I'm a little nervous, I will admit. Not about the actual day but about every day after it. I never in my wildest imagination thought I would find Bella. She is the woman I have been waiting for; I have waited almost ninety years for her. And she is everything I hoped she would be albeit a little reluctant to become my wife.
She is modern and I am not. That's the real problem. I'm very traditional whereas she is very innovative. I want to get married and she does not but she will do it. We all have to make sacrifices in love. I have been, however, slightly dishonest. I have led Bella to believe I will turn her sometime after our wedding; sometime in the not too distant future.
I know it is her wish but I cannot go through with it quite yet; she has absolutely no idea what she will be giving up to become like me. Her soul, for one. I do not want to make my beautiful Bella a monster but I am afraid that that is exactly what she will become upon her transformation. For that is what we are; we cannot change that no matter how much we want to. And none of us had any other choice; we didn't make the decision to become this way. Carlisle did us a kindness, of course, and I will always be grateful to him for that. However, resentment is an easy emotion to master. I resent Carlisle for changing me but I don't hate him. I resent Carlisle for taking my soul; my humanity and yet I love him like a father. It's a complicated relationship that a vampire shares with the one who sired him. We form a bond; a bond that will never be broken but there is always the chance that the creation may turn on his master. I'm glad none of us ever have; I don't need any more reasons to think of myself in a negative light.
And, so you see, why I do not wish to bring any of this upon Bella. I suppose I am being selfish too, in a way, I couldn't bear Bella to resent me for what I had done to her even if it was her wish. It would still be my fault as I was the one who had completed the action. I can't help but think sometimes that it would have been better if I had just stayed away from Bella. She wouldn't, then, feel the need to throw her humanity away so recklessly. There were many reasons, however, that kept me away from Bella in the beginning.
The first of which was that I did not want to cause her any harm and I knew from the moment I met her (or smelt her, I should say) that she was my "singer"-the one human whose blood smells so absolutely mouth-watering it is impossible to resist. Every vampire has a "singer"; most, however, do not fall in love with theirs and decide to marry them.
The second reason for me keeping my distance from Bella was a much more personal reason; a reason I feel comfortable sharing only with you. I did not feel as though I deserved to be loved. Not just to be loved but to fall in love. I'm a monster; what right do I have to love? That's what I thought. But Bella has shown me otherwise; she has taught me that everyone deserves to be loved no matter who or what they are. I don't always believe that but I know somewhere deep down, that it is very true. That's a trait Bella possesses; she is very understanding and wise for one so young. That is something I treasure very much in her; she has a maturity that belies her age. It is refreshing to find a girl so mature and level-headed.
And one so beautiful too. I can never understand what Bella sees when she looks in the mirror. All I know is that she must possess a very skewed vision of herself because she is truly stunning. Those beautiful brown curls that frame a heart-shaped face; beautiful chocolate brown eyes and luscious full lips. She is just breathtaking to behold, I assure you of that, journal. However, I promise not to go off on a tangent like that again as I could waste a lot of paper if I starting discussing Bella's immense beauty in any great detail.
I, unfortunately, am not the only one who admires Bella's beauty. Jacob Black does also and what is worse Bella cares for him in return. I have decided to be the bigger man about it all though. I will not be petty or jealous. Bella has chosen me and for that I am eternally grateful.