A Rant By the Official Jane Cahill
From: (Jane Cahill)
To: (Fanfiction Bot) CC; To: Fanfiction
Hello, this is Jane Cahill speaking, and I'm typing to complain about the use of 'us/(founder)' characters on the 39 Clues archive.
Give it up. We are not. Stick. People. I've been scanning this archive down and I have something to say: stop picturing us like we're 'all powerful' people who can control the universe. We are just people. Okay, okay, okay. Not 'just people'; good point, but you have a decent idea of this, I hope...
Now, if I said -since I know someone's going to think it up eventually...- I played the part of Cora Wizard in the Clue hunt, Katherine played Sinead; Luke got stuck with playing Ian, and Thomas-the-Completely-Obnoxious was crammed into the body of Hamilton Holt-(Dolt-Molt-Cult-Bult-Bulk-Caulk-Cake-pardon for that, I'm hungry...) let me hear a few suggestions on how to clean things with that storyline up.
We're both writers. Now come; what would be wrong with that picture I just wrote up there? Be honest. Think about it. I'll give you three seconds. One... Two... Two and a half... Two and three quarters... OKAY! Fine! I'm sorry you're not a Janus! Because you 'really' can't think of anything... Humph.
Not considering the fact that you would destroy about 95% of all reasonable pairings (unless you're a crack!shipper) *shudders*, there is the obvious billboard of ab-solute-ut-ter-fail-ure-o-f-p-l-o-t. Whatever happened to plots? There are no plots nowadays. How in all of MIDDLE-EARTH are you suppose to write a story without a decent plot?
So 'what if' you really did write that story, and 'what if' I really reviewed it. Would you like to know what I would say?
I love typing to nobody in particular. I'm never told 'no'.
First of all, when you have a character, you keep the character /in character/. If you're actually going to attempt that ridiculous 'Luke/Ian' character crossover, you better have a MORIA OF A GOOD reason to make Luke somehow fail to notice Isabel's and Vikram's stupidity, and selfishness, and- well, the list would go on...
So, back to my previously said comment on the fact that we are not. Stick. People.
If you do not have Luke realize Isabel is stupid, that's ruining Luke's character; and if you do have him realize it, you're ruining the entire storyline.
Moral of this partial-rant: If you're going to write original founders, write original founders, not... I don't even know what to name it. Not... 'original' crossovers that ruin both the storyline of the book, and the character, AND the character you're putting the 'character' into. Follow me? Good.
Now, this is a series of 'what if's that are suppose to spark your mind. (Spark! Flame! Get it?)
- What if... Ian and Sinead were somehow transported back in time and switched into the bodies of Luke and Katherine?
- What if... Amy and Dan found a time machine at the bottom of the ocean and ruined the world by gathering all the clues from the founders? (You don't even know how hard it was for me to write that...)
- What if... Stupidity reigned in the 'finished' Lucian Empire? (Oh wait! It does...)
- What if... Luke and Jane played a game of chess hanging upside down from a tree and Amy and Dan, using their time machine, somehow interrupted it?
- What if... after the family broke apart, Katherine took a test in Egyptian... and failed utterly and completely and never got to meet Sinead who created a timemachine and a body switcher? (*snickers*)
- What if... Thomas climbed Mount Everest in 1548 and disappeared? (Muhuhahaha...)
- What if... George found Thomas on the top of Mount Everest and died trying to carry his frozen body back down, and then they both died, and eventually everybody else found out and- you get the picture.
- What if... I became upset at myself because that last idea was acutely morbid?
- What if... I stopped this email right here, and you never got to find out what the ultimate moral of this was?
- What if... you would never learn more about writing if I stopped.
- What if... I *headdesked* myself at my repetitiveness?
- What if... this stops?
Moral of this partial-rant: Timemachines/Cahills or body-switches/Cahills; not a good combination - unless you can write second-person with your eyes shut and dream of LoTR every night while combining it with the 39 Clues. (I better be Eowyn...)
And so, ultimately, I am once again brought back to the statements I made before. I am technically complaining. I judge that you have forgotten that by now, because I barely remembered to steer myself back on track.
I am complaining about the quality of fics - founders fics especially, and the people who think writing something that has been writen TWENTY TIMES BEFORE is still 'exciting' and 'entertaining'.
There are four main things I consider the most AMAZING, ULTIMATE AND MOST UNUSED things in writing. Half of the stories in this archive are lacking at least one of them.
1.) Plot: Enough said.
2.) Paragraphs: Ever heard of an 'enter' key?
3.) Capitalization: Ever heard of the 'caps' key?
4.) Spllenig: Enough said. Don't burn my eyes. I've already rinsed them out five times while reading the archive. As a note, I misspelled that on purpose, and... I'm paying for it; my head feels like it's going to fall off.
Then, in accordance to numbrero uno, when you have a plot, or a plotline that has already been used, it is called a 'cliche'. Cliches are not 'cool'. They are boring. Very boring. Very... very... very... boring. They're so boring, in fact, that they make me want to fall asleep.
Do you even KNOW how many cliches there are on this archive?
Too many.
FAR too many.
If you're going to write a story, think up a storyline, please. Copying someone else is not only rude, it's plagiarism. I wonder who was the first person to write an Ian/Amy fluff. Honestly... If I was that poor, poor author, I would be suing for the rest of my life - and the rest of my paycheck.
So, to find a good plot that has (Best Case Scenario) not been used, think original. When you're buying clothes at the grocery store for five bucks because you've 'only' got 3 million in your bank, imagine poor Natalie Kabra and write an angst for her. Actually, I don't think there IS an angst for Natalie on that topic... Shoot. One good idea gone.
To find a good plot that has (Optional Case Senario) been used a few times, you need to put your own twist on it. When Amy, for some inexplicable reason, 'suddenly' transfers to England and just 'happens' to land in Ian's school. They might not even meet each other; there are at least FIVE HUNDRED kids in a school. Are they honestly going to run into each other, recognize each other instantaneously and fall in love? Then the next week they're dating, and Amy's 'arch nemisis' who wants Ian, sets up a plot to break them up-
Are you yawning yet? Because I honestly could zone out and take a nap.
Basically, switch something. Put a twist on it. Make it so it's at LEAST not so 'fangirlish' and '-ish'.
Er- please...
Moral of this partial rant: Pay attention to your plots. Plots are your best friends. And it wouldn't hurt to take a couple floral bouquets to your acquaintances Paragraph, and Capitalization, and Spelling and make them your best friends as well.
And finally, this rant I absolutely HAD to type up has come to a partial-end. Why do I say partial? Who knows when I'll check up on this archive and find it in even worse shape? Then I'll have to actually go through the BASICS, and... you get the picture. Partial.
Moral of this rant: If you're going to write a story, enjoy your writing, enjoy improving your writing, and enjoy writing right.
- Jane Cahill, the Awesome
*^!^*
Editor's Note: I posted this on the archive because I thought it was incredibly interesting that this 'rant' was written by someone with the exact same name as one of the characters in this book; that, and the fact it seemed it was written more to the archive than to me. I hope you can use some of the information this 'Jane Cahill' has provided and enjoy the improvement of this archive.
Thank you.
=D
I don't know if you enjoyed reading this, but I sure enjoyed writing it - whether it was written well or not! (You'll tell me if it's not... *narrows eyes*)
Reviews would be great. ;D (Mostly concerning the randomness of this, and the horrible writing style. This was also not meant to be canon - just a randomly written letter by Jane.)
~LJRRC~
By the way...; If you've read TLoTR, I would hope you'd know what Moria is, and what Jane meant in the context she used it. I do so love puns!
Credits: Drew, or whispers of water, betaed this fic, as well as the amazing Joelle8. I would like to thank both of them for their support and acceptance to my horribleness. :D
Thank you for reading!