Kakashi sighed on the inside as Inoue forged through her convoluted explanation. Apparently whatever was affecting Naruto was developed for future daughters-in-law to take before visiting their fiancés' traditional household. From a single dose, she would be the perfect little housewife for two to three days, all demure and polite despite any cutting criticisms from unhappy in-laws, enough to prevent someone from disputing their union on account of poor etiquette. The potion used to sell for 800 ryou a bottle, before a particularly feminist group caught wind and threatened to shut down production. Now Inoue would only make it on special order for those desperate enough to fork over 10 000 a pop ("…Hazard pay, you ninja know how it is.").
Naruto was on a little cot in the corner, and Kakashi watched as Sakura fussed over her patient and Sasuke pretended not to care but was not-so-secretly stealing glances at the unconscious blond. Kakashi cleared his throat.
"Inoue-san, that's all very interesting, but what does it mean for Naruto here?"
"Well, that depends on how he took it and how much he took. A dose is usually three drops under the tongue, which lasts for a few days. I had about half a bottle left, good for at least fifteen paying customers…"
"So now he's stuck like a girl for the next month?"
"That sounds about right. If he manages to wake up."
"What?"
"He may have fatally overdosed."
"What?"
Naruto became aware of a distinct lack of dripping noises as he walked down a decidedly less dank and dark pathway towards the Kyuubi's prison. The walls eerily glowed pink and the scent of roses wafted in the air.
"Am I in the right place…?"
He spotted a large, frilly curtain in the distance and jogged up to it. He grabbed an edge and pulled it apart –
"—IS GOING ON AROUND HERE? SOMEONE—"
Only to drop it back down quickly. Muffled yelling filtered through the curtain, which, Naruto now noted, had a floral pattern. He shivered and opened the curtain again.
"—THE MEANING OF THIS!"
"Alright, alright, no need to yell!" Naruto wiggled a finger in one ear. Kyuubi growled but stopped ranting. "What's up with the new decorations? They're not your usual style."
The grating sound of giant teeth grinding against each other echoed through the chamber.
"I mean, I always thought you were more of a bloody, violent kind of demon, not…" Naruto rubbed the curtain fabric thoughtfully between his fingers.
Grind grind grind.
"Okay, okay," Naruto said, knowing when enough was enough with the fox. It came with practice over the years.
"We have things to discuss. But first: Get. Rid. Of. This. Veil."
Naruto shrugged. No problem, it was hideous and creepy anyway. He yanked hard on the fabric, expecting it to rip cleanly down. Nothing happened.
"Put some muscle into it, brat!"
"I'm trying!" Naruto pulled harder but the flower print stayed there mocking him. "It's not working."
After some grumbling and threats, Naruto managed to part the curtains and pin them apart to the sides with some fancy kunai work. Almost immediately, the sharp killing tools disappeared into bright pink ribbons.
"…Did you just…?"
"…Yes."
Naruto was officially weirded out.
Sakura ran a diagnostic jutsu on Naruto and kept an open ear on the ongoing conversation. Honestly, creating a potion and marketing it to the general population without determining the toxicity index? It's a miracle it was ever approved for sales.
Heart rate, high-ish. Blood pressure, relatively normal. Temperature, slightly high. Chakra healthy, though it did feel a little weaker than usual. From what she could tell, it didn't seem like Naruto was dying, but one never knew for sure. She kept the jutsu running. Maybe she'd have to draw the poison out like that one time in Sand…
"…and I've never studied its effects on males, so who knows what'll happen?"
Sakura kept an eye on Sasuke for any signs of upset. After coming back to Konoha and being put under house arrest, Sasuke seemed able to tolerate Naruto more, going so far as to clean up Naruto's kitchen once in a while (strangely enough, every second Monday of the month). Clearly the boys got along.
Sasuke looked at Naruto for a brief moment and thinned his lips.
Yes, clearly.
"So you're saying that your cage suddenly got dark – well, darker anyway – and you couldn't see or hear anything until I opened the curtains?"
"That's correct."
"Sweet! I've always wanted a way to shut you up whenever you get annoying."
Kyuubi growled menacingly. "Don't you dare, worthless brat. And it works both ways. It was preventing my chakra from leaving as well."
"Oh. Well that could be a problem."
"Indeed."
"How about now?"
"Now it's not as bad." Kyuubi paused, ears perking up to listen to silence. "We seem to be in a bit of trouble."
"What?"
"You need to wake up. I can't hear very well."
"What kind of–"
"Wake up."
Trust the idiot to get himself poisoned with an expired love potion or whatever the heck the old lady was trying to explain. Sasuke was not impressed but he couldn't help but sneak curious looks at his downed self-proclaimed rival. While he was sure Naruto wouldn't die from something so foolish, who knew what the side effects of the potion would be? Inoue was going on about fascinating physiology and Sasuke got a prickly feeling up his spine when he thought of Naruto stuck in his irritating Sexy no Jutsu form. His eyes wandered back to the unconscious blond.
"Oh, Naruto!" Sakura exclaimed, still waving a glowing hand over the murmuring boy's chest. Sasuke took a step closer as their hostess rushed over to examine her victim.
"He's awake, that's a relief."
"Nn…"
"Naruto, can you hear me? How are you feeling?"
Naruto opened his eyes and fluttered his eyelashes like one of those pre-teen girls that liked to giggle around Sasuke. Ugh. Naruto made an odd…mewling…sound and slowly sat up. Then almost immediately, he sat in seiza position, pulling his legs under his bum and resting his hands in his lap all delicate-like. "Haruno-san." Slow nod-slash-bow, his face was still flushed. "I'm feeling quite well, thank you for asking."
The prickly feeling returned and Sasuke had to forcibly stop himself from taking a step back. One almost never saw a polite Naruto unless there was a prank to be sprung just around the corner. It was unnatural.
"Riiight. I'm going to do a check up," Sakura declared, and proceeded to poke and prod at the unfortunate blond. Once Sakura cleared her patient of any signs of impending doom, the short old woman began to speak again.
Naruto's legs were cramping up, but no matter how much he wanted to stretch them out, the best he managed was wiggling his toes a bit to return some circulation to his poor feet. Was this really how girls were expected to sit all the time?
The old bag's explanation was highly unsatisfactory, but it helped clear up some things, like why he couldn't get in a good glare at the bastard Sasuke without immediately shooting his eyes back down, why he was stuck in this stupid position while Sakura had to be using the most uncomfortable techniques to assess him, and why he wasn't jumping up and down screaming at the unfairness of it all. Kakashi appeared to be very pleased by the situation, and Naruto gave him a small but heartfelt smile. Ugh, he'd meant to stick out his tongue.
It was incredibly bizarre not to be able to control his own body. It was like being possessed by a ghost or something, like in that one play Sakura dragged the team to see.
"You've always been possessed, brat."
Naruto rolled his eyes, on the inside, and mentally closed those curtains. At least not everything was bad with this scenario.
"Here's the instruction pamphlet, it gives you a list of possible side effects and things to watch out for. Now that we've established the kid's not on death's door, it's time for my beauty rest. Someone put away the leftovers and clean up. Keep the noise down."
Sakura squawked as Inoue tossed a pink booklet at her and left the room.
Naruto slid his legs off the bed and made to stand up, but the pins and needles feeling caused him to stumble. Right into Sasuke. "Ah-!" Strong arms caught him and he clutched at the warm cotton, hanging on until the unpleasant feeling died away. He then looked up shyly at his saviour's face and breathed, "Thank you, Uchiha-san."
Oh gag. Naruto was grateful when Sasuke pushed him away suddenly. Sakura was gaping at the pair and Kakashi had his one visible eye wide with curious amusement.
"Please excuse me," Naruto said, and went to do the dishes.
Damnit, he would never live this down.