A/N: I'm on to writing the last chapter of this story, so I thought it wouldn't hurt to post another one. And besides, I reread the one I posted and felt like it wasn't enough. Hope you like this.
The train zooms past thousands of trees lining the flat expanse surrounding the district. Right now we're on our way to the Capitol. Peeta had suggested we call Dr. Aurelius regarding the flashback since they usually never last that long. I found out over dinner that he had woken up at eight in the morning and almost immediately had the episode. I found him downstairs at around past ten.
Dr. Aurelius asked Peeta if it would be okay for him to pay him a short visit again. I felt my jaw slack when he said that.
Is Peeta getting worse? What if something's happening in his brain? Would his life be at risk again?
Dr. Aurelius seemed to have known I'm going to be worried because he actually told me I could come, too. He just needs to send a letter to the different districts informing them of my visit to the Capitol for "medical purposes." He says he needed to see me, too, anyway. To see if I'm well enough to be cleared. Whatever that means. A week later, he called us again, telling us that we're good to go.
So that's how we ended up in here, inside this train heading towards a place I'm not sure I'm ready to see again. We're lying on our sides on the bed of our compartment, my back against his chest. Peeta's arms wrap around me tighter, I wonder if he sensed my thoughts.
"You okay?"
"Yeah, just…worried."
"About what?"
"You," I say. "And me, too." I add.
"You're strong, Katniss. I know you are."
I want to tell him no, I'm not. I just like to pretend I am. For everyone else's sake, I pretend I'm strong so they can be weak.
We arrive after another day spent cramped in that compartment. I felt restless for the most part of that last day on the train, so I urged Peeta to join me in roaming around. We avoid people, or more likely, we avoid attention. We stick to the narrow spaces, the shadowed spots. Sometimes it just hits me that it's like we're acting in an action movie or something, then the thought would make me smile.
As soon as the huge train doors open, we're greeted by our former escort and present friend, Effie Trinket. She's clad in…pink. But less extravagant now compared to when we first met her officially. Her wig isn't standing as tall as it used to be, and it isn't brightly colored. It's auburn. Actually it has something to it that makes me think it's her real hair.
"Nice hair, Effie," Peeta says.
She smiles sincerely at that, which only confirms what I thought. It is her real hair. We exchange greetings, then she ushers us into a cab that will take us to the hotel room we're supposed to stay in. Throughout the whole trip, Peeta and I are peering out the cab window. Although it wasn't as glorious as before, compared to the other districts, anybody could see how different the Capitol is.
We finally reach the hotel, and are given the key to our room on the sixth floor. If it weren't for the number on the card, we wouldn't find it. Everything is identical in here, same white walls, marble tiles, and wooden furniture. Peeta swings open the door, and we're allowed a few minutes of inspection, Effie asking us to just say it and she'd get it fixed or changed.
It's not as big as the ones we used to stay in in the Training Center. It only contains a queen-sized bed in the middle flanked by bedside tables on each side. A projector hangs from the ceiling in front of the bed. A bathroom is attached just to the end of the room, beside a curtained window that reveals a good view of the rest of the Capitol.
We tell Effie it would do just fine for us and we bid our goodbyes.
I forgot just how tiring it is to sit through a day and wait for the train to reach a destination. Peeta and I both just fall on the bed without any word. I wonder if he'll try to work me up and talk me into doing it tonight.
He doesn't, we just share a sweet kiss before falling asleep in each other's arms. It's enough.
Effie's almost banging on our door the next morning, yelling our names from the hallway. It oddly feels like we're about to attend training again or we need to prepare for the interviews. I tell Peeta this and he just chuckles, also making a joke on how Effie is probably mad at us for taking too long to prepare.
I put on a blue shirt, a pair of dark brown pants tucked into my hunting boots. I decide to leave my hair down since Effie's voice is getting louder and louder and I don't want her to disturb the other guests on this floor. Peeta has on a gray polo shirt, one of his khaki pants, and his leather shoes.
We get directed to a hospital, and the moment the smell of it fills my nose, I feel like gagging. All those memories from Thirteen flash before my eyes, they make me feel weak. My breaths comes in short and I break a sweat just by forcing myself to calm down. I look at Peeta and wait for him to lunge at me, but he doesn't. My knees fall beneath me and Peeta pulls me close to him, holding me up, whispering soothing words in my ears.
"Oh, dear. What happened? Is she okay?" I hear Effie squeak.
"She's fine, I think. It's probably just the hospital. This place isn't exactly associated with happy memories."
"Oh, of course. Come now, Dr. A's office is just around the corner."
My head is buried in Peeta's shirt as he half-carries, half-drags me to where the office is. I take deep breaths to calm myself. This is probably just a panic attack, like Peeta implied. It's nothing serious.
I hear a door close behind us and the next second I'm being lowered down to a seat. Peeta never lets go of my hand as he settles beside me.
"Is everything okay?" the doctor's slightly hoarse voice asks.
"Yeah," I croak out. "I'm just not very fond of hospitals."
"I understand, just take deep breaths. You'll be fine."
"I know."
Dr. Aurelius smiles at me tightly then knows better to leave me alone. He turns to Peeta and they talk. I zone out, the smell of alcohol and sterilized things still clouding my head. Peeta's explaining what happened, I think. A frown crosses the doctor's face. He nods. Peeta squeezes my hand. I squeeze back.
I need to focus on something. Anything to help me ignore the foul smell of the hospital. On Dr. Aurelius' desk, there's a small clock. I watch as the hand goes around and around. I'm staring at a clock but I don't know how much time has passed but the circular motion of the hands make me dizzy. Craning my head to my left, I see a neat stack of folders. I count them, a lot of times the folders blur into one and I lose track but I keep counting. Even when I'm not looking at the folders anymore, I'm still counting.
I've just reached 316 when I zone in again, and when I'm breathing normally again. They're not talking about the episode anymore. Dr. Aurelius is congratulating us for our marriage and for all the progress we've made.
"Thank you," I say.
"Nice to have you back, Katniss. Now, it's your turn. I want you to be honest with me, Katniss. We'll save more time." He gives me a tight smile. "Okay, so how are you?"
His question came out too casual so I have to arrange my thoughts for a moment before answering. "Good. I'm good."
He gives me a sign to continue so I do, "I mean, I still have bad days." I reluctantly admit. "And I just had a panic attack. But they're lesser now, the bad days, I mean. More good days than bad. Most of the time Peeta can pull me out of them, but there are days that I just can't help it."
"Are those random or is there anything special?"
"Mostly they're events like birthdays and stuff. Other times it's caused by something, like a bird or a flower or water."
"Like triggers…"
I nod. He mulls this over, his lips pursing. "What about nightmares?"
"I still have them, but not quite as abundant."
"How frequent?"
"One in a couple days, sometimes on bad nights I get three to five nightmares." I gulp when I say this. I'm still suffering. This is when I understand what he meant about getting me "cleared". He's going to see if they can relieve me of my punishment—my banishment to Twelve. Suddenly I want to take back everything I've said. Dr. Aurelius has just stood up and took some papers out of a black folder from behind him. He sets it on the table and hands me a pen.
"Okay, just sign here," he points to a blank at the bottom of the page.
"What's this?" I ask. As far as I can remember, I have perfect vision, but the letters on the page keep on dancing and I can't read anything. Nothing makes sense except that there's a huge Capitol seal embossed on the paper and I do not want to touch that.
"It's your clearance. Once you and I sign that, I'll forward it to the higher ranks then you'll be allowed inter-district travel."
"What?" I can't believe it. "B-but I'm still—I mean, what about everything I've said just minutes ago?"
"Katniss," he says in a tone that resembles the one Beetee used when he explained to us the plan in the Quell. "How much time has passed since the war ended?"
"I—I'm not sure. More than two years maybe?"
"Less than two years," he corrects me. "Only less than two years. You two have been through so much, and here you are, already married, and you only get occasional nightmares and a few bad days, and for Peeta, that last flashback was his first in almost more than two months. That's incredible progress! And as I've said, the both of you have suffered more than a person would in five lifetimes. So, nightmares and flashbacks, for you it'd be normal. And they won't be permanent. There will come a time that you two wouldn't be dealing with those."
"Thank you, Dr. Aurelius. Thank you so much."
"It's the least I could do. You're like my own children now." A tear rolls off his cheek and he wipes it right away. It's probably best to leave that subject to him, but curiosity gets the best of me. "You have children?"
"I used to. Just one, actually. She was just a kid. She was the most wonderful daughter in the world. She… she didn't have enough time. She died with all those children when the bombs blew off. Along with my wife."
God.
Prim. Prim. Prim. Prim. Prim. Prim. Prim. Prim. Prim. Pri—
No, don't think about her. I force those thoughts out of my head. I can't break down in here. I've just been cleared. I have to keep myself together. Peeta, as always, seems to know what's going on in my head because he squeezes my hand that is still clasped with his. I focus on another tear that falls from Dr. Aurelius' eyes. "I'm so sorry," I whisper.
"I'm sorry, too, Katniss. I know about her. So when they assigned me to you, I accepted right away."
"Thank you."
He tells me to sign the document right afterwards and we bid our goodbyes. I have to cling to Peeta tightly again as we walk out of the hospital. It's not until we're seated on the bed back in our hotel room that I realize I didn't get what he said to Peeta.
"Hey, what did he tell you? I don't think I caught it."
"Oh, he says it's probably due to the stress. We had so many visitors and such. I still need to drop by tomorrow for a quick scan then we can go home."
"I'll go with you," I say. I don't know, I must be expecting him to tell me I don't have to, especially with what happened earlier. But he doesn't. He actually looked relieved.
"Thank you," he says, looking down.
"You're… scared?"
His eyes dart to mine, then back to his hands. "I don't like hospitals either. They remind me too much of my cell."
My breath gets caught in my throat. So that's why he knew right away that I'm having a panic attack. Because he probably had one when he went here before. Alone. He must have been so scared. I don't know what to say. I can't really tell him it's fine, because it's not. So I lean into him instead, hoping it would bring him some comfort.
That night I dream of him locked up in his cell, his wrists bound together by a length of rope. He looks as battered as when we were first reunited in that room in Thirteen, when he almost strangled me to death. I couldn't look any longer so I turn away, but before the nightmare ends, I catch a glimpse of myself in the glass that separates me from Peeta. I'm not me.
I'm Snow.
It's midnight and I'm shivering though I can feel my whole body slick with sweat. Carefully, I extricate myself out of Peeta's arms, not wanting to wake him from my trembling, and sit beside him. He shifts, then I'm greeted by his eyes that when bathed in moonlight, are the brightest and coolest shade of blue.
He blinks at me, "You okay?"
Of course he'd be woken up. What was I thinking?
"Bad dream?" he asks. I just nod.
I grip the blanket as hard as I can to stop my hands from shaking. Looking back at it, the nightmare isn't very scary. I didn't kill anyone, Peeta was alive. Not well, but alive, and that is something I could settle for. But I don't know, I really don't know why I'm so terrified.
Maybe it's because of Snow. The idea of me being him, the very same person who put Peeta in so much pain and made him forget he loves me, is something I couldn't live with. I can't be that cruel. I was ruthless, deadly, even, but I would and could never hurt the people I love. At least, not intentionally.
Peeta sits up and opens up his arms. I lean into them and close my eyes. It's not real, I tell myself.
"It's not real," Peeta echoes. "I'm here."
It turns out Dr. Aurelius was right, nothing's gone wrong. It's just the stress brought on by the wedding. Too many people and such. We get home two days after that last visit to the hospital.
Since that visit though, a new kind of worry has bubbled up in me. I can't afford to think about Peeta's condition getting worse. I make sure to ask him every day if he has gotten a new episode but he keeps on telling me he is fine, I don't need to worry about him. I decide to trust him on this.
One Saturday morning though, about a month after our check-up in the Capitol, I finish my hunt early, an hour prior to my usual wrap-up time. My mood is fairly content, I think I'm even bouncing on my feet. The game I have is of the same amount I get on my normal hunting days, and I get to spend an added hour with Peeta. I have all the reason to be happy.
When I open the door, something feels off again. It's so quiet. The new kind of worry I have for Peeta, which usually dissipates the moment I see him around and about, now grows stronger and is threatening to suffocate me.
"Peeta?"
I drop my game bag to the floor and head for the living room where I found him a month ago. He's not there, so I check the kitchen. No Peeta either.
I turn to head for the stairs to check if he's still asleep. I hope he is.
I walk out of the living room and—
No. No, this isn't happening.
Peeta is lying still on the floor.
No, he can't die. He's not allowed to die!
I think I say his name, but I don't know and I don't care. I can feel my heart trying to pound its way out of my chest. I can't breathe. I run to his side, panic filling every bit of my body. I feel my whole body trembling. My hand automatically finds his chest to check for his heartbeat. "Peeta?"
There it is. One. Two. Three. Four… He's alive.
"Peeta?" I take his face into my hands and he stirs almost right away. A nervous laugh escapes me, "You're alive. What happened?"
His eyes sleepily open, trying to focus on me. I think he recognizes me because he smiles. "It's okay. Just blacked out. This one's just worse than the other three I've had this week. Nothing to be worried about."
"Other three?" I ask. What does he mean? He said he didn't get any recent flashbacks, not one in a whole month.
"Yeah, I got one last Monday, then Tuesday, then Thursday. Last week I got two." He must have hit his head somewhere because he's saying all these things to me. Things he kept secret.
A hundred thoughts bombard my mind, my head is starting to hurt from all of them. "Come on, let's get you upstairs."
My feet wobble from the rush of panic and from half of Peeta's weight on me. We manage though, even with my preoccupancy. I set him down on the bed and fetch his meds. He takes them and instantly falls back to sleep, not even bothering to send a look my way.
I sit on the wooden chair we keep in our room and watch him as I finally pay attention to the negative thoughts I buried at the back of my mind the moment I heard him say 'worse than the other three I've had this week.'
I don't know how much time I spent staring at him, letting my anger boil, but it must have been a long time because he has woken up. He sees me, and is probably wondering what I'm doing here on this chair just watching him sleep.
"Katniss?"
Before I can stop myself, the words just pour out of me, "I can't believe you lied to me."
"What? What are you talking about?" He asks, sitting upright.
"Don't you dare pull that what-are-you-talking-about shit on me!" I suddenly yell, bursting with so much anger. I know it's not completely rational but when I'm angry, I'm angry. "You told me you weren't having flashbacks, then this morning I find you on the floor, lying as still as a corpse!"
I see him open his mouth to say something, probably to defend himself or anything because his eyes almost look alarmed and apologetic and sincere but unlucky him I spot a bit of pride in it, too.
So I cut him off saying, "Then you tell me it's fine, you just blacked out because this episode was just worse than the fucking three you've had this fucking week?!"
I actually laugh at this.
"You should have known better to just tell me the truth. You know I hate being lied to. And you, of all people, Peeta! It's you! I trusted you with my life but you don't even trust me enough to tell me you're not doing okay?!"
"I didn't want to bother you. I didn't want to keep you in here when you should be out hunting," he answers calmly, but I can see it in his eyes that he's on the verge of screaming at me, too. It's his weakness, those blue eyes. They always show what he really feels inside. And the fact that he's actually going to raise his voice at me soon makes me even angrier.
"What, so you think it's so important to me that I go out and visit the woods?! More important that I am there for the man I married?!"
"Well, you know what, Katniss?" he suddenly snaps. "Maybe I'm just tired of being a burden to anyone! Maybe I didn't want people looking at me like I'm wounded, like I can't even get through a day because I'm. So. Fucking. Broken."
"You know I don't see you like that!"
"Yes, you do! And it's the reason why you're mad at me, because I'm so unstable I need your help!"
"Do you really think I'm mad at you for being you?! Or for being as you so beautifully phrased, 'unstable I need your help?' I'm mad at you because you didn't tell me and ask for help! I'm mad at you because you never let me take care of you because I'm Katniss Everdeen and I'm not capable! It's only you, huh? It's only Peeta fucking great Mellark who's allowed to help! You only think of yourself! What if you hit your head somewhere and you died like I thought you did when I found you unconscious at the foot of the stairs?" My voice cracks at the end, and I'm not shouting anymore, the idea of Peeta dying still too strong for me to think of even when I'm right here just about done yelling at him.
In my mind I see his body again, lying still. I feel the panic, the suffocation I felt, like suddenly all the air in my lungs has been sucked out. The sharp feeling in my stomach like somebody just kicked me in the gut.
I feel the pain, the emptiness that would come with Peeta's death.
"How dare you?" I ask, a tear rolling off of my cheek. "How dare you let me believe you're dead when you know I would die if you died, and when you know you're the only one I have left?"
I stand and silently walk to the door, and when I feel him move to come and get me, I run.
A/N: I saw the opportunity so I took it. It'll all make sense in the next chapter. Here's something from Katniss in chapter three: "Get away from me."
Please tell me what you think! Thanks for reading by the way.