A/N: More crack for you! :) I hope you like it and I also hope that this chapter can live up to the first. This one is actually going to be continued and it's set sometime after MM's birthday. :P A huge thanks to Sultry Sweet, who did the beta work again. :)
...if you want more crack, feel free to check out my SQ crack video that also features Miss Blanchfart. (My youtube channel is 'LovingUkillsMe')
ENJOY! :)
Miss Underhand, Miss Blanchfart and Sandy Bullock coming together.
Or Chapter 2 - The stories of Miss Blanchfart and Swan freaking CANON Queen
The woman with the pixie haircut approached her daughter who was sitting on the couch, sipping on a beer. Snow herself never was the one to do any gardening work and since Charming seemed to be occupied by whatever else really, she just considered Emma to be the chosen one for the task.
"Could you mow the lawn please?" The brunette asked her daughter.
"Moan? What are you talking about mom?" Mary-Margaret nearly forgot that Emma had had a serious cold the other day, which not only affected her throat and nose but somehow also made its way to her ears.
"I said MOW!"
Emma blinked a few times before she seemed to be able to process what she had heard. She smiled lightly at her mother when she replied.
"Yeah, sure."
After stretching a little, the blonde somehow managed to finally stand up. A yawn escaped her lips once she actually stood straight. Emma was on her way to the gardening utensils when her mother spoke up, apparently giving her some dating advice. At least, that was what Emma assumed she would hear.
"Watch out for the girls."
"What?! Are you kidding me? You know that Regina is the only woman I want." Emma angrily replied.
"Emma, the squirrels! I'm talking about the animals!"
Snow seemed slightly pissed off, but she only tried to clear up the situation. She nevertheless failed.
"What? I'm definitely not stalking anyone… except maybe Regina…" Emma goofily said, her cheeks blushing at the revelation.
"Would you just listen for once?" Snow hissed.
"I am listening, mom." Her daughter gave her a cheeky grin and sat down on the couch once more, already feeling tired of having to stand on two feet for too long.
Snow muttered angrily to herself. "First thing you didn't misunderstand."
"What the hell? I don't know a fucking Miss Underhand." Emma responded with a confused look written all over her face.
"No shit."
An hour of misunderstanding later
Emma had finally started to mow the lawn when Mary-Margaret made her way to the garden.
"Hey, Emma! Regina wants you to clean... the whore house!" The older woman screamed, but she really wasn't talking about a whore house.
"The fuck? Since when does she own a crib...?"
Emma's question was drowned out at the end by the loud sound of the lawn mower.
"Could you turn off that stupid lawnmoaner?" Snow yelled exasperatedly as she intently stared at the blonde.
After Emma actually turned the thing off, her mother decided to speak up again.
"Emma, is it going to be a boy or a girl?"
Snow already felt the grandma-feelings coming up when Emma mentioned a crib and therefore couldn't hold in her excitement. She just loved, loved, loved kids… even more than she loved animals. And having yet another grandchild seemed to be pleasing the woman. The child could play with Hannah Mootana every now and then and maybe distract her own poopy fragrance at times.
Emma just looked at her mother in confusion while not believing what she had heard.
"I'm not sure if I know what you're talking about... wait a second."
Silver-grey smoke engulfed the more than startled blonde as she 'magicked' herself to Regina's and her mansion, leaving a pissed-off brunette behind.
"For the love of the red-footed booby!" Snow muttered angrily when she pulled out her phone, desperately wanting a response from her daughter. She just needed a grandchild if she wasn't going to have a child on her own.
She hit 'send' before re-reading the message to the blonde.
'So what is it going to be? A gorilla would be nice.'
"Oh, damn you auto-correct."
The brunette muttered, infuriated with the piece of electronic shit in her hand and quickly corrected herself.
'I meant GIRL! Stupid phone.'
At the mansion
The blonde instantly appeared in front of the mayor, slightly choking because of the cloud of smoke. Emma wasn't completely acquainted with the art of magically 'poofing' herself to various places. Regina had already showed her a lot, but that shit still scared the shit out of her and also often caused serious headaches.
"Whoa…" Emma groaned as she suddenly stood a few inches away from a very naked Regina in the bathroom. When she finally took in the beauty in front of her she smirked and seductively mumbled.
"Hi there, sexy."
The brunette immediately blushed, not feeling taken aback at all about the sudden intrusion; mainly because it had happened quite a lot lately.
"Hello, Miss Swan." Regina replied with a very husky voice.
"I love it when you're bossy." Emma continued to smirk and winked at her lover.
The blonde cupped the older woman's cheeks as she planted a soft kiss on Regina's lips and immediately smiled into it. The kiss only lasted seconds before Emma's phone vibrated.
"What is so rudely interrupting our entanglement, Sheriff?" Regina purred when she teasingly pulled the phone out of the blonde's pants pocket. Her naked body brushed over the dressed one of her lover slightly when she moved back to have a look at the message.
She chuckled at first, probably because of reading the gorilla part. However, once reading the second text and realizing what the message actually stated, her face contorted in confusion.
Emma eyed the brunette with a concerned look and stepped closer, trying to reach for her phone. Regina quickly held it behind her back though, gazing into her lover's eyes and a wide smile suddenly grazed her lips. The overwhelming and joyous feeling quickly affected her eyes that had started to glow with happiness. The woman seemed at least ten years younger than usual.
"Are you pregnant, darling?" She spoke so softly and lovingly that it almost broke Emma's heart.
The blonde wanted to ask her the same thing but felt dumb all of a sudden. Neither of them was fucking pregnant. What the hell was her mum even up to? Spreading all these lies and shit… Emma didn't know what to say. She could only hurt the woman in front of her and herself as well.
However, before the blonde could even say something, Ruby suddenly hopped out of the laundry basket with a used slip on her head. That was slightly gross and totally weird.
"OH, YES. FINALLY! BABY SWANQUEEN, I WAS WAITING FOR YOU FOR SO LONG! WE ARE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER LIKE JACOB AND RENESMEE." The wolf girl suddenly screamed.
"Could you maybe... like… not be here right now?" Emma looked at her as she narrowed her eyes.
"But I just wanted…"
"RUBY JUST SAID BUTT!" Henry came in out of nowhere and yelled at the three ladies, with a sheepish smile on his lips, which he could only have inherited from his blonde mother.
Regina rolled her eyes as she still stood there, totally naked. She couldn't be ashamed of her perfect body though and Ruby had seen it before anyway. One way or another, the former Evil Queen was freaking pissed with the situation and conjured the two idiots out of the room with a swing of her hand. The brunette locked eyes with her lover again as she spoke up.
"So are you pregnant, Emma?"
"No."
A single tear fell down as the blonde's cheeks were slightly wet, revealing her own disappointment and frustration. Tender arms immediately enfolded her once a soothing voice filled her ear. Emma hugged the other woman back and felt slightly better. It was in that exact moment that she knew what was missing in her life.
"I want us to have another child." The blonde said and looked up, staring into sad chocolate brown eyes that she could only get lost in.
"Me, too."
Regina smiled back. She lovingly pecked her girlfriend and wiped away Emma's tears with her thumb.
After a while, Emma decided to speak up again. However, she was quite surprised that she could so easily and quickly change the subject.
"That misunderstanding moment with my mother wasn't that bad I guess… although she had also said something about a whore house, so I am not quite sure if I know what she had meant by that. Regina, seriously, what are you keeping from me? Are you some kind of a brothel owner or what?"
The brunette let out a breathy laugh, forgetting her sadness completely. The incredible and exaggerated idiocy of her girlfriend was something she could only adore without even knowing why.
"I don't think I am a brothel owner, love. I was actually talking about the cleaning and flooring of the house or rather of a room."
"Oh okay… Are you talking about a nursery?" Emma asked as she felt overly excited and that was a scary feeling for the blonde. She wanted to definitely extend the family on the one hand, but on the other, she felt quite afraid of raising a child.
"Yes." The brunette grinned happily and kissed her lover's cheek.
At Snow's
Snow walked around in her apartment, staring at her phone all the time. However, when she heard a familiar moo come from not so far away, she immediately felt better.
"Oh, hey. There you are, Hannah. Where have you been?"
The cow looked quite sad when she stared at the woman with the pixie haircut.
The cow's flashback:
Hannah was trotting around in the backyard of Snow's apartment and chewed on nothing. She felt definitely content of having the lawn all to herself and having such a good owner. Snow always spoiled her like a little child and Hannah loved it.
However, when she suddenly crashed into a male cow on HER lawn, Hannah wasn't amused at all.
"MOO, BITCH! GET OUT THE WAY! GET OUT THE WAY!" The crimson animal shouted at the other normal looking animal.
"What kind of monstrosity are you?" The intruder replied in a very harsh manner.
"I am Hannah Mootana. Who the bullshit are you?"
"I'm Sandy Bullock… you know as in bull."
Hannah had to laugh at the name, especially because it didn't sound manly at all.
"I'm at least black and white, you blood-filled tampon!"
The red cow gasped at that. This wasn't fair. She used to look normal, too.
Flashback over
The cow mooed non-stop as Snow eyed her expectantly. When the animal was seemingly done, the brunette exhaled deeply and put on an evil glare.
"This is so unfair! What a bully!"
Hannah looked even sadder when Snow said 'bully'.
"Oh, I'm sorry. Some beings just don't have feelings! I mean... except Charming of course… Where is he anyway?"
At David's
"I'll win you over. I can feel it." The pirate spoke up with a satisfied smirk settling down on his face.
"Uh, please, Hook, don't tell Snow. It was just this one time!"
"Yeah, that's what they always say before they come crawling back."
"Who's they?"
"Good point."
At Snow's
After Snow quickly stopped to think about her husband's location, she decided to say something again. "Well, whatever. Let's go find Sandy Bullock and teach her a lesson."
The cow drooled on the floor before she mooed again.
'Sandy Bullock is a bull.'
Snow let out a loud laughter once she heard the cow's reply.
"BAHAHA. What a jerk."
At the mansion
"What's that smell, love?" Regina eyed her lover as she moved out of their bathroom.
"It was probably Big Mooma, again." The blonde answered dryly, but she was really thinking of 'Hannah Mootana'.
"Are you talking about your mother?" The mayor looked at Emma and crinkled her forehead in confusion.
"No. I was thinking about her cow. I still can't believe that Snow smells like that." The Sheriff replied and shrugged her shoulders.
"Well, she had had such an unpleasant smell before."
"What do you mean?"
"Back in the Enchanted Forest, there was always a hideous smell surrounding her. I thought that it would come from the animals around or just because of the low standards concerning body hygiene."
"Um, so how did you smell?"
"Most certainly not like butterflies. Rather like apples."
Regina smirked at her lover but continued to walk into the garden, only to see a fat white cow standing close to her apple tree, smashing its head against it. Some apples were falling off of the tree and the former Evil Queen was getting totally infuriated.
"IF YOU, RARE PIECE OF MEAT, DARE TO TOUCH ONLY ONE APPLE, I WILL THROW YOU INTO MY PAN AND MAKE A DELICIOUS WELL-DONE STEAK OUT OF YOU!"
The blonde looked at the mayor in shock and walked towards her. Regina already stood in front of the animal, burning with anger and staring into its eyes. Sandy Bullock mooed loudly and obviously pooped because of its fear towards the evil woman in front of it. The cow got no game.
"Babe, calm down."
"CALM DOWN? IT RAN AGAINST MY APPLE TREE."
Regina moved to her tree and brushed her hands over the strong stem of it. She slowly calmed down once the cow took a few steps back and the brunette kept on eyeing her beloved tree.
Emma raised one eyebrow, looking at her lover and muttered under her breath, barely audible.
"My wife's awesome. She even has chemistry with a tree."
However, the brunette had heard her and spoke up with a sassy smirk on her lips.
"First of all, I'm not your wife and secondly yes, I am amazing."
"But all these tumblr pictures and stuff claim that you're my wife… often 'angry wife' but it's on there. IT'S CANON!"
Suddenly Henry hopped out of the tree crown and yelled.
"EMMA JUST SAID BUTT!"
Regina and Emma just stared at their son and rolled their eyes in unison. Yes, their boy was freaking crazy and sometimes stupid, but he was also smart at times, especially when it came to things nobody cared about, like comics or animals.
Anyway, from a distance they could see that the butterfly pooper was driving towards them in a new car, the cow's head looking out of the passenger seat's window. The tongue of the animal fluttered in the wind and the window of the backseat was already covered in slobber.
Once the two got out of the car and moved over to the others, it instantly smelled like shit or something that could burn away nostril hair.
"Is that Sandy Bullock?" Snow hissed through gritted teeth, definitely pissed, and pointed to the cow next to the apple tree.
"To me she looks like a Milkshake or a Moofasa or maybe even a Cocoa." The blonde replied and shrugged her shoulders.
Her mother furrowed her brow in confusion and gave Emma a response a second later.
"I didn't even ask you. I was talking to Hannah Mootana."
Regina smirked and whispered into her girlfriend's ear, trying to keep a straight face.
"Call a psychiatrist. Your mother has officially become mental."
The blonde chuckled slightly before she moved towards her mother who seemed to still listen to her mooing cow. When the animal stopped mooing, and also drooling, Snow spoke up again.
"This is him! We'll take him to the animal shelter. It's better to have a bully under control then to leave him walking around freely."
Emma and Regina just eyed the woman with the pixie haircut in confusion. Snow was already making her way back to her car, dragging the two cows along with her, but suddenly stopped halfway. She turned around and managed to say something.
"Damn. I don't even have driver's license. Emma, could you drive us there?"
The blonde watched her mother in shock. How on earth had the woman even driven to the mansion without a license? That seemed pretty illegal to the Sheriff. However, she let that thought go as Regina suddenly pushed her towards her mother.
"Go, love. Please, get rid of those idiots." The brunette lovingly whispered into Emma's ear, causing goose bumps where her breath hit the blonde's skin.
"Fine." The Sheriff muttered and walked over to the car.
Emma slid into the driver's seat and waited for the cows to get in the backseat and for her mother to settle down beside her.
Regina came over and gave her girlfriend a quick peck on the lips before she spoke up.
"You are my last hope."
Emma smiled at the mayor and replied. "Yes I know. I'm awesome."
Suddenly, Ruby came out of the trunk, screaming.
"NO, YOU'RE NOT! DUDE! DON'T LIE!"
The blonde just grinned cheekily as she yelled back.
"I'm awesome! I'm driving round in my mom's ride."
Before the filled up car actually drove away though, Snow chimed in, winking at Regina.
"I'm expecting a girl, you know!"
And with that, the car moved away from her. The brunette just stood there, completely startled at the sudden outburst of the butterfly pooper. Speaking of poop, it suddenly smelled a lot better in the area.
Regina inhaled deeply and happily and waltzed into the mansion.
At Snow's
"AAAAAAND IIIIIII- E- IIIIII WILL ALWAAAAYS LOOVEE UUUUUU!"
The blonde couldn't believe what was happening in the moment. Her mother loudly squeaked the lyrics of a Whitney Houston song as the cows happily mooed along in the back. The crimson animal sat in the seat behind the Sheriff and drooled on her shoulder every now and then.
Emma just wanted to be out of the car. This was freaking awful. And it sounded and smelled like shit.
Snow's voice seemed like it was coming from a screaming goat in one of those YouTube videos. The cows were miraculously better than her.
The Sheriff drove further with a stern expression on her face, the window open beside her and her head hung out of it.
When butterflies suddenly blocked the blonde's view, she was totally taken aback and steered into the opposite direction. The tires screeched and the car instantly turned over.
…to be continued.