Not sure this makes much sense, but here, hope you like it :)
Christina Perri-Human (in case you were wondering.
Read, Review, Enjoy.
I can hold my breath.
I can bite my tongue.
Rachel sat on a tall, wooden stool in the center of the choir room, singing her heart out to her small but important audience.
I can stay awake for days,
If that's what you want.
The gleeks were there, her teammates. Most of them were only now learning what she had been living with for months, and a few of them seemed they could not care less, but they were her teammates, none the less.
Be your number one.
Mr. Schuester was there, looking at Rachel sympathetically, having only heard the story moments ago, but trying to be supportive.
I can fake a smile.
Ms. Pillsbury was there, wet wipes and pamphlets in hand.
I can force a laugh.
Her fathers were there, silently cheering her on with pride in their eyes.
I can dance and play the part,
If that's what you ask.
Santana was there, and though they had never really been friends, they had gotten close since that day in the bathroom (Hard to believe that was a whole two weeks ago, huh?).
Give you all I am.
Noah was there, and she was grateful for that fact. If it weren't for him, she'd either be at home, crying-sobbing-in her bed with her fathers in the background watching worriedly, or smiling that same false smile she'd grown accustomed to since Jesse came into her life, and pushing her feelings down-pretending they didn't exist. And she knew for certain that both of those options were headed down the path to self hatred (more than she already had), self harm, and an inevitable noose around her neck as her red turned blue lips gasped for air.
I can do it...
There were plenty of songs to choose from, ones that would probably better explain her situation to the group, but after hearing this song on the radio, she knew it was the one.
I can do it...
Even if no one else understood what she was trying to say, she was proud of herself for finally saying it.
I can do it...
She was finally getting it all out there, finally telling her secret, finally expressing herself, the way Rachel Berry always did: in song.
She plucked another candy from the bag Santana had bought her, and threw it at Noah's sleeping form. The ground was littered with them, along with other things she'd found to throw at him.
It wasn't that she had bad aim, oh no, she'd actually managed to hit him every single time. The problem was, that Noah was an incredibly heavy sleeper. As in poke him, throw things, take pictures, he still wasn't waking up (sure if she yelled, he would have woken up, but where's the fun in that?). She knows, she's been doing it for the past half hour.
Santana left about an hour ago, promising to return when she could, and for a while Rachel gotten along fine by herself. But being in a hospital room, there was only so much one could do before boredom ensues.
And boredom had hit.
So she began her candy-throwing game.
But one could only throw things at an unconscious form before boredom returned.
"No-ahh! Wake up already, sleepy head!" she giggled as she clutched a small handful of the chocolate and prepared to throw.
"Don't even think about it, Berry." she's not gonna lie, she still thought about it.
Noah was still in the same exact position as he had been, his eyes were still sealed shut and everything. Just by looking at him, he seemed as asleep as he was before she began her game of 'lets wake up Puck'. So, looking between her handful of candy and the apparently-not-as-asleep-as-she-thought boy in the chair across from her, she did it.
She threw them.
Little chocolates fell from the air, assaulting Puck from every angle available.
And she reached her goal: He finally opened his eyes.
Granted, he was glaring at her and covered in mini candies, but it was a start. Giggling, she pulled out her phone and snapped a picture of him, saving it like she had the others (she'd taken those while he was still enjoying nap time).
"Okay, Berry, i give. What's with you?"
"I beg your pardon?" She asked, a teasing smile still gracing her face.
"Why are you sitting here laughing and having fun, pretending nothing happened?" Seriousness masked his features and in an instant the fun, carefree tone of the room disappeared.
"Look, I'm just happy that it's all over. He is finally out of my life and I... I'm free, Noah." She couldn't say, or even speak his name since it happened. She didn't want to.
"I don't buy that for a minute."
"You don't have to buy anything, Noah. You asked me a question and I gave you an answer. And like it or not, it's the truth." Rachel knew she'd have to talk about it eventually, but in all honesty, she didn't want to. All she wanted to do was enjoy being a teenager again. To get back to being... herself. "Now can we just drop it?"
Apparently Puck had other ideas though, because he continued on with his line of questioning, "Why did you take it as long as you did, Rache? Why continue to let him push you around and control you? You're better than that, Rache."
There was a softness in his eyes as he spoke, but she could practically feel the judgement coming off of him. She hated him for pitying her. Bathing in ignorance, thinking he knew what was going on in her head. Thinking he was better than her.
He may not have said these things, but she knew they were there, bouncing around in his mind, on the tip of his tongue, just aching to come out.
"How is what he did to me any different than what you've been doing for years?"
"First of all, i apologized for that when we were dating, and i haven't thrown one slushy at you since then." He was apologetic at first, but soon turned angry. "Besides, throwing slushies isn't the same as throwing punches."
Rachel responded with 3 simple words. "Isn't it though?"
"What are you even talking about? They're totally different."
They were different, she knew that. But really, weren't bullies just bullies, no matter what the form of tormenting? If they were, than slushies really were the same as punches.
"Its not just the slushies though you know? I mean yeah, you've doused me in slushy day after day since we were in 6th grade. Not to mention all the horrific names you've all called me, and all the drawings on the bathroom walls-lets just not get into those. But seriously. All of the bullies at Mckinley are the same as..." It was the only time she stuttered in her mini-rant. It was the first time she'd uttered his name since it happened. "J-Jesse in my eyes, They-"
"I don't have to take this." He interrupted, standing up angrily, clearly not wanting to be compared to a monster like Jesse St. James.
"Yes you do, actually. You wanted me to talk, i'm talking. Now sit back down and let me finish." He complied. She noted Santana in the doorway, fresh tears in her eyes, but did not acknowledge her specifically. At this point, she didn't care who she was saying it to, she just had to get this off of her chest.
"They both make me feel like crap about myself. They make me feel like i'm not worth it, like i have to be something i'm not. It's like they're trying to mold me into something better, something they deem special. The only difference between them and him is that he was willing to inflict physical pain to do it. But now i realize that I am special, but i'm also human, I can't be everything everyone wants me to be. I just can't. They can't mold me into a better version of myself, because there is no better version of myself. I am me, and that's it. I'm not going to let anyone change me, or break me. It doesn't matter anymore, im no longer a victim, and I'm not going to act like one. "
It was a moment before anyone spoke, but for that moment, it was completely silent, save for the beeping and buzzing of hospital machines.
"I'm sorry." She'd never thought she would see Puck cry, but here he was, tears in his eyes.
"Why are you even here, Noah? Why do you even care?"
"I just... I needed to see you."
She didn't question him, didn't press the matter further. Santana entered the room again, sitting in the seat beside Rachel and opposite Puck. Together they let the serious conversation drift away as though it had never happened, and enjoyed the rest of the visiting hours.
However, just before Noah left for the day, sure to come back tomorrow, he hugged her and whispered a few words of wisdom in her ear.
She thought about these words for the rest of the night, even as she stared up at the dark hospital ceiling.
"Don't just cover up your feelings. Do what Rachel Berry does best, sing."
But I'm only human,
So she ended up here.
And I bleed when i fall down.
Singing about how she couldn't do it anymore.
I'm only human,
Singing what she felt:
And I crash and I break down.
that she wan't perfect,
Your words in my head, knives in my heart.
she was done trying to be;
You build me up and then I fall apart.
that it was okay to be herself,
'Cause I'm only human.
even if that meant occasionally falling apart.
And fall apart she would.
She'd been through a lot, didn't she deserve at least that?
I can turn it on,
Be a good machine.
I can hold the weight of worlds,
If that's what you need.
All eyes were on her.
I can do it...
She used to like the attention, but now...
I can do it...
Well, things were different now.
I'll get through it...
She was different now.
But I'm only human,
And I bleed When I fall down.
I'm only human,
And i crash and I break down.
Your words in my head, knives in my heart.
You build me up and then I fall apart.
'Cause I'm only human...
She meant what she said in the hospital that day.
I'm only human...
Sure she'd said it all in the heat of the moment, caught up in a rant.
I'm only human...
But she wanted to do whatever she could to never be the victim again.
Just a little human...
Because Rachel berry can take a lot of crap from a lot of people.
I can take so much.
But she would never take that again.
'Til I've had enough.
Jesse had changed her.
'Cause I'm only human.
And I bleed when i fall down.
Not in the way he'd attended to, but he had.
I'm only human.
And I crash and I break down.
She would never be that same girl who let herself get victimized for 'love'.
Your words in my head, Knives in my heart.
But she couldn't go back to the girl who had vowed to never let that happen, because in reality, it did happen, and she did let it...
You build me up and then i fall apart.
No, she would be someone else entirely.
The girl who knew it could and would happen, the girl who wasn't afraid, the girl who was a victim... the girl who survived.
'Cause I'm only human...
She let her own voice fade off and looked out into the crowd of people she, for the most part, loved.
Confusion, Surprise, Sadness, Disbelief, Recognition, Sympathy, Anger, Pride, Judgement... She saw it all.
There were a thousand songs she could have sung to explain what she'd been going through, thousands of songs that actually had to do with a similar situation. But only this song got her feelings across. Only this song explained what she felt.
She no longer had to hide her bruises under thick coats of makeup, large sunglasses, bundles of clothing.
She had a long road ahead of her, but she was ready for it.
Rachel Berry no longer had to worry about who everyone else wanted her to be.