Not A Mouse Stirring by Wittyheroine
Disclaimer: Of course I don't own any of it. I just like messing with the characters. Some chapters loosely based on an Gilmore Girls.
Summary: Formally James Potter Must Die. In 1970s England, the Magical Monarchy might be coming undone with the rise of Voldemort who threatens currently ruling Potter line. A chance prank gone awry and a rumor taken too seriously ends with the engagement of one muggleborn Lily Evans to Prince James Potter. If the two can make people believe they're actually in love they could stop a war…if they aren't destroyed first.
Chapter Two
'Failed Threats and Buttfaced Miscreants'
It took less than an hour for the rumors to spread after the prank. Apparently, Lily Evans was a slag who was secretly having an affair with Sirius Black, James Potter, and Remus Lupin. The really, really sick people believed that not only was Lily Evans having affairs with them individually but they were all part of a secret sex group that involved them meeting up with each other and having threesomes. Needless to say, Lily Evans was more than a little pissed by the time that lunch time rolled around.
"Oh sweet Merlin," Lily said in exasperation as she slammed her books down on the table, taking a seat next to her two friends Dorcas Meadows and Marlene McKinnon. "I cannot believe they did that! Honestly, what did I do to deserve it?"
"Erm, other than the fact that you're friends with Severus Snape and that automatically makes you a target for them to prank?" Marlene said.
"Yes, other than that," said Lily.
"I've no idea, but you have to admit that it was pretty funny!"
"I just wish that they would have waited until we all had class together. I wanted to see it! From what I've heard it was brilliant," said Dorcas.
"Oh it was!" Marlene said enthusiastically. "The best bit was Remus shouting, 'Give them back their balls!' It was priceless!"
Lily just stared at her two friends in disbelief. "Well," she said, sounding particularly huffy, "I'm glad to see that my misfortune brings you such entertainment! Great friends you are. Are you currently aware that the whole school currently thinks that I'm a bloody slag?"
"Look at it this way," said Dorcas, "last week you were telling us that you were sick of people thinking that you and Severus were a couple just because you were friends and it's a lot better than that creepy rumor last year about you sleeping with Professor Slughorn. Now you have people thinking that you have the Marauders fighting over you. That's got to be an improvement."
"I don't want to be thought of as a slag period! Especially if people think that I'm being a slag for the Marauders! They're nothing but arrogant, little berks that hex people just for fun, torment my best friend, and make people's lives hell with their silly little pranks just because they can. Sweet Merlin, I can't begin to tell you how much I HATE RUDDY JAMES POTTER!" The last bit was said rather loudly and caused the entire Great Hall to look in her direction. Lily turned bright red and for the second time that day found herself wanting to sink in underneath the table and never emerge from it.
"Did you just call my name, Evans?" James Potter asked from the other end of the Gryffindor table.
"Go away, Potter," she said rather darkly.
Only James Potter didn't listen, which didn't surprise her in the slightest because he never listened. The arrogant, tall and messy haired Gryffindor Chaser/Quidditch Captain strode over to where Lily was sitting with her friends and promptly sat down next to her as if all were fine in the world. He smiled pleasantly at the three girls.
"Dorcas, Marlene," he said, "how are you ladies this fine afternoon?"
"We're quite alright James," said Marlene, "probably a whole lot better than you will be in five minutes considering the steam that is coming out of my best mates ears. Er Lily, are you okay?"
"I'm fine," Lily lied, glaring daggers at James, "why wouldn't I be? I mean it isn't as if I haven't been called a slag today almost one hundred times by people I don't even know. I'm absolutely bloody fine."
"Hmm, it's good that you haven't had people calling you a slag Evans, because that would be very unusual and Hogwarts is anything but unusual. I myself know that I had a very, very, dull day….especially this morning." James grinned like a maniac and Dorcas and Marlene could barely keep themselves from laughing as they watched Lily slowly get redder and redder in the face. "Are you alright there, Evans? You look like you are about to burst. You're not your usual chatty self."
"I am not chatty," she hissed, "and besides I don't have much to say, at least not to the likes of you."
"I don't know about you, but I get the sense that you're mad at me," said James, who then looked at her two friends, "do you get the sense that she's mad at me Meadows and McKinnon?"
"Just a wee bit James," said Dorcas, "you might want to go and sit back with your friends. She looks like she's going to kill you and if Gryffindor is going to win the Quidditch Cup this year we sort of need you alive."
"Dorcas, Marlene," said Lily, "can you please leave Potter and me alone for a second? I would like to have a word."
"Uh-oh, I don't like the sound of that. Don't do it girls. I might not be walking well in a few minutes." Despite his words James for whatever reason didn't look the slightest bit worried. Instead his hazel eyes were twinkling with amusement as if the fact that Lily wanted to kill him and probably would was the most entertaining thing in the world.
"Girls," she said warningly.
Marlene and Dorcas both gave James sympathetic looks. "Sorry," they apologized before grabbing their stuff and leaving the two alone as Lily had requested.
"So," said James, "I take it you're not going to compliment me on a brilliant job well done? Because that look on your face…well, it's not a good look."
Lily took a breath. "I…have…no words!" she exclaimed.
"It was just a joke!" James insisted.
"Oh no wait! I've found some. JERK, ASS, ARROGANT, INCONSIDERATE, MINDLESS, FRATBOY, LOW-LIFE, BUTTFACED MISCREANT!" Lily shouted, waving her arms as she did so and looking like her head was about to implode.
James's response was to snort in laughter. "Buttfaced Miscreant?"
The redhead girl just glared at him more. "Why would you do something like that?"
James was still just laughing at her. "I-I-I'm sorry but, buttfaced miscreant? Really Evans, what does that even mean?"
"You are a fifth year James Potter! You should be more mature than that! You have the whole bloody school thinking that I'm a slag, including my Professor, who decides my grades! You made me look ridiculous to him!"
He rolled his eyes. "No, I made me look ridiculous to him."
"You don't think he thinks I was a part of it?"
"Not bloody likely. You're Lily Evans, but if you want I can talk to good ol' Binnsy for you. I'll tell him you were an innocent bystander. It was just a joke."
"The class was in a frenzy the entire time! We never got back to what we were talking about!"
"Evans, you've got to be kidding me. It was History of Magic. Binns has been talking about the same ruddy Goblin Rebellion since we were in first year and besides, there will be another class next week."
"Ugh! Look Potter, I know classes and Hogwarts in general don't mean anything to you but it means something to me! I like being in good standings with my teachers and after your little prank I won't be. If you apologize to me and explain it to Binns, I'll let it go. If not I swear I'll-"
"You'll what, take away house points? Give me detention?"
"No, Potter. I will follow you and I will find out what your greatest fear is and use it to make a prank that will scare you so badly that you will never consider pranking me again," Lily threatened.
"Interesting, so does that mean that you'd be tracking me to find out the information for this prank?" James said, quirking his brow.
"Yes," said Lily determinedly.
"Following my every move?" he whispered into her ear which made her freeze.
"Yes," she said a second time only it sounded squeakier than before.
"I pick that way," he said with a smile, "we can start right now if you want. I'm heading right back to my room. I'll even keep the window open in case you feel the need to sneak in."
"I…I mean…" She was taken aback. That wasn't how he was supposed to re-act. He was supposed to quake in fear. "That's not fair!"
"What's not fair?" said James, smirking. "I'm looking forward to your prank. Many have tried before and many have failed. Be original, Red." Then he did something that completely surprised her and only infuriated her further: he kissed her on the forehead, and then strode off whistling to himself innocently.
Oh yes.
James Potter was a dead man.
A/N: Chapter Two came a little more quickly then I thought. I'm quite liking this story. I haven't written fanfiction in a long time and this is my first chapter length Lily/James fic. Actually its my first chapter length Harry Potter fic. Yay me. Reviews are much appriciated. :)