Disclaimer: I don't own The Rocky Horror Picture Show. I write as a tribute to those who do. Also, the babelfish is from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
A/N: So... here it is explained why the Transylvanians and Latin-speaking Romans can understand each other completely. Speaking of understanding, the reason Columbia speaks that Google-translated/butchered/phonetically-written Latin is that this chapter is from Gemellus' point of view and that's probably what English is to him.
The three Romans were led, by the strange man in drag, down the elevator and too a sitting room. Lucius was impressed by the level of technology these people seemed to have. He was so busy marveling over this thing that he didn't even manage to keep up with the conversations around him. Not that there really were any.
Gemellus was glaring at Frank, who he didn't like, for most of the time stuck in the lift. Meanwhile, his mother attempted to get him to stop sulking. This didn't work and she eventually decided to talk to the silent Lucius. When the elevator reached the ground level, Gemellus managed to wander off without the others noticing.
For a while he wandered unhappily through the castle's many halls.
Then he – quite literally – ran into a young woman in faded, tattered pajamas. As you'd expect from a little punk like Gemellus, he didn't apologize. Since the
"Salweh!" she said happily.
"What the hell does that mean?" was his reply.
As you've surely noticed these two did not speak the same language. She knew only English, and he spoke just his native Latin. The aliens she lived with spoke every language one could possibly imagine. Though that was due to a chip of some kind they all had implanted in their brains. It's something like the babelfish, but artificial and far more complex. In fact it was based on the babelfish! That's how they all manage to speak English, despite being from a very distant place and having no business learning the dialects of a forgettable little place like Earth.
The perception of their accents varies slightly between various people. Usually their voices are what listeners expect their voices to be. For example: the dramatic Drag Queen has a theatrical British accent and the hunchbacked butler has a cliche 'Igor' voice. This explains why Magenta's accent fluctuates between a Bela Lugosi impersonation, RP British, and American. She's so odd nobody knows exactly what she is.
Though Columbia never got implanted with such tech. What kind of person wastes money giving such a gift to a cheap, temporary pet? Not even a madman like Frank N. Furter!
Anyway, this meant she couldn't understand a word Gemellus said and vice versa. Yet this girl looked very kind to poor Gemellus, so he was willing to teach her how to 'properly' speak.
Again, she attempted to speak to him: "Kwewh tuh, peir?"
"Huh?"
"Kwiz?"
This language she spoke was crude and resembled German (or so Gemellus thought). What little he knew of German had come from listening in on his family's slave's conversations. Though one learns all but nothing from hearing so little of a language. This girl had the fair skin seen on Germans, at least. And her oddly short hair had been died a reddish-pink shade. Surely only blonde hair (as seen on Germans, not Romans) could be tinted such a shade. Perhaps she was the corset-wearing man's slave. That would explain the short hair – the rest had been cut off to make a wig!
She seemed as confused as Gemellus, to his amusement. Not to mention she sure was cute. Also, he could see her breasts ('her pretty tits', as he would say just to be lewd) because she'd forgotten to properly button. And he sure didn't mind. Since he'd be an adult in two years he considered himself to be a rebel teenager. Like James Dean. If only he knew who James Dean was…
Somewhat cleverly, he decided to say nasty things in the hope of shocking her. Then he'd truly know if she understood Latin. Hopefully.
"You're really cute and I wouldn't mind sleeping in your room tonight. Or fucking you senseless tonight, even though I'm twelve. My cousin did it with his sister when they were, like, ten. By Jove's cock, you clearly don't understand a word of this shit I say. What's wrong with you? Look – you speakie Latin?"
Still she looked puzzled. At least there had been understanding in those pretty gray eyes when he'd said the word 'Latin'. So maybe she knew of it.
"How far is Rome?" he asked.
"Rome?" she repeated, looking a bit less confused.
"How far away?" he asked.
Now she looked confused again. Though she seemed to suddenly think of an idea. She beckoned for Gemellus to follow her down another hall, then into a Room. This room had many books – the rare bound kind, not the usual scrolls. Perhaps she wanted a dictionary? After looking around for a while, and not finding whatever she was looking for, she sat down on the floor. Gemellus sat beside her.
She pointed to herself. "Columbia."
Oh. So that was her name. Gemellus hadn't heard of that family before. At least it sounded Roma, so thru might have something in common.
"I'm Mel," he told her, repeating her gesture.
"Salweh, Mel," she said happily.
"Hello, Columbia," he replied.
They stood there in silence for a while. Then Mel decided it was time to explain the basics of civilized language to her. He took a small portrait and a notepad out of his tunic pocket. The portrait was a rushed drawing of Livilla, Sejanus, and Gemellus himself. He'd actually scetched it himself. Like most of what he did it was
"That's Mom, with the long dress. Her name is Livilla."
"Mater est Livilla," Columbia said, nodding. She was a quick learner, it seemed, and there were more similarities in the languages than Mel had thought.
"That guy is Sejanus. He's Mom's boyfriend."
Now Columbia seemed confused again.
"Mom's boyfriend? Er..." Mel wasn't sure how to explain.
That's when he thought of something rather amusing. He made a crude gesture with his hands, and then pointed at both Livilla and Sejanus. Now Columbia got it and began laughing. Then that expression that meant she had an idea. Eventually she held up a ring she'd been wearing. There were many on her fingers.
"No," Mel said, shaking his head. "Not married."
"Oh."
"Where are we?" Mel asked.
Then, he remembered his notepad. Quickly he scribbled a picture of a house, a few stick figures he labeled Columbia & Mel, and then a question mark.
"Denton, Ohio," Columbia explained.
"Is that in Germany? Britain?"
"America," she replied.
"Where's that?" he asked.
Understanding the expression of confusion on his face, she wandered off to another part of the room. Soon enough she returned with a book of maps. Since Mel didn't know how to read maps this was useless. Anyway, they were all in this weird Language he didn't 'get'.
Though it seemed a bit silly, he wanted to learn this strange language. He wanted to talk to Columbia, to understand her. She was nice to him and didn't ignore it and seemed somewhat neglected herself. Mel got this impression from the sad facts that nobody had bothered teaching her a sensible language like Latin or bought her nice new clothes to wear.
These two seemed to have much in common. Indeed, they would become friends…
A/N: I can't help but find Gemellus adorable! The two naughty/incestuous cousins he mentions are Gaius Caligula and Drusilla, by the way.
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