicking as she turned around. Stormfur walked back to where the Clan cats' nests were, his ears pricking uncomfortably as at least three cat's gazes followed him across the cave. Odd, that they're so interested in him. Although Stormfur looked more concerned then confused by the extra attention.
Before Stormfur could utter a word, Tawnypelt asked quietly, "Do you ever feel scared? I mean, really scared, not scared before a battle, or scared of whitecough in leaf-bare, but so scared that you'll drown in it if you're not careful?"
Stormfur sat down carefully beside her, his fur just barely brushing hers. "Yes." he admitted simply. "I felt terrified when they told Stonefur to kill us. Or when Graystripe and Firestar were trying so hard to save us, and we couldn't even jump over a few stones...what about you?"
Tawnypelt looked at him in surprise. "What makes you think I've been scared like that?"
"You wouldn't be able to describe it if you've never experienced it." Stormfur mewed gently.
"Oh. Well, when I first got to that clearing in RiverClan, and I saw Tigerstar snapping at Blackstar and the other warriors for letting half-breeds and traitors escape-" Stormfur inhaled quickly. "- and I saw him as I'd never seen him before. I saw him for what he really was. And...and I was scared when he died. I was scared that the thing closest to home had died with him, and I would be rejected everywhere that I went."
A familiar and comfortable silence settled between them. Stormfur spoke first. "Are you still scared?"
"Yes." Tawnypelt whispered. "And it's so stupid, because I've lived with ShadowClan for so long, and Tigerstar's been dead for a long time, but...he's always there. When I sleep."
"In your dreams, or your nightmares?"
Tawnypelt met Stormfur's haunted gaze, passing the truth to him without words. Stormfur nodded. Drowning in fear is impossible, Tawnypelt was assured to find, especially when you have a RiverClan cat by your side.
Once, and only once, did Tawnypelt let herself turn over the idea of Stormfur in her mind. She had to admit that the thought had been at the edge of her mind for ages, and she just wanted to get it over with and get it all out.
What if Stormfur hadn't been a prisoner in TigerClan, and they had lived in the same clan, even if it was just for that small amount of time? What if her eyes had been drawn to a gray pelt, rather than a ginger one? What if, even before they were apprentices, Stormfur and Feathertail had stayed in ThunderClan with their father? What if Tawnypelt had stayed, too? What if - ?
Tawnypelt shook her head, casting out these Stormfur thoughts before she could drown in them.
If she was honest with herself, Tawnypelt would admit that the thoughts still lingered within her, until -
Feathertail died.
And a part of Crowpaw died with her.
Tawnypelt promised herself then, in that moment, as they buried a silver cat amidst the rushing water and the anguished cries of Crowpaw and Stormfur himself, that she would never let it get that far.
And, much later, there's a certain tabby she-cat, and a certain ginger tom, and Tawnypelt is content with the way that things turn out.
They'll never be the same, constantly changing like a river's course over moons of time. But Tawnypelt took pride in the fact that she never drowned.
And that she was not too afraid to name her son after her father.