You fucked up. You fucked up big time and you know it. You've known it since the words came out of your mouth. You've never hated yourself more than you do now. It's been about an hour or so since you ruined things so you text her, multiple times.

I'm a bitch. I'm sorry.

I didn't mean it. At all.

Holly.

Please respond.

Please…

After she didn't respond to your texts, which she always replies to, you decide to call. At first it rings then she sends it to voicemail. After a few more calls she's turned her phone off. You call one more time to leave a message.

"Hey, Holly um it's me. Me Gail, calling. Um, I hope you got my texts, I'm sorry. God I'm so sorry Holly please call me back or text me or something. Like you are the farthest thing from a warm body, I mean you're warm but..ugh. I know I messed up and I just want to know how or if I can fix it. There has to be-im sorry."

You end the message with a sigh, you close your phone and let it fall to the desk as you hold your head in your hands. Your phone starts ringing and you shoot up, scrambling to reach it before it goes to voicemail.

"Hello? Holly?"

"Um, Dov. You want me to pick up something for dinner?"

"Dov." You state, clearly disappointed. "I'm not hungry. Besides I've got plans."

"Okay, well just thought I'd ask. Stay safe out there."

Before he hangs up you manage to add a tiny "thanks" in there, you have got to start being nicer.

As soon as your shift ends and you've changed out of your bulky uniform, you feel like you can breathe a little better. This whole thing with Holly has put a giant weight on your chest and you feel like you could pass out at any moment. You don't stop to talk to anyone, instead you make a beeline straight for your car while dialing Holly one last time. Straight to voicemail, you don't bother leaving a message, you just rambled during the last one and it probably make you look even stupider in Holly's eyes. You speed all the way to her apartment, which is funny, because you're a cop. You take the stairs two at a time until you reach her door. You take a deep breath and lift the mat up. No key. You run your hand over the doorframe in hopes that she just put it in a better hiding place. No key. Holly has taken the key and punched you in the gut. You knock, you know it's completely and utterly stupid at this time of night but you knock. It's not a light one either, you use your fist because you want her to hear and you want her to come out here to yell at you so you can just kiss her and let her know how sorry you are. You aren't concerned about waking up the neighbors, besides, you're a police officer.

The door is suddenly ripped open and you almost fall forward because you were in mid-knock. She doesn't try to help you regain your balance, she just stands there. One hand on the door and the other holding her robe closed. You bring your eyes to her face and you can tell she's been crying. You've never seen Holly cry but now you know what the aftermath looks like. Her eyes are puffy and her cheeks are red. You stomach twists again because you know you're the reason for this.

"Oh Holly." You whisper reaching out for her but she just holds a hand up to stop you.

"What do you want?" she asks monotonously.

"I want to talk to you." You say, looking right at her, you will not look away because that shows weakness.

"I thought I made it perfectly clear that I did not want to-" she is interrupted by the clearing of a throat. You both look down the hall and see a middle aged woman in a robe and slippers giving you a glare. "People are trying to sleep Holly." The woman says lowly.

"Sorry Mrs. Humphee." She whispers and backs into her apartment. You stand there not knowing what to do, you've never been in this position before, two women giving you death glares at the same time. You feel exposed, naked almost.

"Get in here." Holly hisses opening the door a bit wider.

You shove your hands in your pocket and look at the woman, "Sorry, it won't happen again." You whisper as you shuffle inside Holly's apartment.

You stand there in the dark of the apartment, facing the hallway, you flinch when you hear the door shut. Something about the way she shut it, you just know she wanted to slam it but she held back. Either because she didn't want to upset her neighbor anymore, or because she wasn't going waste any of her rage meant for you on the door.

What has been seconds feels like minutes. You're both just standing there, neither of you saying anything. Holly as made it clear she will not be speaking first and you don't expect her to so you pull your hands out of your pockets and turn around to face her. Her arms are folded tightly across her chest. Her glare still firmly in place, eyes still red from crying. There's another punch to your gut when you remember again, that you are the reason for this.

"Holly, at the station. I-I panicked," you say. Already making excuses for yourself. "I didn't mean it. God I would never mean something like that."

"Why did you say it?" she asks, looking down at the floor. The fact that she won't even look at you kills you inside.

Your mouth opens and closes for a second. Why did you say it? Why would something like that even cross your mind? "I, don't. I don't know Holly." You state quietly.

You let your hands drop at your sides and look at her because you know your words are getting nowhere. Even though you've hardly said anything you know that it's no use. You're in deep and you're only making things worse for yourself.

"Gail."

She speaks it so softly you thought you imagined it at first. But she spoke, and it was your name so you look up, trying to hide the smile on your face.

"I would like you to leave." And there it is. The final punch to your gut, you feel like passing out. You whisper an "okay" and make your way out. The door shuts silently behind you and you can't stand anymore, your legs refuse to hold you up. You sink to the floor and lean against the wall, cursing yourself. You start to cry and you're very aware that Holly is not there to catch your tears.

It's three in the morning and you absolutely cannot sleep. Every time you close your eyes you see Holly standing there looking broken. You are the reason one of the strongest women you know, is hurting. You did that and you will never forgive yourself. You've been up for hours thinking of how to fix this, you don't even know if this can be fixed, but you're sure as hell going to try.

A cup of coffee and a bag of cheese puffs later, something clicks. You scramble for a piece of stationary and a pen that actually works and you start writing.

Holly,

My fantastic Holly. I'm not even sure I can call you "mine" after what I did, what I said to you. I could say sorry a thousand times and it still wouldn't be enough. I know that and I hate it, but most of all I hate myself. I caused you pain and that tears me up on the inside. I felt trapped, I was scared and I bit at the one person who cares about me the most. But being scared is no excuse, I'll never forgive myself for saying what I did. You're a fire Holly, you draw me in and I guess I just realized that I was getting close and I didn't want to get burned. Just please know that I think you are absolutely amazing. You're beautiful, and smart, and a giant nerd and you're the best thing that's ever happened to me. You make me want to be a better person, you remember my favorite sandwiches, you make me feel things that I've never felt and that scares me to death. I don't deserve you, especially after what I did. I know there's nothing I can do to make it up, that the damage I did will never fully heal. I was a complete and total ass, and I just hope that you will take my words and allow them to be the first steps of me helping to wash away the pain that I caused. Because Holly, the reality is, I want nothing more than for you to pull me in, to engulf and surround me. Damn it, Holly Stewart, every day I fall a little bit more in love with you, it scares the shit out of me, but I mean it with all my cold heart.

Gail Peck

It's Monday, you've given Holly a full weekend of space. This morning you slid the letter you wrote under her door and you've been sitting here waiting ever since. It's Monday, you've given Holly a full weekend of space. This morning you slid the letter you wrote under her door and you've been sitting here waiting ever since. You're just here to do some paperwork which is nice, because it allows you to constantly check your phone for any sign of Holly. You're almost done with the last sheet of work you have to do, and Holly still hasn't contacted you. At this point you're wondering if she even read the letter. You grab a sheet of printer paper and start to doodle. You need a break from the work and this will give Holly some extra time to get back to you, maybe she's just really busy.

Thirty minutes later, no more paper work and no sign of Holly you are ready to leave. Your ass hurts from sitting in the chair and your brain won't stop yelling at you for even thinking that Holly would accept your words. You turn off the desk lamp and make your way out the double doors. You've unlocked your car when you hear her voice.

"You're such a bitch."

You can't help it, the corners of your mouth turn up as you register your words.

"I'm worse than a bitch." You counter, turning around, leaving your keys hanging in the door. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

She doesn't say anything, she only cocks her head to the side, and lifts an eyebrow in question as she lifts a small piece of paper. You register something between a chuckle and a sob coming from your throat. You know exactly what that paper is. It's the little green sticky note you left on the back of the letter with one word in the middle, "Dinner?"